by S. Moose
“If you put that near me I swear I will kick you so hard you’ll feel it for days,” she tells me with a cheeky smile.
“You’ll try it soon.”
“If you want to retain feeling in your balls you’ll drop this.”
“Ouch, baby. Just admit you want to touch it. You don’t need an excuse.”
We finish dinner and head over to the couch and watch the movie. When I put the DVD in she grabs a blanket and gets comfortable while I put away the dishes and refill our wine glasses. Sitting down with her she curls up next to me and places her head on my shoulder.
Before the movie starts I can feel her tension. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Liar.” I move so that we’re facing each other and I can get a better sense with how she’s feeling. “Tell me.”
“I’m fine.”
“No bullshitting, Caroline.”
She sighs and bites her lower lip. “Is it bad that you make me really horny?”
“Not at all, baby.” I kiss the top of her head and hold her close to my body. “Let me take you out on a date. Just you and me.”
“Okay.”
“Now stop thinking and let’s enjoy the movie.” I pull Caroline close to me and kiss her again.
The day of our date I’m with Devin and Clarke talking about the case and drinking a beer at Clarke’s house. The guys are giving me a look and I’m ready to punch both of them out.
“You’ve lost your fucking mind, you know that right?” Devin stands in front of me with his eyes glaring at me. Since we got here he’s been giving me shit left and right. If he wasn’t my friend I’d let him know he’s a little bitch.
“You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.” I glance at Clarke and he clears his throat. “What, you got something to say too?”
“That’s Evan’s wife, Ryan,” Clarke says. “Dead or not, come on, you have to know that’s wrong.”
“The both of you have no idea what you’re saying. We’ve been friends since high school and that’s all I’ve seen her as until now. I get it he’s our best friend and married her, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I’m falling for her.”
Devin grunts and turns away. “Or are you falling for easy pussy?”
“Watch it,” I growl and turn Devin so he’s facing me. “Don’t talk shit if you don’t know what’s going on. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you try to kiss Tonya the day of her wedding?”
The room grows silent and both guys are looking down. It’s crystal clear where they stand on this topic. Honestly it’s something I’m still battling and I keep reminding myself that we aren’t doing anything wrong.
“That’s different.”
“How so, asshole?”
“I wasn’t thinking and drank too much.”
“Whatever,” I mutter and finish my beer. “Don’t sit there giving me shit and judging me or her. We’re adults and doing nothing wrong. Still got a problem with that?”
“Actually I do,” Devin says. “It’s not right. Evan was our best friend and here you are going behind his back? What do you have to offer her?”
Sitting here taking shit from my supposed best friends is pissing me off. I’m struggling with this issue and beating myself up enough about it. I don’t want to be seen as the guy who swoops in and takes advantage of a vulnerable woman, or have Caroline be seen as a whore. That’s not the situation. Everything is going on so fast. I never thought about her in that way. I never lusted for her, dreamt about her, and certainly never thought about kissing her. Things happen and it’s part of life. I’m not going to continue to beat myself up or make Caroline feel bad. If something’s going to happen then we’ll talk about it and go from there.
We’re not doing anything wrong I repeat to myself.
“I don’t have to answer you, Devin. You don’t know shit. Keep assuming and talking shit, but if you ever make Caroline feel anything different you’ll answer to me.”
“Whatever, man.”
I finish with Clarke and grab my things to head out. Before going home I decide to hit up the gym and work out my frustrations.
After the gym I sit in my car and think about what they said earlier today. I’m not doing anything wrong. Caroline’s not doing anything wrong. We’re two adults trying to move on with our lives and somehow are finding ourselves gravitating towards one another.
Staring at my phone I text the one person I always turn to when life feels like shit. We decide to meet at Panera for lunch and I’ll admit that if Caroline or anyone sees me with her shit will go crazy.
Sitting down at a booth with my food I look out the window and let my mind wander. I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is guilt, regret, or the feeling of fucking it all and doing what I want. This is why I don’t involve myself in relationships or allow my heart to do the thinking. I stand on my own two feet and think with my head. I’ve been in critical situations and can make fast decisions without a second thought. With Caroline everything is being questioned. I contradict myself on the daily when it comes to her. I need advice and I need it now.
“Hey, stranger.” I look up at the familiar voice and see that smile that used to make my bad days go away.
Danielle Martin was an on again off again girlfriend without the label. We had a good time together and it was nice to have someone, but we knew we weren’t in love and soon whatever our relationship was turned into friendship. She understood when I told her how I felt and luckily didn’t go crazy bitch on me like some women do. That’s the thing about Danielle: she’s down to earth and can take whatever comes to her.
I depend on her the way she depends on me. The sexual feelings aren’t there anymore and on days where I need an unbiased opinion, she’s the one I turn to.
“Hey.” I smile and watch her sit down. I hand her food over and we sit in a comfortable silence before she breaks it.
“What’s going on?”
I rub my face with my hands and look down. “I feel like a pussy, Dani.”
“Okay?”
“Remember when Evan died?” She nods her head. “Remember when I was undercover and couldn’t see Caroline?” She nods again. “I’m living with her now.”
“Oh.” Dani leans in close and places her hands on mine. “You love her.” I quickly look up and shake my head. “Yes you do. You and Caroline have a special bond. I saw it and I’m pretty sure the both of you did too.”
“She’s my good friend. She’s Evan’s wife.”
“And? Evan passed away and now Caroline’s trying to live her life and if I know you like I know I do then I know you’re helping her.”
“I am. Shit, it wasn’t supposed to happen. We kissed a few times and fuck, Dani, she’s all I think about. I feel like an asshole for what I’m doing. Evan’s my best friend.”
“It’s not like you were lusting for her before. This happens,” she continues. “It’s life, Mason. Sometimes when you least expect something good to happen it happens. You can’t fight it. I get that you feel bad and guilty. You internalize everything and forget that you have people who want to be here for you.” I nod and listen. “You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone.”
I tell her what happened at the station and she eats while I talk. It pisses me off both of my best friends think that low of me.
“They’re idiots. Seriously, Mason. Don’t overthink it and talk to her.”
“She’s so up and down. When I got there she was emotional and dead inside. She barely talked and kept everything locked up inside. I don’t think she allowed herself to feel anything, but for the past few weeks things have been good. Just not sure for how long.”
“I’ve never seen you like this, Mason. I don’t know what to say. I can tell you all of these wise quotes, and help you, but I’m not sure I’m the one who can be the guide you need.”
“When we broke up did you feel relieved?”
“In some ways, yes.”
“Was I good to you?�
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“You were and sure we had issues, but that’s in the past.”
“Then do you think I’ll be good for Caroline?”
“I think you need to figure this out and talk to her. Make her feel again. Make her life good again.”
“Yeah,” I respond and change the topic. Danielle’s right. She can only do so much to help me and now I have to figure this out for myself.
I leave the restaurant feeling better and instead of going back to Caroline’s I head to my parents’ house to get ready. I still have a few hours before our date. Taking out my phone when I walk into my parents’ house I text Caroline to see how she’s feeling.
Caroline: I’m good. Is everything okay?
Me: Yeah. Everything’s fine. I saw Danielle today and we caught up on what’s going on.
Caroline: Oh.
Me: It’s not like that, baby. She’s a good friend.
Caroline: I know.
Me: Don’t be jealous. You’re the only one I’m thinking about.
Caroline: I’m not jealous and that’s good to know I’m the one on your mind. Keep it that way. ;)
Me: I can’t wait to see you tonight.
Caroline: Me too. So where are you taking me?
Me: Don’t worry about it. I got you something. It’s in your room. Wear that and let me take care of the rest.
Caroline: Ok. =)
“Is that my son? Is my son smiling from ear to ear?” I hear my mother say and I give her a kiss on the cheek before sitting down at the kitchen table. She turns to look at me and I shrug my shoulders. “You know I’ve always liked Caroline. She’s sweet. You need a sweet woman.”
“Things are good. I’m taking her out tonight. Dinner at Pane Vino on the River.”
“That sounds nice honey. Are you doing anything else?”
There’s no way I’m telling her I’m taking Caroline to The Woodcliff hotel tonight and spending time with her so I simply smile and she shakes her head.
“Well have fun,” she laughs and I get up to head to my room and get ready for tonight.
Taking one last look I say goodbye to my parents and get in my car to head to her place. Thanks to Tonya I have a bag for her so we’re all set for tonight. I don’t know what I’m expecting or if I’m expecting anything. I want to spend time with her and feel her next to me without being in a house she shared with Evan. As much as it doesn’t bother me that I’m living with her, in many ways it still does, because here I am, the best friend, playing house with her since Evan’s gone.
Parking outside of her house I look at the door and then look at the gift I got her. It’s nothing special just a necklace with her birthstone: amethyst. Tonight it’s about her and I. We’re going to figure out what exactly is going on between us and go from there. Doing that in the house they shared isn’t what I want to do. I want to be away from their memories so I don’t feel haunted by his ghost. If this is going where I think and hope it’s going I want to start fresh with Caroline and build a new life for her. I want to give her everything she deserves and needs, and hopefully when the time’s right I’ll make her understand the secret I needed to keep from her.
Devin and Clarke’s words play in my head. Each time I think what I’m doing is right, something or someone makes me question what I’m doing. Everything about Caroline makes me want to be better; she pushes me to be a better man. She’s giving me new perspectives on life and with her I laugh more, smile more, and fucking hell, I sound like a woman. Rubbing my face I lean back in my car seat and stare at the house I’ve been living in these past few months. Within these months she’s gone from breakdowns and nightmares to waking up in my arms and adventuring into things I never thought possible. She’s controlling her life and making it possible to live. Instead of being locked away she’s going out and having fun. We both make each other come alive.
With her I’ll do anything and give her anything. If she wants space to think I’ll do that. If she wants more I’ll do that. My strength crumbles when I’m with her and there’s nothing I want more than to make her mine.
Sliding on the beautiful black dress I look in the mirror and look from each angle. The dress falls right above my knees with a classy V neck and the back is open so wearing a bra isn’t possible, but luckily this dress makes my boobs look fabulous. Retouching my lip gloss I fluff my hair some more and take a deep breath. Tonight I’m going out with Mason on a real date. This isn’t a friendly friend date, but more so a romantic swoon date. I’m not sure what to expect tonight so I’m going in with no expectations. I’m going with the flow and will not worry.
When the doorbell rings I take another breath, grab my clutch and head downstairs. Opening the door I smile when I see Mason in a deep blue button-down, gray dress pants, black shoes and in his hands is a bouquet of roses and lilies. The way his shirt hugs to his muscular body makes it impossible to not stare. His height with his broad shoulders and muscular arms makes it incredibly difficult to not have sexual thoughts. Maybe we can skip the date and have a repeat of that night with touching and more pleasure than either of us can imagine.
On the outside Mason stands tall with his tough exterior and alluring presence, yet I know him. To me, he’s not Mason Ryan bad ass police officer. To me, he’s just Mason. He’s my best friend and the reason why I’m able to get back to my life. I appreciate how tough he is and how gentle he can be when we’re together. I feel his tenderness and ache for more. In so many ways I want him to take control. I want him to push me against the wall and make my body come apart.
But knowing Mason I know he’s waiting for me to take the first leap of faith.
“Hi,” I breathe out.
“You look amazing.” He smiles and comes in. Handing me my flowers he leans in and kisses my cheek. “Breathtakingly beautiful.”
“Let me put these in a vase and we can get going.”
“Sounds good.”
Grabbing a vase from the cabinet I fill it with cool water and feel his eyes on me, watching me, desiring me, causing my hands to shake and yearn for his touch again.
“Let me help you,” he mutters and takes the vase from my hands while I trim the flowers and place the bouquet in the water.
“Thank you again for the beautiful flowers.” I smile and lean in to kiss him. “I love it.”
“Anything to make you smile. I missed you.”
“Why? I’m always here.” I know the answer. I know he thinks about me when he’s at work or out and it makes me happy knowing he’s breaking down my walls and cares so much about me.
“I know. It’s different when we’re away. I think about holding you in my arms and spending more time with you. Things are different now. I don’t just look at you as my best friend, but something more.”
“You do?”
“Why are you acting surprised?”
I shrug and walk to him, wrapping my arms around his waist, smelling him, enjoying this moment with just him. “I’m not trying to act surprised. It’s nice to hear you say these things and know how patient you are.”
“You’re the one in control, Caroline. You’re the one who sets the pace and I’ll follow. Whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do that, I’ll be here and I’m not walking away.”
Right at this moment I completely understand where he’s coming from and I don’t want to confuse him with assumptions. I understand his hesitation and I’m glad he’s letting me take control. I need control. I need to know what’s going to happen so I can prepare myself. It baffles me how I can move on to someone I’ve known almost my whole life and have never considered in a romantic fashion; someone who’s been there for me through almost all the monumental moments of my life. Mason Ryan is my someone.
“Take me on our date,” I tell him and stand on my tippy toes to kiss the bottom of his chin. “I’m ready for a night out.”
“My pleasure.”
Mason places his arm around my shoulders as we walk outside to his car. Like the gentleman that he is
he opens the door for me and soon we’re heading to his surprise date for me. Buckling my seatbelt I watch him get in the car and start it, reversing out of my driveway and towards the highway. To say I’m nervous and anxious is an understatement.
“Are you going to give me a hint as to where we’re going?”
“Downtown.”
“Downtown? Okay. How about where?”
He laughs and places his hand on my thigh. “How about you wait and see so I can show you how romantic I can be?”
“Oh my, how did I get so lucky?” I press my hand to my chest and exaggerate my tone and gesture.
His mouth curves into a smile as he takes my hand into his and brings it up to his lips. “Such a sassy woman.”
A few more minutes and Mason’s parking in front of Pane Vino on the River and an attendant opens my door to welcome both of us.
“Fancy shmancy,” I whisper to Mason. He takes my hand into his and we walk inside and are immediately seated when he gives the hostess his name. We’re seated by the window overlooking the water. I look outside and love the sight I see. It’s not the prettiest sight, but seeing the water flowing brings me peace and hope. The water rushes from one end to the other, washing away anything from the start and giving new light and start to the next wave of water. It sounds silly and possibly trivial . . . it just brings me peace of mind.
“Hey, Officer Ryan.” I look up from the menu to see a beautiful blonde smiling at Mason.
“Hey, Stephanie. How’s everything going?”
“Good,” she answers and I hate that I’m feeling a little insecure, even though I shouldn’t, most likely she’s someone he’s helped so I continue looking at my menu since I have no idea what to do or say.
“Stephanie, this is my girlfriend, Caroline. Caroline, this is Stephanie. I helped her a few years ago.”
I turn to her and she still has that beautiful smile on her face. “It’s so nice to meet you,” she says and extends her hand to shake mine. “Officer Ryan has been a blessing in my life.”