by Eva Luxe
At home, I lay down on the bed and tried to take a nap. Sleep was an escape. Time went past so quickly, and whatever was the matter had to wait. I couldn’t fall asleep, though. I got up and walked to the fridge where I found the Tiramisu Brian had brought with him.
I opened it and ate both helpings. I was eating my emotions. Great. Now I was going to feel horrible about my body, too. I would train with the girls next time to burn off whatever I’d just put on. If the paparazzi didn’t capture it before then.
I knew I was being ridiculous. I was bitter. But I was upset, and I told myself I had every right to be. I didn’t ask for this.
Finally, it was late enough that Brian had to be done with his training. I dialed his number, and he answered on the last ring, when I expected to get his voicemail again.
“How are you doing?” he asked immediately when he answered.
“Have you seen the tabloids?” I wasn’t interested in making small talk.
“I did,” he said. “I’m sorry that it comes across so ugly.”
I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see it. “I can’t do this, Brian,” I said.
I heard him draw a breath. “You mean like, at all, don’t you?” he asked. He sounded tired, and I didn’t get the feeling it was because of his training session.
“Yes.”
He blew out his breath again, and it sounded like defeat.
“I don’t know what to say,” he said.
“There’s nothing you can say,” I answered. “It’s too much for me. The memories returning are already throwing me off so much. And with the amnesia in the first place, having photos of us everywhere for the world to misinterpret isn’t something I can handle.”
He was quiet for long enough that I wanted to ask if he was still there.
“What are they misinterpreting?” he asked.
I didn’t know how to explain it. The photos looked so unlike me. They looked like someone caught in the act of doing something wrong, and that wasn’t what we were doing.
“What I see is a man and a woman kissing,” Brian said. “I know it sucks that the rest of the world saw it, too. I would have liked to have that time alone with you, just as much as you did. But I don’t see anything that can be misinterpreted.”
“You’re used to this kind of thing,” I said.
“Not really,” he countered. “Besides all the drama that happened two years ago, which Lacey helped me clean up, I haven’t exactly been in any of the papers for anything other than sports statistics. This is hard for me, too.”
I heard what he was saying, but I disagreed. This couldn’t be as hard for him as it was for me. There was no way it could be.
“Just give me one more shot, Sadie,” he said. “We’ll be more careful, aware of the paparazzi. We’ll plan to be more private. I just want to hang out with othe kissing or the sex, everything we’ve done that might look like we were as serious as could be. Thankfully, he didn’t mention it.
“I’m sorry, Brian,” I said. “I can’t do this. It’s too much.”
He wanted to say something and started his sentence, but I’d had enough. I pulled the phone away from my ear and hung up. It was childish. I was being a coward. But this was how it was going to be.
I dropped the phone on the bed where I sat and folded my arms around my stomach, as if I could physically keep myself together. It was the right thing to do, I told myself. I was trying to protect myself. This was basic survival. I was guarding my heart so that I wouldn’t get hurt.
Brian wasn’t someone I knew very well. Yes, we’d had sex, and it had been wonderful. I wasn’t the type to have one-night stands. But it didn’t mean that I was obliged to be with him now, just because I hadn’t been able to resist him, and we’d slept together.
And although he was kind and gentle, it didn’t mean that being with him was the right thing. I had to look out for myself. I had to make sure that I was all right, first and foremost, and if that meant telling him off again, that was what I was going to do.
I had been through so much, and the last thing I needed was more drama. I just wanted a peaceful life. I knew better than to get involved with a pro football player, even if he was my high school boyfriend, and I was foolish to fall for Brian’s charms.
I kept trying to justify it to myself this way. I kept telling myself that I had the right to make the choices that I made, that I deserved happiness, that with the accident happening and everything, I had to keep drama and difficulty to a minimum. I’d been through enough already.
Brian wasn’t someone I knew. He wasn’t such a big part of my life that I couldn’t function without him. He was just a guy that I’d met once upon a time who I tried spending more time with lately, and it wasn’t working out. It was fair. Sometimes when we tried to connect with someone, we failed.
I could cut the connection now, and it should have been fine.
I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes. Brian was a stranger, I told myself. Losing him wasn’t a big deal. But the little voice in my head countered, if he wasn’t anything to me, if he really was such a stranger, then why did saying goodbye hurt so damn much?
Chapter 21 – Brian
I was at a teammate’s party. The whole team, a lot of cheerleaders, and some other people that had nothing to do with football had turned up. The house, as big as it was, was packed with writhing bodies, music thrumming through my bones, and alcohol around every corner.
Alcohol wasn’t great for training. It did horrible things to your body, and hangovers were shitty when you needed to train, but everyone was in a good mood. It was the start of the season, and we were looking at a great year of football ahead of us.
I wasn’t in the mood to party. The only reason I went was because Hanson asked me to go with him. Lacey was at home with the baby, and he didn’t want to get smashed with the others. I also stayed in control.
“So, what are you doing to do, now?” Hanson asked after I told him what happened with Sadie. He’d seen the articles, and he could relate completely.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. She doesn’t want to talk to me at all. I tried calling her. She’s not even answering.”
Hanson nodded slowly and sipped his beer.
“Maybe just give her some time.”
I sighed. “Time was all I had to give her. With the amnesia, I couldn’t give her anything else. But now, even time seems to be slipping through my fingers.”
Hanson and I stood on the second-floor balcony that looked out over a main living room with double vaulted ceilings and full-length windows that were too tall for any curtains that could be opened and closed. People were dancing in the living room, bodies mashing against each other, grinding, feeling the pulse of the music.
“Did you see the news today?” I asked.
Hanson hadn’t mentioned anything, but I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to be nice.
He nodded. “I did. I wasn’t sure what to say about it.”
It was big of him. The news had another story about me and Sadie all over it, about how we called it quits so fast. Where the hell did they get this kind of information? It was ridiculous how fast news came out.
Being famous was great, but no one respected my privacy, and sometimes that really got to me.
“I have to say, man, I don’t know how you did it with Lacey back in the day,” I said.
Hanson had had so many news stories appear about him, stories that were about him and other women when they weren’t even true anymore. It was a miracle him and Lacey managed to make it work, after all.
“It helps that she’s a PR rep. She knows how to handle bad publicity and what to do so that they print good stuff, too. Like that charity.”
I grinned. Lacey had made Hanson part with an obscene amount of money so the press could start linking him with good deeds instead of bad. He’d looked so damn uncomfortable in a suit, if it hadn’t been so very necessary for his image, it would have been funny.
I sighed. L
acey had been forced to spend time with Hanson, even though she hated his guts half the time, because his image was her job. I didn’t have the luxury of Sadie being around me all the time so I could win her over, even though she didn’t want it.
All I wanted to do was be with her. I didn’t even expect anything other than friendship anymore. She’d been such a big part of my life when the accident happened. I just wanted some of that back.
“I think I’m gonna head home,” Hanson said when he finished his beer.
“So early?” I asked.
Hanson nodded. “The party sounded like fun, but now that I’m here, I realize how my priorities have changed. I’d rather be with my family.”
I understood what he meant. He clapped me on the back and left.
I wondered if I should leave, too. I wasn’t feeling the party. But the alternative, sitting at home, alone and miserable, thinking about what I’d lost, seemed so much worse.
No, in that case, I wanted to stay here, maybe have another beer.
I had more beer. Another and another and another. I liked the feeling that came with it. I couldn’t feel my body anymore. When I walked, my legs did their thing, and I was just along for the ride. I felt light and airy, and for my size and build, that was a big deal. And my head swam in a nice way. Nothing that bothered me before was so serious now, and the alcohol surged in my veins, making me happy. Sort of.
I still had Sadie on my mind. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to be with her. I knew I was drunk, and drunk dials were never a good idea. But I didn’t exactly know how to stop myself, and right then, trying to call her again sounded like a great idea.
When the phone starting ringing, I was hopeful. She hadn’t answered before, so I was already creating a message to leave in her voice mailbox when she answered.
“Sadie?” I asked, not sure if it was her, or if the machine sounded very lifelike.
“Brian,” she said. “Where are you? It’s so loud.”
“Just hang on a moment,” I said, making my way out of the house, getting away from the music. I stood in the garden, far enough that music was just a dull thud in the background. There were a few people around me, people making out in the dark and one guy just lying on the grass, eyes closed. I wasn’t sure if he was passed out.
“Is that better?” I asked.
“Yeah. Are you at a party?”
I groaned. “You could call it that. It’s fucking terrible, though.” I put my hand over my mouth, realizing I’d cussed. “Sorry.”
“Why are you calling me?” she asked, and I could hear exasperation in her voice.
“I just wanted to hear your voice,” I said. “I know you want me to leave you alone, and I will. I just, well I’m not really doing that, am I?” I sighed. “Sorry.”
“You keep apologizing,” she said.
I shrugged. “Yeah. I have a lot to be sorry for.”
“Like what?” she asked.
I groaned. God, where did I start? I was sorry for everything that had happened between us, everything that I couldn’t do to help her. I didn’t say that.
“For bugging you the whole time,” I said.
She hesitated a moment. “You’re not bugging me,” she said.
“But you don’t want it. Whatever you want to call it.”
My head spun slowly, the garden turning around me. I sat down on the grass. The grass was clammy, and I knew it would soak through my pants. I didn’t really care.
“I didn’t say that, Brian,” she said. “I just said I couldn’t do it.”
I frowned. “Why are you being so nice to me now?” I asked.
“How much have you had to drink?” she asked.
Not nearly enough, I thought. I counted on my fingers.
“Five, I think,” I said. “But I’m fine. I’m just a little unbalanced, but it’s no big deal.”
She chuckled. “The last time you said something was no big deal my picture was posted all over the internet.”
Really?
“But I meant it,” I said. “It should have been no big deal. I didn’t want that for you.”
She hesitated again. “I know,” she said.
“I’m think I should go,” I said. “I need to go home and sleep it off, I think.”
I got up, using one hand to push off the grass, and I lost my balance, falling to my knees again. I grunted and finally got up.
“You’re not driving, are you?” she asked.
“I’ll be fine,” I said. I turned around. I couldn’t remember where I parked my car. I didn’t remember coming in one, actually.
“You’re not driving, Brian,” Sadie said, and it wasn’t a question this time.
“I don’t think my car is here anyway,” I said. “I’m planning to call a Lyft.”
I patted my pockets. “Apparently my wallet isn’t here either.”
Shit, did I lose it somewhere? I didn’t usually drink, so this was a lot for me.
I sighed. “Can you come get me?” I knew I was pushing it. I was asking a lot from someone who asked me to leave her alone. “Just to drop me home. You can totally say no. I can get a lift from someone I think.” I glanced toward the house. Everyone was drunk in there. I didn’t think I would get a lift from anyone here and arrive home in one piece.
“I’m on my way,” she said, even though I expected her to tell me to piss off. “Where are you?”
I tried to explain to her and had to repeat myself three times. Maybe I wasn’t as straightforward about it as I thought.
“I’ll be there in a bit,” she said when she finally had it down. “Don’t do anything stupid while you wait.” She hung up.
“Sadie?” I asked into the phone, realized she had hung up. I stared at the screen. What counted as stupid? Drink more? Because I wanted to do that.
I went inside and order another beer.
I would only drink until she arrived. Whatever was left, I would leave, I promised myself. It was like food for the road or something.
Even in my inebriated state, I was nervous about seeing Sadie again. Alcohol couldn’t dull the thudding of my heart when I thought about getting to be with her again.
Chapter 22 – Brian
A car pulled up in front of the house a short while later. I sat on the porch steps, sucking on the bottle of beer I’d found. When she waved at me, her raven hair falling over her shoulder, I got up. Instead of leaving the beer like I’d vowed I would, I downed it, pouring the remainder into my gut.
Waste not, want not, right?
I threw the bottle to the side for someone else to pick up in the morning and walked toward the car, trying to look upright and sober.
When I got into the car, she glanced sideways at me.
“Thank you,” I said.
“More alcohol?” she asked.
I nodded. I wasn’t going to lie to her. “Sometimes a guy just needs to forget.”
I realized what I’d said and clapped my hand over my mouth again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. About forgetting, I mean.”
She shrugged, and I couldn’t read her expression. “It’s fine,” she said. “Your place?”
I nodded, and she pulled off.
“Thank you for picking me up,” I said. “You’re really nice.”
“I just didn’t want something to happen to you. Trust me, I know all about accidents and blood alcohol levels.”
“Right. We were drunk that night. God, I should have made you stop drinking. I just wanted you to have fun. We’d been talking about doing it for so long, and we were both so nervous, the alcohol helped.”
I stopped, realizing what I was saying.
Her hands were both on the steering wheel, gripping so hard her knuckles were white.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m being an idiot. I shouldn’t talk about that stuff. I’m just glad you came to get me.”
She shook her head. I took a deep breath and looked out of the window.
“I loved you so much,�
�� I said.
I couldn’t help myself. The words were just falling out of my mouth. “I still do, you know? You’re still so much the same person you were back then. You just don’t see it. Everything I fell in love with is still there. And I don’t even care that you don’t remember, because I do. I remember how perfect you were, and I still see it in you, hiding behind you being so careful now.”
“Brian,” she said, but I couldn’t stop.
“I’m not trying to push you into anything. We can just be friends. I will be anything with you if it means you’re still in my life. God, I’ll wait forever for you, if that’s what it takes. I don’t want to lose you, and having you as a friend is better than not having you at all. The last five years without you have been so fucking empty. Sorry, I’m swearing.”
I knew I was rambling. I was pretty sure I was saying things I shouldn’t have said, too, but I didn’t know how to stop myself. My emotions were raw, falling into my lap, plain for her to see.
She was quiet. I glanced at her. Her face lit up with passing streetlights as we drove, her dark hair hung over her shoulders, and her lashes were impossibly long.
“God, you’re so beautiful,” I said. “You were a stunner at school. The cheerleader that everyone wanted, and you wanted me. And now? You’ve grown even more beautiful. You’re a fucking goddess now.”
I was swearing too much. When I looked at her, her face showed nothing. She didn’t say anything.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know I’m fucking up. I just can’t help it. Whenever I’m around you, I forget everything, and the only thing that matters is you. It sucks that I found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and she forgot all about me.”
Sadie stopped in front of my gate, and I pressed the button to open it. She drove in and parked in front of the front door.
“Thank you so much,” I said. “For driving me.”
I opened the door. I wasn’t going to ask her in. I was going to be a good guy and let her go.