‘Still, I’d like to ask.’ Griff’s intuition was telling him Tess would want to be involved. ‘And I’d like to ask Dad, too. He was fond of Ozzy. Do you think he’d come?’
‘Your father’s a law unto himself. He went out to lunch with Imogen, so anything is possible.’ Evie swung her legs round the end of the bench so she was facing out, leaned back, and propped herself up with her elbows.
The pose gave definition to her breasts.
Lost for a moment in a wild fantasy of taking Evie right there, Griff inhaled a fresh, purifying breath, and redistributed his energy. ‘Do you think she’d mind if we stole him away on her second day on the job?’
‘She’s his carer, not his wife.’ Evie thrust forward. If she’d had any weight to her, the entire unit of the table and benches would have rocked with the force. ‘She’s not even related.’
Griff backed away and held up both hands. ‘Steady on.’ It took intense pressure for Evie to work up a head of steam. It was rare to see her angry. ‘Why’s Imogen got you rattled?’
Evie sighed, left her seat and extended a hand to Griff. ‘Can we walk? I need to talk to you about something … about lots of things, really, and I realise this isn’t the best time or the most appropriate place, but if I don’t tell you now, and there are consequences, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.’
This was serious. Griff was on his feet in an instant. He grabbed the urn and dropped it into his pocket. ‘Walk,’ he said, forging a course to Tess and Dylan. ‘We’ll talk.’
Twenty minutes later, his head spinning with Imogen’s lies, insinuations and veiled threats, Griff sunk onto the swing next to Tess. Practising discretion, he monitored her arms as she pushed forward and fell back. Her coat was doing its job of keeping her covered.
Evie had given him plenty to think about, his main concern being Tess, and the intimation she was harming herself. Evie was equally as shocked, but she’d had the benefit of an evening’s online research. Not that it had reassured her.
‘There are so many sites,’ she’d said. ‘And there are all these people posting messages and questions, desperate to reach out, desperate for someone to hear them, and I’m thinking, is that what Tess is doing? Has her past damaged her … have I damaged her so much she’s had to reach out to someone distinctly unconnected to Neil? Is that why she’s confided in Imogen?’
Griff had no answers and the questions crashing through his head would only add to Evie’s anxiety.
He kick-started his swing and set a rhythm to fall in with Tess.
‘I’m surprised your hips fit,’ she said, propelling her legs in front.
‘It’s snug,’ Griff conceded, trying to catch up, the frame complaining and creaking in time with his efforts.
‘I’m not sure it can take your weight.’ Tess’s voice advanced and retreated as she shot past and flew back.
‘I’m not sure, either.’ Griff forced out a smile, and ran his feet along the black, spongy floor, bringing his swing to an abrupt halt. ‘Maybe I’ll just sit.’
He saluted Dylan and Evie, who were taking a placid approach to the roundabout.
She’d said there was more to tell, but having reached the playground, the conversation had stopped. What more could there be? Griff had learned of Tess’s issues, heard of Imogen’s strange, and whacky plan to cut Evie out of the new care schedule, and rightly or wrongly, been amused by Imogen’s story of her and Griff being a couple. His laugh, though derisory, had scored him a reproachful scowl from Evie.
‘Oh, come on,’ he’d said, finding himself walking alone. ‘I know you don’t believe her. She’s winding you up. Having a little fun at your expense.’
The fleeting attraction towards Imogen he experienced in the Harbour Inn counted for nothing. He was the only person aware of it and it had faded as rapidly as it had developed. It hadn’t crossed his mind since. It was an aberration and one he had no desire to repeat.
‘Evie,’ he’d pleaded. ‘It’s cold without you.’ He’d opened his arms and she’d relented, cuddling into his body. ‘I don’t know what Imogen’s game is,’ he’d said, ‘but she’s not the malicious sort. Perhaps she thinks she’s helping you by being a friend to Tess. And to be fair, if she’s right about Tess harming herself, we should be thanking her for telling us.’
He was with Evie on the topic of Tess’s sexuality, however. It was no one’s business but Tess’s and he was upset Imogen had taken it upon herself to out her, even though Evie said she wasn’t surprised by the news.
‘How are you getting on with Imogen?’ he asked as Tess brought her swing to a gentle stop.
‘She’s a bit full-on, but I like her. And she gets muddled easily, which I find funny.’
‘Muddled?’
‘Yeah. Says one thing one minute and contradicts it the next. I reckon it’s all those aroma stick things she uses at work. Fogged her brain.’ Tess climbed off the swing. ‘I’m going to push the roundabout for Dylan. I’ll send Mum over.’
Tess baffled him. She was chilled and happy, engaging with him, chatting about Ozzy, enquiring, inquisitive. Was it all a front? If she did self-harm, where did she do it and with what?
Her bedroom was the likely answer to where, and she did spend a lot of time there, but that was part and parcel of being a teenager. They liked their own company, especially Tess. When they’d first met she’d made that clear, impressing upon Griff that her room was private and he was to keep out. He’d have fixed that squeaky floorboard by now if it wasn’t for the fact its repaired state of silence would inform Tess of his unlawful entry.
She had panicked the other day when he’d knocked on her door. It was the day she’d come home from school upset. What was that about?
‘Hey.’ Evie took Tess’s vacated swing. ‘What are you thinking?’
‘If it’s true, she hides it well.’
‘She does.’ Evie wrapped her arms around the metal chains and linked her fingers together. ‘My understanding is it’s not about attention seeking otherwise she wouldn’t cover up. She’d make it obvious, like Neil did. Is it possible finding him with his arm slashed has embedded the idea in her brain? It says on the web, cutting’s a symptom of an underlying issue, and Tess has been carrying all this unresolved stuff around in her head for years.’
‘I don’t know. I’m as lost as you. But we’ll work it out. As a family.’ Griff reached across the divide and brushed his hand on Evie’s cheek. ‘Don’t start blaming yourself.’ She was doing that already, it was obvious. ‘I think the first thing is not to overreact. We can carry on researching, we can speak to the doctor and we can learn how to help.’ It was all he had, but it was constructive and it was positive. ‘In the meantime, we should establish whether or not Imogen is telling the truth.’
His instinct was spurring him into questioning Imogen’s integrity, and his opinion of the woman he’d known since childhood was shifting. He’d believed everything Evie had said about her, but he’d been certain there was an explanation for Imogen’s actions. Now, with Tess using the words muddled and contradicts in her description, he was having second thoughts. ‘I’ve a funny suspicion Imogen could be playing us for a pair of fools,’ he said. ‘I just wish I knew why.’
Up until then, Evie had been swaying as if blown by a gentle breeze. ‘I might be able to answer that.’ Still holding the chains within her arms, she bowed her head and let it drop onto her hands.
‘Go on.’ It was unlike Evie not to look at Griff while speaking with him. She hadn’t averted her eyes when she’d told him about Neil, or half an hour ago when they were discussing Imogen and Tess, and they were difficult conversations. ‘Evie? You have to tell me now, whatever it is.’
‘I know.’ Her sleeves muffled her voice. ‘Are the children okay?’
Griff gave Tess a thumbs-up, which she returned once she’d popped Dylan on the end of the playground see-saw. She was lifting him up and down, telling him to jump every time his feet touched the floor. She was laughin
g and Dylan was giggling. ‘They’re good,’ Griff said. ‘Now, look at me and tell me what you know.’
Raising her head and freeing her arms of the chains, Evie straightened her back and began. ‘This is something I’ve wanted to tell you from the start.’
‘Okay.’ Griff maintained an open posture, his feet as wide apart as the swing allowed, and his hands resting on his knees – anything to ease Evie’s journey. ‘The start of what?’
‘The start of our troubles.’ She bit down on her lip. ‘I’ve never stopped loving you, and I never wanted us to be apart, you knew that, didn’t you? Despite the curve balls I threw.’
‘We covered that the other day.’ Griff dipped his head and smiled. He wanted Evie to keep going until everything, whatever that turned out to be, was out there. ‘Nothing can be worse than what you’ve already told me.’
‘This isn’t about me, though. This is about Logan.’ Evie paused and filled her lungs. ‘And you.’
Chapter Thirty-Four
Evie
She’d promised herself she’d follow Griff’s lead on the matter of Logan and his request, but Imogen had forced her hand and they were indeed being played for fools.
The risk of telling Griff was colossal. He and Evie had taken significant steps in reconciling, but it was early days and the weight of the truth could destroy them more completely and more conclusively than the deceit of keeping the secret.
She toyed with the last button on her coat. Its cool, smooth surface provided a calming sensation. Drawing strength from the feeling, Evie composed herself and proceeded.
‘Before Christmas, Logan asked me to consider a proposal. He asked if I would be a witness for his Advance Decision.’
‘He has a directive? Like … a living will?’ Griff’s knees closed together and he clutched his hands across his chest.
‘He has, and I signed it.’ Evie took another steadying breath. ‘We’ve lodged a copy with Logan’s solicitor, there’s one in his medical files, Logan has a copy, and so do I. Should it come into play, I’ve promised to ensure his instructions are followed by the health care professionals.’ She was aware her words had fallen faster and heavier than a rainstorm and she and Griff would need shelter. ‘This is wrong,’ she said. ‘It’s selfish of me to do this now. We should go home. I’ll get the children.’ This was a conversation to be had in private, not in the middle of a park.
‘No.’ Griff indicated for her to stay where she was. ‘What are my father’s instructions?’
Evie scored a finger around the inside of one of the chain links while she considered the pros and cons of finishing what she’d started.
‘Evie. Tell me.’
The stern plea pushed her into replying.
‘No invasive tubes, no life support, no resuscitation.’ There was more detail to the document, but nothing that would make a difference to its overall meaning. Giving Griff time to absorb the information, Evie constructed the next part of her confession. When Griff had finished massaging his forehead, she continued. ‘Logan asked me to keep the information to myself.’
‘Because he knew I’d raise objections.’
‘In his defence, it was his decision to make and his private business. He’d thought long and hard who to ask to be a witness. My name wasn’t top of the list.’
Griff’s hands unlocked. ‘Mine was?’
Evie nodded. ‘He said his greatest wish was to have his son at his side when it was time to go, but with your views on keeping the living alive, he assumed you would, as you said, voice your objections. Things were already strained between you and he didn’t want to risk another massive falling-out, so he asked me.’ Every word was true, but Evie feared every pause between was taking her a breath nearer to losing Griff.
His head was in his hands now, and he was ruffling his fingers through his hair. ‘He said that? His greatest wish was to have me beside him when he dies?’
That wasn’t the part Evie thought he’d pick up on. And there was no anger in his tone. There was genuine esteem. ‘He’s never given up on you.’
Still bent double, Griff looked up. ‘Why didn’t you tell me this the other day?’
Evie alighted from the swing, glanced across to the children who had moved onto a small climbing structure, then knelt at Griff’s feet. ‘I felt our souls had searched enough for one afternoon.’
‘Is there more?’
‘Yes.’ If she didn’t get through this quickly, there was the danger she’d not get through it at all. ‘I need to just tell you straight, Griff. Let me speak, let me explain myself and if you walk away, I’ll understand. It’s not what I want, but I promise, I will understand.’
He held her face, brought her lips to his and kissed her, long and deep, and with intent, his mouth, his hands, his passion sending the message he loved her and always would.
Evie knew his kiss was given to provide her with courage, but as they broke away, she had a disquieting notion it would be the last they’d share.
She closed her eyes and prepared for the worse.
‘Separate to his living will, your father asked something else of me.’ She heard Griff draw breath. She opened her eyes, and gently shook her head, cutting him off before he said anything. ‘Since he lost your mum, he’s not been happy. Not really. Marilyn was the love of his life, we both know that.’ She swallowed. ‘He’s going through the motions of daily living, but with his body failing, he’s struggling to find a purpose in being here. He asked me that when he decides to go …’ She rubbed her hands together and took a shuddering breath. ‘He asked if I would be there and …’ She looked at Griff and saw her sorry state reflecting in his sad, brown eyes. It wasn’t fright stealing her words.
She tried again. ‘He asked if I would be there … and make sure he …’ She clasped a hand to her mouth. ‘I can’t. I can’t tell you.’ Her throat ached with raw emotion, and her chest compacted with pain and a grief she knew was to come. She stopped speaking and started shaking.
Griff leapt off his swing, heaved her into his arms, and pressed her head into his body.
His embrace stitched every fibre of her being together.
‘I get it,’ he said. ‘I understand.’
‘Please don’t hate your father.’
‘I don’t hate him.’
‘Don’t hate me,’ she whispered. She was hugged tighter still. ‘I thought about it, Griff. I thought about helping him. I know what true unhappiness is. I know what it is to wake up to fear, to loneliness. I had days when I wished I wasn’t here. But I had a baby. I had Tess. And her survival was my priority. Your dad …’
‘You were carrying this on your shoulders?’ Griff laid his cheek on Evie’s head.
‘I couldn’t tell anyone. It was too risky. And I couldn’t tell you for all sorts of reasons, but I didn’t want to lie to you either. The guilt … every time I looked at you … I couldn’t deal with it, so I thought it best to create some distance between us, just until I’d decided what to do.’ She remained in his hold, comforted by the protection it afforded and the reassurance it provided. ‘I didn’t know why you and Logan fought, not then, but I knew how proud he was … is of you. How much he loves you. I’d got it into my head that if I told you about his plan, you’d be so completely devastated, it would finish you, and you’d want nothing more to do with him. I couldn’t let that happen. You’re too important to each other.’
‘You’re the most important person to me. I can’t live without you.’
Griff’s voice vibrated right through Evie.
‘And your dad doesn’t feel he can live without Marilyn. If I was a braver person, I’d have said yes to helping him, but in the end I told him I wouldn’t do it. I don’t know why it took me so long to reach a decision. Maybe it was more to do with my inability to say no.’
Neil had conditioned that into her.
‘And because you’ve lived it, Evie. You have empathy. It’s one of the reasons I love you. I wish I’d known. I’d never have le
ft. We’d have worked something out together.’
‘If we’d have told you, you’d have gone ballistic.’
‘Maybe, but you and I wouldn’t have spent months apart.’
‘But you and your father would. There’d have been two rifts to repair, and Logan was so desperate to make his peace with you, he wasn’t going to involve you.’ Evie felt Griff bend to look at her.
‘Do you know how much I love you?’ He kissed her forehead. ‘You have such an immense capacity to care. It scares me sometimes.’
‘It does?’
‘You put everyone’s needs above yours. If you can help someone, you will, but it’s often at your expense. I hate seeing people use you, Evie. No has as much power as yes.’ He tucked her head under his chin. ‘I’m not happy about Dad putting all the responsibility onto you.’
‘He doesn’t see it like that,’ Evie said. ‘In his mind, he’s a burden to us. He said it was clear his needs were creating conflict, that he was taking me away from my family, from you, from our children …’ Hot and thirsty, and suddenly aware she was still in a playground with her children running towards her, Evie moved away from Griff, dried her eyes and forced herself to switch to mother mode. ‘I said we could sort that, we could find him other care, we’d hire professionals. He said it wasn’t another carer he needed. It was another accomplice.’
‘Imogen?’ Griff whispered.
Smoothing her coat down behind her legs, Evie crouched as Dylan hurtled into her arms. ‘According to her, she and Logan had a long chat about life and death. I think he’s asked for her help.’
Griff made a face at his son, while he addressed Evie. ‘Why didn’t you mention this first thing?’
This had to be one of the most bizarre moments in Evie’s history. Her life was in chaos, yet everything around her was normal. Children were playing in the park, paper kites were flying in the sky, and Dylan was blowing raspberries at his dad.
‘It was a bit like now,’ she said. ‘Surreal. I thought I must have got the wrong end of the stick, but the more I think about Imogen, the more I’m convinced she’s up to no good.’
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