by Jamie Beck
Jackson and his siblings had discussed the whole situation at length back in December and decided to find a way to put the past behind them for their mom’s sake. She’d wanted the whole family to remain intact, including Dad and Janet, so they were working on accepting the fact that life can be messy and ugly, but blood is blood. Family works shit out and forgives each other.
Jackson needn’t have worried about whether Gabby could handle his group. She might be young, but she was a tough survivor who handled his family like a champ.
“Gabby’s super cute, Jackson.” Cat elbowed him with a grin. “Bonus points for how she seems to be handling Dad and Janet.”
“No kidding.” He smiled, knowing that Gabby could handle almost anything.
After the christening, the family posed for photos. Jackson cradled Gracie in his arms. She smelled sweet and stared at him with her round, solemn eyes.
“She’s always calm with you,” Vivi complained. “It’s not fair.”
“It’s ’cause she knows I’ve got her back.” Jackson smiled at his niece, totally entranced by her.
“I’ve got her back, too!” Vivi laughed.
“Maybe I just smell better than you.” Jackson wiggled his brows. “Or she likes my deep voice, which is ten times better than all that baby-talk jibber jabber you and David do.”
“Gimme!” Cat held out her arms, impatient for her turn. She practically snatched the baby from Jackson, then brushed her nose against Gracie’s cheek. “You are the most precious girl in the whole wide world.”
“Not the most precious,” Hank said as he sidled up beside Cat.
Jackson shook Hank’s hand, happy that his sister had ended up with his best friend. Hank would faithfully take care of her, even when she turned into that hedgehog. They’d planned a small wedding for late summer, and had begun looking into surrogacy as an option to Cat’s infertility.
Jackson waved Gabby over. His dad and Janet followed her.
Cat leaned in. “You haven’t seen Janet since my engagement dinner, huh?”
“Nope.”
“You okay?” Cat asked.
Gabby had taught Jackson a lot, the most important lesson being to choose happiness. He knew each step he’d taken this fall had set him on the path toward one day having the family he wanted.
“Mom wanted us to be a family, so I’m going to force myself to be okay.” He slid his sister a glance. “If you can manage, so can I.”
Gabby shyly approached everyone, all of whom she’d met briefly before the service, but this was her first family event.
“Thanks so much for coming, Gabby.” Vivi hugged her. “I’m looking forward to getting to know you better. Jackson’s had such wonderful things to say about you and your son. Sit with me at lunch and tell me about this run-down house he’s renovating.”
“Everyone thought he was crazy to buy it, but he got it dirt cheap, and it’s going to be gorgeous when he’s finished.” Gabby winked at him, and he felt a surge of pride.
“He’s always had a good eye for design.” Vivi smiled. “We can’t wait to visit.”
“Any time, V.” Jackson wedged himself between the two women and wrapped an arm around Gabby’s shoulder. “Now, if you’ll excuse us a sec.”
He hustled Gabby away from the crowd. “You survived my dad and Janet.”
“They were very polite, actually. Only made one remark about my age, but I think Janet meant it as a compliment.”
“She is always trying to look your age instead of her own,” Jackson grumbled.
“Be nice. Let everyone move on and be happy.”
“I’m happy.” Jackson kissed her. “You happy?”
“Very.” She looked at Vivi, David, and Gracie. “You looked pretty comfortable holding your niece.”
“Maybe one day we’ll give Luc a little brother or sister.”
“Please, no more unwed pregnancies for me,” Gabby teased. “One’s my limit.”
“Okay. After a wedding, then.” He smiled and kissed her, certain of her place in his life.
“Pretty sure of yourself there for someone who hasn’t even asked what I want.”
“If you’re not interested,” he teased, “then I guess I won’t ever ask.”
Gabby slapped his shoulder. “Don’t joke about marriage. That’s not nice.”
“Who said I was nice?” He tickled her side.
Gabby gave him a sidelong glance, so he let her off the hook. He leaned close and whispered in her ear. “I’m not going to ask you here at the christening in front of my whole family, but I will be asking.”
Her smile lit up the church and he almost wished he had the ring in his pocket. “Maybe I should leave you guessing a little while longer. I hate to be so boring and predictable.”
“Just keep on being exactly who you are.” He hugged her, making a vow right there before the altar. “That’s all I’ll ever need.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I have many people to thank for helping me bring the St. James family to all of you, not the least of which include my family and friends for their continued love, encouragement, and support.
Thanks, also, to my agent, Jill Marsal, as well as to my patient editors Chris Werner and Krista Stroever, and the entire Montlake family for believing in me, and working so hard on my behalf.
A special thanks to Angela Lafrenz, a fan and nurse practitioner, who answered all of my questions about stroke victims. To the extent I’ve made mistakes, they are mine alone! Also, many thanks to Chris Glabach of Vermont Escapes, who graciously described the ins and outs of running a home-caretaking business in the Stratton, Vermont area.
My Beta Babes (Christie, Siri, Katherine, Suzanne, Tami, and Shelley) are the best, always providing invaluable input on various drafts of this manuscript. Also, thanks to Heidi Ulrich for the hours she spent critiquing the story.
And I can’t leave out the wonderful members of my CTRWA chapter (especially my MTBs, Jamie Pope, Jamie Schmidt, Jane Haertel, Denise Smoker, Heidi Ulrich, Jen Moncuse, Tracy Costa, Linda Avellar, Katy Lee, and Gail Chianese). Year after year, all of the CTRWA members provide endless hours of support, feedback, and guidance. I love and thank them for it as well.
Finally, and most importantly, thank you, readers (especially those who have been writing to me inquiring about Jackson’s story), for making my work worthwhile. With so many available options, I’m honored by your choice to spend your time with me.
AN EXCERPT FROM
Before I Knew
(BOOK 1 IN THE CABOTS)
Editor’s Note: This is an uncorrected excerpt and may not reflect the finished book.
PROLOGUE
Two years ago
Of all the dilemmas Colby Cabot-Baxter had faced in her twenty-eight years, none had tormented her like this one. It didn’t help that, unlike many spring mornings in Lake Sandy, Oregon, the sun peeked through the clouds now, causing the fine mist coating the grass to glitter. Normally she’d savor the reprieve from the dank air that settled beneath the skin, but today she would’ve welcomed its bite.
Although warm inside the car, Colby shivered while frowning at the sun. Through the passenger window, she watched the mourners entering the church. Heads bowed, shoulders hunched, looking as if the weight of their grief might tip them forward.
A fleeting image of Joe’s rugged face from days earlier, just before he and her husband, Mark, had set off on a hike, flashed.
She’d grown up trading smiles with Joe across the backyard fence. He’d had a broad smile that showcased the gap between his front teeth. The gap he’d used to squirt water at her sometimes just to be irksome. They’d been buddies—coconspirators, even—sneaking into the tree house their fathers had built in the nearby woods to spy on or torment their older brothers, depending on their moods.
Five years ago, when Joe had welcomed her then-new husband into his circle, Colby had been tickled, especially in light of the cooler reception Mark had received from her brother, Hunter. Of
course, now she rather wished Joe hadn’t liked Mark so well.
Her eyes misted again, like the dew-covered earth, as her throat tightened.
Mark’s movement beside her snapped her back to the decision she couldn’t put off any longer.
“Wait.” She clutched Mark’s forearm as he prepared to open his door. “This is a mistake.”
“Joe was my best friend. I need to pay my respects.” Mark’s crystalline blue eyes widened in defiance beneath thick, straight eyebrows. Innocent-looking eyes that belied his often convoluted thoughts.
“He was my friend, too.” She loosened her grip but left her hand resting on his arm. Whatever the weakened state of their marriage, she wouldn’t compound his misery by arguing. At least, not today. Gentling her voice, she added, “But maybe we shouldn’t add to his family’s grief by showing our faces.”
Mark’s jaw clenched. “You mean my face, don’t you?”
Reflexively, she shrugged, then wished she hadn’t. Mark’s eyes dimmed at the silent accusation.
“Mark,” she said, her voice barely audible, but then couldn’t think of what else to say.
Heavy silence, the kind weighted down by unspoken sentiment, consumed the car. In the trees near the church, she noticed a black-headed grosbeak eating from a bird feeder, acting as if the world hadn’t been indelibly altered.
If only that were true.
“You can’t blame me more than I blame myself,” Mark finally muttered. “You think I don’t wish that I would’ve kept hiking past Punchbowl Falls without shooting off my mouth? But it’s done. I dared, he jumped, and here we are. I can’t hide from it, and neither can you. I have to go say good-bye to my friend, Colby, and I’d like your support.”
Tears welled in her eyes. Saying good-bye to Joe would be hard enough. But walking into that church to face Joe’s parents and his brother, Alec, seemed an impossible task. “My mother warned me against it. She’s been neighbors with the Matthewses for thirty years, and even she feels awkward about coming.”
Alec had even kept Hunter at arm’s length yesterday evening at the funeral home, so he surely wouldn’t welcome Mark or her today.
“I’m going. You can wait here if you want.” He tugged his arm free and opened the door, letting the cool air rush inside.
Colby sighed. She exited the car, squaring her shoulders and lifting her chin. Mark reached for her hand, which she grudgingly offered. Perhaps her subconscious knew that being dragged inside might be the only way she’d cross the threshold.
They’d barely stepped through the door when Alec’s unerring gaze fell on Mark. Normally Alec smiled when he saw her, but today his mouth remained fixed in a grim line, and his green eyes mirrored the mossy color of Lake Sandy on a cloudy day. Grief had carved lines into his handsome face, giving more depth to his boyish good looks. His chestnut hair fell across his forehead thanks to the cowlick he could never quite tame.
She wrestled free of Mark’s grip when Alec began his approach. Words clogged her throat making it hard to swallow, much less speak. She opened her arms to greet him with a hug, but he brushed past her and walked straight up to Mark.
Alec stood at least two inches taller than her husband. As a teen, he’d been somewhat lanky, but he’d grown into his body as he’d matured. Now he looked powerful, confident, and angry.
“Please leave before my father sees you.” Alec’s typically soothing voice carried an edge today that scraped against her skin like a rug burn.
“I’ve apologized to your family.” Mark didn’t flinch. “You have to forgive me, Alec. You know I loved Joe like a brother.”
“Lucky for me we’re not so close.” He spared her a brief glance. “Please take him and go, Colby. You know this isn’t right.”
When their gazes locked, she noticed a cold, yawning distance in his eyes that had never before existed. The loss of warmth hit her deep in her chest, even though she’d always taken their friendship more or less for granted. “I’m sorry. We don’t want to cause you more pain.”
She reached for Mark’s arm, but he shrugged her off. “I’ll sit in the back of the church and slip out early, but I’m staying. Joe would want me here.”
“Would he, really?” Alec gritted his teeth. “We wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you.”
Colby’s heart sank because she saw the flicker of heat in Mark’s eyes that warned he was about to do or say something awful. Before she could pull him away, he snarled, “We both know he’d want me here over you. Maybe if it weren’t for what you did, he wouldn’t have been so eager to go on that hike, or take that dare.”
Pain—bitter, brutal anguish—arrested Alec’s features. She had no idea what Mark had meant, but apparently Alec did. Colby reached out to comfort him, but retreated when he snapped, “Get. Out. Now.”
Other mourners had started to stare at the two men despite the fact that, until Alec’s outburst, they’d kept their voices low. Colby heard whispers, saw shaking heads. “Mark, let’s go.”
She yanked his arm, forcing him to bend to her will just this once. He ripped free of her grip and stalked to the car. Before he opened its door, he punched the roof and bellowed at the sky. By the time she took her seat, Mark’s head was in his hands, his shoulders shaking. Sniffling, he then repeatedly banged his forehead against the steering wheel while muttering, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Colby sat beside her husband in the wake of his palpable suffering and cried.
She cried for all the years Joe would miss. She cried for the unbearable pain she imagined Mr. and Mrs. Matthews enduring. She cried for Alec’s tortured history with his brother that may or may not have contributed to Joe’s fatal decision. And she cried for the empathy she could not feel for her husband.
For the last bit of love that seemed to have died right along with Joe.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Photo © 2013 Lora Haskins
Jamie Beck is a former attorney with a passion for inventing realistic and heartwarming stories about love and redemption, including her popular St. James and Sterling Canyon series. In addition to writing novels, she enjoys dancing around the kitchen while cooking, and hitting the ski slopes in Vermont and Utah. Above all, she is a grateful wife and mother to a very patient, supportive family. Fans can learn more about her on the web at www.jamiebeck.com and on Facebook at www.facebook.com/JamieBeckBooks.