Brody finishes her sentence. “That's why you were on the seizure medication, Gav.”
I don’t remember having them, but then again I couldn’t because I was a baby and babies don't have great memories of things when they are small. Andy knew about it, which was odd.
How did the Andy part of my brain know something I didn't?
I can’t think straight with Mom coughing and wheezing. That cough scares me.
Dr. Larson leaves to get Mom water while Brody puts his hand on Mom’s shoulder as her body jerks with each forceful cough.
Dr. Larson returns with a cup. “Here, Mrs. Ferguson, this may help.”
Once Mom stops coughing, Dr. Larson explains what tests will be done and how it will make connections between my seizures, my symptoms, Andy, and the traumatic events. She says the term 'Post Traumatic Stress Disorder' again then explains that disorder to Mom and Brody. They have many questions and Dr. Larson keeps giving them complicated answers that I can’t really keep up with, so I just sit there and pretend to listen.
Dr. Larson, Mom and Brody talk about past test results, medications, symptoms, side effects, and my overlapping disorders: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder with dissociative amnesia, psychogenic seizures or epileptic seizures, Autism Spectrum Disorder, and Asperger’s Syndrome.
The discussion makes my head spin. I guess my mind slips away because suddenly I notice the conversation has stopped. I feel like I have missed something important so I sit up taller in my chair, wondering where the conversation went.
Dr. Larson looks at each of us then says, “I don’t think Gavin will be ready to return home in June.”
What?
“It is going to be too soon with our latest finding,” Dr. Larson says as she shifts her eyes to me. “I’m sorry Gavin.”
She doesn’t think I can get better. She thinks I am a lost cause.
Mom clears her throat before speaking. “The judge said he would only stay until June.”
I don’t want to be here forever. I want to go home!
“June is like three months away,” Brody says, angrily. “He can make a lot of progress between now and then. He's a smart kid. He will come around quicker than you think.”
Mom is coughing again and Dr. Larson speaks over her. “I didn’t say it was set in stone. It just depends on how Gavin heals. Once the test results come back, we can confirm and rule out diagnoses that stem back for years; some of which was over diagnosis in my opinion.”
The sound of rolling thunder and a small flash of lightning beyond the barred window near Dr. Larson’s desk has my full and undivided attention now. I see the sharp tap, tap, taps of giant rain drops, knocking on the glass. The annoyance of rising voices and words back and forth slips away.
March 17
When Nurse Cindy came this morning, I noticed she didn’t have any medicine, just a tray of breakfast. I asked her where it was. She said that I couldn’t have them because of the tests.
Dr. Larson came to my room a little after that and asked if I remembered how the conversation ended with my mom, Brody, and her yesterday when we met. I told her that I remembered them arguing about staying here longer, then I heard thunder and raindrops on her window and it distracted me. That was all I could remember.
She asked if I remembered what I said after Brody and my mom hugged me. I said I didn’t.
She said I told her, Mom and Brody I was going to heal and I would be ready to celebrate my birthday in June at home.
I told her I didn’t say that and she said I sure did. She asked if I remember hugging Mom and Brody and I told her I didn’t.
She explained what happens with this dissociative identity disorder and the amnesia that takes place when I’m under stress. Stress triggers the seizure, then boom, moments in time are blocked from my memory.
I asked her if the part of my mind that made me say those things I couldn’t remember was actually Andy. Well, the Andy-side of me. She said that she believed that was the case, but we needed to run tests; lots of them.
I guess the Andy side of me was just hiding somewhere in my mind.
I miss Andy.
She said it might take a couple of weeks to get the results of the evaluation, the MRI and EEG scans along with appointments with a bunch of doctors with titles ending in “gist”.
Thinking back, it kind of scared me to have been walking these halls, going to group sessions and eating lunch with this imaginary self that didn’t exist. I mean, when I was talking to him was I speaking out loud? Was I that crazy? Is that what other people saw me as at lunch or while I was sitting in the Recreation Room? Is that what Sam and Mary Kate saw?
Huh, they thought I was not as disturbed as they others! When we were sitting at lunch, did they see me talk to Andy? Did I speak out loud or was I really just talking in my head? What did I look like to others walking in the courtyard supposedly side by side with Andy? He was never by my side. He was in my head the whole time. She said I removed myself from the Andy that was me during the seizure. I was right thinking Andy liked Hamlet as much as I did because he was me! I was right in thinking that Andy liked taking pictures, because he was me and I was him.
I asked her if he would come back? I mean, even though he was a symptom of an illness, I wanted him to be a part of me. I missed him in a strange kind of way.
She said that he may or may not. She said it was good Andy wasn't here now; it meant I was getting stronger.
I told her that I understood, but it was hard to believe that my mind could create a whole other person. She said it didn’t surprise her one bit. She'd known for a while that my extraordinary mind could do more than I believed.
At the end of our meeting Dr. Larson told me my tests would start tomorrow. I guess I looked scared because she explained that none of them would bring physical pain. They would just take time.
Before I left I asked her why she allowed me to believe I was moving in with Andy if she knew he was a symptom. She said she needed me closer to the nurses' station, in case I did something to hurt myself. She said she made a choice to let me believe longer for my own safety.
I asked, if I never had another seizure, would she have let me keep believing Andy was real.
She said that never telling me wasn’t an option. It was just a matter of time before I found out.
GF
March 18
She was right. The EEG test today took a long time and it sucked. They put things on my head called electrodes. They had glue on them and, the way the nurse placed them on my scalp, I knew it was going to hurt when they came off. I think not having my medicines had something to do with it hurting more.
The doctor running the exam asked me to do weird things; sit up, lay on my right side, lay on my left side, lay flat on my back, and breathe fast. I told him I didn’t understand why I had to do it all. When I asked him why I had to breathe fast, he said it would stimulate my senses, maybe bring on a seizure for them to interpret from the EEG. I sat up quickly and told him that it was stupid for me to want to give myself a seizure. He said it was for the purpose of the test. I told him that I didn’t care what it was for. I didn’t want it to happen again. I also told him to get the fucking sticky, annoying things off of my head. I could feel them burning where they were glued!
Dr. Larson came in and tried to calm me. I really wanted to pull the electrode things off and leave, but she told me that having the test be as accurate as possible would keep me from having to do it all over again.
We did the test at night, which I thought was stupid until they told me it was so I could be tested while I slept. While I slept! I almost sat up again, but reminded myself I would have to do this all over. I didn’t sleep and after a few hours, they decided to end the test. They said they had gotten enough information, but I didn’t know how since I didn’t have a seizure. Both Dr. Larson and the doctor running the test said that I had. Makes sense that I didn’t remember because of the way my seizures
work. It was super late and Nurse Cindy finally gave me medicine to sleep.
Gotta go. MRI test tomorrow.
GF
March 20
MRI was yesterday. It wasn’t as weird as the EEG thing. I had to lie in this narrow tube. It looked kind of like a cocoon. I just closed my eyes as I moved slowly into the machine. The sounds it made were really loud and I wanted to hit the machine to make it stop, but I knew that I would just have to start over again. I thought of home instead. Thought of Brody, Mom, Lia, Evan, Nikki and Asher, laughing and joking like we used to. It helped.
I haven’t seen Mom and Brody during the tests. Dr. Larson said it was best to not have any distractions. She said I would see them in a few days after all of the testing was complete. I asked her what a few meant and she clarified since she knows I needed things explained clearly. She said it would be two more days and then I would see them. Nurse Cindy brought me some medicine for sleep again. She said I could start my morning medicine tomorrow.
GF
March 21
Questions, questions. I’m sick of questions!
This is the last day of it though. Tomorrow I get to see Mom and Brody. Dr. Larson says that she has been updating them every day. I ask her if Brody and Mom are upset that they couldn’t be here during my tests. She says yes and has this funny smile. I ask her why she's smiling. She says that my brother and Mom have been calling three times a day, checking on me and that my brother said if he didn’t see me tomorrow, he would do whatever it took to get into the center and find me. Sounds like Brody.
GF
March 22
It felt like I hadn’t seen Mom and Brody in months, but it had only been two weeks. The testing made the time feel longer, I guess.
Mom looked good. No coughing and she had color back in her cheeks. I asked her how she was feeling, but she said for me not to mind that. She wanted to know how I was. I told her how the EEG sucked, how the MRI scan was easy just as long as I thought about home and ignored the sounds, and that the questions they asked went on forever.
Brody was quick to ask what kind of questions were asked. Dr. Larson told him that it was a standard set of questions everyone was asked during a psychiatric evaluation.
Brody didn’t listen to her though. He looked at her in a mean way and said he didn’t want to hear it from her. He wanted to hear it from me.
I didn’t like how rude he was being and I told him so. I told him she was just trying to be helpful. I told him they were simple questions a first grader could answer.
He kept asking if they asked me anything that scared me or made me nervous. I told him they didn’t and I promised I was all right.
The way he was acting made me see just how anxious Brody really was. I never saw him so anxious or scared. He was always the one in control. But, now, with me here, it was like he was lost. Like he didn’t know what to do if he didn’t have complete control over what was happening in my life.
I secretly liked it. Not that he was nervous or upset; I could never be happy about him feeling that way, but it showed me that even my big brother can be fearful.
Mostly, I felt like I had control over something he didn’t for the very first time in forever.
GF
March 23
Nurse Cindy gave me my medication and left my breakfast tray on the desk. I wasn’t hungry though. I just wanted to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.
I decided to eat lunch in the cafeteria.
This is the first day I would be out of my room since I found out Andy wasn’t real. Dr. Larson said to take baby steps, like walking to the nurses station and back. I felt ready to go to the cafeteria, though.
GF
March 23
As I pass the nurse station, Nurse Cindy looks over her shoulder. She has great hearing, so my being extra quiet doesn't work.
“Mr. Ferguson, are you ready for lunch?” she asks, curiously.
“I am going to the cafeteria to eat today. Thank you.”
Vigilantly, she looks me up and down. “Oh. All right. Have a good lunch then.”
I keep walking even though her comment makes me feel like I won’t follow through.
The smell of chicken, and pizza greets me when I pass through the cafeteria doors. Mr. Garret stands at the far end of the cafeteria with his arms crossed, hovering near Henry the Rocker who is rocking and staring at his plate of food.
“Gavin.” The voice is distinctly Mr. Hank’s. “ Did you need something?”
His eyes are weighing down on me, asking why I am here.
“Wanted to eat lunch,” I say, flatly.
“Oh, all right then! They have baked chicken and mashed potatoes with extra cheese today. Just they way you like.”
I do like mashed potatoes with extra cheese.
“Thank you,” I say, stiffly and walk past him to join the lunch line.
I carry my tray to the empty table I used to share with Andy, Sam, and Mary Kate.
Eating quietly, I don’t notice anyone approach until the two chairs across from me are pulled out from the table. It is Mary Kate and Sam.
“What happened to you?” Mary Kate asks.
I don’t answer. I just shrug my shoulders.
“Did you lose it?” Sam asks.
I didn’t lose anything. What a strange question.
“No.”
“Then what happened to you?” Mary Kate asks.
“We saw them take you away,” Sam quickly adds.
I look up at them from my cheesy mashed potatoes. Should I ask if they ever heard me talking to myself ?“Did I used to talk to myself at lunch?” I ask, not hesitating to decide if it is the right time or not.
Mary Kate and Sam look at each other then back at me before they both shake their heads from side to side.
“No,” Mary Kate says.“You aren’t a nutter, Gavin.”
So I did talk in my head, not out loud.
With some hesitation, I ask, “Have you ever heard me talk about Andy?”
Sam squints his eyes before asking, “Is this a trick question?”
Trick question?
“No,” I say then take a bite of my mashed potatoes.
“No, you have never talked about this Andy person and no, we don’t think you are a nutter. So there,” Mary Kate snaps quickly then smiles.
I stop chewing my food, surprised.
“So, where have you been?” Mary Kate asks, eagerly.
Mary Kate giggles softly when Sam nudges her with his elbow. “Yeah, it’s not the same around here without you Gavin,” he says before taking a bite of his pizza.
“We missed you tons,” Mary Kate adds as she cuts her chicken into small slices.
My lips rise into a smirk, remembering the times we had spent together at lunch; they were fun.“You did?”
“The rocker is pretty entertaining, but no company at all,” Sam says as he leans back, tipping his chair on two legs.
“Yeah, and the others don’t speak,” Mary Kate says before turning to the open cafeteria saying loudly, “They are all BORING!” She giggles as the other patients’ meaningless moans and chattering rise louder.
Henry the Rocker catches my eye as he rocks faster. Mr. Garret tries to calm him down as Mr. Hank moves in behind Mary Kate and Sam.
Timidly, I look up, expecting him to get mad at Mary Kate for yelling out. Instead he is looking at me.
“Good cheesy potatoes today, huh?” he asks in his deep voice.
I mumble, “Yes sir.”
He looks down his nose at Mary Kate’s plate.
“More eating MK. You aren’t going to meet weigh-in this week eating like that,” he says.
She rolls her eyes, sticks her fork into a small slice of chicken, and nibbles on the edge of it.
Mr. Hank walks away slowly, arms crossed as he monitors the cafeteria.
MK must be her nickname. Would be a lot easier to say than Mary Kate that’s for sure.
I think I will call her by her nickname
from now on.
Sam watches him then nudges Mary Kate. “Eat what you can MK. I'll help you out.”
I'm not sure what Sam means, but deep down it feels like it isn’t going to help MK at all.
* * *
Dr. Larson and I don’t meet today, but I keep thinking about what I wrote in my journal last night. I knock on her door softly, then realize how rude that could have been if she had another patient with her. I quickly turn to walk away, but see her walking toward me.
“Mr. Ferguson. Everything all right?” she asks.
I look down at my shoes, nervously. “Yes.”
“Did you need to talk about something?”
I look up at her and ask, “Are you busy?”
She places her key into the door to unlock it.“No, come in,” she says, stepping into the room and turning on the light.
We both sit and as she places her briefcase alongside her desk. “What’s on your mind?”
So much is on my mind. I only want to talk about one thing though. “The other day, when Brody was being rude to you about all the questions during the test...”
She interrupts me, “It didn’t bother me really. I know he was concerned for you.”
“No, I’m not...it is not about that. I mean it is, but isn’t.” I’m frustrated and can’t get my mind around what I am trying to say.
She sits back in her chair and studies me the way she does when we have our sessions. I know she is listening now.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have interrupted you. Try to slow your mind and think it through Gavin,” she says, calmly.
I breathe in and out slowly, like we have practiced over the past months. After a handful of breaths, my mind feels clearer, simpler again.“He wanted control.”
“Control?” she asks.
I nod. “He didn’t know what I was experiencing. He couldn’t protect me from the tests. He was afraid.”
Resurrecting Gavin (A Dismantling Evan Companion Novelette) Page 2