‘You’re not incapable of it. Two minutes ago, you declared you have a heart.’
‘This isn’t helping, Joo.’ Victoria rubbed her eyes, watering from staring so intently at the carpet. She blinked them into action, and looked across the room. Juliette’s outward-turned monitor was in slumber mode, displaying a full-sized image of her four children, with Dan, splashing about in the sea. As Victoria’s vision improved, she was drawn to two figures in the background paddling through the shallow waves. One was tall and portly, the other short and slim, with a mass of curly hair. Victoria approached the monitor. ‘Who’s this?’ She pointed to the smaller figure.
Juliette joined her, looked and smiled. ‘Seth. And that’s Dad. We went to Weymouth for a few days last summer. Remember? You couldn’t make it, so we took Seth. Bit of a squeeze in Dad’s bungalow, but it was so warm, the boys camped in the garden.’
‘Seth camped?’ This was news to Victoria.
‘Oh, yes. Didn’t I say at the time? The girls and I stayed in the bungalow, but Seth slept in the tent with my Alex and Dan. Dad cooked tea for everyone on that single gas stove he used when we were children. Goodness knows how old that is.’ Juliette swivelled the screen to its normal position and stepped behind her desk. ‘It’s such a shame you weren’t there. Seth was very cute all wrapped up like a caterpillar. I’m surprised I haven’t shown you the photographs.’ She took her seat again and grasped the mouse. ‘I’ll find them now.’
Victoria responded with a distracted nod, revisited the window and studied the pedestrians below. The fact Juliette was reminiscing about Seth grated on her, but it was Victoria’s fault. If she applied the same energy to motherhood as she did for work, she’d have earned that memory for herself.
She closed her eyes, endeavouring to corral her thoughts, shepherd the good memories to the fore, to prove she too had happy times. She wanted to promote those moments she’d shared with Ben – their first kiss, his marriage proposal, Christmas at Klosters. Not one of them came.
Rejecting the image of Chris barging its way to the front, she attempted to recall Seth’s milestones. She scrunched her eyes tighter, putting the squeeze on her recollections, forcing them through the narrow tunnels of her mind, but she saw cavernous, black holes. She couldn’t unearth her son’s baby gurgles, first tooth, or his toddler steps, no matter how deep she explored. There was no trace. They did not exist.
With her composure threatening to split at the seams, she put her hands on the window, and leaned into them. As if choking on chalk, she swallowed down the sensations and they plummeted like lead bullets to the pit of her stomach.
Once she recovered her poise, she opened her eyes and squinted through the haze her breath had left on the glass. The world below was abstract with blurred shapes and blended colours, but as Victoria stepped back and the cloud shrunk, her view became clear and well defined. It was all about perspective.
‘Juliette?’ Her voice was soft and small. ‘Juliette?’ Stronger now. She twisted to meet her sister. ‘How do you rate me as a mother?’
There was a long silence before Juliette answered. ‘I understand work is important for you. In many ways, it defines you, but I also know being a working mum is hard. We’re not in a position to drop everything and run home to our children, however strong the desire. I suffer from ten types of guilt starting with leaving home before the children wake, to forgetting to ask what they ate for tea.’ Another lengthy pause. ‘Considering your situation, you do well.’
For Victoria, the reply was too calculated. ‘I don’t want diplomacy, Juliette. I want honesty. I’m not a good mother, am I?’ She noted Juliette was spinning her wedding ring around her finger. It was a sure sign she was uncomfortable with the moment. That was all the reply Victoria required. She held up her hand. ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.’ It was a horrible realisation that others perceived her as a poor excuse for a mother. She clutched at her stomach.
‘Victoria? You’re very pale.’
With her insides reacting to the maelstrom in her head, Victoria felt faint and nauseous and presented no resistance as Juliette guided her back to the sofa. With a gentle push on her shoulders, she sat, assumed the hunched recovery position and waited for the dizziness to settle.
Two distinct and unpleasant insights emerged from the darkness: Seth hated her and it was her fault. Instead of living life to the max as she once had, she’d invested her time in developing EweSpeak, and in the process, lost her husband and gained a son full of resentment. At some point, she’d made the decision to escape into the virtual world.
As she searched her memories for answers, one stood out: the night she and Chris Frampton made love on Chesil Beach. Was that her conscience suggesting betrayal was responsible for how she lived her life? She’d have to review that later. Right now, she had her son to think about. ‘I need to fix things with Seth, before it’s too late.’
‘What do you mean fix things?’ Juliette’s nose wrinkled. ‘What things?’
‘Everything. You heard him. He hates me.’
Juliette knelt at Victoria’s feet. ‘All children say stuff like that when they don’t get their own way. You’ve had a difficult day, that’s all.’
Victoria shook her head. ‘No. Every day is difficult.’ She blew hard air through her lips. ‘I need to distance myself from the business, and concentrate on my son. I don’t want to wake up one morning to find mine or Seth’s world destroyed by my short-sightedness.’
‘Victoria, you’re a visionary.’ Juliette jumped up, grabbed a sheet of paper from the desk, ripped it in four and scribbled money signs on each quarter. She let them fall like confetti onto the couch. ‘You took this scrap of an idea and turned it into a multi-million dollar business. How is that short-sighted?’
‘I’m not talking about EweSpeak. I’m talking about my son. I’ve been blind to his needs. Selfish.’ Admitting it didn’t appease Victoria’s guilt. So much for a problem shared … ‘This is important, Juliette. Put yourself in my shoes. What would you do?’
Juliette retreated to the coffee machine, paused, seemingly caught in thought, and then pressed the power button. ‘I have it easy, don’t I? Of course it’s important. You must go. How long do you think you’ll need?’ Not waiting for the drips of water to finish splashing into the drink, she withdrew the mug. ‘A week? A month?’
Victoria shrugged. It was pointless guessing. ‘Tell me how long it will take for me to get to know my son and I’ll give you a date.’
‘You don’t know?’
‘Nope.’
‘You always know.’ Juliette sipped her coffee. ‘You plan your life to the nth degree. You don’t do spontaneity.’
Victoria raised her eyebrows. ‘It’s caught me on the hop too, but it feels right.’ She shrugged again. This was all new to her. Winging it was Juliette’s speciality. ‘I’m the only parent Seth has. It’s time I behaved as one. I was given this most precious gift, and I let it slip through my fingers. Gone.’ She stared at the ragged strips of paper Juliette had written upon. ‘I love the protection EweSpeak provides, it’s my sanctuary, but I love Seth more, despite everything.’
‘I’m not sure I understand.’ Juliette’s face was crumpled; folded in on itself.
Victoria collected the four paper examples of empire building, scrunched them into rough balls and aimed them at the metal bin beside her desk. ‘No. Nor do I, but I can’t go on like this.’ She pointed to her bruised forehead and waited for Juliette’s reaction.
‘That wasn’t an accident?’ Calmer than Victoria expected.
‘Not exactly.’
‘Well, what?’ A definite rise in Juliette’s tone.
‘Seth was angry, he pushed me, and I fell onto the hooks.’
Juliette approached the Chesterfield. ‘Seth pushed you?’ She perched on the back. ‘He was angry, and he pushed you? But he’s four. It must have been an accident.’
‘The push was no accident. The whack to the head was
a bonus.’
‘How can you say that about your own child?’
‘Because it’s true. It’s happened before. Kicks to the shin, thumps to my back. Missiles. And sometimes, it bloody hurts.’
‘But he’s only four.’
‘I know. You’ve said that already.’ Victoria was losing patience. Juliette disbelieved her. This was the very reason she’d not mentioned it before. If her own sister thought she was lying, what chance did she stand telling others? ‘Forget it, Juliette. Forget I said anything. I thought I could talk to you. I thought you of all people would listen. More fool me.’
Victoria rose from the sofa, moved over to her desk, and sank on to the chair. Blindly, she rooted through her desk drawer, gathered a few items together, and dropped them into her bag. She stood, ready to leave. ‘I’ll be back for the board meeting, otherwise, consider me on sabbatical.’ She covered the distance from her desk to the door with determined speed, and snatched at the handle. ‘I’d prefer you didn’t discuss this with anyone.’ As she waited for confirmation to her request, she saw Juliette’s eyes glisten and her mouth tremble.
‘I’m sorry, Victoria. I had no idea. I realise Seth can be a handful, but to lash out so violently? I can’t imagine it. He’s never done it to me.’
‘That’s because he doesn’t hate you. Or wish you dead.’
‘He’s said that?’
Victoria nodded. ‘Even though he’s only four.’ She released her grip on the handle, and bowed her head. ‘I don’t know how to put things right, but I’m hoping time away will provide a bit of perspective.’
‘Where will you go?’
‘Dad’s. He always has an answer.’ Victoria gave a half-hearted laugh. ‘Not necessarily the right one, but he’s a good starting point.’
‘And Seth adores him,’ Juliette added.
‘Apparently.’ Visiting her father was another of Victoria’s shortcomings. She couldn’t recall the last time she’d driven to Weymouth. She must have taken Seth for a visit as a baby. ‘He’ll be surprised to see me. Us.’
‘He’ll be over the moon. And you’ll be the first to meet his new lady friend.’
The women stared at each other, before Victoria gave a tiny shake of her head. ‘That’ll be fun. I hope Seth behaves.’
Juliette stepped forward and embraced Victoria. ‘I’m so sorry it’s come to this. I should have helped you more.’
‘None of this is your doing, Joo. And you did try. You drove me round the bend with your helpful hints and subtle suggestions. Have you forgotten the arguments?’
The hug was abandoned and Juliette shook her head. ‘I should have stood my ground. Insisted I helped.’
‘It wouldn’t have made any difference. I wasn’t listening. I was too busy proving I was capable.’ Victoria released a low, drawn out sigh. ‘Nothing new there.’
‘Still, I wish you’d told me sooner.’
‘I wasn’t ready until today. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. Talking about it … Well, you know me. I like to work things out for myself.’ Victoria drew her sister to her and kissed the top of her head. ‘Right. I’ll be back to stick a rocket up the board’s fat backside, so don’t do anything daft.’ She pulled away and searched Juliette’s eyes. ‘It’s your vote, but use it wisely. Think about what I said. There’ll be members round that table who’ll see this as an opportunity to reduce costs and stamp on our authority. What’s left of it.’ The conniving bastards.
To continue reading, purchase from your favourite eBook store or visit here for details.
Where heroes are like chocolate – irresistible!
www.choc-lit.com
What Doesn't Kill You Page 37