When I walked back in, I saw her already back in the seat, eyes wide and waiting for me. Jogging to her side, I sat down and grabbed her ice-cold hand, warming it between mine. “You okay?”
She shrugged. “My blood pressure was a little high. I guess now we just wait.”
The next two and a half hours were some of the most stressful of my life. The knowledge that this pregnancy would be confirmed one way or another, that we could hopefully get to the bottom of her bleeding weighed heavy on me.
By the time we were called back in and put in a room, neither one of us was talking. The nurse gave her a gown to change into. I turned my back, giving her at least a little privacy.
“It’s okay, Tor, I’m changed,” she whispered a minute later, sliding onto the bench. With her bare legs and feet dangling out, she looked so small and fragile.
Wrapping her in my arms, I kissed her forehead. “No matter what, Eskelde.”
She nodded.
Just then the doctor, a middle-aged man with balding gray hair, walked in.
“So we think we might be pregnant, huh?” he asked, looking at the chart and smiling.
She looked at me and I could taste her terror. Getting up, I laced our fingers together and held my hand out to the doctor, and he quickly shook it.
“We think maybe, but she’s begun spotting so we wanted to come in and make sure she’s okay.”
“Hmm. Yup.” He flipped her file shut. “Saw that. And I’m guessing you might be the father?”
“Y-yes,” she stuttered, squeezing my fingers so hard she bunched them together.
“Okay then.” The doctor flipped the lights off before wheeling a small machine over to us. “I’m just gonna take a peek inside with this wand and see what’s going on real quick.”
The wand was a white oblong shaped thing that looked a lot more like a dildo than a piece of hospital equipment, especially when he rolled a condom over it and lubed it up.
“I promise this won’t hurt a bit.” He sat down on a stool, then pulled out two metal stirrups from the side of the bed and patted them. “Lay down with your butt almost at the edge and place your feet in here.”
She nibbled her lip. This couldn’t be easy for her. I made sure to stand at the head of the bed so I wouldn’t catch a glimpse then rubbed her head. Looking up at the ceiling she slid down, propped her feet up, and sighed.
The moment the doctor inserted the wand, a whooshing sound echoed through the machine. The screen was black and white and gray and swished with movement. I couldn’t understand any of the spots or bumps I was seeing.
She was looking at the screen without blinking. The doctor, though, was frowning.
I did not like that look.
“How many days have you been bleeding?” he asked, looking up at her.
Her jaw trembled as she said, “Just this weekend. Friday night and this morning a little.”
“Mmhmm.”
“What’s going on?” I asked, not liking that he still hadn’t given us any answers.
He licked his lips. “Well, you’re definitely pregnant. See that little bean there?” He pointed to a floating bit of white. “That’s the baby, you’re almost a month along now.”
It’s not like we hadn’t already suspected. But the reality of it came crashing down for both of us, because she started crying and I felt as though I couldn’t take a proper breath.
I lifted her hand to my lips and kissed her knuckles tenderly, scared to death.
“So the bleeding is normal?” she asked on a hiccup.
He was back to looking at the screen, moving the wand around and sighed. “No. In fact, I’m really not liking what I’m seeing.”
He sighed again and my heart clenched.
I’d already lost someone way too young, and the thought of losing anyone else almost crippled me. It didn’t matter that Jamie and I hadn’t been dating until recently; for me it’d been years.
Shutting off the screen and pulling out the wand, the doctor wheeled his chair over to the light switch and turned it on. I helped Jamie sit up and covered her knees with the gown as best I could.
“How painful have periods been for you in the past?” he asked.
“Umm…well…” She looked at me, and immediately I could tell she was nervous that I might freak out.
This wasn’t my ideal topic in the world, but being with someone was always a for-better-or-for-worse situation anyway.
“I could leave you if you want, but I’m okay, Jamie,” I added to put her at ease with whatever decision she made.
Twisting her lips, she nodded. “Pretty painful. I would pop a couple of Motrins and try to sleep it off when it got too bad.”
“Any cases of really heavy bleeding?”
I rubbed her back. I wasn’t uncomfortable, but I sensed that she was. “I’ll just step outside and—”
“No.” She grabbed my wrist. “No, just… stay.” Taking a deep breath, she nodded. “Yes, sometimes really heavy. But it’s been like that almost from the beginning.”
He nodded. “Well, I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on here. But one more question: do you feel heaviness between your legs, cramps sometimes, that sort of thing?”
Her shoulders slumped. “Am I getting ready to miscarry?” Her hand slipped over her stomach. I covered hers with mine.
“That all depends.”
“On what?” we asked in unison.
He grimaced. “I counted at least three fibroid tumors in your uterus.”
“What?” she shrieked, hyperventilating. “Cancer—is that what you’re saying?”
Ice flowed through my veins. This couldn’t be happening.
“No.” He smiled. “No, these are generally noncancerous, only rarely do they turn into such. We’ll have to take a biopsy to know for sure—in fact I’ll make a note of that for your follow-up appointment with your OB.”
I blew out a relieved breath; just the thought of losing Jamie now, not to mention our unborn child, would have gutted me.
“But,” he said, spreading his hands, “fibroids can cause complications. Be expecting some light spotting throughout the pregnancy—that’s very common with them. Don’t overdo it; if you’re into exercising heavy I’d suggest you really scale it back. Don’t lift anything over five pounds max. Fibroids have been known to cause not only miscarriage, but also early deliveries.”
She shook her head. “I don’t understand, so you’re telling me to be a slug? I can’t…I just…” She squeezed her eyes shut. “For nine months?”
“Jamie, I’ll be there to help you.”
“Tor.” Her blue eyes shimmered. “This is a big, big deal. I can’t expect you to do that for me, not to mention what Angel’s family is going to think when I suddenly don’t show up to help him through physical therapy.”
My nostrils flared. I’d hoped the specter of that man might stay hidden for a little bit longer than a few days.
“Your health comes first, and that of our child.” I tried to keep the anger from my tone, but it was there.
The doctor cleared his throat. “Well, however you guys decide to work this, you’ll need plenty of rest, so don’t overexert yourself, and I have to agree with your partner: helping someone with any sort of physical therapy should really be out of the question. At least until you get through your first trimester, as this is the most delicate time. Also, hate to be the bearer of bad news,” he said, grimacing, “but until you get to consult with your OB I’d highly encourage you not to have any type of sex or stimuli for now.”
That last bit was a serious buzzkill. Not that I hadn’t expected it, but still, not something any man liked hearing. Regardless that sex with Jamie hadn’t exactly felt like much of a sure thing lately anyway.
She pulled her hand out of mine and rubbed her brow.
The
doctor made her a follow-up appointment two weeks from now with her OB. The drive to her apartment was done in complete silence after that.
I helped Jamie to her apartment door. “Are you good?”
She looked at me with those ice-blue eyes of hers and nodded. My heart clenched. She was carrying my child, I was falling madly for this woman, but I was also angry.
Angry that Angel was still her priority, even over her own health.
“Tor?” Her voice quivered. “I’m sorry.”
She didn’t offer to invite me in, and I didn’t ask.
We both needed time to sort through this and somehow, someway I needed to figure out what I could and couldn’t live with.
“I’ll come by later,” I whispered, planting a swift kiss on her lips before turning and walking off.
***
Jamie
The first thing I noticed upon entering my bleak, cold apartment was a dazzling array of color. Bright ochre red and rich, buttery yellows, splashed with green and brown. I gasped, covering my mouth with my hands as a tear slipped from my eye.
If I ran, I could probably catch him.
But it was like my legs and my brain weren’t working in tandem. They refused to budge. Vision blurry, I dug into my purse and pulled out my cell, calling Zoe.
“J, wazzup, kiddo? How are you feeling?”
Throat locking up, I had to swallow three times really hard before I could speak. “He painted my wall.”
“Oh.” She sucked in a sharp breath. “That doesn’t sound like a happy voice. Umm…”
I sniffed, rubbing my nose before plopping down onto my couch. I literally couldn’t seem to peel my eyes away from the beauty of that wall garden. “I am happy. And scared. And confused. I screwed up, Zo.”
“Hey, what’s the matter? Tor told me you guys were going to the hospital, how did it go? What happened?” I could hear the strain of anxiety in her voice.
I shook my head hard. “I’m pregnant,” I sobbed.
God, if these hormones were going to do this to me for the next nine months I might be tempted to shoot myself. Growling, I snatched up a tissue from my purse and rubbed at my eyes furiously.
This crap had to stop.
“Well, we kinda already figured that out. Why were you guys at the ER, though? He never did go into details.”
Tor was too freaking nice. Why couldn’t he have a wart or two? At least. Why did he have to consider my feelings about everything? Why couldn’t he be a jerk so I could figure this damn thing out without constantly feeling like I was letting him down?
“I was bleeding this weekend.”
“Oh no, are you good? What about the baby?”
A dull throbbing was beginning to pound at the base of my skull and I rubbed the back of my neck. “I saw the baby, so did he. I have fibroid tumors, or at least that’s what the doctor thinks.”
“What the hell is that?” she asked in a fearful rush.
“Not cancer, just some nasty crap that apparently seems to have been a part of me for years. I’ll have a follow up in two weeks with my OB but the doctor didn’t seem very alarmed by it. He just said I have to take it easy and not do anything real heavy for the sake of the pregnancy.”
My stomach felt hollow; it growled almost violently and I closed my eyes. Resting my head against the cushion. Wishing I had Tor here with me now. I should never have let him walk away.
“I’m scared, Zoe.” My fingers curled around the phone. “I think I totally pissed Tor off.”
“Baby girl,” she laughed, “I doubt there’s much you could do to scare that boy off. It’s not like you’ve exactly been nice to the guy for years. If he’s held on this long, trust me, he’ll stick around.”
Ouch.
I bit my lip as I reclined on the couch, kicking my heels up on the armrest and crossing them. She was right. I didn’t like to admit it, but she was right. Tor had never really figured into my life until very recently, and mostly because of this pregnancy.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
I huffed. “Why is he so damn nice?”
“Umm.” There was a pregnant pause. “Do you really want me to answer that question?”
“Yes.” I clenched my fist. “He came up last night out of the dead blue to my hotel in Dallas, came and found me. He held me, told me stories of his life in Norway. He took me to the hospital, then I go and mention Angel and he suddenly clams up on me and… Why, Zoe, why now?”
“Are you listening to yourself?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “I know this sounds irrational, but none of this was supposed to happen. I was supposed to fix Angel; I was supposed to marry him. He was supposed to wake up and this nightmare, this brain damage fog was going to be lifted and I would finally get to reap the rewards of being so faithful to him. Life was going to be perfect, Zoe.”
I had to stop talking because the lump in my throat was growing too big to speak around it. She didn’t say anything, and I’m glad she didn’t. Because I knew I was being completely irrational.
“I’m pregnant and nothing is right anymore.” My voice cracked.
“Ryko, I need a minute.” Zoe’s yell was muffled, as though she’d clapped her hand over the speaker. “Okay,” she whispered, “I had to get out of there. Tor just walked in and I don’t think you’d want him hearing this conversation.”
My heart spasmed. “No, I don’t hate him. I’m just…”
A door clicked shut and then she sighed. “You have to tell them. You know that right?”
“Tell who? My parents? I doubt they’d really care. They’d just tell me to handle it ‘cause they’re busy right now.”
“No, not them. Although of course they need to know. The reason why you’re so conflicted right now is that you’re freaking about what the Romeros are going to think of you.”
I sucked in a sharp breath, rubbing my belly. Zoe could always figure me out. “I don’t know how. They’re going to be so disappointed.”
“Jamie, my God, listen to yourself. I know you love them, as I’m sure they love you, but everyone knows by now that the Angel thing is a pipe dream. They may not like it, but it’s not their life. It’s yours. And that baby’s. And now Tor’s. You owe him that much. You have got to bury Angel. Metaphorically, you know what I mean,” she rushed on to say when I huffed.
“I know that, it’s not like I even love him anymore. I mean, I do.” I shook my head, because I felt as confused as I sounded. “I love who he was. And I love his family. I really love his family.”
“The quicker they know, the quicker you can make up with Tor.”
“He painted my wall.” I peeked at it again. Just the sight of it brought a smile to my face. It was so beautiful, each petal so delicate looking. Perfectly made. So lifelike it almost felt like I should be able to reach in there and pluck one out.
“I know, baby girl. He put so much thought into it, too, you should have seen him last night. The idea was all his. And not for nothing, but if a man took the time to not only make that beautiful painting, but then drive down in the middle of the night to come and be with me, let’s just say if I wasn’t already sprung for my cowboy, I’d be all over Tor. Men like him are rare and few. Appreciate what you have before it’s gone.”
“Am I being stupid?”
“No,” she sighed. “You’re just being you. Just make the right choice, Jamie. I know most people would be tempted to tell you go with your heart, but your heart isn’t exactly the most rational organ in your body.”
“Hey,” I grunted.
She laughed. “Well, it’s true. Go with your brain, girl.”
“I should call them. I told them I would.”
“Be brave.”
“Yeah. Brave.” My already topsy-turvy stomach grew queasier.
“Rip it off like
a Band-Aid.”
“Bye, Zo.”
I stared at my blank phone screen, watching as each minute ticked by, telling myself that I was going to call them in one more minute, just one more. But one turned into two, then five, and then ten.
The person on my mind, in my heart wasn’t Angel. Not anymore. So why was this so hard? When had I become this person who was too afraid to live because she feared what others would think? Hadn’t I given enough of myself to Angel? Enough of my time and stamina? Didn’t I deserve to be happy too?
“Use your brain,” I muttered, and with nerves born of determination I dialed Ms. Romero’s number.
“Hola?” She sounded tired.
What was I doing? Maybe calling wasn’t the right thing; maybe I should do this in person. But how, when?
“Ms. Romero,” I sighed.
“Ah, mija, how are you? How was Dallas?”
“It was…” I stuttered, shaking my head. Awful. “Fine.”
“Good. Good. Would you like to speak with Angel? He’s right here next to me and—”
“No!” I held up my hand. It was now or never. “Actually, I…um, I need to talk with you.”
“What’s the matter?” she whispered and I could hear her walking, likely going to her back bedroom and away from Angel’s earshot.
Use your brain. Your brain.
“I’m pregnant.”
Whoa. My eyes widened. I totally hadn’t meant to blurt it out that way. I stuck my thumbnail in my mouth. The silence was deafening, making my anxiety riddled nerves stretch even thinner.
“Hello?” I whispered.
“I…I’m here.”
I could picture her sitting on the edge of her bed, staring off into space, wondering how this could have happened. Feeling like I was about to throw up, I thinned my lips.
“Please say something.”
“Who?”
I cringed. This wasn’t my mother, but I was more afraid of telling her than my own mom. “The guy in the hospital room from the other day.”
She let loose a string of swear words in Spanish. On the verge of tears a-freakin-gin, I swallowed hard.
Rockers After Dark: 6 Book Bundle of Sexy Musicians Page 69