Shape of My Life

by DC Renee

  “Yeah,” I responded. “Just nowhere near here.”

  “Gotcha.” He smiled and drove me to a hotel about twenty minutes away.

  When I got to the hotel, the enormity of the situation of what my life had become finally hit me. I broke down in tears as I curled into a ball.

  What had happened to me? “This isn’t the shape your life is supposed to be taking,” the mirror me had said. No shit. I was supposed to be happy, not crazy. I was supposed to be in love, not heartbroken. The stupid dreams seemed to be foreshadowing my own doom, and there it was.

  What was I going to do now?

  I looked at my phone briefly and saw the dozens of missed calls and texts, all from Grennan. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it made me feel a tiny bit better that he seemed to care. A very tiny bit. I just want to go home. The thought came out of nowhere, but once it was there, I knew it was the right thing to do. I needed to be around my parents, around Cassidy. They were people who truly loved me. No matter what happened to me or how mentally unstable I was becoming, they’d be there for me. I needed to be surrounded by their support. I should tell them I’m coming, I thought to myself but decided I just didn’t have the desire or energy to talk about it. They’d know when I got there.

  I booked the first flight, which was the following morning, and found the mini bar stocked. It wouldn’t be for long.

  I had to say I was surprised I fell asleep. My phone was on silent, but every notification I got made the screen light up. I was constantly fighting the urge to look, so I finally turned it off. And then I spent the rest of the time rehashing everything about my time with Grennan while the TV droned on in the background and the alcohol tasted bitter on my lips.

  The physical and emotional exhaustion, coupled with the alcohol I consumed, were most definitely factors in why I was able to find some sleep. It wasn’t restful. It was full of dreams. They were all like those I had before. I could literally hear myself saying, “Not tonight,” in one of the dreams, but my broken mind didn’t care that my heart was also broken. I was me and not me in all of them, and they came one after another this time. I was a singer, a person, a lyricist, a fun person … everything I wasn’t really. And a note of fear and sadness lingered in every dream. They were overloading me, making me go crazy even in sleep.

  And then finally, there was a break. Not a break from dreaming so much as a break from those dreams. It was a memory in the form of a dream, a very recent memory. “Jourdan?” his voice called out. He was looking at me, seeing someone else … exactly how I felt in all my dreams ironically. “It’s just that you looked exactly like her for a moment,” he had said. That was what it was like for me too often in my dreams as well, and then the mirror … “But your eyes. They’re hers.”

  They’re hers. He hadn’t said hers were mine. He said mine were hers. Like I wasn’t me. I hadn’t been me in a while, not truly. I was changing, I knew this, but who the hell was I turning into?

  “They’re hers,” I heard his voice again, but this time, instead of seeing him in front of me, I saw my own face staring back at me. I woke up with a gasp, panting for breath. Too much. The night and those dreams … it was all too much. I was shaking and breathing hard. I wrapped my arms around myself, but they were trembling too.

  “What the hell does this mean?” I asked out loud to no one. “What are you trying to tell me?” I called out again, still to no one in particular.

  And then it hit me, and I jumped out of bed and grabbed my laptop, barely letting it power on before I typed in her name—Jourdan.

  I knew I wasn’t acting rationally. I knew I was hyperventilating. I could literally feel my heartbeat in my fingers as I typed. I was sure if I looked in the mirror, I’d see a pale face, wide eyes, and quivering lips. I was a mess, and I didn’t even have to see myself to know it.

  What does Jourdan even have to do with anything?

  I looked at the screen in front of me, and my panic before suddenly seemed like child’s play. I had never felt myself lose control of my body the way I did as I looked at the screen. I was sure I had tears trailing down my cheeks. I was sure my hands had come up and palmed my own face as if in shock. I was sure I was blinking rapidly. But I had no control over those actions. All I could do was gasp as I stared. “Oh, my God!”

  Brooklyn

  “Hey, sweetheart, what are you doing here?” my mom asked as I walked through the door. I probably should have called my parents to let them know I was coming home. I could have at least knocked. My mind wasn’t exactly where it should have been. I looked up at her, and I didn’t need to utter a word. I saw her smile disappear as she took in my upset expression. “Oh, Brook, what happened?”

  I wanted to tell her that I was losing my mind, and then follow that up with Grennan cheating on me. There were times when, no matter how old you were, you just needed your mom. You needed her to hug you and tell you everything would be okay. This was one of those moments. Yet when I opened my mouth to tell her, nothing came out. It was my subconscious telling me I just wasn’t ready to talk about it, to acknowledge it out loud.

  “I’m okay, Mom,” I reassured her as she hugged me. “I was just feeling a bit homesick.”

  “Well, then it’s good you’re here,” she told me as she released me, but her expression said she knew there was more. “Why don’t you get settled in while I make you something to eat? Dad’s going to be here soon. Does Cass know you’re here?” I shook my head in response. “You want me to invite her over? I know she’ll be excited to see you.”

  “I’m pretty beat today. Maybe tomorrow.” I had caught an early morning flight, but by the time I had landed, found a taxi, and made it home, it was midday, and I was exhausted. Although how much of that was due to traveling versus what was going on with me wasn’t something I wanted to share with my mom just then. She nodded but pursed her lips like it was a struggle not to say what she wanted to spit out. I silently thanked her for not pushing it.

  “All right. Well, I’m glad you’re home. And when you’re ready to talk about it, I’m all ears.”

  I had to squeeze my eyes shut not to sob. “Thanks, Mom. I love you.”

  “Love you too, Brook. Now go splash some water on your face, maybe take a shower to wash off your travels … and troubles,” she tacked on quietly. “Come back down, and we’ll eat together.”

  I nodded and went to my room. It was exactly how I had left it just months before. It felt like a lifetime ago and just the other day at the same time. It was sad to be back, knowing it wasn’t temporary, knowing I would not be whisked away to spend time with Grennan. It was also comforting to be back in familiar territory.

  I wrapped my arms around myself as I sat on my bed. I knew I looked probably half as bad as I felt, and the more I thought about it, the more grateful I was that my mom hadn’t pushed me. I had cried myself dry, but I was sure I could squeeze a few more tears out if I opened my mouth and spoke about everything on my mind. It wasn’t even only Grennan. It was all the crazy thoughts drifting in and out.

  After I had calmed myself the night before—and by calm, I simply mean I started comprehending my surroundings—I stared at picture after picture of Jourdan.

  She was beautiful, carefree, and always smiling. She had been happy. It was a shame her life had been cut short. But that wasn’t what I had been looking for. That wasn’t what had me hyperventilating. What had me quaking.

  Her eyes … Her hair was lighter than mine, her nose a little longer, her face was different, but her eyes …

  Eye color was a funny thing. There were dominant colors and recessive colors, but there were also colors considered mutations. Green was a mutation. My eyes were green. A specific green. Jourdan’s eyes were my green.

  I had been staring at her face, looking at her eyes, and they were mine. I had been staring at my own eyes.

  My mind was abuzz. Nothing was completely coherent even.

  What did it all mean? I asked myself. Why did she hav
e my eyes? Why was I obsessing over her? Why did she even matter? Yet she did. I think it was because I needed to focus my energy somewhere. I needed my crazy on the backburner, and my painful thoughts of Grennan pushed back even further. Letting myself think of Jourdan and what happened to such a bright and young star was something I could allow.

  My mind drifted to her. That was safe territory. Well, safer than any other thought I had. I had memorized her pictures, and they all replayed in my mind.

  “Why the hell did I have to find out you were back from Grennan?” I heard Cassidy’s voice before I saw her. I opened my eyes, and her semi-smiling, half-scowling face was staring down at me. It was much darker in the room, and I realized that I must have drifted off to sleep somehow. I didn’t feel refreshed, but I knew I had needed even the tiny sleep I had gotten. Thank you for small favors.

  “Wha-what?” I asked as I sat up and rubbed my face with my palms.

  “I had at least a dozen missed calls from him this morning, and when I called him back, he was panicking. When he asked if I knew where you were, naturally, I told him no, which was actually the truth because someone didn’t bother to clue me in.” She pouted for effect. Normally, it would work on me, but right then, my head was still messing with me. “So I started blowing up your phone, but it was off. I can’t believe your parents didn’t tell me you were in. Those traitors,” she muttered to herself.

  “I asked them to just leave me be,” I told her finally.

  “Even from me?” she asked teasingly, but I heard a tiny bit of hurt in her voice. I frowned. “Damn … must have been something bad,” she said, waiting for me to tell her what happened.

  I ignored her silent question. “Where are my parents?”

  “Downstairs. They told me not to bother you since you were asleep last time your mom checked. Something about being tired and needing rest, blah, blah. You know I don’t listen to that.”

  “How did you know I was here?”

  “Well, I didn’t think to even ask your parents because I knew they’d tell me if you were here. Plus, I figured I’d be the first person to know if you disappeared.” I heard the hurt again, and this time, I felt a bit guilty. “But when the day went by and your phone was still off, and I didn’t hear back from you, I started panicking. I caved and called, and here you are.”

  “I’m sorry I had you worried. My phone’s been off since last night, and I didn’t mean to fall asleep. It’s just been …” I trailed off as I felt a lone tear trail down my cheek. “I just needed some time to myself, and I had nowhere to go but home.”

  “It’s all going to be okay, Brook.”

  “I don’t know about that,” I responded honestly.

  “Tell me what happened.”

  “Cass, I don’t want to lie to you, but I’ve got a lot on my mind right now, and I need some time to process it all before I can talk about it. I promise when I figure it all out, you’ll be the first person I talk to.”

  “Brook—” she started, but I cut her off.

  “I know you care, but I need to get my head on straight.”

  “I need to know what’s bothering you so I can help fix it.”

  “I know, Cass, and I love you, you know I do. Which is exactly why I’m asking you to trust me on this and let it slide for now, okay? Just be my friend. Keep me distracted from all the crap that’s going on in my mind, yeah?”

  “This is going to kill me, but yeah, okay. You’re lucky I love you so much.”

  “I love you too.” I hugged her. “And Cass?”

  “Yeah?”

  “If you’re going to call Grennan back, don’t tell him I’m here, okay?”

  “What the hell did that asshole do?”

  “Nothing,” I lied. He broke me as if I wasn’t broken already … as if my mind wasn’t crumbling before he smashed my heart. I couldn’t deal with him. But I still loved him, and I knew if he knew where I was, he’d chase me here. He’d cancel the rest of his tour, and I couldn’t let that happen. Not just for him, but for Gavin, Cody, and Trevor too. I also knew if I told Cassidy, she’d find him and castrate him, and I didn’t want that either.

  “Then why shouldn’t I tell him? He’s worried out of his mind.”

  “Just trust me, okay?” She nodded. “You can tell him I’m okay, but you don’t know where I am. Tell him I needed to clear my head. That’s technically true. And I told you I was taking some time to myself. That’s also technically true.”

  “You’re my best friend, Brook. I’ll do whatever you say.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Now, let’s go eat dinner. I’m starving, and your mom cooked.” I couldn’t help but laugh.

  I wasn’t sure how I made it through the dinner, seeing as I was still a mess inside and out, but somehow, I survived. I plastered a smile on my face to make my parents and Cassidy feel better. I wasn’t sure it worked, but they knew to leave it alone.

  I even had the strength to have a similar talk with my parents about Grennan should he call after Cassidy went home. He hadn’t yet, but I was sure that was because he feared what their reaction would be.

  I fell asleep that night, but just before I drifted off, I saw Jourdan’s face smiling at me, her eyes mocking mine. So just to add to my already crazy, that was when I became obsessed with Jourdan.

  Grennan

  I couldn’t find her. I whispered I’d find her, told the air not to worry, but I didn’t. I searched everywhere, but I couldn’t find her. I had run around like a madman, looking in every fucking corner, every closet, even some tiny ass cabinets. I didn’t know what I thought when I did that, but I was desperate. People were calling my name, following me, asking me if I was okay. No, I wasn’t okay. I didn’t answer them, or maybe I did. Maybe it was something like, “Where’s Brook?”

  The best lead I had was from Paul, but he was talking crazy, things I didn’t have time for. I knew she would have found some place to be alone, but where?

  “Gren, slow the fuck down and tell us what happened,” Gavin’s voice finally broke through my thoughts. I looked, really looked, and saw Cody and Trevor next to him, all staring at me with concern.

  “I can’t find her.”

  “We figured that out when you were shouting at anything that moved to find Brook,” he responded with a wry smile. “Now, tell us what happened.”

  So I did. I told them I asked her to move in with me; I told them she freaked out; I told them about Kathleen and what Brook saw or what she probably thought she saw; I even told them about Paul’s crazy words.

  “Seems like a pretty productive day,” Cody tried to joke, but it was strained.

  “So where the hell did she go?” I asked them.

  “I’m not sure why she freaked out when you asked her to move in with you, but it’s a big step, so you can’t blame her. You can talk to her about that when everything else is sorted out,” Gavin told me. “As far as Kathleen, you really can’t blame her for being hurt. You just asked her to move in with you and then she finds you with another girl.”

  “I wasn’t with another girl,” I yelled.

  “Chill,” Trevor said. “Gav isn’t saying you were. He’s saying it’s what it looked like.”

  “I fucking know all this already,” I yelled again. “You’re not helping me.”

  “We’re just trying to analyze the situation,” Trevor responded.

  “Okay, look,” Gavin started. “She’s hurt, and rightfully so, so she ran. Despite all my concerns and shit, it’s obvious she fucking loves you. She just needs some time right now. When she calms down, you can explain everything to her, and you’ll be fine. We’ll even back you up if you want.” Cody and Trevor nodded.

  “I can’t let her calm down. I need to find her. Where is she?”

  “She obviously doesn’t want you to find her right now. But she couldn’t have gotten far.”

  “So help me look for her.”

  “We have a show in a couple of minutes,” Cody pointed out.
r />   “Fuck the show,” I responded.

  “Dude,” Trevor said in his what the fuck are you thinking voice. “We have thousands of fans out there who paid to see us.”

  “She’s my future!” I roared. “I need to make things right.”

  “And you will, but you can’t let your fans down. You can’t let us down,” Gavin told me.

  I didn’t care if it made me an asshole to admit that I didn’t give one shit about the fans at that moment. I would let them down a hundred times over if it meant finding Brook and fixing things with her right that instant. But when Gavin added letting my guys down, something inside me knew I’d have to let Brook hide away from me for the next couple of hours.

  “We’ll help you look for her right after the show,” Trevor told me.

  I nodded, defeated.

  The show was me going through the motions. Gavin had to step in and sing a couple of lines here and there whenever I faltered.

  “Sorry, everyone, our boy here is feeling a bit under the weather,” he said between songs. “But he knew the show must go on, so you get to hear my kickass voice more than usual.” He laughed, and the crowd cheered. I nodded gratefully at him.

  They picked up my slack, but I could tell that even they weren’t in their usual spirits. We didn’t do an encore; we just ran off the stage. I tried dialing her several more times, but her phone went to voicemail.

  “Did you check outside?” Cody asked.

  “No. Why the fuck would I check outside?”

  “You didn’t think that maybe she needed to get away? Maybe get some air even.”

  I felt like the world’s biggest idiot at that moment. Of course, she wouldn’t have stayed inside in some little crevice. She had probably gone somewhere where she could be alone.

  “The bus,” I whispered

  “You check the bus, and we’ll search the surroundings.” I nodded and ran off.