by Rae Earl
I took one though “for school”. I am trying.
6.54 p.m.
OMG!
1. Gran has set up a “World According to Princess” Twitter account!
2. Dimple is acting really oddly. I know I’ve been spending a lot of time with my family and I’ve ignored her a bit but she’s being really secretive. It’s like something is going on in her life but she can’t actually tell me. We’ve never had big secrets before. She can tell me anything.
7.12 p.m.
Except for, “Hattie, I’ve been asked out by the boy who you have fancied for AGES but I didn’t tell you.” BUT that was last year. We are at a totally different stage now. Our relationship has moved on.
8.13 p.m.
I asked Weirdo Jen about Dimple. She said she felt the same. Her vibes have felt off. I thought Dimple might have told Jen something but Jen promised on her life without crossed toes that she hadn’t. Jen means that. She totally believes that if you lie on your life something like a piano will fall on your head the next day.
I don’t want to tell her that I tell white lies EVERY DAY and no musical instrument has ever attacked me.
8.49 p.m.
That’s not true. Nicky “bad boy” Bainton hit me on the head with his recorder about 2 years ago. Perhaps he IS actual karma.
9.16 p.m.
No, he’s just an idiot. You don’t expect a thump on the head during a round of “London’s Burning”.
9.52 p.m.
I just checked Princess’s Twitter account. She has tweeted:
I don’t do leads. Give me a chicken leg and shut it.
It’s been favourited by 28 people and retweeted by 7.
I give up.
Dimple hasn’t updated her Facebook status ALL night. She must be talking to someone.
WHO?
T
HURSDAY 4
TH F
EBRUARY
4.35 p.m.
I texted Dimple to see if she fancied coming over. She’s doing extra Bollywood dance classes. Her parents are so strict – it’s the only time she’s allowed to get out.
There’s more to it though.
Dimple, there is something you are not telling me and I WILL FIND OUT!
And if it’s a boy I may be a little bit annoyed and worried.
OMG – please don’t let it be Goose.
5.12 p.m.
No. I’m just being silly. Dimple hates creepy-crawlies. A money spider makes her scream, let alone an actual thing with a tail and a 10-metre tongue.
7.35 p.m.
Talking of things with tails and 10-metre tongues, MGK is following Princess on Twitter. And I mean MGK not Princess. LOL!
F
RIDAY 5
TH F
EBRUARY
5.12 p.m.
Gran’s Princess Twitter account now has 12,724 followers.
She thinks she’s rich. I said, “Gran – how?” She said, “Hattie – it’s the Internet. I’m going to make SERIOUS MOOOOOO-LLLARRR.” I said, “But HOW, Gran?” She couldn’t tell me. She just thinks that someone will offer her millions for her idea.
Gran thinks she is Instagram.
She is not.
9.23 p.m.
OMG – I cannot even believe I am writing this!!!
DIMPLE HAS A SECRET BOYFRIEND. I am the only person who knows and I cannot tell a soul on Earth ever. Even in 50 years. Even when I’m dead! If a psychic contacts me on stage I can’t even tell her.
Dimple met this boy called Bhavin at a wedding. Their eyes met over hundreds of people doing mad arms-in-the-air dancing. They had a Sprite together and talked about “deep stuff”. Then they decided to meet up in secret! Dimple is meeting him in the park when she’s meant to be at dance classes. DIMPLE IS HIDING IN ADVENTURE PLAYGROUNDS AND SNOGGING BHAVIN!
Or, as she calls him, “The Bavster”.
BUT IT’S CIA Top Secret. I cannot even tell you the level of mentalness that Dimple’s parents would reach if they knew. It would be SO over and Dimple would be grounded till she was at least 45.
She’s TOTALLY in love. It HAD to happen – she’s unbelievably pretty and she can’t have her hormones removed. I’m sure her parents have looked into it. LOL!
10.03 p.m.
Just want to say that Dimple’s mum and dad are lovely. They are just really strict. They are not evil or anything. She gets more than me at Christmas even though she’s Hindu!
10.38 p.m.
YET AGAIN – have you noticed REAL love gets RUINED by families ALL of the time? They mess it all up. I think they should butt out!
Even when they DON’T know about the affair in the first place!
Family has ruined my love life.
No, I’ve ruined my love life AND my family life by being mental about Keith.
11.02 p.m.
Me and Dimple have created a secret code word for all of this. We are calling it “Operation Bhavin”. It’s SO obvious no one will guess. It’s James Bond genius.
S
ATURDAY 6
TH F
EBRUARY
8.45 a.m.
I’m part of a massive secret. It makes things really exciting even when nothing is happening except cornflakes!
12.01 p.m.
Bit confused. I messaged Dimple this morning asking how Operation Bhavin was going. She replied:
Operation proceeding well. Would you like to rendezvous in the park tomorrow and meet the subject?
Don’t really get it.
2.12 p.m.
OMG – SHE MEANS MEET BHAVIN!!!
CANNOT WAIT!!!
3.33 p.m.
Princess (aka Gran) has been retweeted by Stephen Fry for the Tweet:
Give me a bit of your breakfast or next door’s pedigree cat gets it.
4.01 p.m.
Oh. It’s not the actual Stephen Fry. It’s a bloke from Cardiff who’s into StarTrek and lighthouses. He’s got 23 followers.
Gran’s a bit disappointed but she still thinks she’s “on to something”.
7.04 p.m.
Mum just discovered the savoury muffin in the airing cupboard.
I told her I didn’t want to upset her so I’d hidden it in some beach towels.
Then Mum said, “Hattie, I appreciate that but you should tell me the truth. I can take it.”
I’ve noticed though that the truth can actually be a bit rubbish and if you can hide a craptacular real dad muffin somewhere you should.
S
UNDAY 7
TH F
EBRUARY
10.02 a.m.
Operation Bhavin starts tonight at the park, under the slide at 5 p.m. Dimple has to go to the community centre, run out the back, meet Bhavin, have a laugh, snog Bhavin, run back to the community centre and find out what dance moves they were doing at Bollywood class from her friend Kelsey. I am going to the park to find them.
I hope Bhavin is worth it.
6.34 p.m.
HE IS WORTH IT!
Bhavin is gorgeous! It was amazing. When I turned up they were snogging under a tree near the public toilets. Even though they were under a massive orange street light it was TOTALLY romantic. He had bought her a Twix and then they pretended to have a sword fight with the bars. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. They stare at each other and eat chocolate. They don’t even have to talk. It’s BEAUTIFUL.
And Dimple got back in time.
I gave her some chewing gum so she didn’t have Twix breath. Dimple’s dad is the kind of man that would smell things like that and get suspicious.
8.16 p.m.
I am living my actual life through someone else’s relationship. I don’t care. It’s like watching Romeo and Juliet!
9.02 p.m.
The romantic, middle part of Romeo and Juliet – not the horrible double poison death at the end.
9.16 p.m.
I do care. It’s what I want. It’s what I REALLY want.
OH, GOOSE! This could be US, you know. I’ll take o
n your gecko like Rob took on me and Nathan. I think I could cope.
M
ONDAY 8
TH F
EBRUARY
5.35 p.m.
At school today Weirdo Jen started asking Dimple and me if she had offended us because we seemed a bit “distant”. Poor Jen – she is max sensitive but we can’t tell her because she might accidentally spread it. Dimple told her it was NOTHING but she is a terrible liar too. It was really uncomfortable. I know Jen is going to ask her tarot cards what’s going on.
8.45 p.m.
LOL! Just looked at Twitter! Gran has been hacked – Princess is suggesting ways you can lose weight with guava.
T
UESDAY 9
TH F
EBRUARY
4.38 p.m.
Jen told us her tarot cards gave her “lots of wands and cups” – and told her that her friends were completely trustworthy.
I think she should stick to her runes. She has more of an affinity with them.
7.09 p.m.
Gran has disabled her Twitter account. Gran said, “It’s gone to Princess’s head. She wanted tucking in twice last night. I’m not doing divas.”
She CREATED a diva.
I asked her about all the thousands she was going to make. Gran told me that there was, “No money in a fake pet Twitter account. It’s a shame, Hattie, because I was going to use the profits to have a bit of a nip and tuck. I’ll have to use my winter heating payment for Botox instead now.”
W
EDNESDAY 10
TH F
EBRUARY
7.01 p.m.
Dimple can’t meet Bhavin tonight. Her dance class has been cancelled because practically the entire roof of the community centre has been stolen by people nicking building materials.
14 people saw them doing it but just assumed they were taking the roof off and putting it in the back of a white van for “maintenance”.
I asked Dimple why she just didn’t tell her dad about Bhavin. He’s a lovely boy – completely sweet and polite. Mrs Rathod would LOVE him. Dimple said, “Hattie, last night Dad told me he was really, really worried about humanity and society. When I asked him what had caused this he said, Come Dine with Me. He can’t handle me snogging!”
I hope the roof thieves realize the misery they have caused. I hope they all end up lonely with just plumbing pipes for company.
I have agreed to lie to Mum and Rob about meeting Dimple at the cinema tomorrow. Rob will ring Dimple’s dad, tell him he’s dropping us off and picking us up. Bhavin will meet us outside Screen 4.
T
HURSDAY 11
TH F
EBRUARY
9.37 p.m.
Went to the cinema. Bhavin and Dimple just snogged during the entire film. Then he took her to McDonald’s and bought her a Beauty and the Beast happy meal. Then they snogged more and more till Rob arrived and Bhavin hid in Maccy D’s toilets.
I got a milkshake.
Other people’s love is lovely but it’s getting on my nerves.
F
RIDAY 12
TH F
EBRUARY
10.01 p.m.
I told Goose about Bhavin today. The truth is it’s making me feel EVEN MORE lonely and GOOSE-needy. He said Dimple should tell her parents and that “true love shouldn’t be hidden”. I shouted back, “I think you fancy Dimple and you want it to be over so YOU can go after her!”
I have absolutely NO IDEA why I said that. NO IDEA. Goose looked at me like I was a total mental. At that moment I was.
I’m being driven mad by love. I always do the WRONG thing when I’m with him these days. I’m like a fire extinguisher that’s completely putting out ANY Hattie love fire that’s left in him.
11.39 p.m.
Think I might get a gecko. They keep you sane. And we’ll have something in common.
S
ATURDAY 13
TH F
EBRUARY
8.08 a.m.
Mum says I can’t have a gecko as they stink.
Why is my brother allowed to stay then?! LOL!
11.07 a.m.
Mum, JUST WEARING A BRA ON TOP, barged in whilst I was on Skype to Weirdo Jen and started telling me that if I shave my legs I need to clean the bath afterwards. Then she had a go AT ME for not telling her Jen was there and embarrassing HER! MUM!!! Jen now knows I am unhygienic AND hairy!
I could not have a secret ANYTHING.
5.40 p.m.
It’s my birthday tomorrow. As far as I can see no baking has been done and there have been no suspicious trips to retail parks. I predict I will get money, which I will be forced to use on things that I should get as part of the whole deal – like my mobile.
S
UNDAY 14
TH F
EBRUARY
8.29 p.m.
I am 15 today. The following happened:
1. I got £52.56. The odd amount is due to the fact that Gran had been collecting some of her winter fuel payment for my birthday as she realized Botox was pointless. This is actually a very sweet thing.
2. Keith left me a fake “I’m glad I’m not a plastic bag” cloth bag with a handmade card of a mouse holding some flowers. For a first birthday present EVER it was a tiny bit crap but it was a nice thought.
3. Mum revealed that Keith forgot her 21st birthday – “He thought I’d just put balloons on the gate to make it look pretty.” BUT then she said things would be different now. SO she does admit HE HAS changed.
4. Bhavin sent Dimple’s Valentine’s flowers and balloons to me. Now everyone thinks I have a secret lover when all I actually have is a secret that belongs to someone else.
5. Dimple came round to collect her flowers and balloons so I had to give someone else a present on Valentine’s Day.
6. Dimple said she thinks her parents might have found out about her and Bhavin because they seem a bit preoccupied and keep having “chats”.
7. I looked REALLY guilty (what if me telling Goose has made it spread?!) but I hid it by turning round and saying how amazing her bunch of lilies were.
8. I went next door to see Goose. He assured me he hadn’t rung Dimple’s parents to tell them about Bhavin and how could I EVER think that he would DO THAT?! Then he said, “JUST GO, HATTIE.”
9. It’s my birthday and Goose yelled at me. Great.
10. My birthday surprise meal was fajitas with Gran’s special non-alcoholic tequila (aka watered-down lime juice).
11. It pays to go out with a slightly older 16-year-old who has a decent part-time job – Dimple’s flowers cost £30!
12. The best present on my 15th birthday was someone else’s Valentine’s.
13. I have fallen out with someone I love.
14. I am going to bed. Goodnight. Sod off.
M
ONDAY 15
TH F
EBRUARY
1.10 p.m.
Goose came round to apologize. Then he gave me the nicest necklace. He said, “I was going to give it to you on your birthday but … but I thought it might be … I saw that massive bunch of flowers that got delivered to you and this looked a bit … er… Anyway. I should go – I’ve got to help Mum hoover the stairs.”
I didn’t get the chance to say they weren’t my actual flowers.
Oh, Goose, why can’t it just happen?! Even your mum’s Henry hoover comes before me.
TUESDAY 16TH FEBRUARY
10.12 a.m.
Just rang Gran for half-term LOVE advice. Gran said she was in the middle of watching Colour Me Purple.
10.37 a.m.
No! Gran just called back. She is watching The Color Purple and finding the best shade for her skin type on the “Colour Me Beautiful” app. Gran said, “It’s all colours, Hattie – it’s easy to get confused! The film is a bit too depressing for me so I thought we’d talk.”
I asked Gran about men. Conversation as follows:
ME: I like Goose.
GRAN: Of course you like h
im. You used to play in his Wendy house.
ME: No. I think I really … like him.
GRAN: Does he like you in that way?
ME: I don’t know. He never says so. And he’s been kissing other girls.
GRAN: Then, Hattie, I hate to say it but you’ve messed it up – because he did. EVERYBODY could see it. Men can’t hang around for ever. You need to spread your net a bit wider. There’ll be other people who like you. Find out who!
ME: I messed up WHAT?! I haven’t done anything.
GRAN: You should have said something!
ME: YOU tell me NOT to do that.