by Joseph Fink
And thanks to our new intern, Brad, we’ve finally solved the litter problem. Brad is very excellent at both carpentry and dark magic, so he rigged us up a fine-looking litter box that our floating feline friend can reach. Oh he’s just adorable, that cat. As a lifelong dog lover, I’ve really turned the corner. Khoshekh is wonderful. I know several others here at the station that feel the same way. After meeting Khoshekh, McKayla, who works in sales, put her three-year-old Weimaraner to sleep and then adopted six tabby kittens. She’s that much of a convert! Make sure to take some cute videos, McKayla!
And for others of you interested in getting a new cat, the Night Vale SPCA strongly recommends that you have your cat spayed or neutered, bring them in for their shots, and, once the cat reaches eighteen months, begin using the little beast to harvest human organs for those “just in case” moments. The SPCA has several one sheets on preventing heartworms and using pets to grow small “replacement” organs.
To get your copy, go online or simply make up your own informative facts!
An update on the pyramid reported on earlier: Word is in that the pyramid has spoken. It is broadcasting on low-wave frequencies a repeated message. The message is the following:
I WILL PLACE WITHIN SOME OF YOU QUESTIONS. WITHIN OTHERS, I WILL PLACE ANSWERS.
THESE QUESTIONS AND THESE ANSWERS WILL NOT ALWAYS ALIGN. THE QUESTIONS I PROVIDE MAY HAVE NO ANSWERS, AND THE ANSWERS I PROVIDE MAY HAVE NO QUESTIONS.
I WILL STUDY THE EFFECTS OF THESE QUESTIONS AND THESE ANSWERS.
SOME OF YOU WILL HURT OTHERS AND OTHERS WILL HEAL.
GROW MY SEEDS INSIDE YOU AND LET THEM FLOWER.
The Flakey O’s marketing department must be complimented for the best use of viral marketing in Night Vale since Stan’s Pawnshop released a virulent strain of Ebola back in ’98, and, as a communicator by trade, I applaud their ingenuity.
The Sheriff’s Secret Police has responded with surface-to-surface missiles, which they say will “silence the dark heart of the beast.” So far, they have not so much as created a smudge on the pyramid’s broad, shiny surface.
Home handymen. Fix-it vixens. Ladies and gentlemen who love to get their hands dirty. Let’s talk about home repair. Certain jobs are fine for the amateur, and certain others should be left to the professionals. Leaky sinks, sticky windows, minor exorcisms, and bleeding doors . . . all these are the kind of quick fixes that a toolbox and a quick search on the Internet should allow you to take care of. On the other hand, structural damage, major remodeling, seeping darkness, major exorcisms, roof boils, and lawn care . . . these are all the kind of work that should not be attempted by anyone without years of expertise and a valid Hammer License from the City Council. Finding the right professional for the job is easy. Just look in the yellow pages, or head down to the squatter shacks by the edge of the sand wastes and ask around among the homeless.
And now a public service announcement from the Night Vale medical community.
Being in the desert, we get a lot of sun, and doctors are encouraging Night Vale citizens to do regular skin checks. You may think that freckle or mole is harmless, but you never know when it will grow into something much worse.
Surgeons at Night Vale General Hospital are noting an uptick in dermatological growths related to sun exposure. Doctors describe these growths as fifteen-inch spiraled horns. The horns mostly protrude from the lower back or knees. Unchecked, these horns can develop a glistening shine, small leather saddles, and bright red lips on the very tip.
So check your skin at least once a week in the mirror. Dermatologists recommend a three-step process:
1. Search meticulously for fifteen-inch horns protruding from your body. Don’t overlook anything.
2. If you find any suspicious growths, mark them with a chalk pentagon.
3. Gently remove the affected skin area with a sterilized razor blade (or similarly clean crafting blade). If you are not one of the fifty-three percent of our community that was born without pain-sensing nerves, you should first consult your primary care electrolysist for tips on how to numb yourself to the nigh unbearable pain of existence.
The Department of Public Safety announced that all street signs in Night Vale will be replaced with traffic cops wielding semaphore flags. Drivers will be required to learn this physically expressive maritime alphabet.
This decision is not without its controversy, as the existing street signs are entirely in Braille. One critic, Paul Birmingham, says removing these signs will deflate the earth. As a member of the Air-filled Earth Society, Paul believes the earth is a precariously inflated orb that could pop or sag at any moment. “We’ve got to stop teaching all this religious propaganda in our schools and start teaching real science,” Paul shouted from his lean-to behind the library.
I have to admit, listeners, he makes a valid point.
And now, a word from our sponsor. Today’s program is brought to you by Audible.com, your online source for recorded books.
There are thousands of great titles at Audible.com that you can download to your computer or portable device and listen to on the go. I use Audible to catch up on bestselling titles like The Help and VangoNotes for Technical Communication, 11/e.
I’m on their website right now, and I’m typing in a search for “Dog Park,” because I was thinking about this town’s beautiful new fixture and how I will never, ever take my dog there. Let’s see what Audible comes up with. Ah, it’s a flashing black and red screen that says “Thought Crime” in all caps. And below that a little animation of two digging workers: “Under construction.” That’s adorable!
So check out Audible.com. New Audible members can get one free audiobook just by smudging their computer monitors with baby’s blood and humming the Spanish translation of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” Audible.com: You can’t burn what you can’t even touch.
Update on the pyramid situation: Flakey O’s board of directors are vigorously denying, some of them at gun point, that they have any part in the pyramid that is stubbornly continuing to exist in our town.
They are sneaky ones. I hope the new line of cereal turns out to be worth the hype.
Meanwhile the pyramid itself has altered its broadcast, sending out a second message, which is as follows:
EVERYTHING YOU DO MATTERS EXCEPT YOUR LIFE. DEATH WILL BE THE LAST ACTION YOU UNDERTAKE.
I DO NOT LIVE BUT I EXIST. WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? I WILL NOT TELL YOU.
ONE DAY, YOU WILL DISCOVER YOUR PURPOSE, AND THEN YOU WILL TELL NO ONE.
AND THEN YOU WILL DIE.
I’m not too good at this viral marketing thing, so I can’t see all the codes and hidden web addresses that I’m sure are all through that message. I’ll leave that to all the dedicated amateurs out in the listening world.
Sheriff’s Secret Police are now attempting to charge the pyramid with resisting arrest, on the grounds that they couldn’t figure out how to arrest it. More as the story develops. In the meantime, let’s go to the weather.
WEATHER: “Last Song” by Jason Webley
Well, listeners, it seems the pyramid has disappeared as mysteriously and suddenly as it arrived. Too late, I’m afraid, for the Flakey O’s board of directors, who have all been taken to the abandoned mine shaft outside of town for processing by the City Council.
The Sheriff’s Secret Police are declaring victory in their standoff against the pyramid, because, they say, it’s about time they won something.
Meanwhile, the pyramid has left behind a much tinier pyramid, a mere souvenir of its looming, inscrutable mass. This tiny pyramid is broadcasting one final message, a farewell from the geometric shape that stole our hearts. So, let us wrap up our show today with its words:
SOMEWHERE THERE IS A MAP. AND ON THAT MAP IS EARTH. AND ATTACHED TO EARTH IS AN ARROW THAT SAYS YOUR NAME AND LISTS YOUR LIFE SPAN.
SOME OF YOU DIE STANDING, OTHERS SITTING. MANY OF YOU DIE IN CARS.
I CAN NEVER DIE. IT IS DIFFICULT FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT THAT
I AM ATTEMPTING TO CONVEY.
I CANNOT SHOW YOU THIS VISION BUT YOU MAY IMAGINE IT. STEP FORWARD AND TELL SOMEONE OF IT, PLEASE.
You heard it here, folks. Tell people. Tell people about Flakey O’s new line of cereals for nighttime only. Do it in memory of its board of directors.
Stay tuned now for an hour of dead air with the occasional hiss and crackle.
Speaking of the nighttime, I truly hope you have a good one, Night Vale. Goodnight.
PROVERB: “Nice bolo tie” is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.
EPISODE 10:
“FERAL DOGS”
NOVEMBER 1, 2012
I DELIBERATELY COMBINED ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENTS WITH one of my least favorite.
First off, I think I have seen Clash of the Titans (1981) more than any other film. I haven’t seen it in more than twenty-five years, so do with that as you will. But I love the two-headed dog, Cerberus.
I love all of Ray Harryhausen’s Dynamation creatures, but Clash of the Titans was on cable constantly in the early and mid-’80s, so it is my one true cinematic love.
So Cerberus: pretty cool. Two-headed killer dog. For this episode of Night Vale, I made the leader of the feral dogs a three-headed dog, so like, one better than Cerberus?
Now for one of my least favorite movie moments: that plastic bag from American Beauty. I don’t particularly enjoy this film. I’m not telling you not to like it. It’s simply not for me. But there’s that whole fluttering bag video and accompanying monologue on the nature of art and beauty, and I thought I’d use that image here.
When Mayor Winchell reveals the dogs were merely plastic bags caught in the wind, it seemed the perfect idiotic cover for a city in careful public denial.
Other notes about this episode:
• Our friends Eevin and Carl own a dog named Fanny Brice, so in my mind, while “Fanny Brice Approximation syndrome” is a good joke, it’s even better if you’ve met their dog.
• Joseph wrote the spider bit in this episode and it made me drop the script and concentrate on calm breathing.
• Dark Owl Records was named after Night Owl Records in Easthampton, Massachusetts. It was owned by my friends Jen and Mark. The store is no longer in business, but it was a great store. One time I bought a Dar Williams album there (among other things), and Mark teasingly called me a “folkie.” This comment probably contributed to the creation of Dark Owl owner and music snob Michelle Nguyen (whose first appearance isn’t until episode 37).
• Try ending all your conversations with “This has been Health Tips.” It really does keep people on their toes.
• I would totally listen to Dr. Brandon’s show.
—Jeffrey Cranor
Regret nothing, until it is too late. Then regret everything.
WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE.
Our top story today: a roving pack of feral dogs has been terrorizing Night Vale for the past several hours. The dogs have been described as mostly mutts, possibly pit bull mixes. Witnesses say their apparent leader is the three-headed one wearing dozens of decorative service medals and chevrons.
Sheriff’s Secret Police confirm that the dog pack has already attacked a group of elementary school children this morning around eight, as they were getting on the bus. Injuries were minor, as the children protected themselves ably with their school-issued nerve gas canisters and automatic pistols.
The dogs’ motives are not yet known, although authorities believe it could be meth- and/or gang-related. More on this story as it develops.
This Friday afternoon the Parks Department will be spraying pesticide in all public park areas and in neighborhoods with dense foliage and predominantly Irish heritage.
Night Vale is making a strong effort to reduce the mosquito population and the dangerous diseases they carry. Last year, mosquitos were responsible for outbreaks of West Nile, influenza, panache, elephantiasis, and Fanny Brice Approximation syndrome.
Please stay indoors from one p.m. Friday to ten p.m. Saturday to avoid dermal contact with the pesticide, which has been known to cause skin abrasions, epilepsy, super-epilepsy, and organ inversion. The Parks Department also notes that the pesticide has a half-life of 2,100 years, which means we’ll be safe from those annoying mosquitoes for a long time.
We just received word from Wayne Tyler, assistant shift manager at the new Pinkberry, that the pack of feral dogs was seen this morning rooting around in the Dumpsters behind the library. They made off with some discarded Chinese takeout containers, a rusty futon frame, and two homeless men (likely to become henchpeople to the wild dogs). If you are near the library, be warned that these dogs are dangerous. Also be warned that penalties for overdue books has skyrocketed to fifty cents per day and, after thirty days, jaw mutilation.
The Night Vale Medical Board has issued a new study indicating that you have a spider somewhere on your body at all times but especially now. The study said that further research would be needed to determine exactly where on your body this spider is and what its intentions are, only that it is definitely there and is statistically likely to be one of the really ugly ones.
Let’s go now to Community Health Tips. Listeners, are you suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enjoying carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you surprised by carpal tunnel syndrome? Are you enraged by carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a throbbing sadness that you almost cannot stand from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you feel a bounty of love and appreciation for your fellow human beings traveling through this confusing and finite lifetime with you from carpal tunnel syndrome? Do you get sexually aroused by carpal tunnel syndrome? That would be weird. Not to be judgmental but . . . it would be weird. This has been Community Health Tips.
Listeners, we’ve just learned that the drawbridge construction site has been hit by graffiti vandals. The Sheriff’s Secret Police suspect the feral dog pack to be responsible for the giant spray-painted lettering along the bridge scaffolding that reads GOLD STANDARD IS OUR STANDARD and READ YOUR CONSTITUTION. There was also a very elaborately painted portrait of Alexander Hamilton wearing Groucho Marx nose glasses and a caption that reads FEDERALIST PAPERS but where “Federalist” is crossed out and “Toilet” has been written in red. Actually you should see this. It’s truly stunning. All that with spray paint. I’m impressed. These guys are really good artists.
Nevertheless, these dogs are possibly armed and possibly rabid. They are definitely libertarian street artists, and that has police and city officials working double time to solve this problem. If you have any tips that could lead to the capture of this roving band of dogs, please keep them to yourself. We’ve also received word that they have tapped your phone and computers, so best not leave the house or talk loudly.
Let’s have a look at the community calendar.
This Sunday afternoon the Night Vale Fire Department will be holding its biweekly Fireperson Appreciation Parade. All of the town’s firefighters will be riding through Main Street on their bright red engines, which will be turned into floats depicting some of the greatest fires in Night Vale’s history. One of my personal favorites is the 1983 Earthquake Dust Fire, when tremor-initiated fires became so intense that the airborne sand burst into deadly flames. Nearly the entire city population was lost, and the FDNV does a fantastic job capturing the drama with streamers and papier-mâché. The fire department would like to remind Night Vale citizens that the parade is free, and to check your coffeemakers and gas stoves before you leave home, because they will not fight any fires while the parade is happening.
On Monday the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing sweater vests.
Tuesday night is the Boy Scouts Court of Honor. The BSA will name its first ever Blood Pact Scouts, the rank just above Eagle Scout. So far, no scout has attained the coveted position of Eternal Scout, but we have heard that two local boys—Franklin Wilson and Barton Donovan—have earned the Invisibility Badge, which is a prerequisite for the rank. Well done, Frank and Barty.
; Wednesday afternoon is the Citywide Fitness Fair at the Rec Center. Last year’s event was canceled, as it was held on the same day and time as the Fried Chicken and Cigarette Fair. This year’s event, however, promises to be a huge success, as they have secured a large corporate sponsorship from The Intelligence Group International, who will provide free prostate screenings, mammograms, and surgically embedded government monitoring devices.
Thursday morning the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm.
Friday is an oasis, only a metaphor for something unattainable, a haunting dream of meaning for our lives. But don’t look. Turn your head. Your life is here. Stay here. You are alone. You are so peacefully alone. That’s it. Yes. Good.
We’ve contacted the Night Vale Zoo hoping to find out more information on how dogs behave in packs. Perhaps these skilled animal experts could give us some insight into how to catch these dogs, or at least understand them.
Night Vale Zoo director Emily Munton told us that all animals prefer tiny cages and scheduled food pellet consumption, and that it didn’t make sense that any animals would want to wander freely about town. She added a high-pitched roar, followed by a watery gurgling sound, and then our conversation was ended by repeated cloudless thunderclaps.
A reminder to anyone looking for fun on a budget today in Night Vale, it’s free admission day at the Night Vale Museum of Forbidden Technologies. As always, the museum features many fascinating permanent exhibits, including the cheap, pollution-free source of energy created by Nikola Tesla, multiple time machines (some of them not even yet invented!), and pocket calculators, which were outlawed by the City Council twenty-two years ago for undisclosed reasons. Along with that, there is a temporary exhibit displaying many different exciting and extremely dangerous uses for lasers. Be sure to splurge on the guidebook at the museum store, as the exhibits themselves are entirely shrouded with thick burlap at all times, and all explanatory plaques have been blacked out with permanent marker. The Museum of Forbidden Technologies: If you don’t know about it, we may or may not have it.