by Len Webster
Not when she had been told that once before.
The very moment before she chose Duke.
“Landon.”
“Yes, Alex.”
“You have nothing to worry about with your teammates—” Her phone vibrating in her pocket interrupted her. She pulled it out, and her heart stopped.
Evan.
She dropped her phone back into her pocket and forced the ache in her chest to contain itself. Landon couldn’t be exposed to it. Landon couldn’t know about Evan. And he couldn’t know that the only person he would have to ever worry about was Evan Gilmore.
“I have to go,” she said.
“I’ll walk you—”
“That’s okay. Our dorms are on separate parts of campus.” She forced a smile. “I’m sorry we won’t get to have dinner together.”
A soft smile splayed across his lips. “When you get back,” he promised.
She nodded, not wanting him to hear a promise she might break.
Landon leaned forward and pressed his lips to her cheek. “Have a great fall break, Massachusetts,” he whispered as he pulled away.
AJ reached up and curled her hand around the back of his neck, his blue eyes firm on her. “You, too, Connecticut,” she said softly as she got on her tippy toes and pressed a kiss on his cheek.
No matter what happened with Evan, she knew that Duke had a bright future for her if she was willing to open her heart to Landon Carmichael when she returned.
The moment AJ opened her dorm room door and stepped inside, Evan got off her bed and turned to face her. That fear in his eyes separated him from Landon. During her slow walk back to her dorm room, she thought through what she felt. Landon Carmichael was a great guy who gave her the attention she never truly had from anyone. But as she walked away, that spell Landon cast left her. The truth of her heart and her feelings came to light.
Landon Carmichael covered her pain.
He made her happy.
But only for a little while.
The very reason for her pain was the boy in front of her.
The boy she had grown up with.
The boy who had no idea how much he hurt her.
And by the end of fall break, she would make sure he knew the truth.
Not so that she could come back to Duke to be with Landon. She hadn’t made him any promises about what would happen when she returned. But she knew there could be a future with him if she chose to let Evan go.
But looking at Evan, she knew her heart was never completely hers.
So it could never completely belong to Landon.
With Landon, he found humor in her being Little Miss Red Sox.
With Evan, he knew the burden of such a title. He knew her desire to be rid of the expectations of the Red Sox. With Evan, he knew her struggle to find herself.
And that was the difference between them.
Landon was not Evan.
He wasn’t her best friend.
He wasn’t who she really needed at that moment.
Because AJ Parker was still in love with Evan Gilmore, and no one could ever understand that love she had for him.
“I’ll go back home with you, Evan,” AJ said as tears formed, knowing that this was right. In order to live an honest life, she had to face her past.
She needed to free Evan and forgive him.
“You will?”
She nodded. “I realize I haven’t been fair to you. I haven’t been fair to you for a long time. What you did to me hurt, but I shouldn’t have let you go to Vegas and Stanford thinking I’d join you. I shouldn’t have kept Duke a secret.” Tears skimmed her skin. “I have missed you, and I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought you were more than capable of living a life without me. After prom, I didn’t think you’d need me in your life anymore.”
Evan shook his head. “Are you kidding?”
AJ brushed her stupid tears away.
He closed the distance in a matter of breaths, wrapping an arm around her back and digging his fingers into her hair, holding her tight. Protectively. As if he was afraid that if he let her go, it would be the end of them. Just like all the times he held her, AJ’s arms looped around his waist as her tears continued to fall onto his shirt.
She inhaled a deep breath.
The smell of him.
The feel of him.
This was home.
This was right.
“I’ll always need you,” he whispered into her ear. “Always, Alexandra. Even if you don’t need me, I’ll always need you.”
“I need you,” she confessed in a tiny, vulnerable voice. “I’ve tried not to need you, but I do.”
Evan nodded. The side of his face brushing against hers. Then, after a long moment, he pulled back. His hands settled on the sides of her neck as they had done so many times before.
This felt natural.
This felt so familiar.
No one else could hold her like this and make their marks their own on her skin.
His smile was slow to curve. It wasn’t quite full, but it was honest. It was a glimpse of the version of him she loved.
“Are you willing to trust me again?”
Unlike before, AJ nodded. “Yes, if you’re willing to trust me again.”
He let out a relieved sigh. “AJ, I trust you. While I was at Stanford, I trusted that when I finally found you, you’d let me back into your life and we’d get this all worked out.” The sound of a key being inserted into the door had Evan’s hands falling away from her face. And just as the door opened, he whispered, “No matter what happens to us, I’ll always want and need you, Alexandra.” His smile was honest, and she nodded, believing him.
“Sorry, don’t mean to interrupt,” her roommate, Savannah, said as she entered the dorm room and let her bag fall to the ground. AJ spun around to find her holding two pizza boxes and wearing a cautious smile. Sav squinted at her for a moment, then she said, “I thought I’d bring y’all break food before I start my shift.”
AJ frowned. “I thought you already had the opening shift?”
Her roommate shrugged. “Brenton called in sick, and I need the money,” she said as she walked over and handed AJ the pizza boxes and then looked over at Evan. “I didn’t know what pizza you liked, so I just got a barbecue chicken pizza and a pepperoni pizza.”
“Thank you,” Evan said as he took the boxes from AJ.
“You didn’t have to do that, Sav. Thank you,” AJ said as she walked over to Savannah’s closet and opened it. She rummaged through the hangers and took out her roommate’s uniform from the hanger, just in case she needed a clean shirt.
Savannah was by AJ’s side when she closed the door and whispered, “The basketball team is all over campus, so it’s crazy out there.”
AJ stilled, understanding just what her roommate meant.
She was protecting her from the possibility of Evan and Landon meeting.
Of Landon seeing her with Evan.
She nodded as she handed Savannah the uniform. “Thank you, Sav.”
“Hey, what are roommates for? Now, I won’t be back until after close. Y’all definitely need to talk.” Savannah headed over to her bag on the floor and picked it up. When she made it to the door, she spun around and then glanced at AJ and Evan. “I’ll see y’all later.”
When Savannah left the dorm and the door shut, AJ looked over to find Evan sitting on the floor as he flipped the box open. AJ headed over to the fridge, opened it, and pulled out two cans of Coke. She kicked the door closed before she joined Evan on the floor.
“We can sit on my bed if you don’t want to sit on the floor,” AJ offered as she handed him his can.
Evan shook his head. “It’s all right. This is kind of what I imagined us at college would be like.”
Her heart clenched a
t the longing in his voice.
God, it hurt.
By going to Duke instead of Stanford, AJ had taken that dream away from him, from her, and from them.
As if Evan sensed her discomfort, he set his hand gently on her thigh. His thumb traced unfair circles, scarring her skin. “I didn’t mean for that to sound like a jab. I just meant that this is all I’ve ever wanted.” With his free hand, he pushed a piece of pepperoni pizza her way. “I spoke to Kyle,” he announced as he removed his hand from her leg and picked up a slice of pizza for himself.
AJ set her beverage on the floor. “Oh?”
Evan set the slice back in the box and shifted to face her properly. “I made some calls, too.”
“You did?”
“I really don’t want us to just brush all of this under the rug. And I don’t want us to rush through fall break by going back to Boston and forgetting why we’re together again. I told Kyle you’d miss the play-offs game.”
Her brows met in confusion. “Evan, I don’t understand.”
“Do you have classes tomorrow? Like important ones? I know your fall break doesn’t really start until Friday.”
“I have classes all day.”
He pursed his lips as he appeared to mull over his plans. “Can you leave after lunch?”
“Are we flying back to Boston tomorrow?”
Evan shook his head. “I’d like us to drive back home if that’s okay?”
Drive.
It was over an eleven-hour drive back Massachusetts.
It meant that they would have to talk, and she couldn’t run away.
The truth of all their actions and feelings would be revealed.
It meant by the end of their road trip, they would both be stripped bare and vulnerable.
Fear made a reappearance, causing her heart to make hard, long beats.
She should say no.
Tell him that she’d made that drive with her parents, and it was no fun.
But she owed Evan Gilmore for being selfish.
AJ took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. We’ll drive back to Massachusetts together.”
31 Ga
gallium
AJ
Senior year of high school
“Thank you again for inviting me, Mr. and Mrs. Parker,” Evan said once her father parked the family car in the driveway. It had taken them almost an hour to drive out of the city with the traffic—arriving home just after one a.m.
Her mother’s car—driven by her uncle—pulled up next to them. AJ could just see her grandfather passed out in the back seat next to her grandmother.
“Of course, Evan,” her mother said, causing AJ to focus her attention on her. Her mother had turned in her seat and was smiling at Evan. “Thank you for spending it with us.”
“I better help George get Dad out of the car,” her father said with a sigh.
AJ glanced over at Evan and nodded, signaling it was time to get out of the car. Evan understood and reached for the door handle. “Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Parker.”
“Good night, Ev,” her father said.
AJ unbuckled her belt and slid along the leather back seat. “I’ll walk Evan to his door.”
“All right. We’ll see you inside,” her mother said. AJ followed Evan when he opened the door and got out of the car. She almost lost her footing on the icy driveway, but Evan was able to keep her on her feet by grasping her elbow.
“Thanks,” AJ said as she took several steps away from the car so he could close the door. Evan returned to her side as they made their way toward his house.
AJ could only just see the two-story house with the help from the streetlights. It still looked cold. She hated that he lived in that big house on his own, but Evan loved it. He told her he’d much rather live on his own than with parents who barely knew he existed. When Kyle went pro, it was an excuse for their parents to go off and live in another state for their businesses. It had been so long since AJ last saw his parents in Brookline.
“What’s wrong?” Evan asked as they made it to the steps that led to his front door.
AJ turned and lowered herself down on the first step, staring out at the houses across the street. “Evan, do you ever miss your parents?” She peeked up to find his hands in his winter coat pockets.
Evan sat down next to her and exhaled a visible breath in the cold air. “It’s hard to miss someone you don’t really know. I don’t really know my parents. They’re not horrible. They’re just consumed with making a name for themselves. I was the mistake kid, you know.”
“Don’t say that! You’re not.”
He let out a short laugh. “AJ, my parents just wanted Kyle, but then I came along. And well, they didn’t know what to do with me. Your parents treated me like a son and raised me. And do you know what is even better about that?”
AJ shook her head.
“You never once asked your parents to stop caring for me, Alexandra.”
“Why would I do that?”
Evan shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. You could have. They’re your parents, not mine. But you let them be my parents when I need them.”
A smile touched her lips. “They wanted to be in your life, Evan. I could never ask my parents to stop caring for you. They love you too much to do that.”
Her best friend reached over and set a hand on her knee. “Alexandra,” he whispered as his free hand grasped her chin.
“Yes,” she said breathlessly as his eyes darted to her parting lips.
Just when she thought he’d kiss her once more, he turned her face to the right and pressed his lips to her cheek and whispered, “Happy New Year, Alexandra.”
Disappointment flared in her chest.
She thought he would kiss her.
Prove to her that he felt the very same emotions she had on the rooftop of her father’s office.
That it wasn’t a kiss of convenience.
But he proved just that.
It was.
A kiss of utter convenience.
And she hated that she even felt a single ounce of disappointment.
Because Evan Gilmore gave her a moment.
She took it.
And she would cherish it.
For many, they dreamed of moments like theirs, and AJ had to appreciate it.
When he released her chin, she smiled at him. “Happy New Year, Evan.” She got up from the step. “I should get home.”
He nodded and got up as well. She watched as he pulled out his keys from his pants pocket. “Good night, Alexandra.”
Slipping her hands into her pockets, she gave Evan one last smile and said, “Good night, Evan,” before she made her way back to her house.
Once she reached her parents’ car, she looked back to find Evan stepping into his house and closing the door behind him. AJ breathed in the freezing winter air and walked around the car and up the path to the front door. She climbed the short steps, wiped her heels on the doormat, and carefully opened the front door, just in case her grandparents, uncle, and aunt were already in bed. Once she stepped inside and slipped off her heels, she was immediately serenaded by the warmth. AJ bent down and picked up her heels when she heard whispers. She quietly closed the front door and walked toward the sound of the whispers.
She paused outside the kitchen and heard her mother’s sigh.
They must not have heard her come in.
“I’m just saying, Noel, we have to take care of Alexandra first.”
It was her father’s turn to sigh. “I helped raise that boy.”
“But she’s your daughter. It’s not about money. We have more than enough, and I want him to go to college, too. I’m just saying that I’m worried about our daughter. Our only daughter. She’s not a kid anymore, Noel. It could happen, and then what do we do?”
>
“Clara, they’re sensible kids.”
“She’s in love with him. You know it. I know it.”
“I know she is,” her father said in a small voice.
AJ winced.
Her father knew how she felt about Evan.
AJ heard footsteps and then her mother saying, “We have to take care of our daughter, Nolan. I love Evan like a son, but she comes first. I’m her mother, and I promised her the moment I held her for the very first time that I would do everything to protect her. That I would be the mother I always wanted. I am not my mother. I am not Gillian. I will never abandon her. So if there comes a time when they lose their way, we have to stand by our daughter, okay?”
“Baby, you’re overreacting. They’ve been best friends their entire lives. Nothing is going to change that.”
“MIT changed that,” her mother announced, causing AJ’s heart to fall from her chest.
“What?” her father breathed.
Her feet began to take steps before her brain could catch up.
Her father wouldn’t understand.
Her mother wouldn’t have had she not explained.
AJ entered the kitchen and said, “I missed the MIT deadline, Dad.”
Her parents swung their gaze from each other to her. They were sitting on the barstools, holding hands. But the moment AJ revealed to her father the secret she had been keeping from him, her parents got off the stools and faced her.
“Alexandra, you … how could you miss MIT?”
“I was helping Evan with his college admissions,” she said in a tiny voice.
Her father flinched. “You missed the MIT deadline because of Evan?”
She shook her head. “No … I mean … I missed …”
Her father’s green eyes flashed. “Alexandra, did you miss your tour of MIT as well?”
Her heels slipped from her fingertips as she felt a heavy weight on her chest. “I can explain.”
“EXPLAIN WHAT?” her father yelled, causing her to stumble back. Her father had never yelled at her before. It was frightening to see.
“Nolan,” her mother warned.
Her father shook his head in disbelief. The disappointment so clear on his face. “You missed out on your dream college, Alexandra. I don’t understand what you could say to make me understand your choices. Did you miss any other schools?”