She looked like she swallowed her gum the wrong way, and her eyes got huge and watery behind her glasses.
You must be Z.
Yup. She coughed into her hand and I let mine drop back to my side.
This is Mercy, Kayos, and Sly Girl.
She wrinkled her nose like she smelled something bad.
Won’t you sit down? I heard myself say. Jesus Christ, who am I, Martha Stewart? Why am I nervous? This chick’s like, four feet tall. Mercy, would you mind grabbing us some coffees? I slid her a fifty.
Sure, what do you want? she asked Z.
A latte?
I’ll have the same.
Me too, said Sly Girl.
Me three, said Kayos. And could you get them to make mine a triple, please? I don’t know why I’m so tired today. She yawned and stretched.
Someone keeping you up late last night? Mercy winked.
No. Kayos glared at her.
So … I said.
So? Z set her backpack on the floor and I heard the metallic clink of what must’ve been spray cans inside.
You live around here?
Yup.
Chinatown?
Yeah, all Chinese people live in Chinatown. Didn’t you know?
Sorry, I didn’t mean … it’s just that it’s around here … and … sorry. Shit, this was not going well. She was so small and so cute. She was such a great artist, she was a perfect fit for us, and I was screwing up everything.
We’re not racist, Kayos said. Obviously. She gestured to Mercy standing in line.
Whatever.
Do you, um, do you get high?
What are you, a narc or something? You undercover? Fuck this shit, man. She picked up her bag and stood to leave.
No, no! No, God, no. Please, sit down. I put my hand on her shoulder and felt a little electric shock zap me. I’m sorry. It’s just that I have to make sure before …
She sat down with a huge sigh. So what’s all this about?
Well, I said. We were wondering if you’re with a crew.
No way. Z is a one-woman show.
Would you consider joining one?
Depends.
On?
On what’s in it for me and what I have to do. She tilted her head and stared at me as if I were her mortal enemy.
I smiled. Z was a tough nut to crack.
Mercy came back with our coffees and sat down.
I gave Mercy the nod to go ahead and take over. Like my mom used to tell me, if you don’t know what to say, shut the hell up and let someone else do the talking.
Mercy gave her the spiel about who we were and what we did, and if she was with us, she’d have to be okay with it all. She’d have to promote the Black Roses through her art. In return, she would get our protection, a place to live, an equal share of the profits, and, of course, our undying love.
I’ll think about it, Z said, and stood up.
I felt a sudden pain ripple through my chest. Wait. I wrote my cell number on a napkin. Take this.
She snatched it out of my hand and was gone.
Mercy, Kayos, Sly Girl, and I were left staring at each other and shrugging our shoulders.
Whaddya think? Kayos said.
I don’t think she’s into it, said Mercy. I don’t think we have anything she wants.
She already talks like a G, anyway. She’s part way there, yo.
Sly Girl giggled.
I guess we’ll have to wait and see, I said, and finished the dregs of my coffee. As I set my mug down, a cold rush of air blew in. Z came through the door and rushed up to us, all breathless and rosy-cheeked.
Okay. I thought about it. I’m in.
VANCOUVER
These girls?
These girls are like five sudden stars, exploding into the night.
SLY GIRL
I was still workin the streets, just in a different way. Now, I was selling H, crack, and Oxy instead of blow jobs, hand jobs, and pussy. The streets were still hard and nasty, but at least I wasn’t sleepin on them no more. And I always went out with another Black Rose, usually Kayos, sometimes Mac or one of the others. It’s not that they didn’t trust me to do it myself, it’s just that they didn’t want me to be alone out there, in case some crackhead got violent or somethin, you know.
I’d stopped doin meth and heroin, but every now and then I took a few hits of crack. Just because it was everywhere, and it was easy and free. I was scared that Mac would catch me, but I hid it from her real good.
What I would do is, I’d smoke a teensy, tiny little rock in the dead middle of night. Around three or four in the morning I’d just take my pipe outta my hidin place and have a little hit. Blow it all right out the window. Once, I was this close to gettin busted by Z. She got home right as I finished. She was the only one who stayed out that late usually, sprayin up the town with our name. I wanted to go with her real bad, eh, but she said she preferred to work alone. Whatevers. She’s nice enough. Doesn’t get in my way or stare at my ugly eye. Her and Mac share Mac’s room.
Kayos and I like to work in the daylight cuz then you can see who’s comin. One afternoon, we were out, must’ve been around two or three. I’m makin a deal with Cindy, one of our regulars at the corner of Hastings and Columbia. Kayos is havin a cigarette, checkin out some of the kiff beside us. Then outta nowhere, our buddy with the spider tattoo on his neck comes chargin around the corner. He’s all huffin and puffin. What the fuck did I tell you bitches? He yells at us. Stay the fuck outta U.P. territory! Then he reaches into his pocket, but Kayos reaches into hers first, and fires off a shot at him. And then another. And then another. It’s so loud right beside my ear. My ears are ringin and hurtin bad, and he is bleedin from the heart, and staggers toward us with his arms reachin out for us. Then he falls to the ground. I look at Cindy and her mouth forms a giant O, and she runs down the street, her arms and legs all jerky like a chicken.
Come on! Kayos grabs my arm and pulls me down the alley, and we run and run and run and run and run until we’re at our house on Cordova and in the front door. Kayos locks and bolts and chains the front door, and her hands are shakin so much she has trouble with the chain. When we turn around, Mac and Z are starin at us. They’re eatin sandwiches, and Mac finishes chewin and swallows and takes a drink of milk before she says, What the hell did you do?
KAYOS
Hey! Mac yelled and snapped her fingers in my face. What the fuck just happened?
I sat on the floor with my back against the door and Mac, Z, and Sly Girl stood over me. I pulled out a smoke and tried to light it, but I couldn’t get my lighter to work. I tried again and again, but it just wouldn’t. Finally, Mac flipped her Zippo in my face and lit it for me. I took a long, hard drag.
I think I just killed someone.
What? Who?
That U.P. guy we told you about, who harassed us the other night.
You shot him?
I took another big drag, held it in. Nodded. Exhaled.
Oh, fuck me, Kayos! Do you realize this is gonna fuck us up royally? This is exactly the kind of shit I didn’t want us to be involved in. Fuck!!! She grabbed her forehead. What happened? Tell me exactly what happened.
It was self-defence, yo. I swear. He charged at us, he was yelling, and then he went for his gun. He was gonna execute us right there on the corner! We’d both be dead right now if I hadn’t got to mine first. Right, Sly?
She nodded.
Sirens screamed a few streets away.
This is fucked up, Mac said.
Z rubbed her hand over Mac’s back. Just chill out, girl. We gotta stay calm right now. Let’s all take a deep breath, aiight? Okay. We’re not gonna panic. We’re all gonna be smart right now. Okay? Everybody smart? Yeah, that’s right.
Did anybody see you?
Sly Girl nodded.
Who?
Cindy, I said.
Who else?
I don’t know! Whoever was standing around at Hastings and Columbia right then. Probably lots of
people!
Christ.
What do you want me to do? I asked her.
I want you to go back in time and not fucking shoot him!!
I looked down. I had fucked up everything. For real. I’d broken the oath, I’d probably started a gang war, and I had let everyone down. I began to cry.
Then there was pounding on the door behind me, which scared the living shit out of all of us.
Hey! Let me in, it’s Mercy!
Is anyone with you? Mac yelled through the door.
No.
Move. Move! Mac shooed me away from the door and unlocked it for Mercy. She burst in smelling like pine air freshener. Hey, good news, I just loaded this Escalade onto the … What’s wrong?
Kayos shot a guy from Unified Peoples.
Oh. Shit.
MERCY
Look, Kayos, I said, I think the best thing for you to do right now is go home and be with your family. Go have dinner with them. Stay in. And make sure they stay home with you tonight. Play Monopoly or something.
She rolled her eyes and wiped the tears from her face.
Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.
I grabbed her arm and pulled her up off the floor. All the colour had drained out of her face, and she’d chewed her lower lip so hard it was bleeding.
I’m sorry. I—
Hey, it’s going to be alright. Black Roses stick together.
I’m really sorry, she whispered.
I put my arms around her and squeezed, then motioned with my hand for the other girls to join us. At first they hesitated, but after a minute we were all in a big clump, hugging Kayos and each other.
Bad bitches don’t die, I said. And they all repeated me in unison.
On the way to her place, we passed a ghost car, and she ducked low in her seat and pulled her hood up over her head.
How old are you again?
Fifteen.
Right. Well, hey, worst-case scenario, you get caught and go to juvie for a year. It’s no big deal, not like it’s hard time or anything, it won’t even go on your permanent record.
Really?
Hey, don’t worry, okay? We don’t even know if he died or not yet.
Mercy—
What?
I shot him three times in the chest.
Hm. I stopped at a red light. Drummed my fingers against the steering wheel.
She lit a cigarette and rolled down the window. Motherfucker was headed to an early grave anyway, she said. Seriously. Thinking he can fuck with us? Fuck that gutter scum. She spat onto the road.
I stifled a little laugh. What could I say? The girl was tough.
Yo, I’m not saying he deserved it, but he probably did. He probably killed tons of people already, and he was about to kill me and Sly Girl next. I mean, I did the right thing. Right?
I stared at the glowing stoplight.
Right?
Yeah, I nodded. You did.
When I pulled up in front of Kayos’s house, I got a small shock. You live here? I whistled through my teeth. Damn, girl. You’ve been holding out on us.
The house was a three-storey, three-car garage monstrosity with fancy-ass landscaping, a fountain, marble lions, the works. It looked like it belonged on the cover of a magazine. I sat staring at the house; it was practically a mansion. If she lived here, what the hell was she doing slumming it with us on the Downtown Eastside?
Thanks for the ride. She slung her backpack over her shoulder and slammed the car door.
Hey! I leaned over to the passenger window and called after her. Be good!
She rolled her eyes. Right.
I motioned for her to come back over to the car. Just lay low for awhile, okay? Stay here. Don’t come downtown. This’ll all blow over in a few days.
But—
We’ll call you when it’s safe to come back.
Okay. She bit her lip.
Later.
I pulled away from the curb, glancing in the rear-view to see her give me a limp wave.
SLY GIRL
After Mercy and Kayos left, I went into my room and shut the door. I sat down on my bed and just started shakin. I felt like I was gonna throw up. And then, I did. I threw up on a towel, then rolled it in a ball and shoved it in the back of my closet. I just couldn’t deal with it right then.
Kayos shooting that U.P. guy somehow brought it all back, everythin I thought I forgot—everythin I been tryin so hard and long to block out—flashed in front of my eyes like I was seein it all again on a movie screen.
I seen a lotta crazy shit on the rez. I seen my cousin Bo get shot in the belly and bleed to death in my kitchen. I seen my brother Lenny get shot in the shoulder, the red flesh all ripped up like the inside of a fish. I seen Lenny stab a guy by the basketball courts, stab him in the neck with a broken beer bottle. I seen my brother, Eugene, get shot in the back, get paralyzed for life over a fifty-dollar debt. I seen one of my mom’s boyfriends smack her across the face with his gun because she smoked his last cigarette. I seen my brother Neil push his girlfriend down the stairs so she wouldn’t have her baby. I seen the cops bash my brother’s hands with clubs until all his fingers were broken and hanging from his hands like bloody sausages. I seen my mom threaten to kill my uncle with an axe. I seen my cousin shoot a dog in the head with a .22. I remember my uncle Leo stickin his gun up my asshole, makin me tell him I liked it. Then stickin it in my mouth. Askin me if I wanted him to pull the trigger. Yes, I’d nod, gaggin on the gun. Yes. Do it. Just do it. Please. And I meant it.
Then he would.
Click.
The gun would click inside my head so loud, but the chamber was empty, and I still wasn’t dead.
But you know I wanted to be.
I remember gettin shot in the face. Knowin that my whole life was blown apart at that moment. Knowin that now I didn’t stand a fuckin chance.
I got out my pipe and smoked a fat rock, then lay down on my bed and tried to stop shakin. I closed my eyes and let the hot tears slide down my face. It was all I could do.
Later, Mac knocked on my door. I was afraid she had smelled the crack burnin and was gonna kick me out, but when she came in, she didn’t seem mad.
You okay?
I nodded, wiped my nose on my sleeve.
She sat down on my bed. You ever see someone get shot before?
Yeah, I said. Too many people.
She nodded. After a minute she wrinkled up her nose. It kinda smells weird in here …
I puked, I said.
Oh.
Yeaah.
Is there anything I can do for you, Sly Girl? Do you want some tea or soup or something?
I looked down at my dirty nails. I dunno.
I’m gonna make you some chamomile tea. It soothes the nerves. Okay? She put her hand on my shoulder and I flinched.
Okay.
Alright. She closed the door quietly behind her and I could hear her and Z whisperin in the hallway. I was glad they were there. I was glad I didn’t have to do everythin alone no more.
MAC
I’ve never thought of myself as a lesbian. Never pictured myself in a relationship with a woman. Only ever been with men. All of them stubborn, selfish—still boys, really. I’d thought of dykes as weak and kind of nasty, actually. But then I met Z. And the truth is, I don’t know what the hell happened, I really don’t. But now it’s too late to do anything about it, because I’m already in love with her.
She moved in with us after she signed the blood oath. She shares my room. I guess it’s our room now. The other girls don’t know. I’m not ready for them to know. It would cause weirdness between all of us. Jealousy. Whatever. I’ll tell them eventually. Just not now. Not yet. It’s not that I’m ashamed of us or anything, it’s just … it’s politics, you know? Even though we’re a family and share everything, I want to keep this private. Just for now. Just until we’re ready.
Z is amazing. Oh man, she’s so, so, so great. I never really felt like anyone cared about me, you k
now? Not like she does. She makes me these special fancy meals. And cookies. Cookies! She rubs my feet, my back. She draws these crazy awesome portraits of me in her sketchbook. She … she makes me feel beautiful.
It’s like she can see through me. Can see right into my soul. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but I don’t know how else to describe it. I can’t fake anything with her, know what I mean? It’s real. In one life, I’m this hard-ass gang-banger taking the world on, but when I’m alone with her, there’s no more armour, there’s no more walls, I’m just this sappy puddle of joy. It’s terrible, I know. There are so many reasons I shouldn’t be doing this. It can only end badly. It’s not good. But right now, it’s so good. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop it; I tried and it didn’t work. She’s too good. She’s gentle. She’s kind. She’s funny. She’s smart. She’s a brilliant artist. It’s like she’s everything I’ve always wanted to be but could never be. And she’s put in mad work for the Black Roses. Not only does she bomb the city with our name and make it look wicked stylie, she’s also taking care of all the little details: the groceries, the meals, the laundry, the bills. She cleans—she actually likes to clean. God, I don’t know. It’s stupid. It’s too good to be true. It can’t be real, and it can’t last. All I know for sure is this: I love her like I’ve never loved anyone ever before. And when I look into her eyes, I see infinity.
I’d take a bullet for that girl, I really would.
KAYOS
It’s really fucking annoying to have to stay home all week with your parents. I feel like I’m on house arrest. Yo, I actually went to school this week. Believe it. It was so weird. Seriously. I should probably start dealing at school since I’m gonna be there anyway. Lotsa preps at my high school are into coke now. All shiny and happy with their fucking argyle sweater vests. God.
My parents think I’m sick or something, otherwise I’d be out all the time like usual. Roger rented me a bunch of movies. Brought me some Gatorade. He hasn’t touched me in a long time. Not since I threatened to tell my mom. I think it would destroy him to lose her. I wouldn’t care about that so much, except that I know it would ruin her life. For real. As much as it’s totally fucked up what he did, Mom wasn’t doing so good before she met him. Okay, she was a mess. She’s better now. She’s off the booze. The Valium. Everything. She just shops and gets her hair and nails done, looks after Laura, and makes muffins and shit. I think she’s happy. I don’t know.
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