by Ana Huang
I dropped down on the couch next to him. “What do you mean?”
“At school,” he explained. “If we’re going to play the part, we need to act the part, which means you can’t go around talking about how much you hate me anymore.” Parker smiled cheekily and patted me on the head. “You need to act like a good little girlfriend.”
I swatted his hand away with annoyance. “I’m not a dog, Parker. And define ‘act like a good girlfriend.’” I left out the ‘little’ part. After all, I was five foot seven! It’s not like I was a midget.
“Well, you should probably try to get along with my friends. We need to kiss, hold hands, spend time together…”
I stared at him in disbelief. “And you’re ok with all this? Won’t that ruin your reputation as an eternal bachelor or something?”
Parker yawned. “Eh, I don’t really care what people think. Besides, it’d be worth it for the Roman factor alone.”
I was about to ask what he meant by that when he spoke up again. “Besides, life was getting boring. You, my dear, just made it a lot more interesting.”
* * *
“Ugh! Go away,” I muttered, burying my face into my pillow and hoping whoever was ringing the doorbell incessantly would just disappear.
It was Saturday morning, for Pete’s sake. Didn’t they have somewhere better to be? Like their own bed?
Considering the fact the doorbell was still ringing, I guess the answer is no.
With a huge sigh, I swung my legs over the edge of my bed and stumbled down the stairs, wondering why my grandmother chose today of all days to drag my mom to tai chi in the park. My dad had left for yet another business trip yesterday and so I had the whole house to myself.
Whoever was at the door had given up ringing the bell and was now pounding on the door instead.
“Hold your horses! I’m coming,” I called out crankily. I’m not really a morning person.
I let out a huge yawn and opened the door, getting ready to shoo whoever was there away so I could go back to my best friend, aka my pillow.
When I saw who was on my doorstep though, my jaw dropped in shock.
What in God's name was Roman Fiori doing at my house on a Saturday morning, holding a gift basket? And why the heck was he wearing a Mickey Mouse T-shirt?
CHAPTER 9
“Want a banana?” Roman held out the yellow fruit, which he’d plucked from the gift basket I’d reluctantly opened a mere minute ago.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “No, thanks.”
“How about an apple?”
He brandished the shiny red fruit like it was a trophy.
I gritted my teeth. “No, thanks. Look, I know you didn’t come here on a Saturday morning to offer me fruit. Why are you really here?”
As I eyed his Mickey Mouse shirt, then the apple, a horrible thought formed in my head. “You poisoned the fruit, didn’t you?” I accused.
Yeah, that’s right. I saw Snow White.
Roman stared at me like I was crazy. “Of course not,” he snapped, sounding a lot more like his regular self. “Do I look like a murderer to you?”
Now I was the one who looked at him like he was crazy. “Are you seriously asking me that question? Yes! You already kidnapped me twice. Murder is the next logical step.”
He rolled his eyes and dropped the fruit back into the basket, which also consisted of several large swirly lollipops, a bag of Lindt truffles, a teddy bear holding a giant HUG ME pillow, and a random lavender-scented bath products set. “Gee, I was just trying to be nice, and this is what I get in return?”
I snorted in disbelief. “You, be nice?” I looked out the window. “Nope, don’t see any pigs flying, which means you’re lying!”
Oh, hey, that rhymed.
Roman glared at me, although the full threatening effect was impeded by that ridiculous bright yellow Mickey Mouse shirt he was wearing. He looked like he was playing dress-down in his younger brother’s clothes, if he had a younger brother.
“Stop being such a grouch, Dr. Seuss. You think I want to be here? I’m only here because Parker, for a reason I can’t quite understand, decided he wants to date you. That means I’m going to have to see your stupid face all the time and it’d be nice if I don’t rupture an artery every time I see you!”
“Rupture an artery?” I repeated sweetly, not letting any of my inner ire show. “One can only hope. Besides, I distinctly remember you asking me to be your girlfriend yesterday! Did you hit your head and get amnesia overnight?”
Roman’s mouth opened and closed like a goldfish’s.
Despite my irritation, I couldn’t help but giggle. I wish I had a camera with me right now.
“Yeah, well, I only did so to give you a way out,” he finally sputtered. “Not like I would actually want a commoner like you to be my girlfriend.” He gazed disdainfully around the living room. “My bathtub is bigger than this place!”
“Really? Then why don’t you go take a bath and get lost in there while you’re at it,” I snapped. Ok, so not the best comeback, but whatever. “If you’re going to stand here and insult my house, why don’t you just leave right now!”
I was seriously beginning to regret letting him in. In fact, the only reason I did so was so no nosy neighbors saw the Fiori heir standing on my doorstep, which would inevitably lead to a lot of rumors and gossip I didn’t need.
“Oh, I’ll be happy to,” Roman snapped back. “After you answer one question.”
I clenched my jaw. He was put on earth just to annoy the heck out of me, wasn’t he? “Are you going to ask it or are you just going to stand there and take up valuable space?”
“Like anything in here is valuable,” he sneered. His lips thinned. “Why are you dating Parker?”
Now I was confused. “Uh…remember the part where you called me a gold-digging slut? Didn’t that answer the question for you?” My tone was sarcastic.
Unfortunately, my sarcasm was completely lost on him. “You picked Parker out of all people?” Roman hissed. “He’s the biggest playboy on the East Coast! He’ll only break your heart, you know.”
“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I’m dating him, not you. Besides, why do you care if I get my heart broken or not? You’ll probably throw a party if that happens!”
“Not if, when.” Roman’s jaw tensed. “And I don’t care. You can date a million Parkers if you want, it doesn’t mean a thing to me.”
“Oh, really?” I taunted. “It sure doesn’t seem that way.”
I only said it to get on his nerves, but for some reason, his face turned bright red at my observation and he quickly looked away.
Huh. Weird.
“Let’s just get back on topic,” he finally said, still avoiding my gaze. “Look. Just consider this gift basket an olive branch, of sorts. Like I said, it’d be best if we could get along just for Parker’s sake. Though I don’t necessarily agree with your relationship.”
I rolled my eyes. “How generous of you.”
Nevertheless, I grudgingly nodded in agreement. For once, Roman had said something that made sense. Parker and I weren’t really a couple, but we had to act like one, which meant I was going to be around Roman a lot.
The thought kind of made me want to poke my eyes out, but that’s my life for you. Besides, hating someone and showing it so openly was actually kind of exhausting.
"And...uh." Roman now looked uncomfortable. "I guess I just wanted to say that... I'msorryaboutyesterday," he mumbled.
I blinked. "Huh?"
He let out a huge sigh. "I said..." His voice lowered. "I'm sorry about yesterday."
My jaw almost grazed the floor. Did he just...apologize?
"Obviously," he said grumpily.
Oh. I didn't know I'd voiced my thoughts aloud. "I can't believe you're apologizing to me." I was amazed.
"Trust me, it's not out of my own free will," he sneered. "Just so you know, I only did it so Adri would stop yapping in my ear. Tell me, was all of female kind bo
rn this annoying or do your moms teach you this kind of stuff?"
I glared at him. "And you tell me, did your childishness come free with the shirt or did you buy it on its own?"
"Your wit astounds me,” he said sarcastically. "Well, now that everything's cleared up, I'm glad we can go back to existing in silent mutual hatred."
"Wow, how can I resist such a sincere and heartfelt apology?" This time, I was the sarcastic one. I tapped my foot on the floor and stared at him pointedly. "Since, as you say, everything's cleared up, can you leave now?"
Roman shot me a dirty look, and I just gazed innocently back at him.
However, before he had a chance to take even a step toward the exit, the front door opened, and my mom and grandmother walked in. They stopped when they saw Roman in the living room.
Roman straightened up a bit, a polite expression suddenly taking over his features.
It seriously weirded me out. I was so not used to seeing him act…human.
“Good morning,” he said politely, not sounding at all like the boorish, egomaniacal brute he really was.
My grandmother, though, was having none of it. “Why you in my living room?” she demanded, planting her hands on her hips and drawing herself up to her full four feet, nine inches. “I never see you before!”
Then she turned her glare onto me. I gulped. Uh-oh.
“Maya! What going on here? He no Peewee!” Her horrified gaze swept over my tousled hair and pajamas. “Why you dress like that? Your hair look like rat’s nest! Not presentable!” She pointed accusingly at me and Roman. “You cheat on Peewee?”
Peewee? Who was Peewee? I snuck a peek at Roman, who just looked stunned that this tiny little Asian woman was yelling at him.
“Peewee?” I croaked weakly.
It was the wrong thing to say.
“Yes, Peewee!” Now my grandmother looked really mad. “You throw peas at him Thursday night. Very bad manners. And now you look like…” She paused and shook her head, obviously unable to think of a word bad enough to describe what I looked like. “I very ashamed!”
Ohhh. She was talking about Parker. In a bout of completely inappropriate timing, I smirked a bit as I thought about what Parker would say if he heard himself being referred to as “Peewee.” He would probably die.
I silently vowed to tell him this interesting little tidbit the next time I saw him.
While I silently and gleefully contemplated on how to shrink Parker’s ego even more, my grandmother started on Roman.
“You!” She wagged a wrinkled finger at him. “You try to steal Maya from boyfriend?”
“No.” Roman looked utterly baffled. “Uh…I just came by to drop off some fruit.” He pointed lamely at the basket.
Apparently, my grandmother had the ability to turn even him into a stuttering idiot. Oh wait, he already was one.
“Fruit?” My grandmother walked over and picked through the basket. “Aha!” She triumphantly pulled out the lollipops and jabbed them accusingly at his chest. “I knew it! You think cuz I old lady, I stupid, huh? But I know what you try to do!”
“You do?” Roman and I asked at the same time.
We glared at each other before turning back to my grandmother.
“What am I trying to do?” Roman asked cluelessly.
“You try to seduce my Maya!” my grandmother declared. “Lollipops very phallic!” She shoved the lollipops into his hand and smacked him on the back of the head. Well, she tried anyway. Since she was so short and Roman was so tall, she only managed to swat his shoulder. “You shameful! Teenage boys these days, so dirty-minded! Now you listen. Maya has boyfriend. They marry after college. I no want you ruin that! You try to seduce her again, you regret it! I know Bruce Lee’s teacher!”
Roman just stared at the lollipops in his hand. “Isn’t Bruce Lee’s teacher dead?”
I groaned. Oh, that was the wrong thing to say.
My grandmother let out an indignant yelp. “You very insensitive boy! You no talk about Yip Man like that!”
“But all I said was that he’s dead. Which he is.”
By now, even I was starting to feel bad for him. “Um…you might just want to stop arguing with her,” I piped up, shooting him a warning look.
Luckily, my grandmother had moved on from the topic of her old friend Yip Man. Unfortunately, she had moved on to…Roman’s shirt.
“Mickey Mouse?” she gasped, staring at his torso like it had personally offended her. Which it had, I guess. In a way.
“Oh. Yeah.” Roman looked down. “It’s cute, right?”
I gulped, backing away slowly. This was not going to end well. At the same time, though, I couldn’t help feeling some perverse pleasure at the fact that he was getting totally beaten down by a seventy-year-old Asian lady.
“Cute?” my grandmother shrieked. “Mickey Mouse not cute! Disney World horrible! They want mice and ducks take over the world! And they charge you to help mice take over world! That what you want? Mickey Mouse be world king?”
“No?”
Judging by the look on Roman’s face, it was official. He thought my grandmother was batshit insane. Well, she does go crazy every time she sees Mickey Mouse. He had picked the worst possible day to wear that shirt, and the worst possible day to come to my house wearing that shirt.
My grandmother stormed over to the closet where we kept our cleaning supplies, yanked open the door, and pulled out a broom.
“No mice allowed in this house!” she declared, brandishing the broom like a weapon. “Get out! Get out, or I hit you with broom!”
“You don’t need to ask me twice,” Roman muttered.
I snickered, and he gave me a death glare. I waved innocently at him, my morning suddenly improved by leaps and bounds.
“Out!” My grandmother swatted at him with the broom, and he was smart enough to hightail it out of there before it made contact. "Shameful boy! Bring Mickey into the house!" She spit out the name like it was something foul. "Not welcome!"
When he finally left, I burst into laughter. Now I really wish I’d had a camera to document the whole encounter.
“Why you laughing?” my grandmother snapped huffily. “You wrong too! No lady with boyfriend let other boy in house." She stared disapprovingly at my outfit. "Especially not dress like that!" She clucked her tongue and lightly tapped by butt with the handle of her broom. "Your butt too big for those shorts! It get any bigger, it need its own zip code!"
I stopped laughing. Was my butt really that big? I twisted my head around to try and take a look. Regardless, it was probably a good idea to appease her for now. “I know, I’m sorry grandma.”
I stared down at the gift basket. Damn. He had taken those lollipops with him. “It won’t happen again.”
I was about to offer her an apple or something to calm her anger when my finger brushed against the teddy bear. Gosh, it was so soft…
I picked it up, accidentally pressing against the HUG ME pillow. “Goooood morning!” The high, squeaky mechanical voice almost caused me to drop the bear on the floor.
The bear continued. “Hug me! Hug me! I love you! Hug me!”
I stared down at the talking bear in disbelief and, unable to help myself, cracked up all over again.
* * *
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew pretending to be Parker’s girlfriend was going to drastically change my life at school. I just hadn’t known how much.
It all started when Zack and Adri showed up at my house Monday morning to give me a ride.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked, staring at the two impossibly good-looking blondes in the front of Zack’s Porsche.
“We’re here to give you a ride!” Zack was nearly bouncing up and down in excitement. “It might be a bit tight—this car was made for two—but I’m sure you can fit! You’re really skinny.”
I blinked, my mind still a bit groggy from sleep. “Umm…why are you giving me a ride?”
Adriana pushed her Chanel sunglas
ses on top of her head and looked at me with an amused smile. Her blonde hair fell perfectly past her shoulders and her skin practically glowed.
Jeez, was it even human for someone to look that good so early in the morning?
“Well, you’re dating Parker now,” she pointed out. “We can’t have you walking to school anymore.”
“It’s bad for his image,” Zack supplied helpfully. “And for the Scions’ image as a whole.”
I hitched my backpack straps higher onto my shoulder. “I thought you guys didn’t care what people thought.”