‘Yep. Sounds good.’
‘Enjoy your morning,’ Caitlin said as they left the lift and headed for their respective sides of the office.
‘You too.’
‘Hannah, you’re a sight for sore eyes,’ Craig said when she’d put her handbag away in the cupboard and appeared at the glass door to his office.
‘Good morning.’ While Hannah had been regularly having lunch and catching up with Jasmine, she hadn’t seen Craig at all in six weeks. It was good to see his warm, friendly face. He had become a treasured, trusted friend during the past year – more than merely being her supportive boss. She really was blessed to have so many wonderful, caring people in her life.
‘Anything I need to know, boss?’ she asked him.
‘There should be a hand-over note on your desk or in your inbox. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if there isn’t one. Other than that, no, I don’t think so. Just a normal day as far as I can tell. Welcome back,’ he added.
‘Thanks,’ Hannah said, returning his beaming smile.
She sat down at her desk and took an inventory of how she was feeling. Good. Okay. She logged into her computer and got to work.
An hour later she’d consumed the first of her two daily coffees and gone through her inbox, deleting most of what she found. She was just about to begin a more enjoyable task – correcting and formatting a large document – when she paused to look at the items strategically placed around her desk. She didn’t suffer OCD, but she did like everything in its place. Everything looked just as it had always been. And suddenly it all felt wrong. She felt restless. She moved each object around and sat back to consider the changes. Yes, better. Her restlessness eased and she got back to work.
*
On the tram home that evening, Hannah pondered her day. She’d reached the end of her to-do list – a feat that usually made her practically skip out the door. Today she felt good about it, but not to the extent she usually did. Something was different. It’s your first day back. You’re just not quite in the groove yet. That’s all.
Hannah forgot all about it when she opened her front door to find Holly and the kittens sitting upright in a little group as if waiting for her.
‘My own little welcoming committee. What could be better than that?’ she said, kneeling down to cuddle them. She smiled when she spotted the toys strewn along the hallway. They’d clearly occupied themselves during the day.
Hannah’s phone began ringing and she fished it out of her handbag. ‘Hi, Jas, how are you?’
‘Hi, how was your first day? Craig is very pleased to have you back in charge. And I’m pleased not to have to listen to all his complaints about the latest temp and how she is not as good as you.’
‘You never said he didn’t like the temp.’
‘Temps, darling, plural. He went through at least three. I certainly wasn’t going to have you feeling guilty, especially when it wasn’t even your choice to take time off. So, how was it?’
‘Good.’
‘Personally, I couldn’t think of anything worse, but each to their own.’
‘What, working for your husband or being cooped up in an office all day?’ Hannah asked with a laugh.
‘Both. But don’t you dare tell him that. So it really was okay? I can be the soul of discretion if necessary, remember?’
‘It was fine. I missed the cats, but it was great to feel needed at a more intellectual level. And you know how I crave my routine.’
‘That’s good to hear. I was a little concerned you might be feeling differently about it after being away so long. A fish out of water, maybe.’
‘Hmm. I’m fine.’ Hannah couldn’t tell Jasmine the whole truth because she hadn’t worked it out for herself yet. ‘Restless’ was the best word she’d come up with. She envied Sam and Jasmine their passions, their callings. She’d discovered a whole new love of reading the past year and could while away hours – sometimes a whole day – with a book. It was the same with sitting and playing with the cats. But they weren’t exactly things to occupy her week after week, year after year, or a means of making money. While she’d ended up very well off financially from the inheritances, she still needed to work at least part-time. She’d conceded plenty of times that to enjoy your job was enough, and not everyone can have a great passion to pursue. She made a difference to Craig and the company as a whole. Also, she had needed the normality and stability that came with her job when everything around her was shifting, imploding. She didn’t like how she was starting to question if she needed more, if she was really being fulfilled. She could do her job practically with her eyes closed. And she enjoyed feeling so highly valued. So why didn’t that feel like enough now when she’d always been so grateful for everything about her job? You just haven’t settled back in yet. That’s all, she told herself again.
‘So, how are you? What’s going on?’ Hannah said, forcing her attention back to the phone call.
‘Good news. We’re off the hook.’
‘Sorry?’
‘The market this Sunday. My friend Tabatha rang. Her mother is doing better than expected so she’s coming back a week early.’
‘Oh. That’s great. I think.’ Hannah felt the slightest wave of disappointment. She’d enjoyed being a part of it and helping Sam. ‘Probably best.’
‘I think so. I’m not sure if I should be telling you this, but Sam rang me this morning. She was freaking out because she hasn’t been able to coerce the creative juices to flow.’
‘Oh.’
‘Hannah, don’t feel left out. She just didn’t want to distract you on your first day back. She was in a bit of a state. I checked on her just before and she’s feeling a little better. Still not creating, but at least not worrying about it quite so much.’
Oh, Jasmine could read her so well. Hannah did feel left out. It’s not about you, she reminded herself yet again. Sam needed to do what was right for Sam. Deciding not to contact Hannah was out of consideration, not spitefulness. You’re being over-sensitive, get a grip.
‘I’m glad she felt she could call you.’
‘Me too. She’s going through a big thing. It will take her ages and she’ll need all of her friends.’
‘Hmm,’ Hannah said, as she remembered her own situation. It had been important to have different friends to call on for support at different times and for different things, and not wear out the welcome or risk breaking a friendship. She’d thought she and Sam were strong enough to survive anything – especially after last year – but Hannah wasn’t creative and Jasmine was. Perhaps there were some things she couldn’t understand and help Sam with that Jasmine could. She was just being a little insecure because she was feeling so unsettled herself.
‘Do you want to do anything together on Sunday, then? I have to drop the eftpos machine off to Tabatha first thing, but I’ll be free after that. Perhaps a movie or two?’
‘Can I let you know on Saturday? I’m still trying to get my head around being back at work.’
‘Sure. No problem. I completely understand. Give the cats some cuddles from me. See you soon.’
‘Will do. Yes, see you soon. And, thanks so much for the call.’
Chapter Ten
Hannah felt sluggish on Monday morning. She’d had a quiet, restful weekend catching up with Sam on Saturday and Jasmine on Sunday. It wasn’t as if there was something else she craved to do – well, except perhaps curling up with the cats and a book – and it wasn’t that there was anything particular at work that was putting her off. She tried to tell herself that perhaps she was coming down with something. The simple truth, she thought sadly, was that after all these years she’d finally succumbed to Monday-itis. Her feet were heavy as she stepped up into the tram. One foot in front of the other, she encouraged herself.
As it headed up Richmond Road with the city looming large in front of her, Hannah started to feel so low that she wondered if she really had caught something. She briefly considered getting off and going home. But she
knew deep down she wasn’t sick – well, not in that way. There was something wrong with her, but she didn’t know what it was. Monday-itis was not a condition worthy of a sick day – thought plenty had tried through the ages.
At her desk, Hannah wondered if she should start looking for another job. Doing what, though? She’d always liked this one, she was good at it, and she liked Craig. She doubted there would be many bosses like him out there. And, anyway, she couldn’t let him down.
She’d followed the advice her friends had given her, which was to not make any major life changes in the first year after The Accident. But now what? She didn’t think carrying on as normal was what she wanted. That was the problem. She felt like a racehorse in a barrier just wanting to be set free.
From that day on, Hannah took her lunch to the park. A couple of times Caitlin and some other workmates had asked if she wanted them to join her, but she’d put them off with a white lie – that she had things to do so she would eat on the run. She didn’t like doing that, but she needed air. And solitude, she realised one lunchtime when she was sitting on a park bench. Hannah almost cried out loud at the irony – she’d spent a year learning to be okay with being alone! She still wasn’t sure she liked it, but she’d come to terms with it. And she wasn’t alone at home now – she had the cats. In the eyes of many, they might not count as worthy company, but it was enough to satisfy Hannah for the time being. She wasn’t even scared of the house in the dark anymore, having convinced herself that Holly would find a way to let her know if something was amiss.
Hannah was staring at some tourists checking their map when a new thought struck her. Am I suffering from wanderlust? Have I been bitten by the travel bug and not realised until now? Though where else did she want to go? Nowhere really. She’d loved her trip away, but she didn’t feel the urge to do another long-haul flight or leave Holly and the kittens. She supposed she could go and visit Tristan’s parents, Raelene and Adrian. They were currently in Broome on their grey nomad caravan trip anti-clockwise around Australia.
You just need more time to adjust to being back at work, she thought as she gathered up her things and set off on a brisk walk around the park before going back to the office. Exercise had become another tonic, and she especially turned to it when she felt a little out of kilter. Like she did now.
*
On her second Friday back, Hannah grabbed her lunchbox from the fridge and headed out, as had become her habit. At reception she saw an out-of-order sign on one of the two lifts. A noisy group of workers hovered, waiting for the other lift so she joined the queue, turning to idly watch the television on the far wall. She smiled at seeing her favourite ad playing – the one with the meerkats going on about insurance. So cute, she thought. I wouldn’t mind seeing their antics in real life. Perhaps I could take Olly and Ethan to see them. Like Sam, Hannah didn’t particularly like the idea of animals caged in zoos, but perhaps the Werribee Open Range Zoo would be worth considering. Hannah would mention it to Sam sometime.
‘Hannah, you coming?’ She half turned. The lift was tightly packed. She hated crowded lifts, especially during the heat of summer.
‘Thanks, but I’ll take the next one.’
‘Suit yourself,’ someone said and began pressing a button furiously. She waited until the lift had well and truly gone before pressing the button to call it back, and then turned around again to watch the television while she waited. The news was starting.
‘It’s only ever bad, you know.’ She looked up and smiled at finding Craig standing beside her. He nodded at the TV as if in explanation.
‘I’m sure you’re right,’ Hannah said.
‘Going out for some fresh air? I hear it’s a nice day. Not too warm yet.’
‘Yes. You?’
‘I’ve been tasked with sorting out the ingredients for dinner. Let’s hope I remember everything on the list,’ he said, waving a pink sticky note. ‘God these lifts are slow today,’ he said, prodding at the button several times.
‘I’m not sure that helps,’ Hannah said. ‘A watched kettle and all that …’
‘Hmm. But it makes me feel better. I know, I know, patience is a virtue.’
But Hannah wasn’t listening. Her eyes were wide as she watched the TV that was now showing footage of barristers in wigs and gowns flanking people in suits as they walked into court. The sound was too low to hear the details. A part of her wanted to ask Briony, the receptionist, to turn the volume up. But the captioning really told her all she needed to know – that it was indirectly to do with The Accident. It seemed the trucking company was back in court trying to dodge responsibility. She felt Craig move closer, his large frame now touching her arm.
‘Are you going along to court?’ he asked.
‘Sorry? Oh. Um …’ Right from the start Hannah had not been at all interested in following the story on the grounds that there was no point knowing the details – nothing would bring her family back. But suddenly, standing here, she felt differently. She’d tamped down any curiosity she’d felt. Or so she’d thought. And the coincidence of being here, now, the broken lift … It was a sign, wasn’t it? Perhaps this was what was at the heart of the restlessness she was feeling. She didn’t know how going along to court would help, but right then, like never before, she felt it couldn’t actually hurt – that perhaps she needed to.
‘I know you’re thinking about it, it’s written all over your face.’
She looked at him, frowning slightly.
‘Hannah, I’ve known you for what, eight years? And you and I both know you were not cut out for poker. So …’ he prompted.
‘I think I would like to go, actually,’ she said. ‘But they’re probably on a lunch break.’
‘That’ll most likely only be an hour. Take an extra-long lunch. Or take the afternoon off if you want.’
Hannah looked at him.
‘Seriously. It’s fine. Come on, our lift is finally here,’ Craig said, nudging her arm gently. Hannah hadn’t noticed it arrive as her head was spinning. Did she really want to go to the court? After all this time when she’d been adamant she didn’t want to know anything about the case? She stepped in beside Craig.
They rode silently, the only noise the sound of the lift as it made its way swiftly to the ground floor.
‘Would you like me to come with you?’ Craig said as the doors were opening.
‘Thanks, but I need to go on my own.’
‘Okay, but remember I’m only a call or a text and a few blocks walk away if you need me.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Seriously, take the afternoon if you need to – just let me know so I won’t worry.’
‘You really are the best, you know that?’ Hannah said, looking into his eyes. ‘But don’t forget to buy all the ingredients for dinner or you’ll be in the doghouse at home,’ she added in an attempt to stop the awkwardness creeping in.
‘Go on, then,’ he said, giving her shoulder a gentle prod.
As Hannah walked away she was thankful Craig hadn’t hugged her. Not that he did at work. But still …
Oh crap, she thought as she turned the corner and approached the imposing court building and saw a mass of TV cameras and reporters. She hadn’t thought about that. She considered turning around and going back to the office, but didn’t want to draw attention to herself. Best she just get inside. At least they were milling a little way down from the main doors and most of them had their backs to her.
Hannah was nervous as she joined the line to go through security. She’d never been in a court building before. Thank goodness she hadn’t been called as a witness or required to do anything else. She had given a statement to the police about when she’d last seen her parents and Tristan – what they’d been wearing, their movements that Christmas morning, et cetera. Then Raelene and Adrian had taken over liaising with the police and most likely they had shielded her from a lot more than she’d ever know. She vaguely remembered them asking if she wanted to do a Victim Impact St
atement, and declining. The whole year was a bit of a blur.
Unsure what to expect or do, she followed those in front of her. Just like at the airport, bags were put on trays, pockets were emptied and people were scanned.
Once she was inside she didn’t know where to go as people rushed all around her. She spied a board announcing what cases were going on in which court and noticed the name of the trucking company she’d seen on the news report at the office. The case was being heard in the court nearest to where she was standing. Though now she was here, Hannah didn’t think she wanted to be. She saw a bench along the wall so went over and sat down to think.
‘Hi,’ the man sitting at the other end of the bench said.
‘Hi,’ she replied, though as she spoke wasn’t sure if the man had actually spoken. He might have simply looked up at her, acknowledged her presence. Or not. He was fidgeting and seemed quite agitated.
God, I might have just sat down next to a criminal, she thought. And then she almost laughed out loud. If that were the case, don’t you think he’d be in handcuffs and with a police escort, not up here in the public area mixing with the general populace? Derr. She found herself smiling at her foolishness. She leaned her back against the wall, but couldn’t relax. It was cold and hard. She linked her hands in her lap. She must have looked as if she were waiting for something because the man beside her said, ‘Nothing will happen in this court until one-thirty – they’re on a lunch break.’
‘Right. Okay. Thanks.’ She toyed with getting her lunch out of her handbag but it seemed rude to eat in front of him. Anyway, she’d lost her appetite. She really should just leave. But then she reminded herself of the signs – she felt sure she was meant to be here, now. Though, why, she had no idea.
‘Are you here for the, um, trucking company case?’ she asked the man, suddenly feeling the need to make conversation.
‘Yes.’
‘I’ve never been in a court before, let alone a court room.’
‘Unfortunately, I’ve been a few times.’
‘Oh.’ Hannah didn’t want to pry.
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