“I don’t want your money and you’re not responsible for anything. You didn’t do the beating.”
She looked around the room like she was going to move but couldn’t find a destination worth the effort. “I don’t understand. Eban swore to me that there was nothing to worry about.”
“He might be telling the truth. We’ll find out soon enough.”
She frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean exactly that. I intend to find out what my beating was about. I don’t know whether your friend Holmes is involved or not, but I do know that the police are fucking with the report and want me out.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“The police did this.”
A look of disbelief crept into her eyes. “Why would the police beat you up?” She shook her head. “Are you certain?”
“I intend to get certain.” I sounded more confident than I felt but then, I wasn’t here to talk about my feelings.
She looked at me, a slight smile beginning to tug at the corners of her mouth. “You know, Mr. Jacob …”
“Matt.”
“Okay, Matthew. The reason I originally asked you for help was the attitude you are displaying today. Now I’m concerned about it. I mean, how much of your stubbornness is self-destructive?”
“I don’t give a damn, Gloria.” I leaned on her first name. “I’m not here to inspect my stubbornness. You can save that shit for my fiftyminute hours.”
She shook her head and walked over to one of the easy chairs and sat down. “This sucks.”
I started to laugh.
“What are you laughing at?”
I felt as if someone had buried a knife inside my ribs. It made it easy to stop laughing. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t laughing at you. It’s just that for a moment there you sounded human.”
She looked angry, then she started to laugh. If I hadn’t still been recovering from the first one I would have joined her.
“I feel torn,” she said. “I’ve waited years to see you act like this, but it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. And I am concerned about your safety. I mean, if they were police, you have no one to get help from.” Another worried look crossed her face. I wondered if it was for me.
“Also, Eban was adamant. He didn’t want anyone nosing around his business.”
“Well, it’s too late for that. You don’t have to worry. I’ll tell him myself.”
Her eyes narrowed and she looked like a lioness protecting a cub. This time I didn’t wonder if the look was for me.
“You can’t just go barging into Dr. Holmes’ life looking for information,” she said. “I won’t let you.”
“You can’t stop me.” The words hung in the air and I realized how childish they sounded. I walked to the front of the couch and dropped down. The morning’s pills were wearing off and I began to remember how bad I really felt. “Look, this isn’t a fight between us. I can’t let the police, or anyone, stroll into my house and beat the hell out of me, then pretend that nothing happened. I don’t plan to browbeat your friend. You can see for yourself.”
“Meaning what?”
“Get him over here now.”
“Just like that?”
“Why not?” Just like Rockford, I was thinking on my feet.
Dr. James looked uncertain. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I don’t know if he’s in today, much less free.”
“Why don’t we find out?” I moved as though to rise. I hoped she would say something to stop me.
She did. “I’ll call and see what he says.” She stood, walked over to her desk, and knelt down behind it. My first thought was she had a special knock on the floor to contact him. My second was how well she filled the seat of her pants. I tried to shake my head clear. The pain in my body was starting to affect me.
“I had to plug in the phone,” she said as she stood up and read the look on my face. She dialed a number, impulsively hung up the receiver, then dialed again. This time she waited. I could hear the murmuring of her voice but my body hurt enough that I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t know whether I was up to meeting Holmes. The next time I practiced thinking on my feet I’d make sure I was able to stand.
She finished her conversation and turned to me. “He’ll be here in a minute. He seems quite interested in meeting you.” Almost absently she said, “You look really uncomfortable; do you want anything?”
The words slipped out before I could stop them. “Morphine would be fine.”
It got her attention though she didn’t see the humor. “Don’t be ridiculous. If you’re hurt badly enough for morphine you belong in a hospital.” She looked angry. “With your drug problems morphine would push you into an early grave. It’s something we’re going to have to talk about, you know? You can’t keep hiding your dependency.”
I waved my hand. “Relax, I was only joking.”
“Well, I don’t think your chemical use is as funny as you do.”
“Well, can I have some H20?”
I was drinking the last of the Poland Spring when Eban Holmes bounced through the door. I had expected Basil Rathbone and found myself wordless after I struggled to my feet and extended my arm downward to grasp his short stubby hand. His grip was firm and his fingers acted as a conduit for the air of electricity that accompanied him. It felt like shaking hands with a cattle prod.
“So this is our sleuth.” It wasn’t quite a question, but it wasn’t all that obnoxious either. He released his grip, took a step back, and looked me up and down, his bright eyes sparkling deep within a forest of red hair.
“My clothes aren’t for sale, Dr. Holmes.”
A quick grin and a look into my eyes as he continued to inspect. “You do seem a little the worse for wear,” he said affably. Dr. Holmes wasn’t leading with a hard sell.
“Your building seems to house some forceful mysteries.”
An even larger smile stretched across the naked section of his face while his head bobbed up and down. If it weren’t for his remarkable aura, he could be mistaken for a leprechaun. “How could it be otherwise? A building that houses doctors of the mind and body would certainly harbor mysteries.”
“That’s not exactly what I meant, Dr. Holmes.”
“I didn’t think so, Mr. Jacobs.”
Dr. James’ voice and mine rang out simultaneously. “Without an s.”
Everyone chuckled and, for a few seconds, the tension in the room eased.
“Please call me Eban. It’s Matthew, isn’t it?”
“Or Matt. How did you know?”
“Dr., uh, Gloria told me.”
I looked sideways toward Dr. James. “What else has Gloria told you?” It was awkward to use her first name but I’d get used to it.
“Whatever she wanted, Matt. We have very few secrets between us.” He waved his arm around the room. “Perhaps if we all sat down and made ourselves a bit more comfortable, this conversation might become easier.” Although part of me minded his assumption of host, another part, my body actually, was grateful. I couldn’t stifle the grunt as I sat down.
Holmes’ eyes were all over my face. “You are in pain, aren’t you?” He didn’t wait for an answer but turned to Dr. James. “Do you have something for him?”
“I don’t want to give him drugs, Eban. You understand, don’t you?”
He looked at her kindly. “I understand, Gloria, but this man is in a dreadful amount of discomfort.”
While I grew hopeful Dr. James became defensive. “He didn’t say he was in that much pain.”
“I’m not surprised.” Holmes looked at me, then his voice became businesslike. “Glo, do you have any painkillers here?”
Gloria stood by her desk and hesitated while she made up her mind. It bewildered me to think of her doing what he said.
She went into the bathroom and returned with two pills. I started to get up but she frowned me back into my seat and took the glass from my hand. I looked at the pills. They were fat with a 3 on one
side. Tylenol with codeine; I could feel my body start to relax. I nodded my gratitude when she returned with the water.
Dr. James, Gloria, shook her head brusquely, “Thank him. I’m reluctant to give you aspirin.”
As she sat back down Holmes resumed talking. “Gloria and I go back a long way and we truly don’t keep many things secret,” he paused, then continued, “personal or professional.”
“I thought there was a question of ethics involved?”
He raised his eyebrows and shrugged. “Perhaps. But in the larger scheme of ethics, precise confidentiality seems somewhat trivial.”
“Well, it sounds like some things remain unchanged. What kind of car do you drive?”
“What?” He looked puzzled.
“That rap sounded like your essays in the Radical Therapist. Come on, what kind of car do you drive?”
He started to look annoyed while Dr. James twisted uncomfortably in her seat. Holmes coughed and smoothed away the annoyance. “A Volvo. I don’t know whether to be flattered or suspicious by your research.”
“I understand. I feel the same way about your conversations with Gloria.”
Holmes burst out laughing. The sound boomed across the office. “Gloria has spoken so highly of you that I was predisposed to like you, but I hadn’t imagined how much.”
“Eban!” Gloria’s face was turning pink.
He shook his head at her. “Now listen, Glo, you can’t turn back the clock. You asked this man to help us out. The fact that I don’t need any help is quite beside the point. You can’t expect us to play games now. Matt knows perfectly well that we have talked about him. I don’t intend to pretend otherwise. And you know, as well as I, that he would know immediately if I lied. I can’t tell you what to do for yourself, so if you want us to talk somewhere else we will.”
Dr. James’ hands were balled up into fists. It bothered me to see her so unhappy so I said, “I know this is tough for you ’cause it ain’t a walk in the woods for me. But you keep acting like you’re letting me down by not being my shrink right now, but that’s not true. Now I don’t know what I think about Dr. Holmes’, Eban’s, philosophy but right now I don’t care. First things first.”
I felt my temper rising and heard it seep out into my voice. “Someone wants me out of their way and was willing to use muscle to get it done. Well, they should have asked politely.”
I didn’t think she felt settled, but her hands did unclench and she tried a weak smile. “I suppose you’re both right but I keep getting in deeper than I want.” She looked at Holmes and a sharpness returned to her face. “I’m not used to this, Eban.”
“I know you’re not.” He nodded toward me. “But it seems as if you picked a decent enough person to try with.”
“I’m not sure I want to try. It certainly wasn’t the reason I began,” she finished glumly.
I interjected, “Why did you begin?”
“I told you the reasons when I was at your house.” She spoke as if she were remembering a trip to the emergency room.
“Well, you didn’t tell me enough. Some vague notion of protecting him,” I jerked my arm, “just doesn’t cut it. That was fine if your concerns were groundless, but they aren’t. My face and body are proof of that.” Right then nothing hurt and I even felt a little lightheaded. Thank you Dr. Gloria.
Holmes’ eyes were glittering. “You mean your face is connected to this?”
“My face, my body and, because of other information, my mind.”
“Other information?”
“My contact found it difficult to get the police report on the break-ins.”
“Should it have been easy?” His voice had grown quiet but there was no mistaking his interest.
“Easier than it was.”
“What else?”
“Not much more than what Dr., I mean, Gloria suggested. The police wrote it up as a typical junkie crime, but it doesn’t look that way to me. Anyhow, if there was any doubt that something strange is happening, it should be laid to rest with this.” I gestured toward my bruises.
Dr. James spoke from behind her desk. “He thinks it was the police who beat him up.”
“What? Can you be certain?”
“Same question everyone is asking. They didn’t leave a card.”
“Let’s accept your hypothesis. What did they want?”
I was getting tired of the interview. “They wanted to be friends. All I needed to do was stay away from here. Now I’m hearing the same thing from her.”
The image of the two cops filling my doorway flooded my mind. “Look, I’m sick of this shit.” I looked at the two of them deliberately.
“I want to know why Dr. James thought the break-ins had something to do with you.”
Holmes sighed and pushed his body to the back of the chair. He tugged at his beard and stared vacantly past my shoulder. Finally he looked at Dr. James and nodded his head. “I think you need to talk, Gloria. What he wants to know has more to do with you than me.”
“Eban, I can’t. I’ve been treating Mr. Jacob for four years. I can’t just talk.”
I looked from one to the other. “I don’t give a shit who talks. Lie down on the couch if you have to.” I struggled to my feet while both of them looked at me oddly. “As far as my treatment is concerned, Gloria, consider it complete. Over.” My own surprise at my words calmed me down a little. “Successful.”
There was a moment of shocked silence. I had suddenly found myself adding another breakup to a lifetime of dissolutions. And like I had before, I almost wished I hadn’t said anything. And, like I had before, I felt almost giddy with relief.
“Bullshit! Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!” She stood and grabbed at the corners of her desk. Her voice was shrill and her mouth looked distorted as the words came tumbling. “Regardless of any mistake I may have made, I deserve better than this. I’ve worked week after week, month after month to get you back on your feet. I’ve struggled to see through your passive hostility, your cynicism, your resistance. I know I’m not the warmest therapist alive but I think I’ve worked with compassion and belief in your capabilities, your potential. Surely you have some sense of that?” She turned toward Holmes. “Goddamn you!” She turned right back toward me. “You can’t walk out. You’re getting better. We’ve worked too hard, too many hours for you to leave now. I just won’t let you.”
By the time she finished her voice had choked and tears were edging down her face. I felt myself pale under my black-and-blues. It was hard to look at her. My own throat was tight and I felt a ball of sadness well up behind my eyes. “Of course I know what you think of me. I certainly know how hard you’ve worked, how difficult I am. I don’t think I could have stayed with therapy as long as I have without knowing those things. But maybe you’ve been more successful than you realize. If it were only looking into the burglaries I could stop.
Hell, I didn’t want to start; I still don’t cotton myself a fucking detective.”
I flashed on the scene in the Aquarium, then shook my head. “The beatings make it different. I can easily imagine a time when someone could have trashed me and I would have believed that I deserved it. I’m different now. I don’t want to just let it go. I can’t.”
Holmes was sitting quietly, watching, his face a mask. Slowly he got off the chair and walked across the room toward Gloria. I felt foolish just standing there and sat back down. Gloria had her face covered with her hands and pulled her arm away when he touched her elbow. He held his ground. “Glo. Listen to me. There are many ways to understand what’s happening here, but we’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t pay atttention to yourself. You can hear what you’re saying. You have a lot of deep feelings for Matthew and you really deserve to understand them.”
His voice was soft, almost a whisper. I could feel my own shock begin to drain, and I could see Dr. James begin to relax. But now that I was out of treatment why was I thinking of her as Dr. James?
Holmes kept talking. “All t
hree of us understand that the two of you have some talking to do before any final decisions about working together should be made. But Gloria, we also know that consciousness is the last stop for information, not the first. When you decided to visit him at his home … no, let me finish . . . you were trying to tell yourself something. Now you need some time to sort things out, and so does he. Both of you seem to have arrived here somewhat accidentally.”
Dr. James had stopped crying and was looking at him, but he looked at me. “You seem intent on following through with this investigation?”
He didn’t wait for my answer. “Why don’t we agree that for the duration of this work both of you will try to cooperate as peers and both of you will give more thought to your professional relationship.” His voice grew absolutely neutral. “Perhaps to your relationship in general. When your investigation is complete there will be plenty of time to talk.”
Dr. James began to say something but Holmes wasn’t finished. “What sort of business arrangements did the two of you discuss when you met?”
I shrugged. Gloria found her voice. “None, really.”
“Well, I would think something more formal might be useful.”
I stared at him, “So why don’t you hire me?” I couldn’t believe it. I was asking for a job.
“I have no reason to hire you.”
“She thought you did.”
“She was wrong.”
“Eban, then what are you saying?” She had regained her composure and was looking at Holmes who was still standing beside her. “If you don’t need to hire him neither do I.”
He walked back to his chair but didn’t sit down. “First of all, Matt needs it. He is going to stay involved and, since you got him into this, some legitimacy would probably help. Also, Glo, I think you need to work with him in a way that doesn’t simply reinforce your perception of him as a patient. Since you both seem uncomfortable with ‘neither fish nor fowl,’ I think some pasta might help.”
I understood what he meant, and she certainly did. The room grew quiet while she sat thinking. Eban reached into his pocket and withdrew a pipe. The sight of it reminded me of how badly I wanted a cigarette. I reached into my coat, pulled out my pack, and lit one. Another taboo broken. Dr. James read my mind. “I almost told you not to smoke during a session.” She smiled wryly past her tear-stained face.
The Complete Matt Jacob Series Page 8