"I know I've been worse than an asshole," I say, watching one side of her mouth tip up and knowing she would call me worse names. "It was for a good reason though, at least to me." Frustrated with the fact that she won't look at me, I decide just to lay it all out there. I can't stand this fucking distance, not when all I want to do is pull her into my arms and have her tell me she forgives me.
It feels like I'm at confession, getting ready to lay out all my sins and ask what I need to do for penance. "You know my relationship with most of my family is shit."
"Yes," she says softly, confusion evident in her voice.
"Luckily, you haven't had much interaction with my mother, but she's always getting into and out of trouble. Usually it's something to do with drugs or alcohol, she's been arrested for prostitution because she had to pay her dealer or she begs people for money because she owes somebody. She gets mixed up with people she shouldn't be associated with at all. This time, the guy demanded names of people she was close to, she gave him my name of course. Constance and Henry will never give her money, and my grandmother doesn't have much to give. Being part of my life put you in danger, and I couldn't allow that. Unfortunately, my fuck up of a mother gave them your name in an attempt to manipulate me, so they're already aware of you. It also means there's no reason for me stay away from you, because they already know who you are."
I've kept my gaze locked on her face throughout the entire explanation, watching her face grow more pale, knowing this is what I wanted to prevent. The last thing I want is for her to be scared or upset, but being a part of my life makes her ammunition for my mother.
"Did you not think I could handle it?" her voice is resigned, but I can hear the anger just below the surface. "That I'd want to be there for you...with you? We were great together, Jeremy...together we could have handled anything."
Not wanting to explain my actions yet again, actions that were meant to keep her safe, I say, "I just wanted to protect you..." Before I can explain any further, she finally turns to face me, her eyes sparking angrily as she glares at me, her temper snapping.
"Are you seriously telling me that you stayed away from me just because your mom is a crappy person? You've made my life a living hell for six weeks because you wanted to protect me?" She stands, almost vibrating with fury hurt.
As soon as she stops talking, I cut in, "Yes! It's my job to protect you." Doesn't she get that? All of this was to protect her, from her innocence touching my goddamn mother's bullshit touching her innocence.
"How do you know I couldn't handle it? I'd do anything for you Jeremy!"
I stand now, struggling to explain further, because this is the last reaction I expected from her, but she cuts me off, her voice thick with tears. "Did it ever occur to you that I wouldn't care? That I would want to be with you regardless? Do you really not realize how much I loved you?"
The fact that she uses the past tense doesn't escape my notice, and my heart clenches painfully at the thought that I've done too much damage for us to come back from this. Before I can think about possible repercussions, I walk over to stand in front of her, my hand shaking as I cup her cheek and ask, "Baby, what kind of man would I be if I didn't want to protect you? Hurting you hurts me." Bending so I can look straight into her eyes, I say, my voice rough with emotion, "You're the most important thing in my world, Little Bit. The only reason I shut you out is because I love you so fucking much. If something happened to you because of my family, if being with me caused you to be hurt, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Knowing it was better for you that I stay away was the only thing keeping me from you."
SarahBeth closes her eyes, shutting me out now, not allowing me to see what she's feeling. "Dammit! Do you honestly think I'd push you away if I didn't have a good fucking reason?" My voice rises with my frustration.
Her eyes fly open, pinning me with her angry stare. Jerking away from me, she spins around, and tries to get herself under control in a way that's all too familiar. I can't help but smile as she faces away from me, her hands balled into fists at her side, she's breathing heavily as she attempts to calm herself down. Finally, she turns back to me, but takes a step back, keeping her distance. She thinks that putting space between us will keep me away from her, but she's wrong. I've lived six weeks without her; I'm not going a minute longer.
"God, you make me so mad," she seethes, looking at me in a way that makes me worry over sensitive body parts and what she might do to them in retaliation. "I can't believe you would do that, that you would just cut me off and take yourself out of my life without even telling me what was going on. I just..." her voice breaks and I watch as she deflates in front of me, no longer the angry little madam, but a sad young girl instead. "If you only knew..."
Unable to take it anymore, the distance, the emotions, the whole damn situation, I take the three steps necessary to take her in my arms, refusing to let her go, even when she struggles. That might make me the worst kind of man, but she only pushes against me for a second before relaxing, clutching my shirt in her fists and burying her head in my chest.
SarahBeth
We stand in the middle of his living room, holding each other tightly and enjoying the fact that we're together. Well, I'm enjoying it; I can't really tell what he's feeling. I only let myself stay in his embrace for a few minutes, knowing if I'm there much longer, I'll end up forgiving him and I'm not ready to do that just yet.
Pulling away from him, I try to clear my head, knowing I need to get out of here before I give in completely. I'm still not sure he really means what he's saying. Hell, I'm not completely sure what he wants. I need to know though, I need to know if he's trying to get me back, or just explaining why he let me go before I make my next move. "What exactly do you want, Jeremy? Are you just trying to explain so I'll feel better about you leaving me? Are you trying to say you want us to be together?"
"I thought it was obvious," he says, raising a single eyebrow.
Cocking one of my own, I stare back at him, mustering up as much attitude as I can. "I wouldn't have to ask if it was."
"You're such a fucking smart ass," he murmurs, his lips twisting into a smirk, one of my favorite expressions. "Just to be sure, let me put it like this." Jeremy stalks towards me, causing me to back up until I hit the wall and there's nowhere else to go. By the time he stops, he's standing so close that each breath brushes my chest against him and it takes everything I have not to climb up his body. The tension in the room becomes thicker as we stand, so close physically but so far apart emotionally, until he finally leans in close to my ear to say, "I. Want. You. In every way that could possibly be taken."
My reply is a single breathy syllable, "Oh."
He straightens, his dark eyes boring into mine as he smiles wolfishly. "Any misunderstandings now?" I can do nothing but shake my head, my voice gone and my heart beating rapidly. Jeremy lowers his head, his intentions clear and I panic at the thought of his mouth on mine, pushing him frantically trying to move around him. Eyes wide, he moves away, giving me space and a chance to calm down. I need to tell him about the baby before anything like that happens, and I'm just not ready tonight.
Walking closer to the door, I ask quietly, "Can you please take me home now?"
Jeremy narrows his eyes as he stares at me. I want to squirm under his scrutiny, but manage to keep myself still. "What just happened?"
"Nothing! I'm just ready to go home." I'm trying desperately to come up with something, some reason why I need to leave, but the best I've got is, "You wanted to talk, we talked. It's been a long week, long couple of weeks really. Plus, this conversation, seeing you again, finding out what's been going on, it's been really draining and I'm tired." It's so lame, and I'm sure he's not going to buy it.
He continues to study me, his eyes moving back and forth between mine as his brow furrows. Finally, he sighs, "Are you sure that's all it is? Because a few minutes ago you were fine, and then when I tried to kiss you, you went a little crazy on me."
"Well gee, Jeremy, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you telling me why you've been pushing me away, meant I should forgive you immediately and jump right back into a relationship like no time has passed." I'm being a much bigger bitch than I need to be, but come on! What did he expect? If I'm honest with myself, I know that that's probably exactly what would have happened if it wasn't for my own secret, and that's why my voice is softer when I continue. "I'm just not ready for all of that yet. I need time...time to trust you again."
Jeremy flinches at my words, and I feel compelled to apologize, because I don't want him to feel worse. It's easy to see that he really does feel awful about everything that's happened. I'm just not ready to go there, so I hold back. He looks away, his jaw set and his eyes hard. When he turns back to me, his expression is blank and I know I've hurt him much more than I intended. Instead of talking it out, he walks around me, leaving me to follow behind him. The ride down in the elevator is even more tense than it was on the way up and I'm trying to figure out how to fix things. I should have just kept my mouth shut; hurting him just to get back at him, and to avoid telling him about the baby, isn't going to help us move forward.
The ride back to my house, and it feels really weird calling it that, since it was his for so long too, is even worse than the elevator. We're both lost in our own thoughts, each hurting, but neither willing to compromise. When he walks me to the door, he shoots me a curt, "Goodbye," before turning his back on me and walking back down the stairs.
I'm incredulous so before I can stop myself, I say, "So, that's it? You're just giving up? What happened to I want you..." I don't get a chance to finish my sentence before he rushes back up the stairs and presses me up against the front door, crushing his mouth to mine and pressing my hands against the wood. It takes me by surprise, but it's only about half a second before I'm kissing him back just as fiercely.
When we come up for air, Jeremy pulls back to gaze down at me, dropping my hands so he can cradle my face in his own. "You drive me so damn crazy," he says before kissing me sweetly, softly, almost reverently before touching his forehead to mine. "Baby, I'm never giving up. I won't let you give up either."
My breath catches in my throat at the emotion in his voice, and I whisper, "Okay," before he drops his hands from my cheeks and turns to walk down the steps. Just as he reaches the bottom, he turns back to say, "I'll call you tomorrow. Get inside and lock the door so I know you're safe, Little Bit." I nod, walking inside and locking the door behind me. Before he pulls away, my phone pings with a text.
When I walk into the kitchen the next morning, David and Lyric are sitting at the bar, watching me closely. I ignore them both and head for the pantry, grab a cereal bar and turn to walk back up the stairs. Before my foot even hits the first step, David calls me back down and sighing, I shuffle back into the room, raising my eyes to meet his concerned ones.
"How did things go with Jeremy last night? You were asleep when I got home last night so I didn't get to ask."
Ha. I pretended to be asleep when they peeked into my room...I wasn't ready to discuss what had happened. I'm still trying to process it all. Jeremy still wants to be with me? He kept away because he wanted to protect me?!
"It was okay," I say vaguely, hoping he'll be okay with that, even though I know he won't. When he frowns over at me, I take a seat at the other end of the bar, knowing this conversation is going to be just as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.
David makes a go on gesture with one hand, and rolling my eyes I tell him, "We went out to eat and then went back to his apartment so we could talk." David's eyes narrow dangerously, so I'm quick to point out, "We just talked." I can still feel Jeremy's lips on mine, my cheeks flame at the memory. but that's information I won't share with my brother.
"And? Did he say what the hell his deal is...why he's acting like more of an ass than he usually does?" He leans forward as he fires questions at me, not giving me a chance to answer one before asking another. Lyric lays a calming hand on his arm, attempting to relax him. My eyes widen when it actually works, shocked she has that kind of effect on him. David's usually pretty easygoing, but when you piss him off, you'd better watch out. He has a hard time controlling his temper when someone close to him is hurting.
I don't want to tell him what the real reason is, frankly I'm scared of what he'll do to Jeremy when he finds out why he really stayed away. Ugh, this is exactly what caused so many problems before, keeping things from my brother to avoid his anger. Taking a deep breath, I tell him quickly, "He said his mom has been getting into more bad stuff. She owes money to the wrong people and he was worried they would come after me to get him to pay her debts." David starts to speak, his face turning red with anger, but I put up a hand to stop him. I'd rather get it all out now and let him vent afterward instead of having him yell twice. "Apparently it doesn't matter though, because she already gave our names to the people she owes, so not being with me is pointless. He said he was just trying to protect me, he never stopped loving me and staying away was the hardest thing he's ever had to do. He just didn't want me to get mixed up in her bullshit." That wasn't exactly what Jeremy said, but close enough and hopefully it will keep my brother from going completely off the rails.
"That's actually kind of romantic," Lyric says with a dreamy sigh, prompting my brother to shoot her a look that plainly says, what the fuck?. When the words actually come out of his mouth, she stiffens and gives him a look that has me trying really hard not to smile. The fact that I once thought she was a pushover before is kinda funny, because she doesn't let my brother get away with a damn thing. "What? I think it's admirable that he was trying to protect her. Yeah, he's a dumbass for not telling her, or you, what was going on so you guys could handle it together, but it's really admirable that he was trying to protect her. You really can't be mad at him for that." She points first at him, then me, saying, "Neither of you can."
My brother looks properly chastised, and this time I can't stop my snicker, not even when he whips his head around so he can glare at me. He's not half as scary as he thinks he is. Lyric's still staring at him, one eyebrow raised in challenge, like she's just waiting for him to argue with her, but he doesn't. His shoulders slump and he shakes his head before he says, "All right darlin', maybe you do have a point. But," he starts when she flashes me a victorious smile, "that doesn't mean the shit he pulled was justified. Even if he thought he was keeping her safe, he should have told one of us instead of being a secretive, shady mother fucker."
"But, he did apologize. How can I be mad at him for trying to protect me? Don't get me wrong, we are in no way back together, and things are not okay, but at least I know why. I don't have to wonder what I did or if he loves me."
Looking at me in surprise, David cocks his head to the side, studying me, "Who are you and what did you do with my bratty little sister? That actually sounded well thought out and not...well...bratty."
"Shut up you jerk," I say, sticking my tongue out at him the way I used to when I was little.
He laughs, "And, she's back." Getting up, he walks past me, drops a kiss on the top of my head the heads for the fridge and gets out the stuff to make breakfast, although it's almost noon so it's more brunch. I watch him move around the kitchen, taunting Lyric while he cooks, and I can't help but hope that some day that will be Jeremy and me. That we'll be in a good place, where everything has been forgiven and we can move on, that we'll be together for good.
The text I received last night suggests otherwise, but I didn't tell my brother about it. I don't know what to make of it, or if it's even legitimate. Who could possibly send something like that to me? And, what could they gain? Jeremy and I aren't even back together. I need to show it to Jeremy first, in person, to see what his explanation is. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I open the message once more to study it, still not understanding what the person who sent it is trying to do.
I can guarantee he's not telling you everything
SarahBet
h
"Okay, hang on, I need to get this straight." Livvie's staring at me in disbelief as she ticks off points on her fingers. "He acts like the biggest dick ever, sends you flowers, apologizes for treating you like dirt and you just forgive him? Even after you got that cryptic text message? You should have told him where to stick both the flowers and the apologies!" She's indignant, and staring at me as though she can't believe what she's hearing but she doesn't have all the facts.
Sighing, I relax beside Wyatt, who's stretched out next to me on my bed. He automatically wraps an arm around my shoulders to pull me closer, glaring at Liv the whole time. Peyton's still at her parents for a few more weeks, and with Livvie and Emmett on yet another "break", not to mention all my drama, Wyatt hasn't left to go back home. "No, I haven't forgiven him, I haven't given up. I'm not that much of a doormat. But, Liv, you know it's more complicated than that! I have to give him a chance, I have to let him try to make things right...if not for me, then for our baby. And, for all I know, that text is just his mom trying to cause problems...it could be anyone, even a wrong number!" Shaking my head at the look she's giving me, the one that says she thinks I'm full of shit, I try to explain, even though I shouldn't have to. "Look, I'm just glad I know it wasn't because he didn't want me or was fed up with me. Trust me, I'm not forgiving or forgetting anytime soon. But, you know I love him, that I want to be with him. If he wants to grovel? I'm damn sure going to let him."
Livvie opens her mouth to argue, but Wyatt cuts her off, glaring at her hard enough that she cringes. Whatever happened this time between her and Emmett has made her Wyatt's least favorite person. "Even if she did forgive him, is that any of your business? Isn't your own drama enough for you? Do you really need to butt in on anyone else's?"
Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (Nashville Nights #2-3) Page 29