by Marie Wathen
Once inside I locate my backpack in the bottom of the closet. I pull open the dresser draw and begin stuffing my clothes into the bag. I hear a faint buzzing sound and remember that my new phone is in the front pocket. Reaching inside, I pull out my cell, scroll through the call history and see several missed calls and text messages. Most are from Kris asking me to call her and one is from Russ saying that he was just checking on me. Peaking out the blinds, I see Blues still comfortably seated on the lounge chair, now smoking a cigarette. I hit redial.
“Hello?” Kris says cautiously smartly playing along with our cover.
“It’s me,” I reassure her, and she releases a heavy sigh.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“Physically I’m fine, but emotionally, I don’t know.”
“Russ told me what happened. I’m so sorry honey,” she whispers softly. Kris is my rock and hearing her voice settles all of the leftover heartache I’ve carried since Wise died.
“You know how I get sometimes when crazy shit happens. I just needed a few days away to deal with it.” I pause then whisper, “I went to his funeral.”
There is a long silence hanging between us before finally she suggests, “Why don’t you come home for a few days? I’ll take some time off and then we can get out of town. How does Vegas sound? Oh or maybe a cruise. You know how much I want to go to the Caribbean. Better yet how about a full weekend of hiding under the covers while watching raunchy porn and eating tons of junk food?” She giggles and I feel a smile creeping across my face.
“Kris,” I start.
“Yeah?”
“I…” The guilty words are lodged in my throat. There are so many things I want to tell her, but today isn’t the day for it all. I sigh and shift my thoughts before assuring her, “I’ll be home tomorrow night.”
“Okay Sam, I love you.”
“I love you more,” I reply meaning it, but knowing that our love is identical, and then I end our call.
I shove the rest of my shit into the small bag and carry it into the large living room, dropping it at the door before walking over to the balcony. The sun has already begun dropping over the horizon and I can tell that the temperatures are rapidly following its decent. I shift my gaze from the sun over to Blues still stretched out darning the sexiest smile I’ve ever seen and my heart jolts. Watching him now I realized that I have absolutely fucked up. Somehow over the past few days and with the simplest things in life, he has broken through every barrier that I’ve thrown up since I was a mistreated kid, keeping real love at a distance. This man didn’t just break through though. He has destroyed every piece of my pathetic excuse of a wall. The truth of everything that he has done over the past five days slams into me hard. Blues has burrowed his way into my heart, taking up root. Oh Goddammit, I am pathetic. And, profoundly in love with him.
“There you are. I was about to hunt you down,” Blues says standing in front of me with a playful grin tipping the corners of his mouth. I was so caught up in foolish thoughts that I didn’t even notice him approach.
“I’m here,” I soothe sliding my hands up his chest and over his shoulders to the back of his head where I stroke my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. He lowers his mouth to mine and I sigh into our passionate joining. He places both hands on my ass and lifts, allowing me to leap into his arms. I wrap my legs around his waist and he begins walking us inside the house.
“God, you taste so damn good,” he moans against my lips.
Tears prick behind my closed eyes. This will be the last time we make love. When were done I’m returning to Decks and finishing this job so I can get back to my real life. I release the hold my legs have around him and step back toward the large sofa. Taking his hand in mine I guide him to sit down. Slowly I lift my shirt over my head and drop it to the floor and then do the same with the remainder of my clothing. His eyes roam over every inch of me, devouring and memorizing. I reach down and lift the hem of his shirt, pulling it off while he shimmies out of his pants and slips on a condom. Lowering myself onto my knees I straddle his lap and kiss him deeply. His hands move around to my back and he pulls me in tightly against his chest. The heat of his body sears against my prickling skin and I moan deeply. A hard rumble erupts from his chest.
“Doll,” he groans as I pull away from our kiss.
I reach between us wrapping my fingers around his swollen and needy dick pressing the head into my entrance. Placing my hands on the sides of his neck, I sink down onto him slowly and lower my lips to his. Keeping my lids open, I battle the tears that continue to taunt me as I stare into the eyes of the man I love. He searches mine deeply, finding something and connecting with it while he moves his mouth, sucking and sipping greedily. His tongue cuts through my parted lips and he sweeps in finding mine is just as eager as his is to be reunited once again. I decide at this moment that Blues tastes better than my favorite Kentucky whiskey. He’s a lot more spicy and warm, but even that description pales in comparison to how thermonuclear he makes my body feel. He moans hungrily into my mouth while his hands roam wildly over my thighs, my ass and my back. Finally, he settles them into my thick hair, pushing his fingers into the back and holding me firmly to him.
The mingled scent of our bodies is overpowering and being encompassed in it now makes me feel like it is vital to my existence. My breathing is labored, and I can feel that his breath and heartbeat matches mine exactly. Our bodies move together like the ocean we hear crashing against the sand beyond the open balcony door, and with each wave a flourish of cries from my heart begs me to hold on and never let him go. Breaking our kiss we rock our bodies faster and faster, seeing it in each other’s eyes and feeling it in the incredible build up that our climax is only moments away.
“Oh, Blues,” I moan before brushing my lips against his.
My body teeters, just barely hanging onto the edge of bliss and I can tell from his harder thrusting and heavy panting that he will be right behind me with a thunderous climax. I grind down hard on his lap, wiggling in search of an abrasive connection before he slips his thumb between my folds finding my swollen clit. Still kissing me softly, he rolls two fingers tenderly over my sensitive spot and almost immediately the waves of my pleasure consume me. Keeping my eyes locked on his, I experience the best orgasm of my life that isn’t just a physical enjoyment. It’s heavily layered with confused emotions and wild mental pictures of us being together forever.
Seeing me so open and willing, for the first time, Blues’ eyes sparkle brighter than ever before. He digs his fingers deeply into my hips, thrusting excitedly a couple more times before he explodes while whispering my name over and over against my lips. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I rest my cheek on his shoulder. He strokes his hand down the length of my hair repeatedly, sedating me. Our high ebbs away slowly, but I hopelessly cling to him for a long time afterward, fighting back the tears. My heartbeat levels out and I begin wishing that destiny would have never brought us together.
“I love you,” Blues confesses softly into the now dark and quiet room. Frozen in place against his chest, I truly don’t know what to do now or how to respond. With everything in me I want to repeat his words back to him, but I can’t. Nothing about our relationship is that easy and it certainly never will be. I love him and I’m positive that I will for the rest of my life, but there is no future for a cop and a criminal.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Silently slinking out of the bed, I glance over my shoulder and see Blues lying naked turned on his left side with one arm snaked under his pillow. A serine smile plays along the corners of his dark red lips. A single tear slips off my lashes before I turn around and leave him sleeping. I sneak off into the living room and wiggle back into the clothes I discarded earlier. It’s still dark out and the clock on the microwave reads four in the morning.
I step out the front door, shuffling my bag onto my back after digging out my cell phone. I do a quick search on the internet and locate a local taxi
service that is willing to come out this far. Then I book a flight back to Atlanta leaving out of Raleigh in two hours. Anxiously waiting for the cab, I write a short note and stick it in the mailbox, lifting up the little red flag on the side. I just hope that Blues notices it when he discovers me missing later today. I need him to understand a few things before he shows up at Decks’ house banging on his chest like some modern day caveman.
Blues,
I needed time to get over what happened with Wise and with your help I’ve done that. Thank you. I need to be with Decks. Don’t come after me and don’t come between us.
Angel
Five hours later an Atlanta taxi pulls into the driveway at my house. I drag my weak body out and up the front steps reaching for the door just as it is being pulled open.
“There you are,” Kris says smiling, but one look at me and her happy demeanor drops instantly. “Come on honey.”
She guides me upstairs where she pulls back the covers allowing me to get into bed and then she climbs in with me. We stay quiet for hours. Sporadically she plays with my hair while smiling sadly at me. The whole time, all I do is feel sorry for myself for letting go of a man that I should never have gotten involved with in the first place. Suddenly razor sharp anger begins to boil through my veins. I jolt up out of the bed and begin scurrying around my room.
“What are you doing Sam?” Kris asks sitting up with her back resting against the headboard.
“I’m going back,” I announce tossing clean clothes into small bag.
“Wait,” she says sliding off the bed, but I ignore her. “Sam, wait,” she yells. I stop, twist around and look at her like she has lost her mind, which is exactly how she’s looking at me. “What are you doing? I’m not letting you leave here tonight.” I cut my eyes at her. “Stow it sister, you are not leaving here until after we talk. I don’t give a damn about your protocol or what you believe you need to hide from me because you think you’re protecting me.” I flinch back away from her. “Yeah, I know all about it. You think I don’t know what you’re job is really like, but I do Sam. I just don’t want you worrying about me anymore than you already do, which is entirely too much, by the way.” She jams her fists onto her hips and glares at me. “I’m not a child and I’m sick of you treating me like one. Whether you like it or not Sam, someday something bad might happen to me and it won’t be for your lack of trying to keep it from happening. It’s just the way of the world.” I can’t reason it and I don’t understand it but right now I am so pissed off. “So just stop!”
“Stop what Kris?” I shout stepping toward her. “Stop caring about you? Stop wanting to make sure that my best friend, who I love more than any person on this entire planet, is shielded from the nasty, disgusting world I live in?” She pierces me with an angry look. “Is that what you want? Well fuck that. No! I won’t stop. With my last breath I will do everything I can to make sure that my fucked up world doesn’t affect your life.” I screech while I slam my fist into the door leading into my bathroom.
“That’s where you are wrong, Sam. It does affect my life.” She counters stomping her foot in an attempt to demonstrate how angry she is too. “Do you know that I see just as much bad shit happening here while you’re off playing super badass chick?” I glare at her for that ridiculous claim. “Yeah it’s true. Everyday there are different children who come into the emergency room for one simple complaint or another. After examining them we discover quickly that they are actually victims of domestic violence, usually at the hands of their own mother or father.” A sob breaks through her voice while she continues, “And you don’t even want to know how many kids come through the door near death from a drug overdose. Many times it turns out that they got into their parents illegal drug stash.” Tears streak down her face and she wipes at them wildly while still yelling at me. “If all of that isn’t disgusting I don’t know what is Sam. I may not know for certain like you do who the bad guys are, but I’m just as much living in the bullshit world you live in.” She rushes out of my room, crosses the hall into hers and slams the bedroom door shut behind her.
Completely frustrated with the way things escalated between me and Kris, I slam my bedroom door and dive back into the bed. I pull the covers over my head and for the first time in a long time I release the pain that I’ve held onto for too long. All I ever wanted was to protect Kris and I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. Seeing her so angry with me and then hearing about how she really feels about it breaks my heart. She’s the only person besides my Gran who knows all my inner most secrets and still loves me. Being raised by two parents who have nothing but contempt for me, left a deep and painful scar in my heart. I managed to live through their torment and built a life that I am proud of, but I still keep my ability to really care for anyone packed tightly away making it hard for me to love. That is until I started this damn case. Now everything is different. My strength is waning and I feel like I’m losing myself. Where do I go from here?
Silent tears slip down my cheeks as I lie in the bed and replay every word Kris said. Without saying the words I know that she was implying that I treated her like I didn’t trust her. But that’s just not true. I trust her with everything…Everything except Blues.
In an instant I leap from my bed, rushing through my bedroom door and banging forcibly on hers. “Kris, open the door,” I shout.
“What do you want?” she growls through the closed door.
“I need to tell you something.”
There is a long pause and I know Kris well enough to know that she is making me sweat it. I don’t blame her, I totally fucking deserve it. Right now though I wish she could find another way of torturing me.
“I’m dying out here Kris. I really need to talk.”
She jerks the door open and glares at me. Her eyes are red rimmed and puffy. She feels just as terrible as I do about what happened earlier. I sigh and step into her room, wrapping her up in a tight hug.
“I’m sorry,” I state. “Will you forgive me?” I pull away and stare into her green eyes glistening with tears. She nods her head yes and grabs me for a hug this time. “Oh thank God. I was beginning to think you were going to be your usual stubborn self for a minute there.”
“What?” She laughs breaking her hold. “I’m stubborn? You’ve lost your mind Queen Stubborn Ass.” I laugh and clutch my hand over my heart pretending to be hurt by her name calling.
“How dare you? I’m no Queen. I am an Empress!”
“You got that right,” she laughs shoving my shoulder before walking over and taking a seat on the edge of her bed. “What now?” she asks staring out the window across the room waiting for me to respond.
“Now?” I ask taking a seat next to her and drawing her hand into mine. “Well how about for starters we discuss some very important things that have been going on in my life and then we’ll talk about you and the amazing Tate? Yeah?”
She smiles happily and bobs her head, “You’re actually going to go first? I don’t believe it! Miracles really do happen.” She says playfully shaking her head. “Okay Sam, where do we start?”
She narrows her eyes on me guardedly, like she’s waiting for my magical subject change that will in a matter of a minute have her doing all the talking. It’s a cool little trick that I’ve managed to master over the years, but I’m not going to do that to her today. Today is about letting go of the old Sam so I can live in the here and now.
Sniffling back against an onslaught of tears that will most definitely come after this confession, I sigh and say, “I’m in love.”
Chapter Sixty
I am a hostage by my own design, a victim of my own making and I am willing to do whatever it takes to escape my prison before I am destroyed all the way. Being in love is amazing, but loving the wrong man is absolutely the most horrible tragedy to ever strike me. I feel vulnerable and ripped apart. I have exposed myself fully to a man who makes me feel more cherished and valuable than anyone before him. But it’s all
a lie. He doesn’t know the real me and he never will.
Kris and I spend the week together. She has great advice when it comes to love, but in the end she understands my unique situation and agrees that severing the connection immediately is the best idea for everyone involved, although, she doesn’t believe that this is the end of mine and Blues’ story. Her last piece of advice was to wait, but I just don’t have it in me to do that. Returning to Decks and getting him to turn states evidence are my only objectives.
Kris drops me off at Holidays today where I pick up my Jeep. It’s been parked in the lot since Wise was killed. I snag my spare key from the magnetic holder placed near my rear tire and I don’t even glance at the building when I pull away. Making my way through the rolling hills I center my mind and regain the control that I relinquished when the shit hit the fan over a week ago. Passing Blues’ house, I spot his Bentley and Lourdes’ white Land Rover parked in his driveway.
“Looks like Blues didn’t move on, he slunk back,” I say to myself. “Good. Actually it’s great. Beasts from hell are like birds of a feather. They deserve each other.” Bastard.
I park my Jeep outside the front door and jog up the steps. Climbing the staircase to the third level, I can tell by the ominous and muted air that Decks isn’t home. Blues told me he came back last Sunday, but I guess he had to leave again. I enter my bedroom and cross the wide distance over to the bay window overlooking the black lake below. Kicking back against the wall as I sit, I lean my forehead on the glass and lower my eyelids needing to absorb the solitude.
Up until this point I’ve just been expecting the opportunity to finalize this case to just present itself up on a silver platter. I wonder how the hell I got here and I realize that I let myself get complacent. Sure I have Decks wanting to take me to bed and he has even confessed that he wants everything with me, meaning a serious relationship. I also know that he murdered for me, and claims that he will do anything. Remembering his persistent declaration sets my mind into motion, and within a minute I have devised a masterful plan that all but guarantees an immediate end to this job.