by Karen Osman
‘It’s beautiful,’ she said, tears sliding down her face. Mistaking them for happiness, he kissed them away while their daughters danced around them.
*
Kate sank into the sofa gratefully. After presenting her with his gift, her husband had left for work, and she had dropped off her elder daughter at school and her younger at a play date before coming home. The ring sparkled on her left finger, its single diamond stunning in its beauty. Kate had never been one for jewellery but she had to admit her husband had good taste. It was exactly what she would have chosen for herself. How could she have forgotten that he knew her so well? On her way in and having gathered up the post, which had been delivered by the regular postman, Kate began to idly sort through it. Most of it was bills, but then she came to one envelope that was handwritten and addressed to her. She felt her heart go cold. Don’t be silly, she admonished herself. It’s probably just a letter from her mother. Yet, Kate knew her mother’s handwriting and it wasn’t this. Opening the envelope, Kate slowly pulled out a Valentine’s card, which contained just one single sentence on the inside.
‘Happy Valentine’s Day Mrs Robinson.’
Kate cried out and dropped the card, disbelief and hysteria welling up in her that he would do something so visibly threatening to her marriage. As she stood up, she knocked the cup of tea from the arm of the sofa, but her only thought was to get the card out of her home as soon as she could. Grabbing her keys and purse, Kate ran out of the flat to the large rubbish bins and started ripping the cards into shreds, letting the pieces fall where they belonged.
*
‘And how long have you been feeling like this?’ asked the doctor, busy sorting out the papers on her desk.
‘A few months,’ replied Kate vaguely. ‘It’s just the sleep, really. If you could give me something to help with that, I’ll be on my way. I can see you’re busy…’ She trailed off. The din in the waiting room hadn’t receded. If anything, it had become worse. There must have been at least twenty people in there and the cries of children as they got fed up of waiting started to claw at Kate’s nerves. After a delay of two hours, she had finally been called into the doctor’s office. All she wanted was to sleep but at night she tossed and turned, only drifting off in the early hours of the morning. It had become a lot worse since she received the Valentine’s card and Kate wasn’t sure how much longer she could carry on.
‘How’s your eating? Have you noticed any increase or decrease in your appetite?’
‘No, not really,’ replied Kate, wanting to get back to the issue of sleep. In fact, she had lost weight. She’d had to use a belt on her jeans just that morning.
‘Is there a particular event or incident that may have led to you feeling like this?’
‘No. As I mentioned, it’s just the sleep really. If I could just get into bed and fall asleep and stay asleep, I’m sure I’d feel much better. Is there anything you can give me for that?’
For the first time during the whole conversation, the doctor looked up at her. ‘It doesn’t work like that, I’m afraid. We always like to run some tests to see what might be causing the sleep issues.’
Moving on, the doctor glanced through her papers again. ‘It says here you have two young children.’
‘I do,’ replied Kate, wondering what that had to do with anything.
‘Could they be the reason you’re not sleeping well?’
‘Well, sometimes they’re up at night, yes, but—’
‘In that case, I suggest you try to get some help with them so you can rest. Are your parents or other family members able to help out?’
‘I understand what you’re saying, but my children have never been the best sleepers. This is a different problem.’
‘OK,’ said the doctor. ‘Let’s run some tests first to make sure there’s no underlying cause for your insomnia and we can go from there.’
‘So, can you write me a prescription for some sleeping pills?’
‘Once I’m satisfied that there’s no medical reason, then we can look at possible remedies. Here, take this form to the nurse and she’ll do a blood test. You should get the results in a day or two. Make an appointment to come back in five days.’ It was clear this appointment was over.
Kate stood up, taking the form. How on earth was she going to survive another five days? The nights were becoming unbearable and the days were not much better, but at least she could keep herself busy and distracted. Muttering her thanks, she fought the fear that had lodged its way into her life and was refusing to let go. Leaving the clinic, she checked her watch. She had about thirty minutes before picking up her younger daughter from Jan’s house. Despite Kate not attending the classes any more, Jan had remained a good friend.
They sometimes had a drink together and she had gone over to their house for lunch. Both Jan and Trevor had full lives with their family and grandchildren, and they were happy to welcome Kate into their home. Jan had offered to look after her younger daughter if she ever needed a break and, up until today, Kate had not needed to take her up on the offer. But as the nights became more and more troublesome, she had decided to make an appointment with the doctor and leave her youngest with Jan for a couple of hours. Knowing that she hadn’t prepared anything for dinner, Kate decided to stop off at the supermarket before going to pick up her daughter.
*
As she browsed the shelves, Kate tried to find an-over-the counter solution that might help her insomnia. She had tried everything, though: hot milk, a relaxing bath, music, but nothing seemed to work and she knew nothing was likely to work as long as she still had the threat of Mr Barnes hanging over her. How could she have been so utterly stupid and reckless, she asked herself a thousand times. At any moment, she prepared for her husband to come home with the news that he had discovered what she’d done. She imagined him telling her their marriage was over and that he was taking the girls. She imagined him packing up their things – their toys, their clothes – and leaving her in the small flat with nothing but her shame to keep her company. And she knew that he had every right to do that. It didn’t matter what the reasons for the affair were. What mattered was that she broken his trust and it could never be repaired. Kate tried to gulp down the panic that was rising within her. If she lost her girls, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. It was that simple; her life would be over. But in a way her life already felt over as she was living with the constant threat of being found out. Kate had seriously considered telling her husband everything herself. But what would it do? Yes, it would make her feel better but it wouldn’t make it right, and who knew what her husband would do?
Walking to the checkout with her shopping, Kate hoped she would be able to last five more days. Otherwise, she may have no choice but to tell her husband her sordid secret and she knew that would destroy everything.
Chapter 42
Alison
Alison closed her suitcase with a satisfying snap. In twenty-four hours she would be lying on a sun lounger with nothing more to do than read her favourite book and enjoy a long cool drink. She was meeting Laura at the airport the next morning and they had talked about nothing else for the last few weeks. They had planned their outfits down to the smallest detail and researched all the best beaches and bars. It was going to be a week of sheer bliss and for Alison it signified so much more than a holiday, it signified a fresh start, a new beginning. There was only one thing left to do before she could move on and she planned to tell him tonight.
*
They had been in touch only sporadically via text since Alison went home from university and she was grateful The Professor was keeping his promise to give her space. Yet when it came to Mark, she missed him more than she thought she would. They had been messaging most days, and while he was still his same jokey self, their messages had taken a more intimate tone lately. Alison didn’t think too much about what it meant – she was more focused on herself these days – but she was glad of the friendship and she was looking for
ward to seeing him in September. In fact, he would be the first person she called. He was in Ireland at the moment with his family, before heading to London to do an internship. He had mentioned maybe visiting her for the weekend while he was in England and she had messaged him back immediately saying she would love to see him.
*
Alison didn’t tell anyone that she was planning to visit The Professor that evening. She wanted to speak to him face to face – she felt she owed him that much after he had been so patient with her. And she also felt that the fact he hadn’t been in touch with her, as much as she had expected, demonstrated that he had also moved on. It was now simply a case of making it official. She dropped him a message to let him know she would visit him around seven that evening. He responded telling her he was looking forward to seeing her and she ignored the flash of warning that went through her at the speed of his response.
Chapter 43
Kate
‘She needs to visit a doctor,’ she heard Jan say with authority.
Slowly coming to, Kate looked around her. She realised she was in her own room. But why was Jan at her house? Wasn’t Kate supposed to be at Jan’s house? She turned her head to try to hear the voices that were drifting towards her from the living room. ‘But what’s wrong with her?’ asked her husband, the worry evident in his voice. ‘You’ve been with her at these writing classes and book club – has she said anything to you?’
‘I haven’t—’ Jan stopped abruptly, suddenly realising there may be more to the story.
‘I’m so worried about her, Jan,’ said Kate’s husband, his voice small in his confusion. ‘She’s lost so much weight and she seems to be in a different world half the time and then incredibly sad the rest of it. Do you think it’s depression? Or women’s troubles?’ He lowered his voice further on the last few words, almost afraid to hear the answer, his traditional working-class background making him reluctant to pry further.
The questions hung in the air and Kate could imagine Jan rapidly thinking. ‘Now, don’t you worry, I’m sure she’s just fine – probably she’s just got herself a bit overtired. It’s easily done when you have two kids to look after. My grandkids take their toll on their mother, that’s for sure. Just the other day, I was saying to my Trevor, “I don’t remember it being this much hard work when we had kids,” but it’s a different world today, isn’t it? The young people have so much more to worry about than we had in our day.’
Kate tried to sit up but discovered she felt dizzy if she moved. Lying back down again, she called for her husband. He came at once, with Jan close behind him.
‘Kate! Thank God you’re awake – are you OK? I was this close to calling an ambulance,’ exclaimed her husband.
‘What happened?’ Kate asked weakly.
‘You fainted and bumped your head,’ said her husband. ‘Luckily, you were at Jan’s and she and Trevor brought you home in their car. How are you feeling?’
‘A bit dizzy,’ Kate admitted. ‘Where are the girls?’
‘They’re fine, love. Don’t worry about them, they’re both here watching TV.’
‘Perhaps Kate would like a cup of tea,’ said Jan pointedly. ‘I would also add a spoonful of sugar for the shock as well as maybe pop round to the shop for some biscuits to go with it.’
Keen to have something to do, Kate’s husband left her with Jan in the hope that she could help with whatever was bothering her.
‘You have about fifteen minutes to tell me everything,’ said Jan firmly, after closing the bedroom door.
And so Kate did. In hushed tones, everything that had happened over the last year poured out from her – the highs, the lows, the guilt, the feelings of despair, the money worries, the affair, the Valentine card. She left nothing out and by the time she’d told the whole sorry story, Kate felt empty. Jan didn’t interrupt her once and when she’d finished, Jan sat back, closed her eyes, and didn’t speak. After a few minutes, she opened her eyes, and looked at Kate very directly.
‘OK, Kate, here’s what we’re going to do,’ she said, ‘and then we’re going to forget this ever happened and never talk about it again.’
*
Jan arranged everything. She booked Kate an appointment with a doctor – a different one to the one she had seen before – as well as booked an appointment with a counsellor to talk through some of her feelings. Jan also gave her a pill – ‘something to help you relax, pet,’ she said vaguely when Kate ask what it was – so whether it was that, the bump on the head, or the fact that she had revealed her anguish to Jan, for the first time in a long time, Kate slept for twelve solid hours. She woke up to her husband bringing her a cup of coffee.
‘How are you feeling?’ he’d asked her gently.
‘Better, thank you,’ she replied, taking the coffee gratefully. ‘Hmm, real coffee,’ she said, smelling the aroma.
‘Well, I thought you needed a treat.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Listen,’ her husband said to her hesitantly. ‘I know I haven’t been the best husband for a while, and I’m sure I’m a part of your unhappiness, but I want you to know…’ He stalled, emotion welling up, preventing him from speaking. Taking a deep breath, he tried again. ‘I want you to know,’ he continued, ‘that I love you deeply and I will always love you, and whatever it is that is bothering you, I am here for you. I hope you can forgive me and we can start to let go of the past and move forward. Whatever I’ve done, whatever you’ve done, it’s over and I hope we can start afresh.’
Kate gulped, fighting down the tears. She wondered if her husband had an idea of her betrayal.
‘Can you do that for me?’ he asked.
Kate nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, he held her face in his hands.
‘We’re turning a corner, Kate,’ he whispered to her. ‘I can feel it. I know things have been hard but we can rebuild our marriage to what it used to be. Do you remember?’
Kate did, and the memories finally made her tears spill over.
Kissing them away, her husband brought her close. ‘I love you, Kate. You’re the only woman for me.’
‘I love you, too,’ she whispered, and as she wrapped her arms around him, she knew they would survive this.
*
Kate never did find out how Jan had dealt with Mr Barnes’s veiled threat. When she had asked, Jan had told her it was all sorted and she didn’t need to worry about Mr Barnes any longer. She had a suspicion that Trevor must have had something to do with it because when Kate saw Mr Barnes in town one afternoon, he immediately turned and walked the other way, almost running. Kate was too afraid to ask Jan what that meant but, either way, she was happy he wasn’t bothering her and she did as she was told. It was good to have someone else take charge. Kate felt bruised and vulnerable, and Jan, with her brisk, can-do attitude, was just what Kate needed. Later, she heard from Jan that Mr Barnes had decided to take up a post at the University of Bath and the news reassured her. Gradually, over time, she started to sleep better and the paranoia began to recede.
Chapter 44
Alison
Getting off the bus, Alison was surprised to find she was nervous. She could feel a small knot developing in her stomach. Pushing the feeling aside, she reassured herself that in less than an hour this would all be over and she could get on with her life. Smiling, she thought about her holiday: she couldn’t wait to get on the plane with Laura – they were going to have so much fun. But first, I have to do this, she thought, and then I will be free.
As she approached his front door, the late summer sun slipped behind a cloud and with that first knock, Alison realised there was no turning back. Perhaps she should have told someone what she was doing? But it was too late now, and as the front door swung open, The Professor welcomed her with an embrace and a long lingering kiss. Gingerly extracting herself, Alison caught sight of the living room behind him. The table was set for two, with a bottle of wine already uncorked. The
room was gently lit by two flickering candles and she could smell the slow-cooked flavours of a beef bourguignon – her favourite meal.
‘Hi,’ he whispered into her hair. ‘I’ve missed you so much! I’m so glad you decided to come over. Come, have a look what I’ve been cooking for you.’
He was clearly in the middle of finishing cooking the meal. A half-full glass of red wine sat on the counter and as he talked he went back to chopping the fresh thyme, the final ingredient for the stew.
‘I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you. I’m so sorry about everything I put you through. I’ve started the counselling now and it’s really making a difference. I’ve also cut back on the drink although I have made an exception for tonight,’ he smiled. ‘I thought we would celebrate.’
‘Actually,’ began Alison, ‘I came to see you because—’
‘I’m just so happy you’re back,’ interrupted The Professor. ‘It’s been torture not being able to see you. But from now on, everything’s going to be different – a fresh start – that’s exactly what we need. And I think we should celebrate by going on holiday. What do you think about Malta? I also hear Cyprus is lovely. Perhaps we can go to the travel agent this weekend and see if anything takes our fancy. I was also thinking one of those all-inclusive holidays might be quite a nice option?’
He turned around to look at her, his face full of expectation, the knife in one hand, his glass of wine in the other.
‘I’m so sorry,’ stammered Alison. ‘But I’m not actually here to get back together with you.’
The Professor lowered his wine glass, slowing placing it on the kitchen counter.
Taking note of his shock, Alison tried to lessen the blow.
‘I’m really sorry; I just feel that at the moment, this isn’t the right time for me to be in a relationship. I need to focus on my studies and graduation. You can understand that, can’t you?’