Sebastian lingered in the dark with his bottle and watched his brother.
Kai had recently split up with his long-time girlfriend. Because she didn't want to have children and settle down. Kai on the other hand, felt that he had a stable life and that he was ready to take the next step. He had proposed to Suzie and she had even accepted. They were starting to plan a future together. Kai had seen a house, not far from Sebastian's, that he liked and bought, but then, the day before the move, Kai walked in on Suzie and another man. She had laughed at him and told him that she had not been ready to commit anyway and that she would move in with the other guy. Kai never moved out of the apartment and into the new house. It was left empty. But he came over to Sebastian's a lot and he sometimes stayed the night, to not be alone. Lately, he didn't come for Sebastian anymore, he came for Agnes. Not because he wanted to seduce her, but because she was a new part of his family. Like a little sister or niece.
Sebastian cursed at the realization. If he could not make it work with Jamie, his brother would lose this bond he shared with Agnes too.
Sebastian walked away, careful to not make a sound. As he climbed the stairs, he was already picking his choice of music. Too many thoughts were crowding his mind and he needed to stop thinking. He closed the door, put his water bottle on the windowsill and shed his shirt. His fingers traced the back of the large stack of records, being placed next to the record player. He decided on Max Richter and let the first notes of 'On the Nature of Daylight' wash over him and guide his steps. His knee still hurt, but he decided to ignore the pain and dance it away. Damn doctors and people in general. They had no idea what he needed to be a happy person. He needed to dance. That was a very easy thing for him, it came naturally, but he also needed Jamie. The fear of losing him before having him made it harder to breathe and even though the music didn't require it, Sebastian danced furiously.
Forget. Forget the anxiety. Forget the pain. Forget.
But he couldn't forget. Jamie was in him, distracting him, enticing him.
“Aww fuck” Sebastian yelled frustrated as he fell down and a sharp pain paralyzed his entire right leg. Tears of pain clouded his vision and he gave in. He didn't try to get up, he simply lay on the floor, cursing and crying. He cried because of the pain in his leg and he knew that he had torn something in it again. Something that would throw him back in his whole rehabilitation. He cried because he felt alone and he didn't want to be. He cried because he wanted a chance with Jamie, but he didn't see it. A few kisses and glances, even touching at times, was not a relationship and the way Jamie had rejected him earlier had made him feel like a failure. Sebastian thought about his ex-husband, about Rudy and for the first time ever, he asked himself if he had been too pushy, too demanding to make it work between them. His thoughts didn't linger with Rudy though, almost right away, they were back with Jamie and how he had said that he liked him and that he felt the same connection, the same rightness between them.
Frustrated with himself, he punched the floor, just the same way he had punched the mattress of his bed earlier.
A knock on the door made him brush away his tears.
“Sebastian? Can I come in?” it was Jamie who asked to open the door.
“No. Stay away. I need Kai.” Sebastian told the closed door. The pain in his leg became worse and he felt the throbbing in his knee. It was swollen and he couldn't bend it. He would not be able to get up, even if he wanted to.
“Please let me in.” Jamie pleaded, but Sebastian stayed headstrong.
“I said, if you want to do something for me, go get my brother. That is not really a hard thing to do, now is it?” Sebastian snapped and tried to sit up. If he had had something within reach, he would have thrown it against the wall, only to see it break. He cursed again and heard a commotion in front of the door. He braced himself for furious looks and disappointed glances.
The door swung open and like expected, all eyes were on him.
“You little piece of shit. What happened this time?” Kai didn't spare the name-calling, but crouched next to his twin and immediately started to look at his knee, pulling up the pant leg and touching and feeling.
Sebastian let himself fall back on his back and let his arm rest over his eyes, while Kai tried to bend his knee.
“Ow. Ow! Ouch!” Sebastian almost yelled and it earned him a pointed glare from his brother.
“We need to get you to the hospital and get it X-rayed. I can't do anything for you. You are such a moron. Honestly. What did you think? Oh well, don't answer that, you didn't think. Dumb jerk. Do you want to end up in a wheelchair? Go on like this and you will. For God's sake. You are thirty-three years old. You have your entire life to live and you are ruining your own quality of life willingly. I don't understand...”
“You are right. You don't understand. How could you? This is my life. All I ever did, all I ever wanted to do. I suffered bullying and beatings for this. I was labeled and I was derided and scorned, but I took it all, because I want this.”
“You want to lie on a floor, not being able to get up because you are hurt and can't allow your body the time it needs to heal? There are two sides to everything. Wake up! I'm going to call an ambulance, you need to lie still or else you are going to make it worse.”
Kai stomped away with a red head. He was mad and terrified for his brother. Entering a room with your twin on the floor, not able to move, that hurt Kai too. He was tired to look out for Sebastian, tired to speak and speak and not being heard. And worried. Kai was worried, because he always supported and understood his brother. Now – not so much. He couldn't understand why Sebastian was doing this deliberately, almost as if he wanted to feel the pain.
Kai wished he hadn't given up on smoking. His hands were shaking and he was close to tears.
“Damn you Sebastian” he said through gritted teeth while waiting for the ambulance to arrive.
****
The ambulance ride was short, but tense. Only Kai was allowed to ride with Sebastian, Jamie drove behind them in the car.
While Sebastian was going through tests, Jamie paced the waiting room, biting his fingernails. He blamed himself for Sebastian's new injuries. He should have known better than to simply leave him.
“What happened between you two?” Kai asked, once they were alone.
“Nothing?”
“Aha. Did you have a fight?”
“No!”
“Did you have sex?”
“None of your business, but no.”
“Then why? Why did he go up there and ruin his leg even more and why are you pacing the floor, like it was your fault?”
“But it was my fault!”
“How? I don't understand.”
“I rejected him. Well, not really. But it might have sounded like it.”
“I still don't understand. But you know what? Leave it. It's none of my business, you are right about that. I just... that fucking jerk.” Kai hid his face in his hands. If it had not been for the shaking of his shoulders, Jamie would have thought he simply was tired. Kai cried without making a sound. Jamie sat close to him and put an arm around his shoulder.
“Shh. It's not your fault either. He overdid it. He should have known better.”
“I'm tired of worrying about him. I'm just so tired...” Kai sobbed, while Jamie pulled him closer.
“It's okay to worry about your brother and it's okay to be tired.” Jamie tried to reassure Kai.
Just at that exact same moment, Karen, the twins' mother stormed in.
“Where is he? What happened? Oh my, Kai, are you crying? How is he?” Seeing Kai so upset made Karen fear for the worst, but she wasn't in the dark for long. A doctor arrived and told them the news.
“The recent injury led to the newest. Unfortunately, it could have happened at any time, even while taking the stairs. Right now, we have to wait for the swelling to go back, but at this moment in time, we don't think we'll need surgery. Mister Martin will need crutches and to keep his leg
immobilized at every cost. He'll need to wear a splint for a few weeks and also I would advise extensive physiotherapy. It's important to get this under control. But he is young, fit and healthy. I don't see why he shouldn't be able to fully recover.” The doctor smiled faintly.
“What do you mean fully recover? The other doctor said there would be no such thing.” Karen inquired.
“Well, I don't want to bash other colleagues, but that man was old and he messed up with your son. I'm going to try and do it better.”
“What about dancing? He's a professional dancer, he needs to dance.” Jamie wanted to know.
“For now, I think dancing is out of question, but in the future, when he is pain free, a light training is okay, but I would strongly advise to retire from professional dancing. Maybe teaching would be a good alternative.” The doctor's pager buzzed and after exchanging a few niceties, he was gone. Kai let out a deep relieved breath and patted Jamie on the shoulder. Jamie smiled and Karen fell down on a chair.
“I thought he had died when I saw you. Don't ever do that again, Kai or I'll disown you. To scare your poor old mother like that...”
****
A nurse came in and showed them to Sebastian's room.
His leg was bandaged and only his toes were visible. He looked tired.
“Hey.” Kai said carefully. “I'm sorry about the name-calling.” Sebastian waved it away with his hand.
“It's okay. You were right. I was wrong.”
“So, when can we take you back home?” As if on cue, the doctor reappeared.
“I don't think Mister Martin needs to stay here any longer. You'll need to sign these forms and then you're free to leave. The first appointments to meet with the physiotherapist are arranged and I want to see you again in a week. Preferably during the day, though.” The doctor waited for Sebastian to read and sign the forms, while making small-talk with Karen, who seemed smitten with the young doctor. Kai rolled his eyes at his mom's flirting, but joined the conversation nonetheless.
Jamie stood a little apart. He had felt welcome and a part of the family, but now he was not so sure anymore. He felt awkward, standing in a hospital room, without Agnes. She had stayed home, but only because Jamie had promised to keep her up to date. He felt alone and as if Sebastian was ignoring him. Not once had he looked his way. Until just then.
Sebastian patted the bed and crooked his finger for Jamie to come and sit. Jamie obliged, aware of Kai, Karen and the doctor chatting without taking much notice of him.
Sebastian took Jamie's hand in his own, the guided it to his lips and kissed the knuckles gently.
“I know what you think, but it's not your fault. It isn't mine either, well not entirely. Yes, I was upset about the rejection...”
“I didn't reject you.” Jamie interrupted him. “I simply want to take this slowly. I'm falling hard for you and it is new and scary to make myself so vulnerable.”
“I know and I should have reacted differently. I like you Jamie and I never want to see you hurt...”
“I'd say the same, but look around. Do you know where you are? Don't do this again. I saw you on the floor. I saw the tears. I saw your pain, Sebastian.”
“I... I wish I could undo it, but I can't, but I promise that I will make it right this time. The doctor told me a bunch of things that apparently went wrong with the old quack and we are going to make it right. I am hopeful, you know.”
“You look tired.”
“I am, you are right. I want to go home and get into my bed and sleep. With you close to me. Please, don't get comfortable in that guestroom.”
“I don't know. It's too soon and you are hurt.” Jamie shook his head and turned away.
“Please? I promise to behave.” Sebastian pleaded, guiding Jamie's head back, so that they could lock eyes. “And I am hurt. You can't deny a wish to a hurt man.” Jamie smiled and Sebastian smiled too.
“Let's go” and Jamie helped Sebastian maneuver out of the hospital bed.
~~Chapter 9~~
Life at Sebastian's house changed drastically over the next few days and weeks.
Kai finally set his apartment up for sale and moved in to his brother's house. To be closer if needed, and because he liked the company of Jamie and Agnes. His house was still empty, but it was mostly, because he was sick and tired of being lonely and he had the urge to be closer to his family again. The older he became, the more he became a family-man.
Agnes was allowed to change schools when both headmasters of her old and her new school agreed and within two days, she went to a new school, meeting new people and needing to catch up on a lot of studying. The new school was a private school that Sebastian paid. At first, Jamie was against it, but Sebastian and Agnes had worked out a sort of contract that listed chores Agnes had to do around and in the house, to pay Sebastian back. It was nothing mean or dangerous, but simple tasks, like freeing the stairs from the snow that was still falling, cleaning the kitchen after dinner and things like that. The only trickier point was that Sebastian insisted on good grades. He had no intention wasting his money on someone lazy and unfocused. He quickly saw and learned that Agnes did the best she could do, and Sebastian even volunteered to help where he could with her homework, essays and other school projects and the two of the became accustomed to each other rather well while working together on maths and other subjects.
Sebastian worked hard to get his leg back to being useful. Three to four times a week, he saw a physiotherapist and he was able to notice the first results. He was far from painless and he still wore the splint, but he had a goal and he worked towards that, never leaving it out of sight. Some days were harder than others, but with the constant support of Kai, Karen and Agnes, it was easier to process set-backs. Jamie on the other hand retreated more and more and Sebastian let him have his space.
Jamie never moved into Sebastian's room, under the pretense that he didn't want Sebastian to lose sleep or being in pain in his own bed, because he took too much space. No matter how much Sebastian insisted that he wanted Jamie with him, Jamie didn't give in, he didn't budge. Instead, he became more and more quiet. He didn't go out and became like a ghost of himself. It was still hard on him that he had lost his mother without knowing it, and some days, he felt guilty for not being there, not insisting that she'd speak to him. He read a lot about grief and how to process it, but the best books don't help, if you don't apply what you are reading.
****
Jamie sat in the den and watched the snow covering the garden. Until now, he hadn't been outside the house and he hadn't seen the beauty of it yet. Jamie preferred to be as small and unseen as possible, making himself almost invisible. He pulled his legs up on the armchair and let his chin rest on his knee, while covering himself with a warm blanket. This place quickly advanced to his favorite spot in the whole house. Jamie sipped his tea and stared into the dusk. He heard the voices of Agnes, Sebastian and Kai in the distance, but he didn't hear what they were saying and he didn't really care, he only knew that they were working on something school related. His thoughts were with his parents though.
“It's better for you to leave and move out. I don't want my son being a father at sixteen and I am not going to support that disrespectful behavior. You are responsible for your own trouble.”
Jamie could still see her cold blue eyes, and he could still hear the disappointment in her voice. He also still knew what she had been wearing. It was a floral patterned blouse and a brown skirt and an apron, since she had been cleaning up after dinner.
“But mom...” Jamie pleaded, his arms fell to his sides and his shoulders dropped.
Remembering that feeling was awful. He had repressed so many feelings and emotions for years that it almost overwhelmed him every time he thought back to that time in his life.
“No, Jamie. Enough is enough. I can barely live with the fact that you are gay. Do you know how ashamed I am? Do you know how the women at the book-club look at me? But being a queer and a teenage dad – tha
t is not how I raised you. You should be better than that.” Jamie’s mother raised her voice. It almost sounded cruel now.
“But mom...” Jamie said again, still hoping to get her attention and to get an opportunity to explain himself.
“If that Lauren is going to ruin your life and you are willing to play along, then I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore.” Jamie's mother turned her back on him and started doing the dishes. It was her way of showing him that the discussion had ended.
“Dad?” Jamie turned to his father pleadingly. He was the man of the house and Jamie hoped to know that their bond was strong enough to overrule his mother. But he was wrong.
“You've heard your mom. And I agree with her. You have three days, after that, you are gone.” His father was as cold and as unyielding as his mother and Jamie started to cry, while he didn't dare look at his parents anymore. His last hope was crushed.
“Don't come back unless you are marrying a nice girl and certainly, don't come back with that bastard-child. I don't want to see it.” Jamie's mother spat out and pointed to the door with a hard stare. Jamie knew then that he had to leave and that, even if he did the right thing, he would never have the support of his family again.
Jamie remembered the conversation vividly. He also remembered how he had pleaded for his parents to support him, to still love him and how cold they had been. And now, his father wanted forgiveness and to be part of Jamie's life again. After all they had done to him. If it hadn't been for his parents, Jamie would never have needed to start hustling. He could have gone and finished his degree, been an architect instead, he was nothing but dependent on other people's generosity. A sudden anger flared up in him and he wanted to scream. What had felt good and right: to be in his father's arms again, didn't feel good and right now. How could he have acted on such impulse? He always was level-headed and maybe, if Agnes had not got out of the car, he wouldn't have talked to his father.
When The Right Door Opens Page 10