I jumped up and led her back to the bed. “Sit, please. Just sit.”
I called my mother first. She said she’d call Julie’s parents. Everyone would meet at the hospital.
“Okay. Keep doing your breathing. I’m going to dress Charlene,” I said. I went from our room to Charlene’s. We’d need a bigger place. This two-bedroom ranch was not going to cut it. Having Charlene sleep in her own room only just happened. With a crib in there now, she’d never get any rest while sharing space with a baby.
I stood over her bed. She was balled up under blankets. Strands of hair were sticky with sweat and stuck to her face. A hug-pillow was between her arms. The hug-pillow that I’d bought for her. I had one, too. So when she slept in her own bed like a big girl, she could hug her pillow, and I would hug mine, and it would be like we were napping together. It didn’t just make her happy; it made me happy.
I wondered how happy she’d be to have a little brother or sister?
I peeled back the blanket, but she didn’t stir. “Charlene,” I said. “Honey?”
Her eyelids fluttered before opening. “Daddy?”
“We need to get up, get ready. Mommy is going to have the baby today.”
Her eyes opened wider and she sat up. “The baby’s coming now?”
I nodded.
She got right out of bed. I watched, amazed, as she changed her clothes and grabbed her suitcase on wheels. “I’m ready!”
“What’s in the suitcase?” I said.
“I have toys, puzzles, books, sippy-boxes and snacks. Mommy said it could take a long time, so I should pack things to keep me busy.”
I kissed her nose. “Mommy is a genius!”
The hospital was less than seven miles away. It took us nearly twenty minutes to get there. It was just after midnight, so there was no traffic. We did catch every red light, but mainly because I drove thirty miles an hour, and as soon as I saw amber light, I slowed to a stop. Was I a little apprehensive about getting into an accident? Yeah, you could say I was.
We pulled into Emergency. At the sliding doors, I stopped the car. I helped both women out and grabbed a lone wheelchair. “Sit. I’m going to park right over there,” I said. “Char, take care of your mom until I get back.”
I parked, hurried over the sliding doors and pushed Julie into the hospital, her bag on my shoulder, while Charlene followed alongside, wheeling her suitcase.
“Chase,” Julie said in a whisper. I lowered my head as I wheeled us to the front desk, past security. “I haven’t felt the baby since we left the house.”
“He’s resting between contractions,” I said.
“Chase, something’s wrong.”
I stopped at the desk. The woman there stared at the three of us. My wife had her hand on her bulbous belly.
“We need to see a doctor. Our doctor. Julie, did you tell our doctor we were coming to the hospital?”
“I did. I called him just before I woke you up,” she said.
“We need to see our doctor, please. He’s going to deliver our baby,” I said.
The woman smiled. “What is your doctor’s name?”
Brain fart. I had no clue.
“Give me my bag,” Julie said. I did. She unzipped it and took out some forms. “Everything is there. Admittance forms are all filled out.”
“Mom’s a genius,” Charlene said.
My parents entered the hospital and I walked Charlene over. “We’re going to be going in. She’s got stuff inside the suitcase to keep her busy.”
“And I brought a pocket full of change for the vending machines,” my father said. He took Charlene by the hand. “We’ll be fine.”
My mother gave me a kiss. “How’s Julie?”
“Says the baby isn’t moving,” I said.
My mother shook her head. “Everything’s fine. Go be with her.”
I joined Julie as she was being wheeled through automated doors that had swung open.
Once in a delivery room, the nurse hooked Julie up to a baby heart monitor. We all watched the blips dance across the screen as a roll of receipt-like paper steadily spit out of an opening. The nurse tore off about ten inches of paper.
“How’s it look?” I said.
“The doctor will be right in to explain things. In the meantime, please change into the hospital gown,” the nurse said, smiled, and left the room with the printout.
“Hate when they do that,” Julie said, pulling off her clothing. “She knows what the monitor says.”
I just nodded, helping her into the flower print gown. No point arguing over what a nurse can and can’t tell patients.
We didn’t wait long before a doctor entered the room, but it wasn’t Julie’s obstetrician. She looked at the monitor as she said hello and introduced herself.
“Julie, if I can have you place your legs in the stirrups, please.”
I stepped aside.
The doctor parted Julie’s knees.
I focused on Julie, keeping my eyes on hers. They were open too wide. The fear oozed from her expression.
“Last time you felt the baby move, or kick?”
“Just before we left the house. Almost an hour,” Julie said.
“Everything okay?” I said.
The doctor ignored me. “We’re going to perform a cesarean delivery. Nothing to be worried about. The baby’s heart is beating a little fast. Suggests he’s under some stress is all. Possibly while he was moving around, getting ready to be delivered, he managed to get a little tangled up with the umbilical cord.”
A man with a bed on wheels entered the room with another man behind him.
“But what about my doctor? He’s not here,” Julie said.
“I just spoke to him. He will be here in a few minutes and will join me in surgery. Mr. McKinney, we will show you where to scrub up and change into surgical greens,” the doctor said.
My stomach dropped. I pretended it had not and clapped my hands together. “Okay. Let’s do this,” I said.
I wasn’t fooling anyone. Julie just stared at me. Her hand was on my arm. “Chase.”
“Everything is going to be fine.”
The orderlies, or transport techs--whatever , moved Julie from the bed she was in to the one with wheels, pushed her out of the room and I followed.
In the operating room, both doctors stayed on one side of a drape that separated Julie at the shoulders. We could hear the operation taking place, but could not watch what was being done.
I spoke softly to my wife the whole time. Told her repeatedly that everything was going to be fine, and that I loved her. She cried the entire time. Her eyes were closed and tears just spilling down her cheeks.
When a baby cried, my breath caught in my lungs.
Julie opened her eyes. Her lips moved, but no words came out.
I felt heat in my face. My eyes watered.
Our doctor came around the drape with our baby in his arms. He lowered his cloth mask. “It’s a boy!”
“A b-boy,” I said. Now, there was no way to hold back the crying.
“He’s okay?”
“He was definitely fighting with the umbilical cord. We’re going to give him some extra air, but he should be just fine,” he said.
“Can I see him?” Julie said.
The doctor handed the baby to me.
His little eyes were open. “He’s awake,” I said, and leaned as closely to Julie as I could.
“You scared us,” Julie said. “You scared me so bad.”
# # #
“Chase, your daughter needs you,” Erway said.
I was hugging my son. Holding him in my arms. Pressing him tightly to my chest. In my head, over and over, I kept thinking that everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine.
Charlene was still on the other side of the bed, her face buried in the sheets, her sobs muffled by the mattress.
“Chase,” Erway said. “Go to your daughter.”
“I can’t,” I said, “I can’t put h
im down. Don’t make me put him down.”
She put hands on my shoulders. “Chase, your son is gone. Charlene needs you.”
He had been so tiny when he was born. “We need to fix this. You need to help him,” I said.
Erway left me. She knelt next to Charlene. “Come here, baby,” she said.
Charlene lifted her head. Her eyes were swollen, red.
I rocked back and forth with Cash in my arms.
“Daddy,” she said.
I couldn’t put him down.
“Daddy, please.”
When I couldn’t move, Erway hugged my daughter.
Chapter Twenty-Five
2120 hours
“Hey, honey.”
I opened my eyes. A dream. It had all been a dream. “Alley,” I said.
The dark room had a trace of light from the hall; it spilled in through a triangle slice between the open door and the wall.
I didn’t recognize the room.
Where was I?
Cash?
“Cash?” I said.
When I heard my voice, I knew. It was no dream. Cash was dead.
Allison hugged me.
“Where’s Charlene?” I said.
“Downstairs. Everyone is. The Terrigino brothers made us stew. Squirrel stew.” She laughed.
“I don’t think I can go down there right now.”
“You have to eat, Chase.”
It seemed like it had been days since my last meal. Might have been. The idea of eating didn’t appeal to me. Not right now. I knew what I needed to do. “I have to bury my son.”
“It’s dark out. It’s late. There could be zombies out there,” she said, and took my hand. “Chase, Charlene is hurting badly. You should go downstairs and eat. Sit with her.”
Allison was right. Of course she was. How did I ignore my daughter’s pain earlier? “Where is she?”
“She’s been sitting by a window. I sat next to her for a while, figured she’d fall asleep, but she didn’t. She just stared at nothing, really. Just kept on staring. It frightened me. I’m worried about her. You know she thinks this is all her fault. She needs you to tell her that it’s not.”
“I did. I told her that.”
“Chase,” Alley said.
“Help me out of here,” I said. I didn’t have the strength to sit up on my own.
Allison led me to the stairs. “The Terrigino’s have been very nice. Generous. Elysia and Crystal have been helping with the stew.”
“You said it was…”
“Squirrel.”
I cringed.
“Smells good.”
“Is that what I smell now?” I said. “Then you have horrible schnozzle on your face. That smells exactly like squirrel.”
Allison laughed.
I tried to smile. I knew what needed to be done. Faking it. I needed to fake things from now on. Half of my entire purpose was gone. Dead. It would be near impossible to ever again function as whole.
As we got to the bottom of the stairs, I saw two things right away. The bedroom door where my son died was closed. Across from it, sitting on the ledge of a bay window, Charlene hugged her knees to her chest.
“Hey, baby,” I said.
Her head spun around. For just a moment, she looked at me. I worried I’d lost her. My neglect had frozen her heart toward me. I took a step toward her, my arms out in an attempt to apologize, when she climbed off the sill and ran at me. She wrapped arms tight around my neck.
“Daddy, I’m so sorry. I--I’m so sorry,” she said.
Allison gave my back a rub and made her way around us.
I sat my daughter down on the stairs, and then I sat next to her. I took her hands in mine. “Baby, it wasn’t your fault. I told you that.”
“I started all the shooting. I shot that Captain.”
“I know. You told me. You had a reason,” I said.
“Not a good enough one. He could have left. Taken his boat and left. All we had to do was get off. I didn’t have to shoot him. Because I couldn’t control my temper, Cash is gone. He’s dead because of me,” she said.
I had to let go of her hands to wipe tears from her face, and brush hair from her eyes. “Charlene, you did nothing wrong. We’re going to get through this. Together, okay. In time, everything will be fine.”
It will never, ever be the same, I thought. And I really didn’t think everything would be fine, either. It was part of who I was now. A faker. An actor. I even smiled at my daughter as I lifted her chin. “I love you,” I said, which was true. “And we are going to get through this. All of this.”
“How?” she said.
How.
No idea. None at all.
“What do we do next?” she said.
“I think for starters, we stay here for a bit, get some rest and some food. I think I saw an actual bathroom up there, so we can take a shower,” I said.
“One down here, too. Not too shabby for a log cabin,” she said.
“It’s a downright castle as far as I’m concerned,” I said, gave her a half smile. If I turned it up anymore, she’d know it wasn’t genuine. She’d call me out, point and accuse me of over-acting. “You eat yet?”
She put a hand on her stomach. “I couldn’t.”
“Me either. But I think that’s what we should do now.” I was about to stand up, but she stopped me.
“Dad.”
“Yeah, honey?”
“About Allison -- I never really gave her much of a chance,” she said.
“I never really brought her around you guys much. When it was my weekends, my days with you guys, I didn’t want to have to divide my attention.”
“I know. I knew that’s what you were doing. The times she did do stuff with us, I was not nice. I mean, I was never mean to her. She’d catch me looking her up and down, or maybe finishing a little sneer,” she said. “I didn’t like her. Not for you.”
“I’m sorry you felt that way,” I said. “I was just always alo--”
“No, Dad. What I’m saying is, that wasn’t fair. Of me. I knew you were alone. Working, and doing nothing. And then happy when you had Cash and I. I knew that. I was just jealous. Once you met Allison, I knew that you weren’t thinking about us all the time anymore. I felt like,” the tears started again, “I felt like we weren’t as important to you anymore.”
Why it was different with their mother, I had no idea. She was the one who wanted out of the marriage. The one who wanted to be with Douglas, or Donald, or whatever his name was. Why didn’t Charlene feel that way about him? Her?
Maybe she did, or had.
“Charlene,” I said.
“Just let me finish. Since we’ve all been together, Allison has been nothing but great. She’s done a ton of hand holding and comforting. She sat with me for hours by the window while you slept, which was nice and everything, but what I liked about it most? She didn’t say anything. She didn’t talk at all. She didn’t try to reach out, other than by just being there with me.” She kissed me on the cheek. “I like her, Dad. I’m glad she’s part of our family.”
Charlene stood up, wiped her hands down her jeans, and then held them out to me. I took them, and she pulled me up onto my feet. “You know they made us squirrel stew?”
“You don’t say,” I said. “Smells…mmmm…unique.”
Charlene laughed.
A real laugh. She hugged me again and I held her tight. I never wanted to release her. I needed to find a way to protect her for the rest of her life. There had to be a way. I’d find it, if it was the last thing I did. I’d find a way to keep her safe forever.
Chapter Twenty-Six
The stew was not terrible. Gamey and you knew you were eating a large rodent. The freshly diced vegetables and thick broth helped considerably. The dining room table inside the log cabin was long, and like the house, handmade.
I sat on one side between my daughter and Allison. Next to Allison was Crystal. Across from us were Dave, Sues, Palmeri and Spade. At the
heads were the Terrigino brothers, Jeremy and Jason. Erway, a vegetarian, ate some carrots and potatoes while helping prepare the meal, and was now sound asleep on a sofa in the other room.
Allison didn’t seem to mind it, either. Charlene ate everything in front of her.
Dave and Sues stayed quiet during dinner. They sat close, but neither said a single word. I couldn’t figure them out. They’d bonded in such a weird way. It worked for them, but it kind of creeped me out.
“That was delicious,” Dave said. He set his napkin on his bowl and pushed back a little in his chair. I couldn’t tell if he meant it or not. Perhaps acting ran in our “family.”
Jason stood, “Would you like more? We have plenty.”
“I honestly don’t think I could eat another bite,” he said.
I wanted to applaud. Another actor indeed. Bravo. He’d told the truth, but in such a witty way as to not offend our gracious hosts.
“How about you, dear?” Jason looked at Sues.
She dabbed her napkin at the corners of her mouth. “Are you sure there is enough? I would not want to appear rude by taking the last of your stew.”
Jason smiled. “My pleasure.”
He took her bowl and disappeared into the kitchen with it.
Dave and I looked at each other. He arched an eyebrow. I almost laughed out loud.
Jason returned, steam rising from a rounded full bowl of squirrel stew.
“Oh, that’s too much,” she said.
“Eat what you can.”
“I’ll never finish all of this. It would be a sin to waste food, especially during times like they are now,” she said.
“Whatever you don’t eat, I’ll finish,” Dave said.
Again, I had to hold back a laugh. Because he still arched that eyebrow at me.
“Well, there you go. Enjoy,” Jason said.
We all watched Sues shake out her napkin and place it back on her lap.
“How about anyone else?” Jason said.
We all, at once, politely declined.
“How long have you and your brother been living up here?” Allison said.
Jason took a sip of water. “Our grandfather owned a parcel of land out here. Spent his life clearing it. When he died, our father began building the log house. His dream was to move his family from Nova Scotia down to the states and live off the land.”
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