by Nicole Dykes
“No, that’s okay.”
She turns and walks into the old building, and I follow her. I don’t want tonight to end like this.
She walks hurriedly up the stairs, and I follow her up the three flights of stairs, “Will you please talk to me for a minute?”
“There isn’t anything to talk about. I answered your question.”
“Right, but now you seem to be upset.”
“I’m not.” We reach her room. She unlocks the door and cracks it open, “Okay, well you walked me up to my room. I’m fine, but I need to get to sleep so I can make it to church tomorrow.”
She walks into her room and I follow, like a fucking stalker. But I can’t leave it like this. “Hannah, just talk to me.”
She groans and throws her hands up in the air, “You just don’t get it.”
“So, help me.”
“No, look, I’m just tired and emotional from going back to Overland Park and being at a wedding. I’ll be fine.”
I walk closer to her, which is dangerous, “Stop saying you are fine. I’ve known you since you were five. You aren’t fine, you’re pissed.”
Another tear rolls down her cheek. Hannah never used to cry, until I fucked everything up.
I wipe the tear away with my hand, “What did I say?”
“Did you just lose all attraction to me?”
“What?”
“When I told you that I was pregnant, and I lost the baby, did you just lose the attraction you felt for me? I mean you were attracted to me when I visited when we were fifteen, and you were attracted to me here at college. Then after I told you my secret, you just want to be friends again. So, am I just damaged goods to you?”
Is she kidding? This has to be a joke. Hannah is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, inside and out. And she thinks I’m not attracted to her because she was pregnant? “Damaged goods? No. That’s insane, Hannah. It’s not that I have lost attraction to you. I want you so fucking bad I can’t stand it, but I can’t lose you again.”
She lowers her head again.
She’s retreating.
I move even closer, our bodies almost touching and lift her chin so her eyes meet mine, “You are beautiful, sweet, funny, and kind. There isn’t a guy on this planet that wouldn’t be attracted to you.”
“But, you don’t want me.”
This is so messed up. I don’t know what the fuck to do. Of course, I want her. My body is screaming at me, but my fucking brain is working overtime to stop me. If we sleep together, even if we try a real relationship with labels, it will eventually get fucked up, and I will never see her again if it goes south.
I finally have her back in my life, as painful and awkward as it is, she’s here.
But God, her lips are calling to me, those perfect lips. I start to move to kiss them when I see Hannah’s body moving toward mine.
My heartbeat picks up and before our lips touch, I stop it. I lean my forehead to hers and move my body back, “I can’t do this, Hannah.”
Her forehead still touching mine, she closes her eyes, “I know. You should go, I have to go to sleep.”
I nod my head slowly, rubbing it against hers, not wanting to leave. Never wanting to leave, but I do. I slowly pull away and walk out of her dorm room.
Please let us get past this.
Chapter 37
Hannah
It’s been almost a week since the wedding and I haven’t seen Luke once. I texted with him a couple of times and made up excuses as to why I couldn’t hang out, but I needed a time-out after that night in my room.
No, I’m not pushing him away, I still need him in my life.
I’m addicted to him.
I’m walking to his dorm at this very moment, because the athletic dorms are closing for six weeks and I’m going to say goodbye.
I walk up to his floor and see that his door is open. I knock quietly and walk in.
Cameron, Vanessa, Hunter, and Luke are all in the living room, surrounded by bags and boxes.
Vanessa jumps up from couch, “Hannah! Can you believe these losers are leaving town?”
I shake my head. No, I really can’t.
Luke will be gone for six weeks and I have no idea how I feel about that. Part of me wishes I wouldn’t have missed this last week with him. “I know, it’s crazy.”
She’s moving into a temporary dorm in the same building as me until this one opens back up, since she is taking summer classes. So, at least I will have Vanessa. “Yeah, but oh well, we will just have to find something to occupy our time.”
Cameron walks over and wraps his arms around her waist, “As long as it’s not someone, I’m good with that.”
He smacks her butt and walks into the kitchen area to get a drink. I roll my eyes at his misogynistic behavior, but smile because he’s starting to really grow on me, too.
We all sit around just talking and hanging out for a little while before the guys load up their cars and we say our official goodbyes.
After Luke says goodbye to everyone else, I walk with him to his car, “Well, have a safe trip home, I’m sure you are going to have a wonderful summer break.”
“I hope you have fun too. I’ll call you and I hope you’ll answer.”
I give him a small smile, “Of course I will, or I’ll call you back if I’m at work or church.”
My summer schedule is still pretty busy, and I start classes on Monday.
He pulls me in for a hug that’s more suited for brother and sister than ex-lovers or whatever we were, no intimacy or closeness. And then he is gone.
As the guys all pull out of the dorm parking lot, Vanessa walks over to me and puts her arm over my shoulder, “Well, what should we do now?”
I feel so lost. “I don’t know.”
“Let’s go see a movie, that’ll keep our minds off of our guys being gone.”
I don’t tell her that Lucas isn’t my “guy,” She has probably picked up on the fact that I want him to be and it’s pathetic. But she’s already a good friend and doesn’t make me talk about it.
“A movie sounds great.”
Luke sent me a message to let me know he was back in Overland Park and that he was actually working at the garage that night.
I’m so happy he gets to follow his dream for a little over a month at least, but I do wonder why he doesn’t just take the final leap and stay there permanently.
Not that I would want that.
Right?
I honestly have no clue what I want anymore. I want him, but he has made it painfully clear that he doesn’t want me anymore. It is excruciating to be near him and not being able to touch him, kiss him, or have him hold me. It just isn’t fair.
But I do love to talk to him still, hear his stories, tell him mine. I want to hear all about the dirt bikes he has been working on and his family, but I’m terrified of the other things he won’t tell me about.
Like the women I’m sure are falling all over themselves to get to him now that he is back in town with no girlfriend or commitment here.
That thought guts me.
Let’s be honest here, Luke is a gorgeous, nineteen year-old guy. He is going to be with someone else, if he hasn’t been already.
I think back to the wedding and my conversation with Alex. I need to take the time to focus on who I am, who I want to be.
I am going to have fun, if it kills me.
Chapter 38
Luke
I’ve been home for two weeks now and of course it’s been a lot of fun for me. It feels so natural to come home and take over this role, working nonstop, trying to get as much done as I can.
I’ve texted, called, and video chatted with Hannah quite a bit since I’ve been here too. So, at least she didn’t cut off contact.
The last week I was there, I will admit I was a little afraid she would. I messed things up again in her room. I can’t believe I almost kissed her, but we’ve already established that I’m a dumbass when it comes to Hannah.
She seems to
have forgiven me for it though, and seems really happy every time I’ve talked to her. She’s been spending most of her free time with Vanessa, which is really great. Maybe she can show her what an actual girlfriend is, because her friendship with Rachel is as screwed up as they come.
I miss her every damn day, though. I wake up with thoughts of Hannah in my head and wonder what she’s doing.
But I’ve kept myself busy, really fucking busy.
I’m staying in my old room at Dylan’s house. Brooke and Dylan are physically back from their honeymoon, but they are definitely still in honeymoon phase. And I make sure to be careful before I walk into Dylan’s office, the garage, the kitchen—pretty much anywhere.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, but seriously, it’s a lot.
I’m sketching in my office when Jax walks in, without knocking, but that’s just Jax.
“Hey, I’m running out to get lunch, you want anything?”
I don’t look up from the sketch in front of me, “Nah, I’m good.”
“You have to eat.”
“I’m good, mom.”
I don’t have to see him to know he’s flipping me off, “I’m getting you a sandwich and you’re going to eat it.”
I guess I haven’t done much, but be here at the shop, working day and night. I only have six weeks off, I have to make the most of it. I need to.
“Thanks, Jax.”
He leaves my office and I continue my work and then there is a knock on my door.
Shit. Just let me fucking work, “Jax, I don’t care what kind of sandwich you get.”
“Is Jax the sexy guy that just walked by me?”
I look up from my desk at that voice, Mary. We dated briefly in high school, “What are you doing here?”
She folds her arms, clearly upset that I’m not bouncing up and down to greet her, “Jesus, Luke, you could act a little happy to see me.”
I’m not, not even a little bit. “Why?”
She pokes her bottom lip out, pouting and slides over to my desk. “I heard you were back in town. I’m home for the summer and I thought we could hang out.”
Right. I scan her body, she’s in a short summer dress, leaving nothing to the imagination. “I’m busy.”
She leans on the desk, trying to be sexy, to entice me. What the fuck is wrong with me. She’s easy, she’s hot, and there is nothing complicated about Mary. But my body and brain are in total agreement, I want nothing to do with her.
Because she’s isn’t Hannah.
“Luke, come on, it’s summer. Let’s have a little fun.”
“I’m sure you can find someone to have fun with, but it isn’t me.”
She stands up straight, arms folded tightly again, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
I don’t have time for this, “Nope, I’m busy. See ya around.”
She leaves in a huff, muttering, “Asshole.”
Nothing I haven’t heard before. That’s me, Lucas Monroe, total asshole.
The next week, I continue to throw myself into work. The end of my summer is approaching quickly. I’ve painted so many bikes over the last three weeks I can’t keep track of them.
I park my car in the driveway at Dylan and Brooke’s house and walk into the house quietly, It’s almost midnight and I just left the shop.
I walk into the kitchen and Dylan is sitting at the table, eating leftover dessert from dinner, I’m assuming.
He looks over at me, “You hungry? Brooke left you a plate in the fridge.”
I walk to the fridge and pull out the plate filled with pot-roast and vegetables. Damn, she’s awesome.
After I heat it up I join Dylan at the table, “What are you doing up so late? Don’t you and the missus have a ten o’clock bedtime?”
“Keep it up Luke, I’ll kick your ass out.”
I chuckle, “I’ll just move into Jax’s bachelor pad with him. Less noise.”
“You’d miss us.”
I would.
“Even though you’re never here anyway.”
“You work a lot too. And Jax’s place isn’t that far. Manhattan is a lot further.”
He finishes off the last bit of pie, “So, are you still going back there in a few weeks?”
“Of course I am. I have three more years.”
“Ah, yeah, gotta finish out the sentence.”
I don’t want to talk about this. Shocker right? “I’m here now, I’m happy now, no reason to think about the fact that I’m out of here in a few weeks.”
He stands up, obviously disappointed in me. Well, take a fucking number.
“I’m going to bed, see you tomorrow. Shriller is stopping by.”
“Yeah I know. He wants to check on the progress of his bike.”
“Well hopefully, it can be finished in the next three weeks.”
“It’ll be done.”
Three more weeks. That’s all I get until winter break. When I probably won’t have time to work on anything.
Just make the best out of this time.
Chapter 39
Luke
I get out of the shower in the bathroom I share with Cassie, and towel off.
One week left.
That’s it. Just one week until I have to go back to two-a-day football practices, to get ready for the fall.
I talked to Hunter on the phone yesterday. The guy is so fucking pumped to be going back. It’s crazy how different we are.
I hear a pounding on the door, “Luke, get out! What the hell are doing in there that’s taking so long?”
I really hate sharing this bathroom with Cassie, even for six weeks. It’s fucking torture. “Cass, I’ve been in here for ten fucking minutes, I’ll be out in a minute!”
“No, it’s been longer than that! I have to get ready for work!”
Cassie is working at a local coffee shop this summer. It’s close to the garage, so Dylan is happy that he can keep an eye on her.
I wrap the towel around my waist and walk out of the bathroom. The girl will not give up until I’m out, “There you go, princess.”
She glares at me, “God, Luke why can’t you just get your own place, or go back to Manhattan already?”
I’ll be gone next week.
“Just go get ready for your ‘oh-so-important’ job.”
Dylan saunters down the stairs and joins us in front of the bathroom, “What the hell are you two doing? I can hear you upstairs.”
Cassie whines as usual, “Luke spent forever in the bathroom, and he’s going to make me late for work.”
I turn to Dylan, who looks half irritated and half amused, it’s an odd combination, “Well, it looks like it’s open now. Get in there.”
She huffs. Not exactly sure what she thought he was going to do, ground me? She walks into the bathroom and slams the door.
Dylan casually heads back to the stairs, “Get your ass ready. Brooke made a hell of a breakfast.”
I grin and walk to my room to get dressed. I am definitely going to miss Brooke’s cooking, It’s a wonder that we aren’t all three hundred pounds.
After breakfast, I drive to the garage and keep myself busy all day long at work. When I’m about to close up and go home, I get a video call from Hannah on my cell phone.
I answer it, with way too much excitement. I hit the answer button, and I see Hannah’s gorgeous face on my screen.
“Hey.”
She grins happily and waves at me, looks like she is walking on campus, “Hi, Luke, how have you been?”
“Good, busy. You?”
“Same. Walking back from the library now and thought I would give you a call. It’s been a week since we’ve talked.”
I’m well aware of how long it’s been since we’ve talked. Actually, it’s been eight days, but who the hell is counting.
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry about that, work has been crazy.”
And I’ve been trying to keep my mind off of a lot of things.
“Show me.”
A slow
grin forms on my face. God, I miss her.
I stand up and walk over to the bike I just finished today for one of Shriller’s friends. It’s got a purple and black theme to it, and I know Hannah’s favorite color is dark purple. I point the phone’s camera toward the bike, “This is one I’ve been working on since I got here.”
“Wow, that’s beautiful. You know, they are just going to dirty it up on the track right?”
I turn the camera back to focus on me, “Yeah, but they assure me they will clean it up right after.”
She laughs, and I watch as she sits on the steps at what I’m assuming is her dorm, “You must be having so much fun.”
I shrug, “I am, but it’s almost over.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“Hannah...”
She interrupts, “I know, trust me I do. I’m sure you’ve been thinking about nothing else.” Not true, I also think about you.
She continues, “But I’ve been thinking a lot about it too. You deserve to be happy, and that makes you so happy. I hate watching you trapped here.”
“Well, at least I have you there and my other friends.”
Her face drops slightly when I say that, “You will always have your good buddy, Hannah, no matter where you are. We’ve kept in touch since you’ve been in KC. It’s only two hours away.”
She sounds almost bitter when she says the word, “buddy.” I’ve never called her buddy, so I don’t know why she chose that word anyway.
She looks troubled, “Oh no, I have to go. Rachel is calling me. Just think about it okay?”
“Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Say hi to Rachel for me.”
She just shakes her head smiling. We both know she isn’t going to do that. She hangs up, and I close up the garage and go back to the house.
The rest of the week I think about Hannah and going back to Manhattan non-stop. I’m happy to be going back to be near her, even though I can’t really have her, and I’m happy to see Hunter and Cam again.
The thought of playing football another season, and enduring boring-ass, dragging lectures, stuck inside, is looming the back of my mind. Every time I try to enjoy doing my job or spending time with my family, I flash forward to coaches screaming in my face, curfews, and the fucking statistics class I’m enrolled in.