Shape of My Life

by DC Renee

  “Oh, and like you’d stick around and watch?”

  “Oh, hell no,” she said louder than she probably wanted to as she waved her hand around. “I would have grabbed the bitch by her hair, swung her around like the skanky rag doll she was, and bashed her into every piece of furniture I could find. And when I was done with her, I’d knee Grennan in the nuts and make him explain shit to me on his knees after I screamed at him that he was a two-timing piece of trash. But, hey, that’s me. I expected more from you,” she added with a chuckle.

  It was safe to say we were both rolling on the floor laughing after that.

  I also spent the time at home preparing to move. I was expecting some commentary from everyone when I announced I was moving in with Grennan, which meant my new home would be New York. Instead, everyone was thrilled about it. I think my parents thought being around Grennan was good for me, and I was sure they figured a new environment would be better. Cassidy just turned to Grennan and said, “You drinking the milk for free? I expect wedding bells soon.” How had I gotten so lucky with a best friend who was probably better than most sisters were?

  And the coolest part? Grennan didn’t even flinch. I think I might have even seen him nod. Talk about swooning.

  My parents hadn’t decided what they would do yet. They’d probably keep the home and even the shop, but they’d use it as a vacation home. Cassidy had taken about a day before she told us all she was moving to New York.

  “Where you go, I go. We stick together. Sisters by right.” Yeah, my best friend was the shit. I secretly think she probably felt the need to go where I went to continue to protect me. I didn’t think I needed it, but maybe she did. Maybe it was hard to give up something that was a part of you. I understood that.

  And then it was finally time to move. I kissed my parents and Cassidy goodbye. She had a few work commitments she had to take care of and planned to move to New York in a couple of weeks.

  Grennan had hired a company to situate everything I took with me, but I still wanted my hand in some little things. I added some pictures, hung some paintings, and rearranged my clothes, shoes, and toiletries. It took almost the whole day, and then we were beat. We spent the next two days enjoying the fact that we lived together. This time, we didn’t leave the room because we couldn’t leave the bed, or the shower, or the couch, or the dining room table. Oh yeah, the table was fun … twice. Okay, three times, but I sterilized it afterward. Promise.

  And then things got back to normal. Grennan hadn’t wanted to go back to working on songs, but I convinced him I would be okay. I took that time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life because I still wasn’t sure. Music had been so important for so long, and then I just gave it up, but the last several months had proven that nothing was ever gone. It was still a part of me, just hidden deep down inside. With the right motivation, it came out like the rays of the sun, just streaming in every which direction. I wanted whatever I did to stay in the music industry, but I wasn’t sure how I could manage that.

  “Write songs for other artists,” Grennan responded one day when I was musing to myself. “You’re damn good at it. People will want to hear your stuff. But, of course, we’ll get first dibs,” he said as he popped a chip in his mouth.

  “Yeah, maybe,” I responded, but secretly, that had been what I had been thinking about. I just didn’t know how to do that. I knew I’d figure it out eventually. I didn’t have to rush into it.

  Aside from desperately avoiding Grennan’s friends for the next two weeks, things were going great. I had remembered who I was and aside from the initial freak-out, I was doing okay. I had parents who loved me beyond reason, a best friend who felt more like family and would be moving just a few blocks down from me that week, and a boyfriend who I knew was it for me, and I felt confident enough to say I was sure I was it for him too. It was almost too good to be true; I felt like I should have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Except both shoes … and the socks, jeans, shirt, even the jacket had already dropped several times over, so I wasn’t worried. I was finally getting my happily ever after. Everyone deserved it, and for some people, it came at a harsher price than it did for others. I had already paid my dues, and now, I was collecting. One ticket to bliss, please. Nope, no round trip—one way was fine. Oh, free upgrade to first class? Why thank you. Did I want a drink? Sure, I’d take an apple martini with a slice of Grennan inside.

  Yeah, I was so happy I had turned into a dork.

  And then finally, Grennan convinced me to face my only fear left—the three stooges—Gavin, Cody, and Trevor.

  Grennan thought dinner at one of the spots we visited often would make me feel at ease.

  “Brook, I swear, they love you. They’re happy you’re doing great, and they’re happy for me, for us.”

  I was nervous regardless. And then I saw them walk into the restaurant with all their swagger and confidence, and the butterflies in my stomach turned into buzzing bees trying to find honey where there was none.

  And just when I was trying to figure out how to run, Gavin wrapped me in his arms. “I’m glad you’re okay. We were really worried about you.”

  And then Cody hugged me. “It totally sucked not having you around to take care of us.”

  And last was Trevor. “Please don’t run off again. Having Gren bitch and moan was not fun.”

  And either the bees disappeared or they found their honey and left my poor stomach alone.

  “I’m really sorry, guys,” I told them once we were seated and the waiter had taken our order. “It’s just that with everything that was going on, I didn’t have the capacity in my mind to even hear Grennan out. I know I let you guys down too when I left. And I’m sorry for hurting your best friend in the process and how that affected you all.”

  “Brook, babe, it’s all right. We totally get it,” Gavin said.

  “Shit, I can only imagine what you went through. Fuck, we love Gren, but you needed to take care of yourself; we understand.” When Cody wanted to be sweet, he could be really sweet and deep. I attributed it to having a younger sister. By default, he understood women a little better than the other two guys did.

  “Seriously, we were never upset. We felt bad for Gren, sure, but we just wanted to know you were okay. But after knowing what we know now, we totally can’t blame you for falling off the face of the earth. I probably would have too,” Trevor responded.

  “All right, now that we got all that out of the way, no more depressing shit, right?” Gavin asked, and we all nodded and smiled. And just like that, everything was back to normal. They weren’t Grennan’s bandmates or his friends; they were my friends too. They were the guys who made way too many sexual innuendos, the guys who teased Grennan for being whipped, and the guys who hit on me in front of Grennan just to get a rise out of him.

  The evening was perfect, and I hadn’t realized just how much I missed them.

  It was after we had already paid and left the restaurant and were just standing around outside near our cars that the night went to shit.

  Brooklyn

  “Hey, so Gren finally got the girl of his dreams,” Cody had said as if he just realized Grennan and I were dating. It was both an odd statement and sweet at the same time.

  “I hope he thinks that way,” I responded with a smile.

  “Of course, he does. He’s been pining away for you forever.”

  “We haven’t even been together for a year yet,” I responded, slightly confused by his statement.

  I looked at Grennan, and I could see he was looking baffled too.

  “Yeah, but even before that.”

  “At the party we met at?” I asked, still not getting him.

  “Shit, why the fuck can’t I get this out right?” Cody asked. “Gav, help me out here. What am I trying to say?”

  “You’re the reason my man here is even into music.” He slapped Grennan’s shoulder. “You’re why he’s where he’s at now. Man, you can’t imagine how many times I had to li
sten to him go on and on about you; how he’s going to see you again and impress you, and you’ll ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after with little musical babies.”

  “Yeah, yeah, exactly,” Cody added. “You’re his teenage fantasy, and here you are—a reality.”

  I wasn’t sure at what point in Gavin’s recollections I realized what he was talking about, but after Cody was done, I stopped listening. I knew … I mean I really honestly knew, but I didn’t … what’s the right word? I didn’t realize it.

  Grennan had told me about Jourdan, about his connection to Jourdan, about his connection to me. Truth be told, his memories of our past moments together hadn’t been as significant to me as they were to him. But I should have known. I mean I did. God. This wasn’t happening. I wasn’t that Jourdan, but I was.

  I was Grennan’s Jourdan almost as much as I was his Brooklyn. No, I was more his Jourdan than his Brooklyn. As Jourdan, I had shaped his world, influenced him to be who he was now, encouraged him to reach for the musical stars. I was more than that. I was who he had strived to be, and who he wanted to be with. Who he was, in a sense, obsessed with.

  Of all the things my mind had blasted me with over the course of the last few months—the little tidbits of knowledge, the flashes of the past, and then the overwhelming sensation of memories flooding my mind—not once did my mind put two-and-two together when it came to the woman Grennan talked about and me. Why? Why hadn’t it? I could have physically slapped myself on the forehead and said, “Duh.”

  If for nothing else, I should have figured it out since he knew where to find me when I was lost in my memories. It wasn’t Brooklyn’s spot; it was Jourdan’s. Grennan would only know that from my past life, not from the present.

  But that realization wasn’t what had my body stiffening, my posture becoming rigid, my laughter forced, and my words saying I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and needed to get home. It was Grennan.

  I’d had enough scenes in my life to last a lifetime, so I didn’t need another one. I thanked the guys for a lovely night while putting on my best fake smile before we headed out.

  Grennan tried to talk in the car on the way home, but I gave him short, one-word answers.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Fine.”

  “You’re barely speaking.”

  “Tired.”

  “Is something wrong?”

  “No.”

  My plan was to gather a couple of things once we got home and leave. I wasn’t sure why I thought there would be less drama that way than if we went at it in the car, but that was what my mind was saying.

  And I did just that the minute we walked inside.

  “What are you doing?” Grennan asked.

  “Getting my things.”

  “I can see that, but why?”

  “Because you … you … God, I can’t even look at you right now,” I screamed.

  “What the hell, Brook?” Grennan asked, his voice just as angry as mine. He reached out to try to grab me, but I moved away. “Tell me what’s going on.”

  “I’m Jourdan!” I yelled.

  “Yeah, we figured that out a little while ago,” he responded dryly and then a worried expression came over his face as he tried to reach out to me again. “Are you okay? Did you remember something else?”

  “I’m your Jourdan,” I told him.

  “Yeah, Brook, you are.”

  “No!” I yelled and then I started singing lightly.

  I alone love you

  I alone tempt you

  I alone love you

  Fear is not the end of this

  “That was the song. We sang that song together. I’m that Jourdan. I’m the reason you’re who you are.”

  “You remember,” Grennan whispered almost in awe. “I mean I told you about that. And I know you have your memories back, but you remember that. You remember us.”

  “How long have you known?” I asked.

  “What?”

  “I asked you how long you’ve known!” I yelled, my voice cracking with the anguish I was feeling.

  What had me upset was that it was impossible for him to not have known it was me. Of all the ridiculous coincidences and far-fetched parts of my life, what were the odds that Grennan found me at a party, pursued me like I was the strings to his guitar, and fell in love with me by pure chance? Some roadie in his band saw the resemblance I shared to my former self, and he didn’t know me? Grennan had finally found the girl he had longed for and preyed on my lack of memories. That had to be it because it wasn’t possible that fate threw us together in such a perfect way.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You knew all along who I was, didn’t you? You saw me and recognized me and kept me in the dark. You played me. You played with my emotions and my feelings just so you could be with your precious Jourdan.” It was weird to talk about myself as if I was someone else, but to me, I was. Jourdan was my past, and Brooklyn was my present and future.

  “What are you talking about?” he asked.

  “You knew this entire time, and you lied to me! You kept it from me! Why? Why?” I repeated.

  “Brook, listen to yourself. How the hell would I have known?” he asked as he walked closer to me, but I continued to step back. “I figured it out after you ran away. I told you that already.”

  “Impossible! You had to know.”

  “I swear to you, Brook. And I’ve never lied to you before.”

  “Maybe you did, and I just don’t know.”

  “Listen to your heart, not your mind. I’ve never lied to you, and I’m not lying now. I swear to you that I only figured it out when you took off on me.”

  “Then how out of every person on the planet did we end up together? You and the girl you were searching for all your life.”

  “I don’t know, Brook, but I thank my lucky stars every moment for you. I thank whoever or whatever the hell helped us come together.” He had put his hands up in surrender. I didn’t like feeling like I was some kind of attacker. I pulled my purse in front of me as if it were a shield. I wasn’t on the offense. He was. I was the victim.

  “I promise I didn’t know, but think about it. Had I known and not said anything, why would that be a bad thing? You wanted to forget, right? Your parents and Cassidy knew, but they didn’t tell you so you could continue living this life.”

  “So what, you were in cahoots with my parents?” I sneered.

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake. I didn’t fucking know! It was a shock to me too, all right? I’m just saying even if I had, I probably would have kept it from you anyway.”

  “Then why didn’t you admit you knew when I figured it all out?” I asked. He had a point about not telling me, but my parents and Cassidy didn’t lie about knowing it the entire time. Grennan had.

  “You’re not listening to me. Fuck, I shouldn’t have brought that up. It was hypothetical. I found out who you were right before I came after you. I swear on all that I hold dear—my music, my family, my friends, and you, most importantly, you.”

  “But then how?” I whispered. “How did you pick me?”

  He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “Okay, I admit I was drawn to you because of some of the resemblances I saw to Jourdan, most notably your eyes. I hadn’t ever seen eyes like that before or after, and when I saw you, I was intrigued. But that’s where it ended. It was just what got me wanting to get to know you better. But once I did, it was all you, only you.”

  Like before, I wanted to believe him. I needed to. “You promise?” I asked, his words and his story making perfect sense, forcing my defenses to crumble.

  “Brook, I’d hurt myself before I hurt you. And knowing this and lying to you about it would hurt you. You don’t realize how much I love you. I’d never do anything to jeopardize that. Please believe me.” He took slow, deliberate steps toward me as he spoke. I didn’t move.

  When he was right in front of me, I let my purse fall to the floor along wi
th the few clothing items I had gathered before we got into a fight. I lifted my hands and put them around his neck. I looked into his eyes and said the words he was waiting for. “I believe you.”

  Grennan

  I pulled my arms around Brook and lifted her up, forcing her legs to wrap around me as my lips collided with hers. I was hungry for her. I almost couldn’t take any more drama … almost. I’d take it all if it meant I got to be with her, touch her, taste her, but I was human, and I was at a breaking point. I needed to be with her to know this was real, she was real, we were real.

  I walked her to the bedroom, our lips moving together as if performing a beautiful ballet. At that moment, we were more in sync than we ever had been before.

  “God, I love you,” I told her as I laid her down on the bed. “And I meant what I said. I am so fucking thankful to whatever supernatural, spiritual, cosmic, or whatever fucking forces brought us together. I wouldn’t change one minute of it. Not. One. Damn. Minute.” I emphasized every word as if they were separate sentences.

  “I know,” she whispered, and that was enough.

  We made love for hours. We had made love before, plenty of times, but let’s face it, most of the time, we had sex. Pure, carnal, lustful sex. It was amazing as all hell, but it wasn’t making love. And each time we did, it was otherworldly, some kind of magical, like our bodies were meant for some higher purpose. Call me a poet, a lyricist, a singer, but when we made love, our bodies actually sang, a perfect duet, with all the right keys, hitting the high notes, harmony like you’d never heard before.

  Making love to Brook was like being high on every drug imaginable and feeling only the greatest side effects at the same time. I was out of my body, way deep inside my body, in my mind, my heart, my very soul, and it was all one with hers.

  That night, though, something was even deeper between us. Like we had stripped each other bare of every last morsel of untruth, and all that was left were two vulnerable people needing each other to be strong. I had known I would spend the rest of my life with Brook for a long time, but at that moment, I knew I’d die if I didn’t.