by Alex Roth
He has got to get rid of her as quickly as possible because, at last, he has met Alison, the Boston woman who meets all his criteria- after all these years! He blows up a photo of her, spiky hair, wearing a man’s shirt and denims with boots. He marries her and brings her to Australia, a land far, far away from Boston. Once in Australia he puts her (yet again) on his special diet and she obediently loses weight and is no longer a large lady. The spiky hair disappears as well. It is now sleek, shoulder length and cut in a stylish bob. Her loose denims and man’s shirt also disappear. Instead she now wears a burgundy outfit when he brings her to introduce to his colleagues. Burgundy is his favourite colour. Now she does not look the least bit like a lesbian and this is what he wants. Our hero is here a bit of a puzzle. Why put up the large photo of Alison when she clearly looks gay and then go to all this trouble to ensure that when everyone finally meets her, she looks quite different? Let’s face it, it’s a psychological conundrum or put another way, rather odd. He makes sure that everyone one knows he is a full- blooded male by telling one or two amusing stories about their life together. Nicholas by this time is in his early twenties and one day while our hero is looking for a condom, Nicholas comes into their bedroom asking for a condom for himself! Isn’t that hilarious? This is the second condom story, showing that the Gingerbread Man thinks that condoms are affirmations of his virility.
Maryanne has learnt her lesson by this time and keeps as far away from him as possible. He ostentatiously kisses the burgundy clad Alison while in Maryanne’s vicinity, presumably in the hope of making her madly jealous. Sometimes we have the impression that he lives in a Barbara Cartland romance, books he most probably believes his lovelorn ladies turn to when he dumps them. He tries his best to have Maryanne removed from his campus. He once told her that he feared that some desperate woman would commit suicide over him. Despite his machinations, she has neither been removed from the campus nor committed suicide. Unfortunately for his ego, no lady ever commits suicide over him in Australia. We must keep an open mind about this. Hopefully it did not happen anywhere else either.
Before his new lady love arrives from Boston, he rather carelessly puts into the communal wastepaper bin a copy of two letters, one to his sad gay friend Charlie and the other to what he terms in his letter: “the-love-of–my-life.” This letter was to the large lady, of course. Leslie unexpectedly comes upon them. She has not forgotten poor Dinky’s unhappiness when he refused to visit her on her death bed. This sounds dramatic but is true. She reads the letters with some amusement. He uses all his old tricks to put his relationship with Charlie on a more intimate footing. Writing about “our dog” and sympathetically talking about Charlie’s recent sad bereavement and the hope that he, the Gingerbread Man might console him for his loss etc. Then she turns to the other letter. She does not know that he is looking for a gay woman with faraway relations. All the ones she knows about had no idea he was gay and so she imagines, the same applies to the lady in Boston. In any case, surely, she would be upset once she realises that he is writing two love letters, one to her and one to Charlie? How can the lady in Boston be the love of his life when he is writing love letters to Charlie?
The Gingerbread Man has a unique conception of veracity. When he writes that she is the love of his life he put the whole statement in inverted commas-with dashes in between the words. Why? It seems that he can’t quite bring himself to lie about love. He has also obligingly supplied the addresses of his two loves in Boston in these two letters. No trouble to Leslie, she puts the one for the lady love in the envelope to the sad gay man, and the letter intended for the gay man to the lady love. This results in Charlie cutting off all relations with the Gingerbread Man who has now proved to be something of a phoney. If we think that Alison (the large lady) will now dump him, we have sadly underestimated our hero and have become blasé about his abilities. It goes without saying that the Lesbian lady is unaffected and remains true. The moral of this story being that ladies whether lesbian or not are like their heterosexual sisters, suckers for charm but men whether gay or not are not so easily taken in. Leslie tells everyone about it and much chuckling among his colleagues is the result. The Gingerbread Man, once he hears who the culprit in this bedroom farce is, is extremely angry. He goes to the campus head, complaining about Leslie’s treachery. He does not give all the facts just makes up something plausible. Not being present, we are unsure what he said but it was unlikely to be the truth. Before he went to Boston his earring and suddenly blonde hair gave away his intentions in the U.S of A, but once he returns, he removes the earring, stops dying his hair and thinks that everyone has forgotten the whole thing. Of course, they have not and there is much speculation about his sudden marriage plans. Is this a transgender issue? Is Alison a man? Why does she look gay in the photos he proudly displays? All is gossip and conjecture. He is again the centre of attention but not in the way he likes. There is only one way out as far as he is concerned and that is to run away.
Oh, for goodness sake, we are tired of his running away. Surely this story should now end with “and they lived happily ever after”? Well, it does not. The clue lies in the fact that he made this butch lady look as heterosexual as possible. Why would he do such a thing? He called her the “love- of- his- life” when he met her so why change her? If he wanted to use her like he used his son, namely to present himself as a heterosexual married man, she had to look her part as well. He had an aim, he had achieved his aim, why go on with this scenario? Alison becomes a front for him. After the non-affair (we can’t call it an affair as sex did not rear its head, ugly or not) with Maryanne, he knew his days of conquest there were over. That was why it did not matter whether his colleagues remembered the earring and the dyed hair on his way to Boston. That was also the reason he could blow up the photo of Alison looking butch in her outfit and then change her when she came to Australia. It no longer mattered what they or any- one thought. His days at that university in Australia were over. He knows that with his poor CV the chances of getting another university post in Australia are non-existent. The only way out is to leave Australia.
Despite his theory, that the ideal for him was to marry a gay woman and move her as far away from her relatives as possible, it did not work out as well as he had theorised. We can only hope that there was no naked brushing of teeth and other disturbances to his well-planned life. Alison is intelligent and more able than he is. He finds her an administrative position at a university in neighbouring Geelong. Her place of work is about seventy-five kilometres from their home. After about a year of travelling back and forth she moves permanently to an apartment and only comes home to him on the week- ends. Her colleagues find her a little depressed. Did he plan this or was this the natural result of her finding a position so far away from his university? We don’t know as he manages to keep a suitably regretful face on moving day.
She is nevertheless, still important to him, not only for the cover she provides vis a vis the gay scene, but also because Nicholas is now grown-up (remember the condom scenario) and away at university. There is nothing visible to attest to his heterosexuality except for Alison. She is with him on the weekends, a situation he initially finds that he can manage. She is also useful in another way. She writes academic papers for him, naturally these are depicted as joint ventures but his name always gets first credit. In some inexplicable way our hero, having done literally nothing to show how he achieved this, becomes an associate professor. The idea of leaving Australia becomes more and more attractive. Not only because he won’t find another university post but also because even the weekends with Alison have become intrusive. He wants to get away from her. No matter what he does, Alison naturally continues to love him. Even her Facebook page has a photo of him, with her in the background. We know who the important one is.
Chapter 10
Saudi Arabia
He leaves Australia and finds a university position at the King Faisal University in Riyadh in Saudi Arabia, the dumping g
round of all unemployed university lecturers. It seems a clever move. The pay there is good, but there is no pension and the living conditions can be described as suffocating. The foreign teachers are isolated and live in special quarters. For the Gingerbread man, the situation is just what he likes. The chances of finding lonely and unhappy women there is probably just as good if not better than elsewhere. If they weren’t lonely and unhappy they would never have gone to such a destination. Saudi Arabia for foreigners is said to be so oppressive, that foreigners employed there spend their money on going to less oppressive place like Bahrain or Abu Dhabi every chance they get. Is this what happens to the Gingerbread Man? If it did, this would explain his perennially poor financial position, as such a situation would not leave him much in the way of savings.
He now teaches English to Arab men in a bridging course, enabling them to enter the university proper at a later stage. By this time Alison, who is no dummy, has obtained a doctorate herself and is now teaching at a university back in Perth. Nicholas has flown the nest and is in London. The chaste image, cultivated by him for so long is no longer necessary. All talk of Catholicism and joining the priesthood are no longer a part of his vocabulary. He has a wife. Fidelity to the sacred marriage bed that he now professes only raises his esteem among the lonely ladies in the foreigners’ compound in Saudi Arabia.
In Saudi Arabia, one has been led to believe, the government punishes gays severely. Sharia law to which Saudi Arabia prescribes, forbids smoking, drinking, going to discos and especially mixing with an unrelated member of the opposite sex. There are no cinemas, clubs or bars, only malls and mosques and patrolling morality police who see to it that Islamic law is strictly enforced. If they catch a boy and girl on the same table at the mall without a chaperon, they haul them off to prison. In Saudi Arabia sodomy is punishable by death. Openly the Saudis are repelled by homosexuality. All this sounds most depressing, so why does our hero stay there for so long? Longer than any of his jobs in Australia.
Should we now be sorry for the Gingerbread Man, forced to stay in such depressing surroundings, not a bit. A surprise awaits gays who find work there. It turns out that Saudi Arabia is gay heaven! If they maintain a front, men can do what they like in private. In addition, for many Saudis, having sex with other men does not make a man gay. It fulfils a need. It’s interesting that a “need” such as this must immediately be fulfilled. The strict segregation of men and women leaves men with no other choice. Self- control is apparently not an option. Cruising and making contact on the internet in chat rooms created specifically for this purpose are the most popular modes of contact. If he is on top, it’s okay. “bottoms” are not okay. Oh dear, we are back to bottoms again. Can’t get away from them apparently. Bottoms, it turns out are in short supply because they are perceived as being the role of women in sex. Anybody can be a top and not see himself as gay, but he who is at the bottom is seen as gay.
Our hero has fallen into this gay heaven. We have this information from numerous books and articles on the topic. It is apparently easier to be gay than straight in Saudi Arabia. The Gingerbread Man understandably, now feels more at home in Riyadh, than he ever did in Australia. At last he can enjoy the benefits of the sad ladies in the foreign compound but no sooner does he step outside than he is besieged by cruising men, looking for action. Has he now the best of both worlds? If he is a bottom, then his popularity is as guaranteed in the gay world of Saudi Arabia as his dalliance with sad ladies in Australia was. In addition, if he acted as the bottom, then the freebies that go with that position would considerably improve his financial position. Bottoms, however, are traditionally in their teens or twenties, not in their fifties, the age now reached by our hero.
Our indefatigable source of Gingerbread Man information Leslie, discovers some additional information in the aforesaid paper dustbin saga. This consists of random thoughts written by him, pretending to be one of his lonely ladies suffering the pangs of menstruation. Leslie was stumped when she read it and so are we. No matter how one looks at it, it needs a therapist to clarify its meaning. However, it does point to his being a bottom. If true, his popularity in Saudi Arabia among both the lonely ladies and the cruising population must have been impressive. No wonder he stayed there for so long. Unfortunately for him, it is unlikely because he is too old and not good looking enough. He was never amazing and now he is aging and even less good looking than he was in Oz. Only the sad ladies are still mesmerized
Chapter 11
Leeds, UK
Suddenly, he runs off to the UK. We don’t know why. To ensure that both the morality police and the lonely ladies understand that he is married, he arranges for Alison (his proof of virility) to do a short teaching course there in one of the schools there. Gay women are as common in Saudi Arabia as their male counterparts so Alison undoubtedly enjoyed her stay there. We hope so. Why should he have all the fun? There is one girls school that has large bathrooms, the preferred venue for the unlawful activities of the Saudi women. We hope that Alison was employed in that one. As there are no shortage of ladies in the foreign compound who need his shoulder/diet/compassion and so on, he probably left his teaching position there for the usual reason- first they all love him and then they don’t and he can’t bear that.
Why the UK? Nicholas is now all grown up, married and settled in London. The Gingerbread Man fails to find a job in London but takes what he can get. His credentials for a university position are as unacceptable in the UK as they were in Australia. In Saudi Arabia, he worked with Arab students who wanted to learn English sufficiently well to do a course at the King Faisal University. He was there for at least ten years, if not more, so he is experienced. He finds work in Leeds where he joins a college teaching English as a second language (TESOL). Has he obtained a qualification in TESOL? Probably not but that irresistible charm can bamboozle any number of ladies employed there in taking his word for it. The Internet notes that at the beginning of the term, in September, he mingles with the guests at a tea party welcoming the new students. He is first-class at this, full of bonhomie and his twinkly blue eyes as twinkly as ever. He is a convincing speaker, sings for his supper when he must and is always, as previously mentioned, full of witty repartee. There is a picture of him at this function. He has grown a beard and has aged, of course but his hair still harks back to another time. He is full of enthusiasm and wants to start a newsletter for the college. He tries to do this in the Arab university as well but although he starts such projects, he is dependent on others to carry them out. We know he does not do much work in the academic field and this also proves to be the case in the field of journalism. Charm has no place there, unfortunately. He gets the faithful Alison to write one or two articles as she has done previously for him but such projects of his are there more to impress the new teaching job with his enthusiasm than anything else. The newsletter of the TESOL college dies the same early death as did the one he started in Saudi Arabia. The job does not last long. The college discovers that he has no TESOL qualification. Charming the new students at tea is not enough, and they sack him. He is upset. No job, no savings. What now?
He sees himself as the rolling stone who gathers no moss. If the moss represents financial security he has certainly failed to acquire any. While in the UK he writes to a financial advisor. How this letter got onto the Internet, we have no idea but it did under the heading, ‘Is there any hope for me?” He states he has no savings, gives his age as in the mid-fifties and asks for advice. The advice is that there is no hope for him. When Leslie found the letters, he had written to his two conquests in Boston, she also noted, with some satisfaction that his finances were wobbly. Leslie has not forgotten Dinky’s last days and the discovery that the Gingerbread man is effectively broke cheers her up more than somewhat. All he has is a small insurance policy that inflation has made even smaller twenty years later. Perhaps if he had not had his facelift he might have saved a little cash, but his looks are important, given his primary occupation, n
amely ensuring that as many women as possible fall under his spell. In the case of Saudi Arabia this includes the cruising population. What was more important to him at that time? The sad ladies or the gay men? We know too little about the latter aspect of his life to speculate.
As noted, the job in the UK did not last, he cannot get another and back he goes to his happy place, Saudi Arabia. That he went back to his old job shows whatever it was that necessitated his previous departure has now disappeared. Most probably it was another of those tiresome clingy women who made him not only feel hunted, but led to his growing a beard, and who have since left Saudi Arabia. He always grew a beard when he wanted to hide. Now luck finds him an Arab colleague, an academic who has written a number of books in English but whose written English needs polishing up. Our hero is the very man. He edits the books. At last he has done something that shows he deserves the title of “professor”. His name is prominently displayed on the title pages as the editor.
Chapter 12
Turkestan
His second and last stay in Saudi Arabia is again a long one. He stays there for about seven years or eight years. Then he manages to get another job, at a university in one of the previous Asian possession of the now defunct Soviet Union. So, off he runs off again, having thus far spent the bulk of his working life in Saudi Arabia. The nice thing about these places is that at last he can get his Persian carpet there at a reasonable price so perhaps one of his conquest might be persuaded to buy it for him, even if it is not his birthday. These countries are exotic (for a native Ozzie). Some of them authoritarian and unpleasant- one of them even being in the habit of boiling its dissidents in hot oil look- it up in Wikipedia if you don’t believe me! This is not the one where he obtained this position.