by Riley Storm
“If I am given any evidence of someone disobeying me, they will regret ever having done so,” she added loudly, stressing the word.
Kasperi forced himself not to suck in a surprised breath. He’d been pushing it by speaking his thoughts to Kvoss under his breath, but the Queen had just all but announced to the entire room that she suspected her Assassin of working against her, but couldn’t prove it. Bold didn’t even come close to describing the move.
“Amber.”
He looked at his mate, watching her head lift as she was addressed by the head of House Ursa.
“Yes, my Queen?” she asked, her voice raspy, thick with emotion, having already accepted her fate.
“You will continue to train here, to prove to us that you can overcome this. Kasperi is right, we must recognize that not all fit into the convenient molds we have made for them. Be strong, break that stereotype, and prove that our faith in you is not misguided. Know, however, that while I wish for you to succeed, I will not hesitate to send Kvoss after you if you fail. I must do what is best for my House.”
Amber nodded, her motions jerky and unsteady.
“In addition, until you are pronounced ready by the Magi, you will wear the collar at all times. No exceptions. Am I understood?”
Although she spoke to Amber, her eyes bore down upon Kasperi. She knew it was his fault, that he was the one who’d left the collar behind. If he hadn’t done that, none of this would have happened. No one would be the wiser that they’d been practicing without it.
He didn’t wilt under her gaze, but the tips of his swords fell by several inches, indicating his understanding. Not agreement. Kasperi—even now—watched as Amber’s right hand came up, surreptitiously touching the collar, feeling it, feeling like ten times its actual weight around her neck.
The steel was a reminder to her, and a negative one at that. It constantly reinforced the fact she wasn’t good enough. That Amber was something to be feared. A scarlet letter, the first thing that people saw when they looked at her, gave her space warily as she passed them by in the hotel, like she might lash out at any moment, for any reason, with a power few of them could understand.
Even sitting there now, the rest of the House looking down upon her, he saw it feeding her negative view of herself, reinforcing it. Every minute she wore that collar, she became less of the person she truly was.
“If everyone understands, then we are dismissed here,” the Queen said, standing up.
The crowd filed out, moving around them, giving the pair a wide berth until it was just the two of them there. Alone.
Yet not. I am here with you, Amber. If you will let me, I will help you shoulder this burden. We can do it together.
“Amber I—”
“Don’t,” she said, standing up, her eyes still on the floor, voice empty, devoid of all emotion. “Just don’t. Please. I can’t do this. Not right now.”
She turned and left the chamber, leaving Kasperi to stand and watch helplessly. She was hurting, and she—rightly—blamed him for it. All of this was his fault.
I was just trying to help.
Kasperi knew she was hurting now worse than ever before. Ostracized by all those around her, and now, in a way, betrayed by the only one who had protected her. He’d failed. When she’d needed him most of all, he hadn’t been there for her.
“How the hell am I going to fix this one?” he muttered to the empty Throne Room.
A cold anger filled him, chilling the blood in his veins as he thought about all that had happened to his mate. His House had given up on Amber. The outside world had given up on Amber. Amber had given up on Amber.
Everywhere he turned, people failed her, telling her she’d never amount to anything. Until now, Kasperi had done what he thought was necessary by yelling at those same outside people, telling them that they needed to shatter their worldviews, to put the stereotypes away, and to believe in her. Not once had he told her to do the same. Not in the same manner.
That was about to change.
21
The long, lonely walk back to the quarters she shared with Kasperi felt more like a stroll down death row. Doors closed on all sides of her. Nobody looked at her. Whispered words fell silent as she neared and struck up again when she was out of range.
It all weighed heavily on her. Like the blasted collar. Stopping her hand as it went to grab the metal, she forced her arm back down to her side. Amber had touched it a million times already; what good would it do to remind herself of it again? It was her penance, her punishment, for not being good enough. For not learning fast enough. She would never take it off now, she knew.
Maybe the Magi could make her something else, something smaller. A bracelet, or earrings, something she could wear at all times. Forever. Never letting her magic come through again. Then she could go back out among the real world, to begin living her life again. She could leave this madness behind.
Shifters, magic, archaic rules and excessive violence. Did she really feel like she belonged here? This wasn’t for her. She was a server, and a damn good one. If she could control herself, then she could work her way back up. Get her old life back.
And what of Kasperi? Just leave him behind?
It would be tough, but she knew he would understand why she would give up her magic. To be permanently without it. This wasn’t the life Amber had envisioned living. He would be okay with that. Then he could go back to his life as well, and not have to worry about protecting her at every turn. He could be free.
That was what she would do, she decided. She’d track down the Magi. Ask him to make something permanent. Maybe he could tattoo it onto her skin somehow; who the hell knew? Whatever it was, she needed her magic gone, so that it would never come back. Never bother her again.
Nobody would ever be hurt again by me. They would be safe. I wouldn’t be the monster.
Black thoughts swirled in her mind. Images, thoughts, things she’d experienced since learning the truth of what lived inside her. It wasn’t pretty, and nightmares of what she was becoming had haunted her sleep. This needed to end. She’d thought it was over today, but then the Queen had come in on her side.
The door to the room slammed open, and Kasperi came barging in, still decked out in his battle gear. For a brief second, she saw him as the reaper, come to prevent her from doing any harm—and that scared her. She’d only ever seen him as her protector. What was going on?
“Up!” he barked, motioning sharply with a hand.
“What?”
“Get up. Let’s go.” His voice was hard, commanding. Expecting obedience.
“Go where?”
Kasperi’s gaze hit her like a punch. His eyes were glinting, filled with a steel that she’d never had directed at her before. It startled her. Why was he angry with her? She’d done nothing to him!
“To fucking practice.”
His language, and the drill-sergeant-like attitude was so off-putting that she was on her feet without realizing it. Her body simply responded, because he expected to be obeyed. That realization made her livid. She was not some toy soldier to be ordered around.
Arms crossed defiantly, she returned his glare. “Why?”
Kasperi didn’t so much as flinch. “You were making good, no excellent progress. Don’t deny it,” he snapped when she opened her mouth. “Three days of hard work, and you were seeing results. What, did you think you were going to wake up one day and suddenly be a master? No, you have to work at it. Imagine what you can do in another week? A month? I’m not about to give that up now. Nor am I going to let you give it up.”
Sighing, she shook her head. “Did the Magi put you up to this? Is that what it is? He seems to want me to do this more than anyone else.”
“What? Of course not,” Kasperi said, sounding confused for the first time. “This is about you and me. We’re going to do this, and we’re going to do it together. Now get your stuff, and let’s go. We’re headed to the magic rooms. We’ll practice there.”
“Did you not hear your Queen?” she returned, not moving. “She said I’m to wear the collar at all times unless the Magi is there. Is he going to be there?”
“No,” he admitted, but forged ahead anyway. “Nobody else has access to those areas. Only us, and him. It will be private. We won’t leave. But I’m not about to make the same mistake again. We pushed too hard, not because we were wrong to trust you, but we were wrong to trust anyone else. Never again. You’re going to learn to control this, and I’m going to help you every step of the way, no matter what it takes. Now move it.”
Amber knew it was useless to argue. He was dead set on doing this. Truthfully, there was still a part of her that wanted to learn how to control it. There was no denying that being able to control magic, to be a mage, would be beyond cool. How many kids grew up wishing they had superpowers, and here she was, wish granted, and she wanted to deny it to herself for the rest of her life?
“Fine,” she said, deciding she was done worrying. Her life was already forfeited, she may as well have some fun while she was at it. Maybe she could learn enough control to actually deal with the next assholes who tried to set her off.
Grabbing her shoes, she strode out the door, not bothering to wait for Kasperi. He caught up less than half a dozen steps later, matching her pace with a casual ease that irritated her, another reminder of her height impairment.
“Why are you doing this?” she snapped.
“I told you. I can tell you’ve given up on yourself. Everyone else in your life has. The rest of my House. The outside world. Your parents. Nobody ever taught you to be what you are, and told you it was okay. They shamed you, lied to you, and cast you out. I’m not going to let that happen. I will believe in you. I do believe in you, and I’ll be damned if I’m giving up on you this easily. You’ve got potential. It’s time you realized it.”
“Oh, I’ve got potential,” she said bitterly, hating him for believing in her, for believing in her life. “Potential to do bad things.”
“What are you talking about?”
She laugh, a sad, sarcastic sound. “You saw what happened, Kasperi. What I did. You know I’m a menace.”
It was his turn to laugh, except he laughed at her, throwing it right back in her face.
“I saw someone stick up for themselves, using a power they don’t fully know how to control yet. Nothing evil about that. It’s why we’re training you in the first place.”
“Maybe,” she agreed. “But what you didn’t see, was how I felt. You didn’t see what I was thinking.”
Kasperi glanced down at her. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, that I wanted to kill them. To disintegrate them. I imagined it, saw it in my mind before I fainted. If I’d been better able to control my power, I might have done just that.” She took a slow, shuddering breath, then asked the question that had been weighing on her most heavily. “Kasperi, what happens when I can do that?”
“Then you’ll control it,” he said easily. “That’s how it works. You can’t control it now, but you’ll be able to in time. Once you can control it, you won’t let it do that sort of thing.” He snorted. “You don’t think I didn’t want to cut Kvoss’ head off today? That I didn’t picture it happening. That I wanted to cut down each of his Asps and everyone else who wants you dead for no reason other than to justify their own hatred of your kind?”
She shook her head. “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Not in the slightest,” he said fiercely, stepping in front of her, stopping her path.
“How?” she asked, looking up into his eyes, seeing the truth of his words and still not able to believe he could have such faith.
“Because,” he said, eyes softening, relaxing. “I believe in you, Amber.”
“You know that’s probably not the smartest idea, right?”
He laughed. “Whatever. What’s not smart, was running out into that field in that outfit the day I found you. I think maybe some of that cold is still locked away in your head, messing with your brain.”
She swatted at his hand as he poked her forehead with a finger. “Stop that.”
“Let’s go,” he said dismissively, putting the topic behind them, walking in silence the rest of the way.
She stared at his back for a second, then shrugged. It was interesting to see this side of Kasperi, to hear him truly open up to her, to say what he was thinking, how he was feeling. The no-bullshit, uncaring attitude was rubbing off on her a bit. Maybe she could do this. Maybe.
Following him into the training room half a minute or so behind, she widened her eyes to see him standing there, a staff in his hand, taken from the racks of relics on the center column.
“Defend yourself,” he said as the door shut.
“What do you mean?”
Tapping at his own neck, to mean her collar, Kasperi stayed silent. Amber didn’t move.
“Very well,” he snarled, and launched a bubble of red magic at her. It moved slow, sort of tumbling through the air. She lifted her eyebrows in derision and took four steps to the side.
The bubble altered course and came straight at her. It moved slightly faster than a snail, but kept coming, no matter where she went.
“Defend yourself!” he barked.
“What will it do to me if I don’t?”
“That’s a risk you’ll have to find out. It could kill you. It could make your hair stand on end. Maybe it’ll burn off all your clothes.”
She glared at him, the trace of a smile disappearing as he worked to keep a straight face.
“Fine.” She pulled the collar way, focused her mind, and lashed out at the bubble. It was wild, unpredictable, and completely unrefined.
But the red burst sliced through the bubble, popping it, killing the spell. Irritation at his treatment of her intensified, and she blocked his next two attacks as well, both of them coming at her slightly quicker than the one before.
“Carefully,” he said, casually lobbing another ball of magic at her, underhand. “Controlled.”
It was building inside her, but she fought back, keeping it in control.
“Good. See, you can do this. You’re not worthless. You’re better than you think.”
She deflected another spell, and sent one back at him. Kasperi barked with laughter and swung the staff, easily taking her spell apart.
Irritated at his casual dismissal of her efforts, she attacked him again, feeding more power into it.
“Easy,” he said, his voice calm. “Not too much at once.”
But it was too late. She’d given it a taste of freedom, and the magic surged through the hole, blasting it wider and wider.
“Dammit,” Kasperi swore. The staff came up, and it spun wickedly fast, creating a sieve-like shield in front of him out of green magic she’d never seen him work before. The stream of red energy entered the sieve and then fell to the floor in front of him like glass, tiny harmless particles.
“Rein it in, Amber,” he said calmly. “It’s not stronger than you. You control it. Pull back. Dial it back, just one notch at a time. Don’t try to just shut it off. Back down bit by bit. Don’t bite off too much.”
The magic weakened and wavered as she followed his coaching, but it wasn’t enough. It kept coming, and even as she took one step back, it struck forward twice.
“Too. Strong,” she said through gritted teeth. “Get that collar on me.”
“I’m coming,” he said, voice still calm. “Just hold on until I get there. Almost there.”
The shadow burst free within her and the energy doubled in strength.
Kasperi lost all pretense of being calm and lunged forward at her, pushing through the magic. He didn’t go for the collar though, like she expected. Instead, he reached out with his free hand, gripped her wrist, and brought it to his face. The magic died the instant she touched him.
Then he was there, kissing her, and it was gone, just like before. Cool, soothing. Everything about him gave her the strength she neede
d to cut the magic off herself. It stopped, and the sudden pressure Kasperi was fighting against was gone. Nothing between them now except their clothes.
She wanted those gone too. She wanted it all gone. The magic had departed, but in its place was something else entirely.
22
The collar was off. Her magic was subdued by something stronger, something more consuming.
Need.
Her fingers ripped at Kasperi’s shirt frantically, trembling so badly she got it stuck halfway off. Taking over, he casually ripped the material off instead of untangling it from his other arm, tossing it aside.
Marveling at his exposed upper body, she reached out, tracing lines from neck to navel, letting every muscle ripple beneath her fingertips. Kasperi’s breath caught in his throat as she stopped just shy of his waist, lingering for a moment longer. The noise drew her attention back upward, eyes wide, eager and drowning in a need she’d never known.
“I don’t understand,” she whispered as he reached out to touch her, tugging the sweatshirt off.
“What do you mean?” Kasperi hesitated, still holding her shirt in one hand, worried he might not be discarding it yet.
She smiled tightly, using her fingers to pry the shirt from his grasp, and letting it fall to the floor. “I mean, how is this keeping me calm? I’m not wearing the collar. I feel…naked, and yet it’s not trying to escape.”
“Well, you aren’t naked.” Kasperi said, paw-like hands sliding up her sides, below the white undershirt she wore beneath, until he grabbed her ribs, holding her still.
Amber bit her lip, feeling secure, and yet at his mercy all at once. Most of her life she’d hated being small, being shorter than everyone. Yet Kasperi made her appreciate it. He let her be independent and encouraged her to do what she wanted, but he was always there to protect her with his size and strength.
Now he used it in different ways, lifting her clear of the floor and holding her tight to his waist. Her tiny legs tried to wrap around him, feet barely hooking on behind his back.