by Nicole Dykes
She laughs, coldly. “Oh my God, can you say ‘hypocrite’?”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I mean that is exactly what you have done to every single girl you have ever met. You are exactly like Brent, and you’re standing here telling me to stay away from him.”
“I am nothing like him.”
“Please. You are exactly like him, well the way he used to be. He’s changed.”
“Really? So what you’re going to marry him now?”
“Well, not yet of course, but someday. We’re in love.”
“He said that? Because that’s not what I heard down there.”
“That’s none of your business.”
“Okay, that’s enough.” We both turn to see Brooke in the doorway, “This is getting us nowhere. Right now everyone’s too upset, and things are going to be said that can’t be taken back. Alex will be here soon, so we need to get ready to make dinner.” She turns to head to the living room, and of course since it’s Brooke, we both follow.
“Luke, what are you doing home?” Dylan finally asks once we’re all seated. It’s forced, I know what he’s really thinking about. The incident with Cassie is taking over all of our minds.
Brooke brings me a bag of frozen peas to put on my right hand when she sees me shaking it. Now that the adrenaline is draining, it’s beginning to ache from the damage I put on Brent’s face. I have no idea how I’m going to explain a fucked-up hand that shouts that I was in a fight, and fighting is a definite “no, no.” Oddly, I don’t care as much as I should about having to explain it.
“I don’t know. It’s been a while since I’ve been home, so I thought I would see how you all were doing.” I glare over at Cassie for the awesome homecoming so far.
“You’re in luck, Brooke is preparing a feast.”
“I thought you all were going out tonight?” Cassie pouts from the corner of the couch.
“Is that why you thought it was okay to bring that punk into my house?”
“Dylan, not right now.” Brooke says in a warning voice.
Tired of the tension, I laugh, “I’m glad she’s cooking. I’m starving.”
I’m filling them in on my life at K-State when Alex, Brooke’s best friend, walks in carrying grocery bags from the City Market in Kansas City. After unloading them in the kitchen, she gives me a hug and then pulls back, “I swear Luke, you get bigger every time I see you.” She runs her fingers through my hair, “It’s time for a trim.”
This is not weird, don’t worry. Alex is a hair stylist and a damn good one. “Nah, I like it shaggy.”
She pouts for a second and then smiles, “Not too shaggy, I hope. But this look does work for you.”
Dylan laughs and rubs the dark five o’clock shadow that I keep because I hate having to shave every day, “You’re even getting a little bit of scruff, kid.”
Jax examines my face, “Oh yeah, I think I see one hair.”
“Hilarious. Really, this shit is why I never come home.”
The earlier drama is set aside for the moment, and we all have a good laugh. Dylan and Brooke fix dinner together while Jax and I discuss what’s going on at the shop. It only makes me want to be working there even more. While we eat dinner, we continue catching up on everyone’s life. I just wish Michael and Gabby would have been here instead of at sleepovers with their friends.
Dylan and Brooke are busy planning their May wedding. Alex’s salon is, of course, a success and she is dating some boring suit, according to Jax. And Jax is still Jax, thank God. Michael, I find out has a girlfriend in his class. Fortunately, Gabby still thinks boys are gross. Cassie pretty much stays quiet the entire time, probably still pissed about what happened earlier.
After dinner, Alex goes home and Jax and Dylan head out to the garage. Cassie goes to her room after Dylan makes her hand over her phone. I follow Brooke to the kitchen to help her clean, plus I need some Brooke time.
She hands me a large pan to rinse after she washes it. “Thank you for helping me. You really don’t have to.”
“I wanted to.”
She sees right through me, “Okay, so why are you really home.”
“Can’t a guy just want to see his family?”
“He can, but it’s a little unusual and out of the blue.”
“I don’t know. I guess as crazy as it sounds, this place makes sense to me.”
She nods like she knows exactly what that means. Knowing Brooke, she actually does. “Well, that’s good. It’s your safe zone. Is something wrong at school?”
I shrug and dry the pan. “Not really. I just…it’s nothing. I’m just happy to be home for a night. That’s all.”
She smiles and thankfully, leaves it at that. “It’s good to have you home.”
“Brooke?”
“Yes?”
“What happened with Cassie and Austin?”
She smiles, “They’re young. Cassie is probably going to date a lot of guys before she finds the right one.”
I scoff. “Yeah, well she needs to move the fuck on from Brent.”
She shakes her head, frowning, “Things are going to be really tense around here for a while. I just can’t imagine what she was thinking. She has to know guys like him aren’t good for her, and you can bet I’m going to do everything I can to get her to see that he’s not the right guy for her.”
“Yeah.”
After the dishes are done, I wander out to the big detached garage where all the fun stuff under the hoods of all our rides happens. Dylan is playing under the hood of his car. “Where’s Jax?”
“He had to get home.”
I walk closer to him, and he grins at me, “So what’s up?”
“Not much, like I said just haven’t been home for a while.”
“Uh huh.”
Brooke is really rubbing off on him, “Do you remember Hannah Martin?”
He thinks about it. “Your friend from down the street? The preacher’s daughter?”
I nod, “Yeah, that’s her.”
“Yeah, I do, how could I forget her? You guys were attached at the hip for years. What happened to her?”
“She moved to Texas with her family around the same time you took off on us.” I mean that to be light, but it comes out bitter. Dylan had a lot of shit going on with our dad when I was thirteen, really his whole life. And it led to him not calling or visiting until our dad and my mom were killed in the accident.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah, no big deal. I mean we were kids. But turns out, she goes to K-State.”
“Well, that’s cool. Five years later.”
“Yeah, but she wants nothing to do with me.”
“Uh oh, what did you do to her?”
“Nothing. I don’t think. She just says that we’re too different and she doesn’t want to get to know me.”
“Ouch, that’s fucking cold, considering how close you two were.”
“Yeah. I just don’t get it, and it’s driving me fucking crazy.”
He shrugs, “Well, there’s plenty of other girls at college. I’m sure you don’t have a problem in that department.”
“It’s not like that, I just…, we were best friends. I always wondered what happened to her, and now she won’t even fucking talk to me.”
“Well, people grow up and grow apart. I mean it sucks, but it’s kind of a fact of life. Maybe she’s right and you’re too different now. A lot can happen in five years.”
“You’re probably right. I just need to let it go.” Even as I say it, I don’t think I can just let it go.
“So how is everything else going? The team ready for spring football?”
“Yeah, we’re ready. Classes are great.” Lie.
“You staying the night?”
“Yeah, but I gotta get up early. We have practice at ten o’clock in the morning, so I have to be out of here by six o’clock at the very latest, tomorrow morning.”
“Shi
t. You are dedicated.” He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes, “I’m proud of you.”
Well, that’s great. Just another person to let down if I fuck it all up.
Chapter 4
Hannah
I walk into the two-bedroom suite in Ford Hall I share with my friend, Rachel. After some mix up with our housing assignment, we somehow managed this pretty cool suite. Of course, it probably helped that her father is wealthy and no doubt “persuaded” whoever it is that runs the housing department at K-State to come up with a favorable solution for his daughter and her friend. We’ve just returned from Sunday church service. This is the only service I never miss because Hale Library is closed Sunday mornings and I don’t work until one o’clock. I kick my shoes off and tuck my legs underneath me while I rest a minute on my couch. Sleep has not been my friend, nor have I been able to focus on anything, since finally coming in contact with Lucas for the first time in three years. I knew he went to school here, I mean who doesn’t. Somehow, I had managed to avoid him the entire first semester of college.
It’s hard to miss the articles and pictures in sports magazines and newspapers. Since I work in the campus library, the periodicals are always at hand. But even watching television isn’t safe. The sports news mentions him at least once a week, every day during football season. Unfortunately, seeing him in print in no way prepared me for seeing him in person. He’s grown so much since the last time I saw him. He towers over me. And staying in shape for football has benefited him in all the best ways. He’s always been good looking, I’m not blind or stupid, but we were practically kids the last time I saw him, and now there is no shred of “kid” left. Lucas Monroe is all man. This is why I need to distance myself from him even more.
I’m doing well, I mean really well. Attending K-State has always been my dream, and I worked so hard to make it come true. I remember spending a lot of time with Lucas growing up, talking about going here one day. I was going to go here to be a psychiatrist, and he was going to be a star football player to make his father proud. At least one of us followed our dream at college. I’m at the college I want to be at, but my father does not approve of psychiatry. He believes that if you have a problem, you should go to your church’s minister. So for now, I am just undecided on my major. I’m really lucky I got to go to college at all. My father is old school and believes that women shouldn’t work outside the home. According to him, a woman’s role in life should be serving the Lord and her husband.
I need more and that led me to work hard in high school and apply to K-State behind his back. Receiving a full-ride academic scholarship meant he couldn’t tell me “no” because I’m an adult now. That’s not to say he’s not happy and loves to remind me often of my foolishness. According to him, I should be finding that nice Christian boy I plan to marry and settling down.
I sit on the couch and my roommate, Rachel, sits next to me, straightening out her blue dress. “Is something wrong? You haven’t been yourself lately. It was a beautiful sermon today, and you just seemed out of it.”
How do I explain Rachel? Well, after my parents moved me from my hometown and everything I knew, I went a little wild. Okay, I went insane and acted out in ways I still can’t believe I did at 13 years old. I hated the world at the time. I wanted to go back to Kansas, my old house, everything I knew and, of course, Lucas. I rebelled hard for two years and well then, something happened that changed my life, and there was no way I could continue the destructive path I was on.
My dad knew Rachel’s dad from church and suggested we spend time together. His exact words were, “Maybe she can teach you how to be a lady.” Rachel is unlike anyone I’ve ever known. She doesn’t curse. She doesn’t seem to lust. I swear she avoids sin at all costs. I don’t know how she does it, but she keeps me on the straight and narrow (for the most part). So for the last three years, my world has been studying, working, and church. I call her my conscience behind her back, but she probably wouldn’t find that too funny. Honestly, Rachel doesn’t find much of anything funny.
I smile reassuringly, “No, I’m fine.”
She examines my face, “Hannah, I know when something is wrong with you.” Obviously my reassuring smile isn’t successful.
“It’s really nothing. I just kind of ran into someone from my past.”
“Oh no, that’s not good news Hannah. I know all about your past.”
She doesn’t know everything, not even close.
“It’s no big deal, he was my childhood friend from Overland Park, and I hadn’t seen him since I moved. I guess it was a shock.”
“Well, I hope that will be the end of that, then.”
I stare off into space. Rachel doesn’t even know the half of my past, and she knows nothing about Lucas. She would not approve of me reestablishing a friendship with him. And I don’t think I can handle it either.
“Yeah, don’t worry about it, it was nothing.” I stand, “I’m going to go change for work.”
She stays seated on the couch, and I go into my room to strip off my conservative dress and pantyhose. I change into a t-shirt and jeans then reach under the edge of my bed for my boots. My hand brushes the small box that I keep hidden under it. I open it up and pull out my favorite picture. It was taken in the summer, just a week before I moved away. I’m wearing my favorite St. Louis Cardinals tank top and shorts. Lucas hated it since he’s a die-hard Royals fan. I remember his mom, Sylvia, who I absolutely adored, took the picture in their back yard.
His parents threw a barbecue every summer, right before school started. My parents never went because my dad never liked the Monroes. But I was always there. I spent more time at the Monroe house than I did my own, it was always so easy and happy there. Lucas sent me a copy of this picture the first week I was in Texas along with just a few written lines:
Hannah,
It’s a decent picture, except for the god-awful shirt. Just don’t become a Rangers fan okay? Take it easy.
Luke
I smile as I read the note to myself again. I cried for an hour after receiving it because I missed him so much. I thought I would never be able to move on, but of course I did. Everyone does eventually, right? It was just too bad that my moving on led me to rebel by sneaking out of the house, hanging out with an older, harder crowd that got me into smoking and drinking. I made a lot of stupid decisions.
I return the note and the picture back in the box along with movie ticket stubs and other reminders of that life. They lay neatly on top of a pile of letters that used to make me sad and happy all at the same time. Lucas could always make me laugh, especially when he was begging me not to get us into trouble again. As crazy at it is, I used to be the one that pushed the boundaries for us. Underneath the happy letters are the letters from three years ago that I never opened. Receiving them in the mail would gut me, so I knew reading them would kill me. Replacing the lid, I push the box back under my bed.
My phone rings and shakes me from my short trip down memory lane.
I walk over to my dresser and answer it and see, MOM, on the screen.
“Hello.”
“Hannah? Hi, how was the church service today?”
“It was a beautiful sermon.” I can’t even recall what it was about.
“Well that’s good, you should have heard your father’s sermon today. It was a wonderful message about being a good wife.”
I roll my eyes. Really, I love both of my parents, but it baffles me how my mother can think that her only purpose in this world is to be a good wife to her husband. And by that, I mean keeping his house and raising his children exactly how he expects it to be done. I’ve always wondered if she ever had any of her own hopes and dreams.
I try to return her enthusiasm, “Sounds lovely mom, and I would love to hear all about it. But I’m sorry I can't right now. I have to get to work. Tell dad and the kids ‘hi.’”
“Oh Hannah, you know this is the Lord’s day. You shouldn’t be working. Today would be a perfect day f
or Rachel and you to spend it praising Him.”
“I know, mom. But I have to work for spending money. Please, try and understand and not judge me for this. I love you.”
She sighs on her end of the line, “I love you too, daughter. I’ll be praying for you.”
“Thank you.”
I don’t give her a chance to go into all the things she’s going to pray for me about. I hang up and leave my room calling out a farewell to Rachel. It’s a cold day which makes the short walk from my dorm to the library a little uncomfortable. Coming from the warmer Texas winters has taken some time to reacclimate to the colder Kansas winters. I really didn’t have the money before leaving home to build up my wardrobe. One thing I wish I would have splurged on was a heavier coat. For the millionth time, I wish for spring to hurry up and show itself.
When I see the front of the library, I pick up the pace to escape the biting wind. I look around to see if there is any sign of Lucas. But then again, why would he return, especially after our interaction yesterday? He was so angry with me, and I could tell he’s disappointed in the person I’ve become. I blink back the burn of impending tears at that thought.
A part of me shares the same disappointment.
Chapter 5
Luke
“Luke, are you awake?” It’s Saturday morning, one week after my argument with Hannah and my, oh so happy visit, with the family. I’m lying flat on my back in my dorm room, butt-naked, and trying like hell to ignore the claws raking over my abdomen and traveling lower. I can’t even remember the name of the naked girl draped over me. It starts with a “C”, I think. Christy, Cara… Shit, I don’t know. Why does it matter anyway? Last night wasn’t a great night for me judging by how annoying this chick’s voice sounds when alcohol isn’t involved. Now I’m scared to open my eyes to see who, or what, I fucked last night. Maybe if I don’t say anything and just keep my eyes closed, she will just go away.
Things didn’t really get better after visiting my family, and then obsessing all week about what the hell happened to Hannah. It was starting to freak me the hell out. I don’t understand how the girl who used to spend every waking minute with me looking for trouble can’t stand to be around me for five damn seconds. The first two years after she moved, we wrote each other nearly every day. Then when she showed back up in Overland Park three years ago, I was so happy to see her, even if it was for just a few hours. The next day, she was gone and a ghost afterward. I wrote letter after letter and got nothing. Then Dylan cut ties with us out of nowhere and I needed my best friend, someone to talk to. She knew how much I idolized my big brother, and only she would understand how much his checking out would hurt me.