***
“After you,” Adrien said, opening the door for me as we exited the diner.
“Thank you,” I said, delighted by his chivalry.
The air smelled of tar and cigarette smoke and sizzling meat from a nearby restaurant. Although not entirely pleasant, I loved the smell of the city. There was something exciting about it. We simultaneously looked up at a halo of pink, orange and yellow clouds hovering over New York.
“Beautiful,” I said, suddenly overwhelmed with joy, happy to be alive.
“Do you like the Phantom of the Opera?” Adrien asked.
“I love the Phantom of the Opera.” I’d always wanted to see it but never seemed to have the money to buy tickets. Abby and I watched the movie version over and over.
“Good,” he said, grinning really big. “Because I have fourth row tickets.”
***
After the show we went for a walk to enjoy the perfect late summer night. Lucid stars throbbed in a midnight blue sky. A gentle breeze rattled colorful leaves above us. The scents of fall and Mexican food filled the night air. It was one of those perfect nights. It was magical.
Adrien grabbed my hand, making my pulse pick up and my stomach muscles tighten.
“When I’m with you, September, you make me remember the good things. Sometimes I almost forget…the pain I’m in.” He squeezed my hand. “There’s something about you. I can’t put my finger on it.” I studied his face which glowed under a yellow street lamp. He looked so sweet tonight, like a little boy. When he turned to meet my gaze, I bit my lip and looked away. He continued, “I feel strangely drawn to you. It’s almost…other-worldly.” As he said this, I got the chills. He was right. There was some mysterious connection between us, besides physical chemistry, which we clearly had. What was it that drew us together? If I believed in previous lives, I could’ve sworn I knew him before. This was all so very déjà-vu. Adrien stopped. He turned me to face him, letting his hands linger on my arms. His brow furrowed and he hesitated for several long seconds. Finally he said, “I…I think I could fall in love with you, September…but I have to stop myself. I’d be an egocentric, selfish pig if I let this go any further than it already has.”
For a moment I forgot how to breathe. Those words made everything a hundred times worse. Why was he doing this to me? Making me fall for him when he knew damn well he wasn’t going to be around much longer? “Adrien—I don’t know what to say.”
“Ask me to leave. Ask me to never see you again,” he said, his tone pleading, but his face full of conflict.
“I…I can’t.”
“You deserve so much more than this. So much more than me. And after all you’ve been through. I don’t want to hurt you, September. It’s the last thing I want to do.”
I bit my lip. He was right. Our spending all this time together wasn’t helping either of us. At least not in the long run. But I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to leave.
Suddenly I wanted to kiss him—like mad—but I refrained. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I didn’t want to fall hard for someone I wouldn’t get to keep. I’d suffered enough loss. I didn’t know what to do. There was no manual for this, no how-to guide for helpless girls who found themselves falling for devastatingly handsome suicidal guys.
So I said nothing.
21
The day after my birthday Adrien came over first thing in the morning and took me out for breakfast. We ordered freshly squeezed orange juice and eggs and cheese on multi-grain bagels and had a picnic on a blanket on the roof of my apartment building. As the early morning sun rose, it cast an orange glow on the world below, setting skyscrapers ablaze. Despite my sweater, the chilly morning air gave me goose bumps and made me shiver.
“Cold?” Adrien asked, scooting closer to me and wrapping his warm arm around my shoulders.
Words could not express the relief I felt seeing him again. I missed him. So much. More than a girl should ever miss a boy in such a short time. But I also knew I was being stupid. Stupid for starting something that was going nowhere. Stupid for putting my already broken heart on the line. Stupid for loving Adrien a little more every day. Stupid for still hoping I could change his mind and choose me over death.
“You have a little cheese on your chin,” Adrien said, gesturing to his own chin.
“Right here?” I brushed the center on my chin.
“No, right there,” he said using his thumb to rub it off. He left his fingers under my chin for a few seconds and studied my eyes, his face so close, I could smell the bagel on his breath. My lips burned and again, I ached for a kiss.
“What’s your favorite color?” Adrien asked, finally dropping his gaze, crumbling the bagel wrapper.
“Why do you ask?” I hadn’t been asked that since grade school.
“It says a lot about a person.”
I eyed him in his current clashing get-up. A tea green button-up shirt with hunter green pants. His favorite green sneakers. “Green. My favorite color’s green.”
***
“How was your birthday?” Chris asked, pulling his hair back into a ponytail, eyeing me in my tight t-shirt as I climbed into my jumpsuit.
“Surprisingly wonderful. I didn’t think I’d survive the day without Abby. She always spent my birthday with me, glued to my side, literally morning till night. We were like conjoined twins.”
“It must be a big adjustment.”
“You played a major role in making the day magical. If it weren’t for you, Adrien wouldn’t have…” I trailed off when I saw Chris catch his breath and look down at the floor. “I’m sorry. Did I say something…?”
“It’s nothing. I guess I’m a little jealous you have a new guy in your life. It’s stupid, though. Why should I be jealous? It’s not like I don’t have a girlfriend or anything.”
“Oh,” I said, zipping up my jumpsuit.
“Not a big deal,” he said, zipping his own. But I knew he was lying for my benefit.
“Just so you know, no one can replace my Sunshine Boy. In fact, you and Adrien are practically opposites.” He didn’t seem to take any comfort in this. He threw a clean mop into a bucket of water and rang it out.
“What did you end up doing?”
“We went out for pizza and then he took me to Phantom. Something I’ve always wanted to see. He made me a chocolate cake. That’s it.”
“Are you two getting pretty serious?” he asked, working on a cola stain on the floor.
I thought for a moment, unsure what to say. Was I falling for Adrien? Yes, I think so. Was I in a real relationship with him? Not really. Not a lasting one. And anyway, we haven’t even kissed or anything. “I don’t know. What do you mean by serious?”
“Do you see yourself with him six months from now?”
The question, although not unreasonable, was like a punch in the stomach. How could I answer that? I busied myself with some Windex and a rag and said, “You’ve got to hear what Mary gave me. She found an old letter from Abby.”
***
After work, when I opened the apartment door I didn’t expect to see Mary making out on the couch with a guy, or Adrien sitting at the kitchen table (head to toe in green, of course), eating an apple, reading Crime and Punishment. Nag Champa incense was burning on the side table next to the monkey lamp. I could smell a hint of Tiger’s litter box, too. Time to change that. Adrien turned to me and smiled. Oh man. His smile did things to me you wouldn’t believe. He stood and gave me a quick half hug, a quick peck on the cheek. He let his arm linger around my waist. Our eyes wandered over to the oblivious couple molded into a big lump on the couch. I wanted it to be us. I wanted it to be Adrien and me doing that on the couch. I glanced at him, wistful. Was he thinking the same thing? Did he want to kiss me as much as I wanted him to kiss me? Or did his depression and lack of will to live suck those desires out of him? And then it made me wonder: Has he ever been in love? If he dropped his defenses and let himself really fall for me, would I be his first?
> We continued to watch the mound on the couch, amused. We started snickering simultaneously. Starting to laugh at the same time made us laugh even harder. And of course Mary and the boy she was slobbering all over were oblivious.
Okay, I wanted to be them, only not so gross. Mary was nearly sucking the poor guy’s face off. And then it hit me: was that Keaton she was kissing? Abby’s Keaton?
As we approached them, I theatrically cleared my throat. After a second try with no success, I grabbed an empty Hires root beer can and threw it at Mary’s head. My aim was perfect. A few remaining drops of brown liquid splashed onto Mary’s black jeans. Adrien made a failed attempt to stifle another chuckle.
“What?” Mary said, finally pulling away. She looked up at our surprised, amused faces. Lipstick was smeared around her mouth, giving her a clown face. “Oh.”
“What do you think you’re doing?” I said, placing my hands on my hips. “What are you thinking, Mary?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re with Keaton now? Abby’s boyfriend?”
“She’s dead, September.” The way she looked at me, one would think I was the crazy one. Keaton rested his elbows on his knees, studying the edge of the oriental rug on the floor. It was strange seeing him again. I hadn’t seen him since the funeral and having him around brought a funny feeling into my stomach and a prick to my heart. It made me miss her all over again, with a fresh intensity.
“Keaton and Abby were together for years,” I said. “It’s not weird for you…?”
“I always had a thing for Keaton,” she said as if he weren’t in the room. She chewed on a black fingernail. “And now there’s nothing stopping me from—”
“You speak of Abby like she was some—some—”
“You know I loved her every bit as much as you did. Of course I’m still sad she’s gone. She was our best friend.” She shrugged. “But life goes on.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Yeah, I guess for you it does.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Mary, Abby would be—”
“Maybe I should go,” Keaton said, standing up, looking more uncomfortable by the second. He wore a Muse t-shirt and his black pants were tucked into tan army boots.
I shook my head. “No, Keaton. Stay. It’s actually really nice to see you again. It’s been waaaay too long.”
“It totally has,” he said, throwing his arms around me, giving me a bear hug that nearly knocked us both to the floor. His eyes became glassy as he pulled away. I gave him an understanding look, communicating: I miss her, too.
***
“Chestal is not a word, Mary,” I said, not bothering to hide my exasperation. I got up to grab Adrien and myself another ginger ale. “Anyone else want more soda?” I asked, opening the practically empty fridge. Mary and Keaton shook their heads. Abby’s ginger ale was almost gone. The thought of it made me a little sad. It was one more piece of evidence that my best friend was gone and never coming back.
I plopped on the floor beside Adrien, Indian-style and handed him the soda.
“Thanks,” he said, touching my knee.
“Chestal is too a word,” Mary said, protecting the Scrabble tiles with chewed away fingernails as I tried to slide them off the board. “Okay, let’s ask the writer.” Mary, Keaton and I simultaneously turned to Adrien.
He shrugged. “I’ve never heard of it. What does it mean?” he said, taking a big bite of licorice.
“You know. The chest area. Like ‘He has a lot of hair in his chestal area’,” Mary said, gesturing to her own chest.
“Okay, we don’t need the visual,” Keaton joked.
“Yeah, right, you made that up. You’re always breaking the rules,” I said, opening my ginger ale and taking a swig.
“Rules are made to be broken,” Keaton said, balancing an empty soda can on one finger.
“It’s not in the dictionary,” Adrien said. “I’ll bet you a hundred bucks.”
Mary made a face. “Chestal is in the dictionary. The dictionMary.”
“Cute,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Just because you made it up doesn’t make it a word.”
“All words are made up by someone. Why can’t I make some up?”
“She has a point,” Keaton said, letting out a loud burp.
“You guys are impossible,” I said, growling. “I quit. I can’t bear any more of Mary’s cheating.”
Mary stuck her hands up. “I don’t cheat.”
“You always cheat,” I said.
“Who’s up for a movie?” Keaton asked, stretching. “Does Abby—do you still have Harold and Maude?”
“Of course,” I said, standing up. Abby had a killer movie collection. Mostly cult classics and 1980s stuff.
After filling a bowl the size of the Grand Canyon full of buttery popcorn and ordering Korean takeout for a late-night dinner (it was already ten and we’d forgotten to eat until now) we all settled into the couch, except Mary who snuggled up to Keaton’s legs and rested her head on his lap. He stroked her hair like a cat. She purred in reply. Adrien raised an eyebrow and I shrugged. I sat a few inches away from him until he pulled me closer and casually threw his arm around me. His scent overwhelmed me and made me feel weak all over.
“You have strange friends,” he whispered.
I groaned. “Tell me about it.” Although I loved how entertaining they were. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
***
I fell asleep during the end credits. Well, I was half-asleep. I wasn’t sure how or when it happened, but I found myself lying on the couch, using Adrien’s lap for a pillow. And Tiger was using my legs for a bed. I heard Mary walk Keaton to the door and whisper goodnight. There was a long drag of silence. Kissing?
“It was nice to meet you, man,” Keaton said, keeping his voice down for my sake. “September’s lucky to have found you.”
“Oh, we’re not…” Adrien said. “We’re just friends. We’re…just friends. Nice to meet you, too. I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Thanks. You would have really liked Abby.”
“That’s what I hear. Take care.”
“I’m going to bed,” Mary said through a yawn after she closed the door.
“Okay, goodnight,” Adrien whispered in reply. “Sweet dreams.”
Her bare feet made soft patting noises on the hardwood floor. After I heard her bedroom door snap shut, Adrien got up and cleaned up a bit, tossing the empty Korean food boxes in the garbage, putting the soda cans and bottles in the recycle bin under the kitchen sink. And then he slid a throw pillow under my head, which I thought was incredibly sweet. I heard his sneakers squeaking against the floor until he pulled a soft blanket over me and tucked it carefully around my shoulders. I felt a hand brush the hair away from my face and moist lips press against the side of my nose. “Goodnight, September. I love—” He caught himself. After a pause he said, “Goodnight.”
I must’ve been pretty tired because I don’t remember hearing him leave.
22
“You seem really distracted lately,” Chris said, carving out a big chunk of pork burrito and shoving it into his mouth.
“What?” I said, unfolding a paper napkin and placing it on my lap.
He shook his head and laughed. “That’s exactly what I mean.”
“I was kidding, Chris. But you’re right. I do have a lot on my mind lately.”
The smell of sizzling meat and fresh flour tortillas filled our lungs as Chris and I soaked up the late September afternoon sun. A gentle breeze caressed our skin as we ate Tex-Mex at Chris’s favorite outdoor grill. It was the first time we spent quality time together, outside of work, since I’d met Adrien. We used to do this all the time, well, as much as Chris could get away with without making Megan jealous. Megan didn’t really know about us—about how close we’d become. He felt bad about lying to his girlfriend, but the girl was impossible. She smothered him like a needy boa constrictor. If it were up to her, he’d have no social life at all.
I looked Chris up and down as I chewed on my yummy black bean salad. He looked especially handsome today. I’d forgotten how good he looked in jeans and a shirt—I was so used to seeing him in that silly blue jumpsuit. I hadn’t noticed in ages the cute way his hair sometimes fell into his face and how endearing it was when he shoved it away in an angry sort of fashion. But Chris angry? Impossible. He was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. I smiled at his defined forearms that reminded me of Popeye, his long eyelashes and the way he’d gaze at me through them with his kind gray eyes.
A bullet of guilt shot through me as I realized how much I’ve taken him for granted lately. I loved Chris. He was the closest thing to family since Abby died. I didn’t deserve him, the way I neglected him, like an ever-growing stack of unopened mail. My insides melted and formed puddles as I thought about how much he meant to me, how he was one of the best things to happen to me in years. I took another bite, barely getting it down, feeling so laden with shame. “I’m so sorry, Chris. I haven’t exactly been a good friend lately.”
“You’re forgiven,” he said, half-smiling. “But I won’t lie. I miss you, Tember. I’m glad I was able to catch you today.”
I bit my lip. The only reason I made time for Chris was because Adrien had his godson’s birthday party to attend (I know—Adrien had a godson? There was still so much I didn’t know about him). He’d be gone all day. “I miss you, too.” And it was the truth.
Chris studied my face. “You look good. I’d swear you’re happy, because you kind of have this glow lately, but then sometimes your eyes are sad. Like they were when we first met. Is everything okay?”
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