by Soraya Lane
He didn’t reply, and she shouted at him, so angry she wanted to hurt him.
“Tell me you don’t feel the same, or are you just a goddamn coward?” Mia didn’t believe him, didn’t believe that this side of him was the true Sam. She’d lain in his arms, been loved by him, caressed by him, cared for by him. The Sam she knew was not this heartless asshole of a man! What the hell was going on with him?
His smile was cold and never reached his eyes. “I just don’t feel the same,” he said simply, before collecting his shirt and turning to walk out of the room. “I’m sorry Mia, but it’s true.”
Mia stuffed her fist to her mouth, a sob stammering in her throat, choking her as she refused to let it out. She waited, quivering, in silence until she heard the click of her front door. She slowly pulled her hand from her face, the sobs guttural, the sound of her pain howling around her as she sunk down into her covers. The bed was warm from their bodies, it still smelled like Sam, the sheets on his side rumpled, the pillows still bunched from where he’d been pressed against them.
She cried like she’d never cried before, her face wet as she buried herself into the feather pillow, curling her body tight as she fought wave after wave of fresh pain. Sam had changed her. Sam had made her finally open herself to another human being, made her show her vulnerabilities and trust in someone else.
She wanted to hate him, but all she could see was his smile, all she could feel was his warm breath against her skin, his hard body pressed to hers as he scooped against her in bed.
But Sam was gone.
She sobbed, more quietly now, her body no longer heaving like it had only moments earlier. She clutched the covers tight and shut her eyes. Now she could see him. Now she could see the ice-cold gaze, could conjure the image of him standing there, about to leave.
He was no better than any other guy who’d wanted her for her money, in fact he might even be worse. Because Sam had pretended to care, pretended that he didn’t want anything from her, then he’d lured her in, made her fall in love with him, and made her think he was falling, too. She’d known the ground rules, but the way he’d been with her had made her think they’d both been falling, pushing the boundaries at the same time.
Mia refused to open her eyes. She didn’t even bother flicking the bedside lamp off or going to lock her door. When her cat leapt onto the bed, she felt him snuggle against her legs but she didn’t greet him or emerge from where she was hiding. The covers were over her head, the pain inside of her was only getting worse, like a knife slowly being inched deeper into her heart, and she wasn’t going to move until morning.
She was never going to let herself be hurt like that again, not by Sam or any other man. She’d learnt her lesson, and the only person she could ever rely on was herself. He might have seen the real her, might have seen her for who she was and what she stood for, but in the end, it hadn’t made him any different than any of the jerks she’d been with in the past. They might have wanted her money, but Sam had only wanted her for sex; not one man had ever wanted her just for her and it hurt like a motherfucker.
* * *
Fuck!
Sam slammed his fist into the side of his vehicle, wincing in pain as his knuckles ricocheted off metal. But it didn’t dampen his fury, didn’t dent the pain and anger erupting inside of him like a tornado of emotion.
Goddamn her!
He hauled his door open, stepping back and hearing a yelp erupt from behind him. Shit! He bent to touch Blue, pissed that the dog was cowering like he was about to hit him, too. He’d never purposely hurt an animal in his life, and angry or not, he wasn’t about to start now.
“Sorry,” he muttered, apologizing and hating that even his own animal was scared of him. He’d almost forgotten Blue was with him, would have probably roared off down the drive without him if he hadn’t stepped on him by mistake. Sam pointed for him to get in, seeing the way his dog got in the back and curled into a tight ball, clearly not wanting to ride shotgun with his master in this kind of mood.
Even my goddamn dog thinks I’m an asshole.
Sam shut the door and drove, forcing himself to go slow even though he wanted to rev the hell out of the engine. It was late, there were no lights on in the main house as he glanced in the rearview mirror, and he wasn’t about to cause a scene.
He gripped the steering wheel tightly, anger rippling through him, twisting and torturing him as he fought the urge to lash out again. In front of Mia he’d put on a façade as strong as steel; in reality, he wanted to bellow from the pain he’d inflicted on her, from the agony he’d seen reflected in her gaze.
He knew because he’d felt it before. He’d been the one facing a cruel, heartless partner; he’d been the one in love and with his heart ripped to shreds. And now he’d done it to Mia, and worst of all he’d made it sound like he’d never, ever cared about her in the first place, which was a blatant lie.
“Uggggh!” he bellowed, sounding like a monster even to his own ears. He pushed down on the accelerator, driving too fast now but not giving a damn.
If he didn’t care about Mia, if he truly didn’t feel strongly about her, then why the hell did it feel like someone had a hand clutching his heart, cruelly twisting it, hurting him, inflicting pain on him? But he didn’t, he couldn’t. He’d kept part of himself back, he’d refused to get too close to her, it had just been about the sex. Hadn’t it? Who the hell was he kidding?
He should have pulled over, knew it was the logical thing to do instead of driving like a maniac, but he kept on driving through the night to get home. He needed to be in his own place. He needed to hide away from the world and figure his shit out.
Kelly’s face flashed before him, her innocent shrug hitting him like a fist to the gut as he saw the scene that haunted him playing through his mind again. When he’d found his ex in bed with another guy, in his home, in his own goddamn bed, she’d shrugged and smiled, not even concerned about being caught out. He’d noticed her engagement ring first, glinting on her finger as she demurely reached for the sheet to cover herself, her smile fake. He’d been fooled be her, had loved her and treated her with the utmost respect, and she’d been sleeping around on him the entire time.
“Come on, Sam. What did you expect, leaving me here all day alone? I thought you were traveling for a few more days.”
He’d seen red then, had yelled and hurled himself at the naked guy grabbing for his jeans, and slammed his fist into him, connecting with his jaw. The adrenalin had hit then, the pain ripping through him as he’d fought the poor bastard who’d been unlucky enough to be caught. And then he’d turned on Kelly, snarling at her, scaring her. She’d called the police when Sam had rammed his fist through the wall, claimed he’d threatened her, tried to pretend like she was the innocent victim.
He’d yelled at her, sure. He’d demanded to know what the bloody hell she thought she was doing, definitely. He’d stood there with his fists balled and his body on the verge of exploding, listening to her bullshit words once her lover had disappeared, too, but he’d never, ever laid a hand on her.
The one thing he had done was storm over to her and snake his fingers around her wrist, holding her in place as he’d tugged the diamond from her finger as she screamed. There was no goddamn way he was going to let her keep the ring he’d bought for her, promising to love her and care for her, pinning his heart to his sleeve.
The one woman he’d ever fallen for, the one woman he’d promised to love, had crushed him.
He saw Mia’s face in his mind, wanted to shut his eyes to push her away, but he kept them trained on the road ahead, forced them to stay open. Mia hadn’t deserved to get hurt, he never should have gone near her in the first place, but he’d made it so clear, hadn’t he?
Mia was everything Kelly wasn’t. She was open and honest, kind and loving. She was the woman he should have trusted. But he couldn’t. No matter how much he tried to tell himself otherwise, he couldn’t ever open himself up to pain like that again.
<
br /> I love you.
Her words cut deep. He should have held her, should have kissed her and let her down softly. He should have explained to her what had happened in his past, but there was only one person he’d ever confessed the whole truth to, and that was Nate.
Instead of dragging it out through court, Nate had told him to settle. His career had been taking off in a big way, and Kelly had claimed assault, had gone for half of everything he owned, and claimed emotional distress. Sam had sat across from her, first clenched beneath the table so damn tight he’d almost pulled a muscle, and under duress eventually agreed on paying her out just to move on and keep her quiet.
It had broken him and torn apart something inside of him at the same time. And it had ripped away his ability to love, to trust anyone other than himself and his family, and with it any chance of ever being the man he’d been before he’d caught Kelly cheating on him.
Sam eventually pulled into his driveway, cut the engine and sat in the dark outside his house. Silence engulfed him. The moon was covered with cloud, the darkness absolute, and it wasn’t until Blue nudged his arm, his cold, wet nose forcing him to surrender from his own silence that he got out of the vehicle.
“Hey,” he muttered, hand kneading through his dog’s fur. “You’re all I’ve got, buddy. It’s just you and me now.”
He needed to keep a lid on his anger. He needed to do something to contain it rather than explode, couldn’t afford to go back to the place full of hurt and darkness that he’d lived in when he’d returned from active duty. After Kelly, he’d been swept up into the bitterness and hurt that spiraled from a nasty separation, but he’d found his own way back, hadn’t become as far gone as when he’d come home from serving. He hadn’t been the same man, he’d emerged with wounds so deep that he knew they’d be buried within him forever, but he’d done it and he’d just vowed never to let it happen to him again.
“Come on,” he said to Blue, touching his leg when he stepped out of the car for the dog to follow him. “Let’s go.”
Sam used the torch on his phone to light the way to his stable block, knowing that his ranch hand would have stabled his best horses for the evening hours earlier. He’d let Mia think he needed to get home each night to feed his own horses, but it had been a façade. He’d always had a ranch hand and he’d never had to get home, he’d just been too terrified of getting too close, of either of them getting hurt.
He’d left because staying over was for boyfriends. For fiancées. For husbands.
He’d never held her all night in his arms—even though getting up from her bed, Mia’s warm, naked body was so hard—because he hadn’t wanted to get close to her or start thinking about how nice it would be to have her in his bed every night.
He’d left because he hadn’t wanted to hurt her, and in the end he’d done exactly what he’d always feared.
Sam entered, let himself quietly into the big stable block, taking a few steps before leaning against a timber stall door and slowly, silently shuddering his back down until his butt hit the cold concrete.
He’d fucked everything up. He’d tried so damn hard, and it was all his fault.
A sob erupted from him, a noise Sam had never let out before, the emotions of everything he’d been through catching in his throat for the first time in his adult life. He’d been angrier than a bull seeing red, full of so much fury that he’d scared himself, but he’d never, ever let himself cry.
Tears slipped down his cheeks as he tipped his head back and closed his eyes tight.
He was damaged goods. He wasn’t good enough for Mia, didn’t have enough of himself to give her, and she deserved better. He was fifty shades of fucked up, and there was no way he was going to hurt Mia any more than he already had.
Blue whined and leaned against him, and he buried his face into his fur, holding him as he cried, alone except for his dog on the cold, damp floor of his barn.
Chapter 19
Three weeks later …
MIA thrummed her fingers across her steering wheel. She could do this. She could so do this. She forced herself to open the door, took a big breath and stepped out of the car. She took a look around and smiled, imagining Sam here. The ranch was beautiful; nothing over the top, but the home was beautiful and everything was in good condition. Not to mention he had some pretty amazing-looking horses grazing in the fields closest to the house.
She drank in the timber fences and big oak trees, the recently mown grass that stretched along the length of the driveway. It was strange to think she’d spent so much time with Sam, but she’d never seen where he lived and he’d never talked all that much about it. She wondered if he had any other stock, or whether it was just horses, and she strained to see a field in the distance and wondered where his boundary fence was and how much land he had.
Mia forced herself to look back at the house. What she had to do now was stop gawking at his ranch and get up to the front door, except that her boots felt like they were filled with lead and her hands were so sweaty she had to keep rubbing them down her jeans.
She had this. Mia walked up the steps to the two-story, cream, timber house and bravely raised her hand to knock. What she’d had with Sam, it wasn’t just physical. He could pretend all he liked, but she knew that he felt the same. If he didn’t then he was a damn fine actor, but she wasn’t letting him get away with walking out on her without a proper explanation. He was either an unfeeling bastard, or he couldn’t deal with his feelings, and she was hoping it was the latter. It had been almost three quarters of a month now. Three weeks of mourning him and trying to hate him, of moaning to Kat and trying to keep her heartache from her family. Of working Tex without him and trying to emulate everything she’d learned from him. Of expecting him to call and hearing nothing, and deciding that her fate rested in her own hands. It was time she gave him a second chance to see if he regretted the way things had ended between them. She knew how stubborn a person could be, because she was as stubborn as a mule sometimes, so this was Mia stepping up and putting her heart on her sleeve—again.
Mia heard footsteps and stood back. Her heart was pounding as she waited, hoping she didn’t crumble when she saw him. She wanted to stand there and tell him how she felt and demand to know if he felt the same.
The door swung open and Mia held her breath, tingles running up and down her body, her mouth opening to …
Ohmygod.
“Hi. Can I help you?”
“I, I…” Mia stared at the beautiful woman who’d opened the door. She had long dark hair and even darker eyes, and she had the cutest baby on her hip who was smiling straight back at her. A noise from inside signaled that there was another child, too.
“I think I have the wrong place,” Mia finally managed, standing back and looking around. She must have remembered it wrong, or maybe she’d turned down the wrong drive. “I was looking for Sam.”
“You’ve got the right place. Can I let him know who came by while he was out? Or do you want an iced tea? I’ve just made a jug.” The woman laughed when her daughter waved her pudgy little hand. “I could do with some adult company here!”
Mia wished she could hate her, but she didn’t. This woman, this beautiful, kind woman who was standing there inviting her in without any idea of who she was to Sam, wasn’t the one to hate. A big diamond glinted on her ring finger, a wedding band resting below it. Mia’s stomach turned. How could she have been such a fool to let Sam play her the way he had?
“Thanks, but I’ll keep going.”
Mia turned, hands shaking, legs trembling so badly she wondered how she’d even make it to the car. But the woman took a few steps, moved closer, her smile haunting Mia.
“You sure you don’t want me to tell Sam you stopped by?”
Mia turned back in time for the baby girl to hold her chubby little hand up. She waved back to her, acting on autopilot, trying not to lose it.
“We’re missing him so bad while he’s away, aren’t we pumpkin?”
The words were like a fist into Mia’s gut, winding her, felling her, making her want to scream.
“It’s fine. I’ll catch him another time.”
Blue came bounding around the corner then, and Mia dropped to pat him, unable to resist the dog. It wasn’t his fault his owner was a lying dirt bag.
“Hey,” she cooed, bending low, her face touching his fur. Tears fell and wet his coat, but she only gave herself a moment before pushing up and walking to her car. She kept her head held high, ignored Blue when he ran back to her, sending him away with a point of her finger as she’d seen Sam do.
When she was in the car she numbly clipped her seatbelt and started the engine, forcing herself to drive slowly as she glanced in the rearview mirror and saw the woman standing, still watching.
Sam had told her he wanted a no-strings-attached relationship. He’d always refused to stay over. He’d made it clear that he wasn’t interested in anything serious or committed. He’d been horrified when she’d told him she loved him and questioned how he didn’t feel the same.
He’d just forgotten to tell her that he had a wife and child at home waiting for him. That he couldn’t love her because he was already too busy loving someone else.
Tears started to fall steadily down her cheeks, blurring her vision. How could this have happened to her? How could the man she trusted so much, a man she believed was so much better than that, have used her in that way? Even when he’d hurt her, when he’d refused to acknowledge his feelings for her, refused to acknowledge the way she felt for him, she’d never hated him.
But this was so much worse than what she’d thought. She’d slept with another woman’s husband, and she was going to have to live with that forever. She would never, ever hurt another woman like that intentionally, and she sure as hell wouldn’t have accepted being the other woman for Sam if she’d known. Growing up, she’d seen the pain her mother had been through, watched her silent misery as her father had cheated on multiple occasions right up until she’d passed away. People talked, and even kids whispered, especially when she’d been a teenager and Mia had always known that for all her father’s good traits, fidelity had not been one of them. It had been awful knowing her father had a mistress when her mom was so sick.