by Claire Adams
When I arrived home (in record time), I was slightly surprised and very disappointed to see that Hannah had managed to beat me home. I didn’t have proof, but I felt sure that she had left work early so she could get here before me.
I decided not to wait another minute. I took a deep breath, cracked my neck, cleared my throat, and stood just outside her door.
My heart skipped a beat.
I knocked on her door. I took a step back.
No response.
I knocked again. I was now standing centimeters from the door.
“What do you want, Sawyer?” I heard Hannah’s voice say from behind the door.
“I want to talk, Hannah!” I said. I leaned my back against the door, knocking lightly on the door with my knuckle. It felt like minutes had passed when it was only seconds.
“So, talk!” she said.
“I don’t want to talk to your fucking door,” I mumbled. “I want to talk to you. I want to see your face.”
I want to see your face? Holy SHIT, Sawyer, what’s up, dude?
“Do you even get why I’m upset, Sawyer?” she asked.
“No, and that’s why I want to talk about it!” I exclaimed. “Just—come on, Hannah. Can I just come in? Please? Is your door locked?”
No response.
“Okay,” I said.
I grabbed her doorknob and twisted it: not locked. I threw her door open.
Her room was dark, and her window’s curtain was drawn. The only lights were coming from her laptop and her phone. Her legs and feet were under the covers while she sat rested up against the headboard. She looked at me, seemingly stunned by my entry. Her mouth was open, and her eyes were wide.
“Are you ashamed of what we did before?” I asked her.
“No,” she answered.
“Is it about self-control?” I asked. “Did you stop me because you were afraid of it going too far?”
“Unbelievable,” she said.
“It’s about what I said when I was fingering you, isn’t it?” I asked bluntly.
She smirked. “Sometimes you have a way with words, and sometimes you just know how to make our language seem crass and regressive.”
“I didn’t mean to insult you, Hannah, if I did. I was just saying—”
“I know what you were saying,” she interrupted. “It’s like you wanted me to be angry with you.”
“I didn’t want that,” I insisted. “I’ve never wanted that.”
“I knew it was a mistake to try anything physical with you,” she continued. “I’m not ‘caving’ to you, Sawyer. I’m not going to be some sick experimental game for your ego or your perverted gratification.”
Her words felt like blades piercing my insides.
“You’re a jerk,” she said. “You’ve hurt my feelings more than you’ve… You might as well go ahead and cancel the bet or declare me the winner because it’s not going to happen with us, ever. I can promise you that, Sawyer.”
I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I was more exhausted at that moment than I had been at the gym.
“I’m sorry about what I said… even though I didn’t mean it in a bad way,” I stated. “I still haven’t lied to you, Hannah, and I’m not about to start. I’m not sorry for who I am. I’m not sorry that I don’t want a commitment. I’m not sorry about all the times that I’ve come onto you.”
“Ha,” she scoffed.
“I think we’re pretty good together in that department,” I confessed. “And I think if we were to have sex, it would be fucking epic. We could do it right now. You’re already in bed.”
“I hope you have a week’s supply of tissues by your bedside,” she jabbed.
“Having said all of that… come on. I mean… I said I wanted to be your actual roommate, for real. It’s not like I’m just going to walk out and leave here the morning after, you know? I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m not your ex. If I say something to you, I mean it. Come on, you at least trust me, right? What have I done to not deserve your trust? I know what I did to get you pissed, but don’t you believe me?”
She took her phone and started scrolling her screen. “You’re running out of time. You should be looking for another place. If you aren’t already.”
And on that note, I took my leave.
Chapter 19
Hannah
My car was doing its best to warm up, but it had been struggling a bit for the last few days. As a result, my heating system was essentially worthless, so I was left in the cold. Fortunately, I always had extra sweaters and jackets on standby, as many in Wisconsin do in the winter.
After how I left things with Sawyer two days before, I came to realize that what I was afraid of more than anything was that Jared would interfere with whatever future relationship I had with a man. Whether that man would be Sawyer wasn’t certain to me, but I didn’t want the past to help shape my present and future. I needed closure.
I called Jared. I wanted to get the conversation over with before it had even started. I didn’t want to call from the apartment because I didn’t want to carry the weight with me back home any longer.
He picked up on the last ring.
“Well, hello there,” Jared said upon answering.
“Hey,” I replied.
“I was beginning to think you weren’t ever going to call,” he said.
“Well… here I am,” I said. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“I know; I’ve been waiting,” he said.
“You don’t even know why I’m calling.”
I could somehow feel his sneer from the other side of the phone.
“I assumed you were calling to ask me to come back,” he said. “You’re not exactly good at—”
“Jared, please,” I interjected. “That’s not what I’m calling you about. I want to move on from you. It’s over. I told you that already.”
I waited for a response, but could only hear heavy breathing on his end.
“I thought you didn’t really love me,” I said, referencing his earlier statement. “Why would you want to be with me anyway?”
“I don’t want to be with you,” he retorted. “You should want to be with me.”
“I want to know who you were sleeping with when we were together,” I said.
“Does it really matter who?” he snapped. “You should be asking about the why. You weren’t being a proper girlfriend. You didn’t satisfy me. You stopped initiating sex altogether. You barely ever wanted to spend time with me.”
“That’s not remotely true,” I said.
“You cared so little about our relationship that you never picked up on any of my signals,” he continued. “That, or you knew what I wanted, and you just iced me out to spite me. After how well I treated you, really? How dare you, Hannah.”
I knew that if I picked apart everything that he was saying, the phone call could easily go on for hours. I suspected that this was what Jared was hoping for. He clearly wanted my attention, and in his mind, I was giving it to him.
“She’s a woman who knows how to treat a man,” said Jared. “That’s the only explanation you need about who I turned to when you showed how worthless of a partner you are. And I could have her anytime that I wanted. What do you think of that?”
“I hope that she makes you happy,” I replied.
“Fuck you, all right? You’re going to come at me when you’re the one turning your apartment into a revolving whorehouse door? I think it’s hilarious that you had to go beg the guy next door for dick just because you don’t know how to handle a serious relationship. I bet he doesn’t even know how to fuck you.”
“You know what, Jared? I wouldn’t be saying that if I were you.”
“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
“Didn’t you ever stop to think that maybe you weren’t satisfying me sexually?” I queried. “Maybe I stopped initiating sex because your balls shrunk away the moment I told you that I loved you. What the hell is wrong with you? What guy
was I seeing for six months? Your words are kind of frightening, Jared; no offense. You sound like you’re having a breakdown of some kind.”
I was shocked that he had let me finish talking, but from the sounds of his huffing on the other line, I deduced that he was merely trying to gather his thoughts.
“And this guy is living with you,” he muttered. “Hannah, no offense to you, but I don’t have to be a psychologist to know what you’re all about here.”
“Sawyer is just my roommate—”
“I expected you to go get some pansy-ass boyfriend to try and replace me and I did think it would happen fast, but this? It’s kind of pathetic. No, it’s completely pathetic. You are a pathetic mess. What woman was I seeing? I saw the guys who came before me; I guarantee not one of them knew your body the way I know it.”
“Jared—”
“And I saw what the guy after me was like before he became your live-in sex toy,” he barked. “So, all those times you would complain about him and all those noises he and his loose cunts would make for hours into the night—ha! You were lying the whole time. You’re two-faced and in denial about how much of a loose cunt you are.”
“By the way,” I said through forming tears. “This right here? This is my closure. This is officially our last conversation.”
“Don’t you dare hang up on me!” he roared. “If you hang up, I’m coming over.”
“I’m not even home. Good luck with that. Sawyer might be home. Do you want to have another talk with him?”
“Yeah, maybe I do! That wannabe tough guy can say whatever he wants; he can’t hurt me, and he knows it. I didn’t say one word to the guy, and he had to come marching over to my place to prove a point. You’re too stupid and sexually dysfunctional to see what a fucking clod you have living there filling you with his nasty, diseased sperm.”
“I’m not sleeping with him; he’s just my roommate,” I reiterated.
“You know, if you’re clinging onto him because you think he actually likes you, you’re more in denial than I thought,” he said. “If you think you’re special to him, you’re gravely mistaken. I know guys like him. You fucking know guys like him. What the hell are you doing? This isn’t you.”
“You don’t know me, Jared. If you did, we might have—”
“You’re a notch on his bedpost,” he added. “You’re a personification of a fantasy he has whenever he isn’t jerking off to porn or fucking a skank. You saw the kind of girls he brought back to his place—before he got himself evicted, if you’ll recall. Do you honestly think he’s into a girl like you? What, did he tell you that he liked you? Okay. Sure, Hannah. No one’s ever said things like that before and not meant it.”
“When are you going to listen to me?” I said. “I am not sleeping with him. You can say I am all you want; it won’t make it true.”
“But you’re going to, aren’t you?”
“No.” My answer was quick, but I wasn’t entirely certain it was honest.
“You two kissed yet?” he asked.
I paused, considering my options on how to respond.
“So, that’s a yes,” he said before I could speak. He laughed for a few moments, coughing and wheezing. With each new sentence he uttered, he seemed less like my ex-boyfriend Jared and more like a monster in his likeness. It felt unreal.
“I didn’t say anything,” I mumbled.
“Right, you didn’t have to. That’s the point,” he countered. “Have you sucked his dick yet?”
“Jared, that’s enough.”
“I bet you swallowed. Fuck you.”
“If you won’t tell me who you slept with during our relationship, you’re not going to know anything that’s ever happened between me and Sawyer,” I said assertively. “We shouldn’t even still be talking right now. You’re doing it again; you’re getting me sucked into your vortex.”
“Oh, like you aren’t sucked into it already!” he guffawed. “You didn’t call me to get closure! You want me back, but are too prideful to beg!”
“You’ve never seen me beg, nor will you ever—”
“You’ve never had reason to beg before, but honey, now’s not the time to be stubborn,” he said with a smugness that I had never thought him capable of exuding. “You call me up and insult me like this; this is what I mean. You don’t know how to respect anyone. This is why you’re alone. This is why people at your job hate you.”
“You don’t know anything about my job or the people I work with. That’s a load of crap,” I said.
“Oh, I don’t?”
“…What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Hannah, I’m not going to pick up again if you call me,” he said, dodging my question. “This is your last chance. Just ask for me back. You know I’ll come back.”
“Jared, I’m not going to call you ever again after today. I said this was the final call. We’re done. You cheated. I broke up with you. It’s over. Accept it.”
“Don’t you try and turn this around on me,” he said. “Just ask me to take you back.”
“‘Take me back?’ What the fuck is the matter with you?” I shouted. My anger had boiled so hot that I no longer needed my heater to work in the car. “I’m going to hang up, Jared. Don’t try to contact me. If I have to, I’ll block your number and any page you have on social media.”
“If you do that, I’m going to come over to your apartment,” he threatened.
“If you do that, I’ll call the police,” I responded. “I know you’re trying to scare me, but it isn’t working.” Truthfully, he was scaring me, but I wasn’t going to let him know that. For a moment, I thought about running home and jumping into Sawyer’s arms… not for protection, but for solace. I wiped my eyes.
“You’ve got a horny attack dog waiting to bare his teeth in your apartment,” he remarked. “I’m surprised you haven’t sicced him on me more than once.”
“I didn’t sic him—”
“Tell him if he wants a fight, he’ll have one, and I’ll win,” he said. “If you won’t beg, maybe he will. You want me to beat up the fuckboy?”
“I want to hang up now. Goodbye, Jared.”
“After he fucks you, he’s going to leave the next day and look for the next piece of ass he’ll talk about over drinks at the bar with the guys,” said Jared. “You’re a hole to him. You know that, right?”
“Bye, Jared.”
“I can’t wait until you do beg for me back and I won’t even look your way,” he kept on. “This is your window—”
“Exactly, and I’m closing it,” I retaliated.
I hung up the phone. I’m not ashamed to admit that I sobbed in my car for nearly an hour, listening to music over the car radio.
My gut told me that something bad was about to happen.
Chapter 20
Sawyer
Driving was often an activity that was able to help me put things into perspective. I had taken scenic routes to and from work during the majority of the week on my bike in the hope I could have epiphanies or realizations about Hannah and the situation that I had gotten myself into.
It was Thursday. I had three days until the duration of the bet would run its course, and I would either have to find a new place to live or have successfully seduced Hannah. I wasn’t pessimistic, but I was coming to the conclusion that I may have overplayed my hand on a game that I knew very little about how to play. Hannah, alone, was making me doubt everything I thought I knew about women.
I sped down a back road. The Ninja’s motor growled like a beast in the woods. There was still plenty of snow on the ground, but no new snow had fallen in about a day, so the roads were clear.
I didn’t think ‘frustrated’ was how I felt because that didn’t seem to describe the agony enough. I couldn’t stop thinking about Hannah. Once it occurred to me that I wasn’t only thinking about sex with her, I assumed the next thing that would happen was me needing to distance myself, emphasize what our deal was, and make sure she wasn’t going to wa
nt to get attached.
But I hated being away from her, and I was no longer simply irritated at her ignoring me; I was furious. I was infuriated about everything, and I hated being in such unfamiliar territory. The fact that I cared so much about what was going on with her made me question whether I was becoming obsessed.
Even though she said she wanted nothing more to do with me, I didn’t wholly believe that. I wanted to think the reason that she seemed to be disconsolate was the same reason that I felt that way.
After everything that had happened with us and with all I had said leading up to then, I wondered if she even thought of me in a ‘serious way.’ I had never committed myself to someone. I had planned on never even entertaining the notion, but I hadn’t planned on meeting someone like Hannah, a woman who was, in many ways, the exception to many of the rules I had come to know.
As I got into town, closer to the apartment, I realized that I was being followed by a black BMW. It never got too close, but it was consistently hovering near me.
Instead of getting paranoid, I decided to test the BMW. I drove aimlessly through town to see if the BMW would follow. Sure enough, after a few minutes of driving my motorcycle around, with no destination in sight, the BMW was still behind me. The windows weren’t completely tinted, but they were dark enough to help conceal the identity of the driver. I wanted to know who it was that was tailing me, and I had no reluctance to confront my stalker. I psyched myself up and looked for an empty parking lot. Once I spotted one, I immediately pulled in, and the BMW crawled in with me.
I parked my bike and got off, waiting for the BMW to come to a stop. I cracked my fingers and neck. I had a lot of pent-up energy and was fully prepared for whoever stepped out of the car. I knew who the driver was before I even saw him.
Jared got out of the car, a slimy grin on his face the entire time. He walked with a sense of purpose. I almost expected him to reach into his pocket and pull out a gun or a knife, but his hands were visible and unencumbered. I took off my helmet and put it on the seat of the Kawasaki.