“What? That is horrible!” I cried aghast.
“Like I said, mate bonds are complex . . . and the way yours was left unsealed for over a decade? It isn’t something that happens, Vivi. I do not know what will come of it. Having a one-sided bond could not have been easy for him. It would leave a hole that could not be filled and to be separated from you as well? His sacrifice was greater than any I have ever heard of and as is usual with rituals . . . the bigger the sacrifice, the more reward.”
“Thanks for the head’s up,” I growled and he laughed aloud.
“I hardly expected you to take my ritually prepared blade and use it for a different purpose. Even he didn’t see it coming.”
“It just . . . felt right,” I admitted, and he nodded.
“I fear that the two of you were inevitable from the start.”
“It would seem that way,” Rowan agreed from the doorway, startling me.
“What are you doing here?” I yelped.
“I have been sent to retrieve you.”
“How did you even know where I was?” I asked warily. Farran and Rowan shared a look.
“Mate bond.”
“Seriously?” I complained.
“I have been bonded to you for much, much longer . . . and since you sealed the bond, I have noticed things shifting and strengthening. I can easily find you, and even . . . feel your emotions from a distance,” he apologized, and I sighed.
“What else?”
“This morning I . . . well, I heard some of your thoughts.”
“You what?” I screeched, jumping up and knocking my chair backward. I was absolutely mortified.
“It is not so different from feeling your emotions,” he said.
“It is very different and you know it. At least you don’t always know why I’m feeling the things that I am!” I thought of me trying to explain my mixed emotions to him this morning and seethed. He had known what I had been thinking already, and he hadn’t told me.
“I know this upsets you, but I will not lie to you to make you feel better. Our bond will only continue to grow now that it is sealed. This is what I feared from the beginning!” he barked.
“What? That you would have to hear my insipid thoughts?” I jeered, and he frowned.
“No, that you would grow to resent me for things I cannot change.”
“I was fine with it Rowan, I wanted to be tied to you . . .”
“You wanted to, but now you do not?” his voice was merely a whisper.
“It’s just a lot to take in at once. We are joined together, mind, soul, and body! If you die, I die. I have no private thoughts, emotions, or moments to myself!” Anyone would agree that it was a lot to take in. Why was he looking at me as if I had punched him?
“I would not have allowed you to take the oath,” he growled, and I flinched.
“You what?”
“If you would have taken a moment to think, to discuss the matter with me, I would not have allowed it. Instead you acted as you always do, with no regard for consequence. I warned you, Vinnie, time and time again to stay away, to stop and think! Look at where we are now: exactly the last place I wanted to be!” His regret mingled with the anger that was building inside of him. My heart began to hurt as insecurities began to flood me. I blanched as I took in his words. He would not have chosen to be fully bonded to me, would have denied me. He regretted the choice he made as a child, wished he could have changed it. I felt the tears hot behind my eyes and ran before they had the chance to fall.
I flew out of the doors and shifted. My tigress didn’t care to cry, couldn’t if it wanted to. I ran quickly through the streets and people rushed to get out of my way. I took the winding road that lead to Briony’s house without realizing where I was going. I ambled up to her house and sat on her front porch next to her grandmother. She was even smaller than Briony, dressed in a housecoat with one gnarled hand wrapped around a glass of iced tea. Her gray hair was short and curling at her neck. Her wrinkled face was soft, but her emerald eyes were sharp. She glanced at me from her rocking chair and took a sip of her drink without speaking a word.
I saw Rowan’s lion approaching and let out a loud roar of anger. Of course he would know where I was, he could track me anywhere now . . . could probably hear my thoughts, feel my torment. It was embarrassing.
“You must come, Mauve is waiting.” He pleaded into my mind.
“Screw Mauve,” I replied as Briony’s grandmother looked from me to Rowan.
“Go on, get. She doesn’t want to deal with you right now,” she barked, and I laid at her feet with a loud thump.
Rowan turned and ran. My heart was aching already. He just didn’t understand. It was all so overwhelming, so much in such a short time, and now if I died, it was likely he would too. I couldn’t handle the thought . . . and worst of all, he was right! He had warned me again and again, tried to keep his distance and slow the pace. I had just kept pushing and pushing. This was all my fault.
Briony’s grandmother started telling me about how she “couldn’t keep the damn rats out of her hen house” and discussed ways to go about fixing it. I listened to her ramble for a long time, eventually lulling off into a cat nap to try and shut off the ache in my heart. I had awoken to find that she had moved on to talk about the best casserole she had ever tasted and saw Briony jogging up the road, bags from the market district in hand and concern on her face.
“You OK?” she asked when she stopped in front of me on the porch.
“Men trouble,” Briony’s grandmother said, and she sighed, opening the door to the house.
“Come on then,” she said, entering the door of the old farmhouse.
I looked around the room as Briony kicked her shoes into a basket and proceeded up the staircase directly across from the door in the entryway. The walls were white and the floors were a dark hard wood, there were large open doorframes on either side. I glanced to the left and saw that it lead to a dining room with a farmhouse table. There was another door that I assumed led into a kitchen. To the right was an enormous living area filled with big fluffy couches and chairs. A fireplace sat in the corner and book shelves lined one wall.
I followed Briony up the stairs and into a hall with several doors, all closed. She stopped at the second and motioned for me to enter. I stepped into the room and immediately knew it was her bedroom. The walls were yellow, and there was a fluffy lavender rug that matched the quilt on her bed, which appeared to be homemade. I was willing to bet her grandmother had made it for her. A desk sat in the corner covered in crystals and gemstones, along with wires and tools I assumed she used to make her jewelry. A chest and drawers sat in between two other doors.
“One’s a closet, the other’s a bathroom,” she said as she caught my eye. I nodded, still in tiger form, and flopped down on her rug.
“You want to talk?” she asked as she laid the bags that were in her hands on the bed.
I shook my head no.
“OK, maybe in a bit. Do you want to see what I got in the market district?” she asked, and I nodded. She reach into the bag and pulled out a pair of black stilettos. “Gorgeous, right?” she asked, and I nodded looking at her feet.
“You want me to try them on?” she asked, and I nodded again. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could walk in heels that were that high. She slid her feet into them and kicked a leg up onto the frame of her bed to show it off.
“They look great right, and they add about five inches to my height, so that’s a plus.” She sighed, and I shook my head.
“Being taller isn’t a plus?” she scoffed, and I shook my head again.
“So it is a plus?” she asked, and I growled.
“This would be a lot easier if you would just stop hiding behind your tiger,” she grumbled, and I blew a long huff of air through my nose before I decided to woman up. I shifted and immediately the tears started to flow.
“Oh, oh my!” she said, startled, and reached out to hug me as a sob broke free from my t
hroat.
“Rowan said you were angry with him, not that you were upset! What is going on?” she asked, and I pulled back from her.
“He sent you here?” I grumbled, swiping at my traitorous tears with the backs of my hands.
“Well, I was coming home soon anyway, but he told me you were here, so I came.”
“Well, he’s . . . an idiot, a jerk,” I lied, and she frowned.
“What did he do?” Concern filled her voice.
“I . . . I don’t know if I’m allowed to tell you.”
“You are allowed to tell me anything you damn well please and know for certain that I won’t tell a soul,” she hissed, worry tingeing her voice.
“Rowan and I, we aren’t just dating . . . it’s more complicated than that.”
“Explain.”
“We’re kind of . . . blood mates.” I blurted out and her eyes widened. She took a slow and steady breath as she sat down on the side of her bed.
“How did that even happen?”
“When we were children, he was taking the oath to protect me, and my mother refused to bind him by her terms, and so he spoke his own oath. When he reached for the blade I grabbed it. I thought he didn’t know he would hurt himself. My blood coated the blade, and he swore the oath, tying himself to me.”
“Oh my word, that is heavy,” she replied and I snorted.
“Tell me about it.”
“So that tells me how he was bound to you, but not how you tied yourself to him.”
“I did it without asking him . . . during the dagger ritual . . . he said he couldn’t do it and he yanked the dagger back from me at the last moment, cutting his leg. Seeing me injured has a harsh effect on him. When he said he couldn’t finish it, he held the dagger out to me, and I grabbed the blade and joined our blood. I said the oath and sealed the bond.”
“Without understanding what it was you were actually doing . . .” Briony finished, and I nodded.
“It just felt right. Like his blood was calling out to me, but we fought earlier. He can feel my emotions, he always knows where I am, and he admitted to hearing my thoughts earlier. I didn’t take it well . . . especially when he is working to block his own feelings from me.”
“Why is he doing that?” She puzzled.
“His emotions are complicated; they were affecting me strongly. I attacked Malachi because he was angry with him,” I admitted and she nodded.
“So he is doing it to protect you.”
“In a way, I guess,” I admitted unwillingly.
“So what’s the real problem here?” she asked.
“When we were arguing, he said he wouldn’t have wanted me to seal the bond. That if I would have asked him, he wouldn’t have allowed it. That he knew this was what would happen if I did, that I would resent him and make everything more difficult. He said he warned me, and like always, I did what I wanted without thinking of the consequences.”
“Ah. So he hurt your feelings.”
“How would you feel if the man you loved told you he wouldn’t have chosen you?” I cried, clutching my chest.
“Oh, Vivi . . . that’s not what he meant, I’m sure of it. You know how he is; he has the odd way of speaking that mixes everything together.”
“He meant what he said, Briony. I could feel the truth behind his words. That’s another bond perk: no lying!” I complained, wiping another rogue tear roughly from my face.
“I can’t imagine it is easy having this bond so early in your relationship, when everything is still new and insecurities are still there . . . most people who decide to do the bond wait until they are married and sometimes even longer than that to join together so completely. A lot of couples never do it at all.” She sighed, and I sniffled, trying to control myself.
“It seems so stupid. I know we could all die tomorrow, and I’m blubbering because I’m feeling unwanted and embarrassed.”
“It’s not stupid. Regardless of what happens tomorrow night, this is important to you and to your life from here on out.”
“It’s just frustrating. I feel like all I ever do is force myself on him, and all he ever does is pull away. I just pushed and pushed until he caved, and then I made sure it stayed that way. I am a horrible and insane person!”
“Don’t say that. You know it isn’t true. Honestly, in all the years any of us have known Rowan, we have never seen him smile or laugh the way he does when you are around, much less tell a joke or show affection. He has only ever been serious, brooding, hardworking, and quite frankly terrifying at times. You make him better, and he knows that.”
“He told me that my emotions awoke his own from within him again.” I sniffled.
“Swoon.” She quipped, and I laughed.
“Seriously though, if you could go back knowing all that you know now, all the drawbacks and even that you would fight this way . . . would you do anything different?” She eyed me knowingly.
“I wouldn’t.” I replied truthfully. I wouldn’t trade what I had discovered in Rowan for anything.
“Well, there you go. You’ve had your cry over an argument and misunderstanding, one of many more to come, I would imagine, with the temperaments you both have, and now it’s time to kiss and make up because tomorrow we have bigger fish to fry.”
“You’re completely right.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.” She laughed, and I took a deep breath, feeling better already.
“Can I ask you a personal question?” I muttered when I spotted a picture of her and Luca on her desk in the corner of her room.
“Shoot.”
“What is with you and Luca?” I asked, unsure of how to word it. Her eyes narrowed at me.
“What do you mean?”
“It just seems like maybe there is something more behind your friendship. I didn’t notice at first, but the more I see you two together the more I connect the dots . . . ,” I said thinking of the little exchanges between the two of them that no one else seemed to notice.
“We are just friends,” she said firmly, eyes not meeting mine.
“Sure, but it seems like there is a sort of chemistry between you two . . .”
“Even if there was, nothing will ever come of it. We have known each other since birth, our families are practically intertwined. Our friendship means more than any little attraction could account for. We both know it wouldn’t be worth it,” she said dismissively and I thought that sounded an awful lot like Rowan’s reasoning. I was positive that she had had this conversation with Luca, keeping him firmly in the friend zone.
“If you ever want to talk about it . . . ,” I began, but she cut me off.
“You’ll be the first to know. Now go find your man.” She laughed, and I left to do just that.
I said good-bye to Briony’s grandmother (whose name I found out was actually Persephone, but insisted that I could call her Grandma) and began walking down the road toward the city. It didn’t take long for me to feel someone watching me.
“You can come out, I know you’re there.” I sighed, and Rowan popped out of a row of corn, looking guilty.
“I only wanted to be sure you made it back safely.”
“I know,” I said without stopping as he joined me. Even though my talk with Briony had helped me see things more clearly, my heart still hurt with the sound of his voice, and I fought to keep the tears from falling. I felt stupid, embarrassed, unwanted.
“You must know that none of what you are feeling is true,” he complained, and I flinched.
“Just leave it,” I growled, and he stepped into my path. The sun was setting, it would be dark soon. The sky was a mixture of pinks and oranges. I focused on that instead of the pained look on his face.
“You must know that,” he pleaded, and I shook my head, tears filling my eyes. He groaned, pulling me into a copse of trees.
“Tell me what has made you feel this way.”
“Could you please just let me have my feelings privately?”
“Why ar
e you feeling unwanted?” he growled.
“You told me so!” I hissed, stepping away from him.
“I would never tell such a lie.”
“In so many words you said that I was careless, irrational, and that if you had the choice you wouldn’t have chosen for me to seal the bond. You would have denied me. You didn’t want this.” I gestured between the two of us and harshly swiped the traitorous tears that spilled from my eyes away.
“Vinnie—”
“No, I don’t want to hear your excuses, Rowan. I heard the truth of your words. You meant it when you said those things to me, and let me tell you, the truth does indeed hurt,” I cried, and he growled in frustration before grabbing my arms and forcing me to face him. I froze when I met his eyes, which were glowing yellow in the fading light.
“Yes, it is true that I would have told you no. I would have taken more time to allow you to gather the knowledge you would need, because I was already selfish with you once. You are so young and I am not. I am much older than I appear, and that will be a burden for both of us. The extra time I have had comes with a dark past and enemies I can only hope to shield you from. There is nothing I would not do for you, Vinnie.”
“I could feel your anger, your regret.”
“Emotions are hard for me to explain. I am angry with myself for a lot of things and regret follows me constantly . . . but Vinnie, if I said that I regret allowing you to finish that oath, that would be a lie. You are the most impulsive, intriguing, captivating, intoxicating, alluring, and terrifyingly unexpected twist in the journey of my life and I honestly do not know how I survived before you. I was drowning, slowly but surely, and you saved me. You are my light, my love, and my life, Vinnie.” His voice shook, and I felt his despair, his sorrow. He knelt down in front of me, hands at my waist.
“Please tell me what I must do to make amends for this. I am lost.” He begged. I looked down into his honey-colored eyes, pinched with concern. His tawny hair was coming loose from its tie, and I reach to tuck it behind his ear. When my hand touched him, I couldn’t force myself to remove it. I buried my fingers into his thick locks and finally gave in to what I had wanted to do as soon as I saw him.
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