The Countertenor Wore Garlic (The Liturgical Mysteries)

by Mark Schweizer

  ***

  The choir sang their offertory anthem very well, and by the time we were going down to the altar for communion, most of the folks had calmed down and almost seemed to have forgotten about Nick Duckling, our Congregational Enlivener. I half-expected him to come popping into the service at some point, but it wasn't to be. Perhaps Kimberly Walnut was consoling him in her office.

  We went downstairs for communion, partook of the bread and wine, and listened to the words of grace from Vicar McTavish:

  "Take, eat, abase your carnal nature, and hang your head in mortification."

  and

  "The bread of solace, the cup of consolation."

  and

  "Do not be deceived by false gifts. Their drink is the poison of dragons, and the cruel venom of asps."

  "We rarely get communion sentences from the Book of Deuteronomy," I whispered, as Meg and I walked down the side aisle toward the stairway leading back to the choir loft.

  "Come to the table as a wretched worm and contemplate God's grace."

  Elaine and Bev had repaired to the parish hall as soon as the offertory was finished to help set up for coffee hour, so I was short two sopranos for the communion anthem. I was contemplating my options, Muffy and Meg being the only two left in the section, when I saw Nancy waiting for me in the narthex at the foot of the stairs. She was in her uniform, of course, and had a steely look on her face. She motioned me out the front doors and onto the steps.

  "I saw Rob Brannon in town this morning," she said. "At least I think it was him. He was driving a white Ford Escort on Poplar Drive right in front of the bank. He probably saw me, too, because by the time I'd turned around, he'd taken a side street and was gone."

  "Rob Brannon?" said Meg, who'd followed us out. "What's he doing in town?"

  "No idea," said Nancy.

  "Something's up," I said. "Is Dave working?"

  Nancy shook her head. "I think that he's in Wilkesboro again."

  "Well, drive around and see if you can spot Brannon again. Let's make sure it's him. Pull him over for speeding or something."

  "Or something."

  Meg and I went back inside and started climbing the stairs to the loft when Bev came back in the front door.

  "I just saw Nancy leaving. What's going on?"

  "Police stuff," I said. "What's happening in the kitchen? You're back early, not that I'm complaining. Now we can sing that Mozart motet."

  "What a disaster!" said Bev, exasperation spilling from her voice. "First, the bakery doesn't have enough cinnamon coffee cakes, so they substituted chocolate walnut. Nick Duckling came into the kitchen, grabbed a plate of cannolis and cinnamon buns and took off with Kimberly Walnut. I guess they're in her office licking their wounds. Then Kylie Moffit came over from Holy Grounds to help make the coffee. She's the one that ordered it for the celebration. So she comes in and found that not only had someone stuck the whole shipment in the freezer, but that they had stolen about two pounds of the stuff. At $350 a pound, that's seven hundred bucks!"

  "Freezer? I saw the sign on the box. It said to keep it frozen."

  "Apparently you don't freeze coffee beans. It messes with the flavor," said Bev with all the sarcasm of one who frequently freezes coffee beans.

  "The beans were in bags?" I asked.

  "One big jute bag per box filled with beans and tied with a heavy string. Seven pounds per bag. One of them was about two pounds light. Now Wynette is on a tear about putting locks on all the refrigerators and the walk-in. I swear..."

  I remembered the words of comfort from Vicar McTavish.

  "Do not be deceived by false gifts. Their drink is the poison of dragons, and the cruel venom of asps."

  "Oh, jeez," I said. "Meg, go up and tell Marjorie she has to play the last hymn."

  Meg looked horrified. "No," she said.

  "Then everyone can sing it a cappella. I've gotta go."

  "Marjorie only plays the piano," Meg said, panic in her voice. "And badly!"

  But I was already running for the parish hall.

  ***

  I burst into the kitchen to the amazement of the four women who were working. Wynette, Mattie Lou, and Elaine were busy putting pastries on silver serving platters before carrying them out to the hall and setting them on the beautifully laid tables. Kylie Moffit was working at the two coffee urns, busily transferring the coffee from the brewing urns to the carafes that would be used to serve the unique brew.

  "Who drank the coffee?" I said, as I banged through the double doors.

  I caught them all by surprise and they froze for a moment before Wynette said, "I don't think anyone has."

  I looked to the other three women. They all shook their heads, indicating they hadn't had time to try it yet.

  "Anyone touch any of the beans?"

  Everyone's eyes went to Kylie. "Well, yes," she said. "I guess I did. I mean, I must have, although I poured them into the grinder right from the bag. Then I used this scoop here." She held up a measuring cup. "What's wrong?"

  "Wash your hands," I said.

  Kylie moved to the sink immediately and lathered up.

  I pulled a picture from my pocket and showed it to her. "You recognize this guy?"

  Kylie nodded but didn't speak.

  "It's a good bet that the coffee beans are poisoned," I said. "We're not taking a chance and we don't need to panic everyone. Kylie, you pour it all down the drain, but save me about a cup in a sealed jar. Wynette, get a trash bag for the grounds. Don't touch them. Bag 'em up and put them back in the freezer. Wear those rubber gloves they use for washing dishes. Okay? Mattie Lou, make some more Community Coffee and throw in some stuff to make it taste a little different."

  "Nutmeg and black pepper," said Kylie. I winked at her.

  "Elaine, you get the rest of the food out. Everybody got it?"

  They nodded, too stunned to say anything.

  "Let's hurry," I said. "Go, go! And not a word about any of this to anyone. Ever. Got it?"

  The women virtually leapt into action.

  "Am I going to die?" said Kylie as she turned the urn over into the sink.

  "Nope," I said, hoping I was telling the truth. "You'll be fine."

  ***

  The after-service All Saints' Day celebration was a huge success, with the whole church in attendance. Kimmy Jo Jameson did not show up, but I didn't expect that she would. Meg came in, looking for answers, but I laid a finger aside my nose, our signal that all would be explained later.

  The pastries were delicious, as we knew they would be, and the mock Kopi Luwak coffee was tasted by all, even the kids. Moosey and his gang were still decked out in their Plague Faire favors and hovering around the chocolate coffee cake table in an effort to scare the smaller children back over to the sugar cookies.

  "This coffee is certainly worth the price," said Annette Passaglio. "It may be the best coffee I've ever had. I had no idea. I'm going to start ordering it."

  "I can take it or leave it," said Marjorie. "I don't taste litter-box, but it's a little peppery for my taste."

  "How did you do on the hymn?" I asked. "Sorry I had to take off. A bit of an emergency."

  "She did fine," said Meg. "Although it was a slightly different accompaniment than we were expecting."

  "In what way?" I asked.

  "I didn't care for that hymn you picked," said Marjorie. "So I played one I liked."

  "Whispering Hope?" I asked.

  "Oh, no," said Meg. "That would have been refreshing. Do you happen to know The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald?"

  "Sure!" I said with a big smile. "Gordon Lightfoot. I didn't know it was a hymn."

  "I know that one by heart," sniffed Marjorie. "I find it very spiritual."

  Bev walked up and threw her hands up into the air. "Well, that's that!"

  "What?" Meg asked.

  "Vicar Fearghus McTavish resigned right after the service. He said he's done what he came to do or something like that. I can't find him anywher
e. I'll bet that Nick Duckling was the last straw, or maybe that hymn. After that, the vicar didn't want any part of St. Barnabas."

  Meg and I shot each other a look.

  "That Kimberly Walnut!" Bev shook her head and took a sip of coffee. She made a face. "I don't know what all the fuss is about. I mean, this is good, but it's not worth twenty bucks a cup."

  ***

  Meg, Nancy, and I sat down at our table at the Slab Café. Pete joined us as soon as we sat down and Cynthia came in a couple of minutes later. Noylene and Pauli Girl were working the floor but the church crowd had come and gone and we had the place mostly to ourselves.

  "I'm going home," announced Pauli Girl, taking off her apron and tossing it into the dirty apron and napkin basket behind the counter. "Lunch is over and Mom's coming home. I've gotta go clean up the house."

  "Thanks for coming in," said Pete. "See you Tuesday afternoon?"

  "I'll be here," said Pauli Girl.

  "How's Bud doing?" asked Meg.

  "He'll be okay. He talked to the dean at the college and got squared away. He's going back tomorrow."

  "That's great," said Meg. "You be careful driving home."

  "Yes, ma'am," said Pauli Girl and walked out the door. The cowbell banged against the glass and registered her departure.

  "So, spill it," said Meg. "What on earth happened?"

  "Well, you know that Nancy saw Rob Brannon in town," I said.

  "I thought I saw him," Nancy said. "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Whoever it was, he's gone now."

  "Anyway," I continued, "when Bev said that Kylie Moffit was complaining about the coffee being in the freezer, I knew something was up. Here's the thing. Flori Cabbage got dosed with zombie powder..."

  "Tetrodotoxin," said Nancy.

  "Right," I said. "But that wasn't what killed her. She got a small dose. Something she probably got when she stole some of the beans out of the walk-in on the night she was killed."

  "She stole some beans?" said Meg.

  "Sure. She knew they were there and probably thought they wouldn't be missed. She helped Mattie Lou and Wynette put them into the freezer.

  "But wouldn't she have had to drink it?" asked Pete.

  "Nope, just digging in it with her hands would be enough. Kent doesn't think it was enough to kill her. It was probably enough to make her sick, but she hadn't had time to start feeling the effects before she was killed by Elphina."

  "Then where's the coffee she stole?" asked Cynthia.

  "It was right where she left it," I said. "I picked it up after the reception."

  "Well...?" said Meg.

  "In the choir robing room. Elaine found the fanny pack on the floor in the corner under some surplices. The coffee was in a brown paper bag in the same place. Elaine found the fanny pack and rushed it over. We never went back and looked through that trash for anything else."

  "Okay," said Meg. "Back to the freezer."

  "Right," I said. "So Kylie was complaining that someone put the coffee in the freezer. I saw the sign on the box. 'All Saints' Day. Given in memory of our beloved Junior Jameson. Keep frozen until ready to use.' What would be the reason to freeze the coffee? Because that zombie powder..."

  "Tetrodotoxin," said Nancy.

  "Right. That stuff loses its potency unless kept at a low temperature."

  Pete got up and brought a coffee pot over to the table and refilled everyone's cups.

  "So Rob Brannon tried to kill everyone at the church?" Cynthia asked.

  "We'll check the coffee and the grounds, but that's my thought. Kylie recognized the picture of Rob Brannon. He was the one who came to pick up the coffee. I already called Kimmy Jo Jameson. She didn't send it. In fact, she had forgotten all about All Saints' Day."

  "So why did he grab Flori Cabbage's computer?" asked Pete.

  "He didn't," said Nancy. "Ian Burch did. I found it in the back of his shop. It has a password, and if we bother to get into it, I'm betting there are going to be a lot more pictures and emails. Stuff that Dr. Ian Burch, PhD, isn't especially proud of."

  "Are you going to bother?" Meg asked.

  "I doubt it," I said.

  "Then why did Rob Brannon stick a pumpkin on Flori Cabbage's head after he found her dead in the hay maze?"

  "It wasn't him," I said. "At least I don't think it was. I think it was Elphina. We'll ask her when we find her, but one thing was for sure. She was furious at Flori Cabbage."

  "Is that everything?" asked Cynthia. "Is everything wrapped up nicely? May I give a full report to the city council?"

  "No!" came the answer from the rest of the table.

  ***

  Meg and I walked into the church after lunch and started down the aisle toward the steps to the choir loft where I'd left the organ on, and my jacket hanging on a hook. We'd gotten halfway when we heard a noise at the front. Turning around, we saw the vicar kneeling at the altar. If he spotted us, he didn't acknowledge our presence right away. After he'd finished praying, he stood, faced us, and waited for us to approach.

  "We hear you're leaving us," said Meg.

  "Aye," said the vicar, the brogue rolling over his lips and down the front of his black cassock. "I've done what I could. Congregational Enlivener..." He shook his head in dismay. "There's no hope for ye."

  "Ah, there's always hope," I said. "Hope is what we have. Hope and grace and Kimberly Walnut."

  Postlude

  We had the coffee and the grounds tested and they contained, as we thought, enough Tetrodotoxin to do us all substantial harm. Kylie Moffit got sick from the stuff and went down to the hospital in Boone, but since she had gotten such a low dose, she recovered quickly. No one else was affected. We suspected that Rob Brannon had been in town that morning because he couldn't stand to be away. He wanted to see the effects of his horrific plan. We never did find him, and he never checked in with his parole officer. He just disappeared.

  The Ashe County sheriff caught up with Mary Edith Lumpkin, a.k.a Elphina, in Weavers Ford up by the Virginia border. She was in a car with a young man who seemed to share her vampire fashion sense. Unfortunately for him (as well as Mary Edith), he was going through one of the most famous speed traps in Western North Carolina and the Ashe County sheriff's department tended not to embrace the spiky hair, fishhook-in-the-face look, especially when accompanied by a lot of attitude. Also unfortunately for him, there was a warrant out for Mary Edith's arrest. She admitted the deed when faced with the evidence—Bud's statement, the text messages, the murder weapon—but just shrugged when asked why she'd placed the pumpkin on Flori Cabbage's head. She plead guilty and managed to cut a diminished capacity deal with the D.A. Pauli Girl wasn't surprised.

  "I always knew that girl weren't right," Pauli Girl said.

  Dave and Collette became an item again, although we rarely saw Collette in St. Germaine. Dave was happy to make the hour drive down the mountain to Wilkesboro to see her, and although they'd been engaged once before, there was no talk about a wedding, at least not to us.

  Bud went back to school, got over his heartbreak, and by Christmas was dating another girl, this one, according to Ardine, less toothy.

  Kylie Moffit, along with her husband Biff, continued to run Holy Grounds coffee shop, although Kopi Luwak coffee was no longer on the menu.

  Marjorie finished her book review for the church newsletter. She was not kind.

  The bishop sent us another supply priest until we could hire a new rector. He was a nice fellow who had retired to the mountains from Florida with his wife. With his blessing, we sent the 1928 prayer books back to Lord's Chapel.

  Salena Mercer went on to become the biggest seller of vampire fiction of all time, eclipsing even Anne Rice. Her zombie-walk video went viral on YouTube and spurred sales into the millions. She offered to come back to Eden Books on the next Halloween. Georgia politely declined. "It's too nerve-wracking," she said.

  Kevin the Zombie ended up choosing not to sue Amelia Godshaw for shooting him in the buttocks with
rock-salt. Once his lawyer saw the pictures that Nancy forwarded on to him, the barrister decided that working on contingency, in this case, wasn't going to pay off.

  Dr. Ian Burch, PhD, was a man of single-minded intent and once he had his cap set for someone, was determined to win her affections. He continued to add his countertenor to the choir and to woo Tiff St. James to the best of his ability. He even asked me for relationship advice. I referred him to Nancy. Nancy, who still had Flori's laptop, mentioned that she thought she might have discovered the password, and that was the end of it.

  Martha Hatteberg never regained her back row seat.

  ***

  Me and Pedro had the coffins looted and were back at the office at 10:06 Eastern Standard Time, which was 7:06 Pacific Time, which if you transpose it, was actually 6:66 PM, not that it mattered to the plot because we were definitely in the prior time zone, but was kinda foreboding nevertheless since Marilyn was sitting primly at her desk when we arrived, her head on backwards, furiously typing sixes.

  "You're supposed to be on permanent vacation," I said.

  "I heard you were back in business," said Marilyn, spinning her head back around with a sexy shake of her wig and teeth. "How much did you get from those Amish vampires?"

  "How did you know we had a case?"

  "I have a sense about these things," Marilyn said. "Like the way a beautiful female snake can sense another, even richer snake. The Amish always have gold. They hate banks, you know."

  I slung a heavy bag of gold coins onto the desk. It landed with a clunk and a ka-ching. Pedro did the same.

  "They had all their coins in their coffins," he said. "Once we got past the Mother Superior, we were home free."

  "She didn't whack you with a ruler?"

  "Oh, yeah," I said. "We got whacked. Then I got away and Pedro stayed to be whacked a little more."

  "What can I say?" remarked Pedro with a grin. "I gotta thing for nuns and it's good to be a detective."