by Ella Miles
“And her heart?” I ask, swallowing hard.
Logan shrugs. “You’ll either have it or you won’t. But either way, Victoria will be happy.”
“I need a napkin and a pen.”
Logan frowns as he moves down the bar and grabs me a napkin and a pen from his pocket and places them on the bar in front of me.
I start scribbling on it.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m starting at the beginning and writing an apology for every time I’ve ever hurt her.”
I stop writing and Logan snatches the napkin out of my hand and starts reading.
“I’m sorry for stealing your only barbie from you when we were little. It was mean. I was six and didn’t know better, but it still isn’t okay. I watched you cry and I didn’t give it back. I’m sorry,” Logan reads. He glances at me. “You really are starting at the beginning.”
I nod.
He flips the napkin over and I try to snatch it back before he reads the other side.
“I know you are too old for barbies now, although I’ll send one for Sailor to play with. But for you, I need you to do something for me. I miss kissing you, desperately. Your lips are what I dream of every night. Don’t let your luscious, fuckable lips go to waste. Kiss a stranger, or a lover. Kiss someone for me.”
Logan stares down at me when he finishes, completely silent. “You really love her, don’t you?”
I nod. “I think I’ve always loved her. I just didn’t understand how to love someone. I’m still not sure I do. My family taught me how to treat people like shit. And the only way I got out of the situation was by having a ruthless career that took down anyone and everyone in my path. Even Victoria.”
“Why a napkin?” Logan asks, offering me no comfort. He doesn’t say that I already know how to love, which only makes me realize that taking this time is my only chance at figuring out exactly how to love.
“Because it’s what I wrote on and gave her the night Lily announced our engagement on television. The night Victoria decided to get her revenge. I could write on paper, but writing on napkins lets her know that I’m thinking about her always. Even when I shouldn’t. Even when I’m just having a drink or grabbing a bite to eat. I’m not just sitting down to write a long note in order to try to win her back when it’s most convenient for me. I’m always thinking of her.” Always, forever, I’ll never stop.
17
Victoria
I hold the envelope in my hand as I walk out onto the balcony.
I lean over the edge of the railing and take a deep breath as I stare at the envelope addressed from Carter in my hand. I turn it over and over again deciding if this will be the one that I finally just toss into the pool instead of opening and reading. Every time I receive one, which is at least once a week, sometimes more, I do this. I tell myself I’d be better off just tossing them out and forgetting about Carter, but I can never actually do it.
As much as I want to be over him, I’m not. I bought the house that he proposed to me. I will never stop thinking about him. Never stop loving him. But I need to get over him.
I look down at Amber and Sailor playing in the pool together. They are happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen them.
If I’m thankful for one thing about Carter it was his idea to buy a house that we can all live in. That’s what I was trying to do in San Fransisco, but it was too close to our mother. Too close to our pasts that we needed to escape. And it didn’t include Logan.
Now all of us live together. I started a PR company and have been teaching Amber and Logan how to work with me.
And our mother is out of our lives for good after what she did to Amber.
I take a seat in the lawn chair, still holding onto the envelope. I lift it to my nose and take a deep breath, smelling the hints of his cologne that always seem to rub off onto the envelope reminding me of everything I’m giving up, by giving up Carter.
I feel his lips on mine and my body immediately wakes up. I open my eyes and stretch, loving waking up to him in San Fransisco.
“I could get used to this,” I say wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him into another kiss.
“I brought you breakfast,” he says.
I bite my lip. “What if I want you for breakfast?”
He grins and pushes my arms above my head. “I figured you would say that.”
“What are you going to do about it?” I tease.
He reaches to the nightstand where I see he’s made eggs, toast, and bacon. Suddenly, my stomach growls at the sight of food.
Carter grabs something next to the plate that I don’t realize is a tie until he ties my arms above my head and then to the headboard.
“Carter, I don’t think I can handle being tied up,” I say, my voice nervous.
He grins. “I know. You like control too much. But sometimes, this is what you need.”
He grabs the hem of my tank top and lifts it up, but not all the way over my head. Instead, he lifts it just high enough until it is covering my head.
“Carter, I can’t see.”
His lips come down on mine and he kisses me gently.
“I know,” he says again.
His lips trail down my chest sending chills all over my body. He’s kissed me like this before, but I’ve never felt such intensity. My arms squirm over my head and my breathing picks up. I love it and hate it at the same time. I don’t want him to stop, but I really want him to untie me and uncover my eyes.
“Just focus on your breathing Victoria. You can do this.”
I take a deep breath in and out and then I feel his lips back on me again. And I forget about breathing. I forget about anything but him.
He pushes my legs apart as his cock rests between my legs. His lips and tongue continue to kiss me and I can’t breathe. I need air. He needs to remember that I need to breathe.
My arms pull hard at the tie, but I can’t get my arms free. My body squirms beneath his, trying to remind him to let me breathe.
His lips finally leave mine, and I take in a gasp.
“Do you trust me Victoria?” he asks in my ear, his breath hot against my skin. “Because if you trust me, then you can relax. You can know that I will take care of you and I’m not going to do anything to cause you pain. You can relax and let me fuck you.”
He kisses my neck. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes,” I breathe, even though I’m not sure I do. But I want to. Desperately. And maybe this is what I need in order to trust him.
One word and he owns my body. He kisses every inch of my body, making me squirm and feel electricity I’ve never felt before, even though he’s kissed my entire body before. Somehow the blindfold and being unable to move my arms makes it that much more intense.
He pushes his cock hard at my entrance, begging me to let him in while he kisses my lips. It feels like he’s asking me to open my heart as well. I’m not sure if I’m ready. Not after everything we’ve been through.
But as his cock pushes inside me, I know that I’ve let him far into my heart. I love him. I want him. I trust him.
Three things I’ve never thought I’d feel about Carter.
A tear rolls down my cheek thinking back to that morning. The sex was amazing, but he was equally as amazing afterward. He fed me breakfast bite by bite. He took care of me. And for once it felt good to be the one taken care of, instead of the one that has to take care of everyone else.
But it was all a lie. He didn’t really care about me. He just wanted me to sleep with him. And he sure as hell didn’t love me. He isn’t capable of love.
I stare down at the envelope that I’m sure contains another napkin with another apology. His apologies are good. Seemingly heartfelt even. But they aren’t enough. Not now after everything that has happened.
My life has changed, but I’m still the same person. I live my life taking care of my family. And even if I can find a way to forgive him, I won’t forgive him for getting me fired and hurting my family.
My family comes first. I can’t forgive him for hurting them.
My heart wants to know that he’s been thinking of me, but instead of opening the envelope, I don’t.
I stand up and walk to the edge of the railing. I drop the envelope over the edge and let it fall slowly down to the pool beneath. It hits the water and I know there is no going back. It’s soaking wet, even if I tried to recover it, there is no guarantee that I’d be able to read his words.
It feels right. It feels like after all these months, almost eight to be exact, that I’m finally over him. But the pain still remains.
He’s ruined my life in so many ways. There is no way I will trust a man, not after him.
But I’m not done ruining his.
I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and I dial Lily’s number like I often do every few weeks. I can check in on Carter and earn the paychecks that Lily still sends me by tweaking things to ensure that she stays on top of her game.
But this time, it’s not just to benefit her, although it will. It’s to benefit me as well. Because I need to see him truly pay for what he’s done to me and my family. He’s never going to stop paying for what he did.
18
Carter
I’m tired.
So incredibly tired.
Being separated from Victoria has driven me mad. I can’t keep doing this. Every day that goes by is like another needle getting shot into my body. And after almost eight months of getting stabbed over and over again, I just can’t take it anymore.
I’ve been sending her almost daily napkins with apologies. I thought sending them would make me feel better, but they don’t. They make me feel worse as I realize just how many things I’ve done to hurt her. I deserve to be in a lot more pain than I am in.
I thought she would respond. I thought that she would send me a text message. Send me a letter back. Even pass a message along through Logan.
But she hasn’t. Not one single word. I can’t handle not hearing from her. So even though I have four months left, I need to see her. Now.
“You’re wearing that?” Lily asks, eyeing me out of the corner of her eye from where she sits getting her hair and makeup done for another show tonight. This one is on Phoebe’s show again.
I look down at my jeans and buttoned down shirt, the same thing I always wear when we go on television. “Yes.”
She sighs. “You need to wear something more dressy. This is the last month before the election and I need you to look your best. Go put a suit on. The grey one with the turquoise tie.”
I don’t argue with her. I’ve found that it isn’t worth it. I just do what she says, whether I agree with it or not. At this point, I hope she loses the election, that way I don’t have to stay with her longer than another month.
I walk down the hallway to the small dressing room, where I find the suit that she wants me to wear, already hanging on the rack. I put it on, but something doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t make sense why she would want me so dressed up unless something special was happening tonight.
I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Lily likes to spring things on me during the interview, that way I can’t protest what she is saying. I just have to go along with it as true.
Lily is happier than usual. She’s far too excited about our interview. Something’s up. I just hope I can figure it out before she tells some other ridiculous lie about our relationship.
Lily slips her hand into mine. I fight the urge to pull my hand out of hers. I still haven’t figured out what she’s planning for the interview, but honestly, I’m not sure I care. Whatever it is, I’ll smile and go along with it. I only have a few months left and then I’m gone anyway. There is nothing she can do to hurt me anymore.
We are announced and then we walk out, hand in hand, to the couch where we will be interviewed.
I smile and pretend I’m the happiest man in the world, even though I’m the most miserable one. I’ve gotten pretty good at faking it though. That, or no one really wants to look past what I display on the surface.
We take a seat, still holding hands. Phoebe starts asking us questions and I let Lily do most of the talking as usual. I’m just here as arm candy. I’m just here to make Lily look better.
“So you two have more big news to announce? Is it wedding plans?” Phoebe asks excitedly.
“We haven’t set an exact wedding date yet. I’ve always wanted a summer wedding so maybe June,” Lily says, looking at me with a toothy smile.
I nod. Thank God she’s not announcing that we are getting married next week. That would be a hard no for me. There is no way I’m marrying Lily.
“But we do have some exciting news to share,” Lily says, rubbing her stomach.
No! I scream in my head. She is not going to pull this crap on me. I can’t keep a happy face, I glare at her a little, trying to put a stop to this before it starts.
Lily grips my hand tighter to try and get me to stop.
“We’re expecting!” Lily shouts.
“Oh my god! How exciting!” Phoebe says.
The crowd cheers and my scowl deepens.
Phoebe doesn’t miss my change in expression. When the crowd stops she turns to me.
“Carter, you look less than excited about this news. Care to share your feelings about this development?”
The crowd falls silent.
I take a deep breath. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m more than excited to be a father. I just thought we were going to wait a little while longer before we shared the news. It’s still very early in her pregnancy and a lot could go wrong. I just wanted to share this special time with her in private.”
“Aw, how sweet. Well, don’t worry. I’m sure her pregnancy will go perfectly and you two will have plenty of intimate time together.”
I don’t listen to the rest of the interview. I’m too frustrated to pay attention. I don’t know how she came up with this hair-brained idea anyway. There is no way she can pull off a pregnancy. And what’s going to happen when she is supposed to have given birth and there is no baby?
I look over behind the stage and I see her. Just for a split second. Victoria. She’s here. This was her idea. She’s trying to hurt me. Still.
She can continue to hurt me the rest of our lives if that’s what she wants, but I would prefer for her to hurt me while being mine. Or at the very least talking to me again so that I can see that she is happy without me.
The second that the interview is over, I jump up off the couch and run, needing to talk to her again. I just need to hear that she is through with me, if that’s what this is meant to be. I’m tired of playing games. If she still hates me, I need to hear it from her own lips.
When I get backstage though, I don’t see her anywhere. As usual, she disappeared before I have a chance to talk to her. She ran. Again.
I run my hand through my hair and take a deep breath. I’m going to find her. This ends now.
“It was Victoria’s idea, but I’m guessing you have already figured that out,” Lily says from behind me.
I turn around glaring at her. “I’m done, Lily.”
Her lips curl up into a sly smile. “No, you aren’t. We are just getting started.”
“No, I quit.”
“You can’t.”
“I just did.”
She shakes her head and places her hand on my chest. I grab it and remove it.
“You’re mine, remember? If you want me to keep paying you and Victoria, you will do exactly as I say. I’ll ruin your careers if you leave.”
I smirk. “I have a feeling Victoria negotiated her own contract that doesn’t include me behaving.”
Lily narrows her eyes and her smile falls. I know I’m right about Victoria.
“You’ll never work as a fixer again.”
“I don’t plan on fixing anyone’s problems other than Victoria’s ever again.”
“It’s too late. If you leave now, everyone will just think you’re running out on this baby.”
&n
bsp; “No, because there is no baby Lily. You’ll tell them you miscarried and the pain was too much for our relationship. We couldn’t stay together. You might actually get some sympathy votes.”
I turn and walk away not caring if she follows the miscarriage plan or not. I don’t care if every person on the planet thinks I walked out on a baby that doesn’t even exist. And if the baby does exist, it’s definitely not mine. The only person I care about is Victoria.
“She doesn’t love you,” Lily says, trying to get one last punch in before I go. “That’s why she came up with this plan. To send a message that she hates you. That she wants you out of her life. She wants you with me.”
I hesitate for just a second. Lily’s right. I’m sure that Victoria hates me. But we’ve hated each other before, and somehow also loved each other. The hate can still be there, I just hope the love isn’t gone.
I walk out of the building and straight to the bar that I found her in last time, eight months ago.
I look into the window and find her sitting in a booth, her back to me.
I smile and take a deep breath. She may hate me, but she wanted me to find her. She wanted me to fight for her. So here I am.
I walk into the bar and take a seat across from her at the booth. The table is high, and she leans on her folded arms that rest on the table. She looks different when she looks at me. Her eyes glow brightly. I can’t read her emotions, whether that’s a happy or sad look. Of anger or joy. I can’t make sense of her expression.
“I missed you, Victoria.”
She looks down at her hands. “I missed you, too.”
My heart beats wildly at that. I still have a chance. But this is probably the last chance that I will ever get.
“Can I get you something to drink?” I ask, hoping that if I get her a drink, then maybe she will stay long enough for me to convince her that she still loves me.
She shakes her head.