“Oh. Hi.” Dusty looked up, caught somewhat off-guard. “I was just looking a t a few pictures of Emily.” He gazed back toward the photos and then sat back, his arms folded across his chest. “Anyway. Coffee. Right?” Dusty gave me a weak smile, then got up abruptly and left the room. I stood in silence, holding Carter in my arms, then watched as Dusty disappeared down the hall.
Chapter 8
When I knew that Dusty was downstairs in the kitchen, I stepped curiously toward his desk. The pictures, still scattered in several directions, were all of the same beautiful woman. She had long wavy hair, the color of marigolds, and a wide, bright smile. I studied her face and wondered how she died. In a few of the pictures, a tall, dapper looking Dusty had his hands wrapped tightly around her waist. He looked like he couldn’t be happier.
“Here you go. I just made a fresh pot.” Dusty caught me by surprise. I moved, embarrassed, away from his desk. “I didn’t mean to go into such a trance like that over those pictures.” He shook his head and handed me my mug, then slid the photographs into his hand and then dropped them into the desk drawer. I swallowed hard, not sure of what to say. An awkward silence ensued.
“Maybe we could go for a little ride around the town today.” I changed the subject, hoping that it would alleviate the heavy silence. Dusty nodded his head and then slowly wriggled Carter out of my arms.
“That would be great. I’ve got a few tasks to delegate down on the outer edges of the ranch, but after I take care of business, we could go check out the bustling metropolis of Billings.” Dusty smiled and then walked out of the room. I felt put-off, even though he had agreed to go out. Then I decided not to read too much into it. The man had just lost his wife; I should try to be more understanding. We could still enjoy the day. Right? We would go out and have a nice afternoon, baby and all.
Dusty carried Carter into the nursery and then popped his head back in the bedroom. “I’ll be right out there, on the left hand side of the fencing.” Dusty pointed toward the window and then slid a tan vest over his t-shirt. “Feel free to wander on out there if it moves you. Carter loves to watch me work.” He slid on a pair of black, leather boots, then walked confidently out of the room.
I stood alone, wondering if I had made the right choice. The self-doubt, for as much I liked to believe it had dissipated, always seemed to have a way of sidling itself back in. I sighed. There wasn’t much to do about it now. I would simply have to ride it out and hope that Dusty found a way to let me into his heart. Our love-making, even though cut short by the baby, had felt honest and real to me. I looked down at the floor, confused, worried and alone.
“Come on, Carter.” After about a half hour of deliberating the situation, I decided that I’d make the best of it. Even if Dusty still had unresolved feelings for his deceased wife, I could still be a part of his life, still find a way to get into his heart. I had always been a faithful and patient lover, so it only made sense that with time, Dusty would come to find me just as worthy as his wife had originally been. I quickly got dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater. Then I scooped Carter up from his play-rug, changed his diaper and put him in a baby carrier.
I had seen countless pictures of young, fit mothers carrying their babies in the latest wraps and slings. It made me feel proud to have Carter attached to my hip. He was a welcome relief to my anxiety, and even when he got fussy, I learned how to settle his cries and make him enjoy his surroundings. I slid a sun-hat on his fuzzy head and then made my way down the steps. As soon as we reached the back deck, I took a deep breath. The vast, mountainous region of Montana stood before me, and I smiled, thankful for the chance to have seen this incredible landscape.
I walked with Carter for about an hour, stopping here and there to check out flowers, shadows, or other interesting sights for a baby. By the time we started to wind our way back toward the house, Dusty’s tractor was ambling in our direction at a modest pace. I stood still and placed a hand over my eyes, trying to shield them from the bright, Western sun. Carter made waving motions when he saw the tractor, then a few “Da-Da” sounds came bubbling from his lips. I smiled, then unfastened the carrier and held him up in the air so that he could better view the steel green tractor.
“Good afternoon!” Dusty waved and then shifted the tractor to s grinding halt. “I am so glad to have gotten that corn field taken care of. I’ve got a few men out on the other side that handle most of the planting, but this section I needed to deal with myself. How’s the little man holding up today?” Dusty cocked his head to this side, a thoughtful expression spreading across his face.
“He’s good. In fact, we were just heading in to have a bottle. I think he might be ready for his next nap, too.” I peeked under Carter’s sun-hat and then slid him back into the carrier. “Would you like me to make you anything to eat?” I had no idea what Dusty liked in terms of food, but I assumed that his wife used to cook, and I wanted to step up and start making him feel like I was good enough to be his new wife.
“I could definitely go for a good bite to eat, Leila. Thanks.” Dusty wiped his brow and then started up the tractor. I watched him as he settled back into the steel bucket seat. His eyes were intent on the field ahead of him, and his taut, tanned arms were planted on the steering wheel. I wondered what his wife used to do when he worked out on the ranch. Did she follow him around, or did she have her own hobbies that occupied her time? As I made my way toward the back of the house, I soon answered part of my own question.
A large, square raised bed was situated in the corner of the back yard, close to the sandbox and the clothesline. I plopped Carter down for a few minutes on a blanket and had a closer look at what was planted. A full bed of flowers was planted, and each row had a new bud forming along the top of the leaves. There were red, orange and yellow varieties, some of which I’d never even seen before. I decided that she must have been a gardener, and that these must have been some of her seedlings planted years before.
After a few moments of wondering, I knelt down and tickled Carter’s belly. He let out a stream of cooing laughter, then rolled over and bobbed his head up and down, watching with curiosity as the wind rustled the tops of the flower buds. I couldn’t help but feel like I was out of place here. For as much as I wanted to believe that I had done something courageous by answering the ad Dusty had placed, I couldn’t shake the nagging sensation that something just wasn’t right with this picture. After a few more moments in contemplation, I picked up Carter and our blanket, then quietly walked back inside the house.
Chapter 9
Dusty came inside about an hour later. I had rummaged through the mostly empty fridge and found some bread to make him a grilled cheese. Carter had already been put down for his second nap, and I was trying to keep my thoughts as positive as possible, even though I still had lingering doubts about Dusty’s level of commitment. “Did you get all your work down out there?” I gave him a pleasant smile when he came through the door. He nodded his head and then sat down in one of the chairs.
“I sure did. Got the entire back row taken care of and even hoed out some of those post-holes for laying more fence.” He looked pleased with his accomplishments, and I subtly moved the grilled cheese to his place at the table.
“Grilled cheese. That’s nice of you.” Dusty gave me a forced smile and then took a small bite.
“You know, if we still take that trip into town today I could pick out some groceries for making a nice dinner.” I piped up to remind him that we had made earlier plans. Dusty didn’t say much in return, so I assumed that he was no longer interested in venturing out. Then, to my surprise, he smiled.
“Sure. Let’s get ready to go so that when Carter wakes up, we’re set.” Dusty took one more small bite of the grilled cheese, then pushed himself away front he table. I was immediately self-conscious of my cooking. Sure- it was just a grilled cheese, but I had a nagging thought that maybe Emily used to make them with a special twist. Perhaps she used to cut them into cute little triangles, or maybe she
added slices of tomato. Maybe Dusty and Emily both loved grilled cheese so much that it made Dusty’s heart ache to see them on his plate again. I shook my head and tried to snap out of it.
“Hey, Dusty. I don’t want to be intrusive, but…” My heart flip-flopped as soon as I said the words, but I couldn’t help it any longer. “Would you mind telling me how your wife died? I have this desire to just understand a little bit more.” I chose my words as carefully as possible and Dusty paused. He looked away, then bit his lower lip.
“She died in a plane crash about a week after Carter was born.” Dusty frowned and looked straight ahead. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just shifted my weight to the other foot and remained silent. Dusty nodded his head, took a deep breath, and then turned and walked away. I felt a pang of sorrow tug at my heart. It sounded like such a terrible way to lose someone that I wanted to know if there was anything I could do to help. Yet I could tell from Dusty’s expression that nothing I said or did would even come close to managing his pain.
The sun cast a few rays through the kitchen and I watched in silence as Dusty disappeared through the living room, then up the steps to the bathroom. I walked to the counter and poured myself a glass of lemonade that I had made earlier in the day. Then I sat down and gazed out the window, watching as a small gathering of clouds rolled along. The house was quiet, and the only sound I could detect in the distance were tractors and plows. It was such a change from Arizona that I found myself yearning for home. I missed Pete and Ella, missed my runs through the juniper and even my job at the bookstore.
I thought I heard Dusty come down the steps about a half hour later, but I was too wrapped up in my day-dreaming to pursue the possibility. After a few moments, I walked toward the back porch and craned my neck to see if he had gone outside. Sure enough, he was standing in front of the raised bed with all of the flowers. I took a deep breath and then walked outside to meet him. “I was looking at these earlier. They sure are beautiful.” I raised my brows and then placed a hand on Dusty’s back. He jumped back, seemingly surprised by my touch.
“Thanks. I love coming out here to admire these. Emily planted all of them right before she died. She was an avid gardener.” Dusty nodded his head and then wrung his hands together. I looked away, then took a few steps back. I could sense a longing within him, and it made me uncomfortable. It was almost as if he were chasing a ghost, in that he knew Emily was never coming back, but he simply couldn’t let go of the reality behind that truth.
“I bet we could have a lot more fun if we got away from the ranch for a little.” I tried to be the positive voice of reason. Maybe Dusty just needed a change of scenery to get his mind in a different space. I was sure that his loss was significant and his heart heavy, but at the same time, if he willingly placed an ad for a mil-order bride, then he surely must have had intentions of seeing himself through this rough section in his life.
“Yes. You’re right. Let’s get out for a little.” Dusty placed his hand in mine and the two of us walked inside the house together. I walked upstairs just as Carter let out a small cry that signaled her was finished with his nap. He was such a good baby- sweet, bubbly and low-maintenance, as far as I could tell. I hoisted him out of his crib and then changed his diaper while Dusty got changed in the bedroom. When he came in to Carter’s nursery, I was reading Carter a book and rubbing his little back.
“He seems like he already likes you.” Dusty knelt down next to us and ran a hand softly over Carter’s head. “You know, a big part of my choosing the right wife now has to do with how well the woman reacts to my son. So far, Leila, you’re doing an amazing job.” Dusty sounded sincere. I wondered if maybe I had silently overreacted to his perceived preoccupation with Emily. It was his wife, I told myself. It was only normal for him to be so wrapped up in his feelings, so consumed by lingering thoughts from his past.
After we finished Carter’s book, Dusty leaned over and planted a kiss on my cheek. I blushed. “You know, I’m sure this must be hard for you, Dusty.” I looked down and then bit my lip. “I’m really sorry about Emily.” I nodded my head, then lifted Carter off his blanket and carried him out to the hall. Dusty followed behind me, and remained silent for a moment. Then he reached for my hand.
“Thank you, Leila. I appreciate it.” He gave me wry smile, then turned around and walked down the steps. We both ventured out of the house and into the driveway. Dusty had a Pathfinder with a car-seat that he motioned for me to climb into with Carter. The three of us were finally on our way into town. I smiled, relieved to be getting away from the house, if only for a few hours. We drove down the long, winding road that led to the main highway, then turned left and began our descent into the town of Billings.
Chapter 10
I couldn’t help but compare Montana to Arizona. They were different in many ways, but also shared a few similarities. As far as commonalities, I found that the people were equally friendly in both states. The landscapes in both parts of the country were stunning, and the climates, although vastly different form each other, were comfortable and sunny. I could see myself getting to know this town, and the people who called it home.
“I love it out here, Dusty. I mean, at first I was a little bit hesitant about leaving the warm, desert climate of Sedona, but I can really understand why people decide to stay out here. It’s so vast and beautiful.” I smiled, feeling a warmth course through my body when I looked Dusty in the eyes. He smiled and took my hand.
“I’ve never even thought of living anywhere else.” Dusty seemed to be a little but more relaxed now that we were away from the house. I wanted to know what he was thinking, if he really thought that we could even attempt to have a relationship as man and wife, if he thought that we had a chance to make a life for us together. The arrangement, by the nature of its request, seemed to imply that we would eventually be officially married. It was just hard for me to picture that actually happening, given the way that our communication was going.
“I was wondering…” I paused and then squeezed Dusty’s hand. “Do you think that the two of us will really be able to make this work, even though you still have such a strong connection to your wife?” I wasn’t sure of what else to do. I had just blurted out my exact thoughts, and there was no taking them back now. It would be better for the two of us, I told myself, if we were just honest with how much this would progress. There was no point in wasting each other’s time, at least not in my estimation.
“Look, Leila.” Dusty stopped walking and then shook his head. “I can completely understand if you think that I’m being distant, or that I’m not willing to stop feeling for my wife. But the truth is…” He paused and then smiled. “I really like you.” He wrapped an arm around my waist and then gave me a little squeeze. “I mean, come on.” He winked and then kissed me on the cheek. “Didn’t it feel like I was enjoying you when we made love?” He nuzzled my ear with his chin and I giggled.
“I guess so.” I flicked my hair over my shoulder and then adjusted Carter who was beginning to get a little wriggly in the baby sling. “I just feel like…” I paused, trying to choose my words carefully. “I guess I just feel like maybe this isn’t the best timing for you, even though you think you want a relationship.” I un-clipped the back of the sling and folded it up with one hand while balancing Carter on my knee. Dusty scooped him out of my arms and carried him while we walked.
“Leila.” Dusty sighed and then bounced Carter a few times on his knee. “I don’t know if I’ll ever stop thinking about Emily. I think when someone dies, when a person is gone, and especially when it’s unexpected, it’s just a lot to process emotionally. You know?” Dusty looked at me and then looked away. “I know this much.” He took my arm and then wrapped it around his waist. “I know that I want to live a long, prosperous life, and I know that I don’t want to do it alone.” He sounded adamant. “I think that you and I have a lot of potential.” With that, he gave me a kiss on the lips and I closed my eyes, again feeling powerfully at
tracted to him as a lover.
“Well then maybe we should get a quick bite to eat in this special town of yours, and get ourselves back under the sheets.” I wasn’t usually so flirtatious and forward, but I felt somewhat compelled to keep him enticed, to make him learn to desire me, to eventually make him love me. Dusty smiled at my suggestion.
“I think I like the sound of that. Let’s go to the Bison Brewery. They’ve got great food and great beer.” Dusty rubbed my shoulder a few times, then took my hand again. I liked the fact that he was able to communicate a bit more openly with me. I was still trying to get myself to understand that he would need a long period of time to heal from his loss, but it was beginning to feel a little bit easier to accept. We walked lazily through Billings, talking and taking in the sights, until we reached Bison Brewery.
“So tell me the truth.” I was sipping my Billings Lager in the booth and Carter was bopping up and down in the high-chair at the end of the table. “How many responses did you receive to your ad?” I had been curious about this for the entire visit thus far. It was a legitimate question, and unthreatening. Dusty chuckled, then took a sip of his beer.
“Well, let’s see.” He looked up at the ceiling, and then pretended like he was counting on his fingers. “I think I stopped counting after fifty.” He laughed again, then gave Carter a light pat on the head. My eyes widened.
“Fifty? Oh my gosh.” I was truly surprised to find out that Dusty had selected me from a pool of over fifty women. “I bet you had to make some tough decisions.” I raised my eyebrows and then chuckled, myself.
“I should add that I also heard from one man, so I guess you could make it fifty-one.” Dusty nodded his head and then chuckled once again. I laughed and then took another sip of my beer. It was beginning to feel like we were starting to hit it off. Or maybe it was just the fact that we were in another environment. I wasn’t sure, but I was interested in getting to know him better, and I found myself craving the physical attention I’d received earlier.
Romance: My Stepbrother's Plaything Page 55