“Hey, what’s wrong?” He picked up her hands. They felt icy cold.
“Ghosts from my past,” she whispered, staring straight ahead.
He glanced around and saw a young soldier walking by. Did Holly think he was an apparition from the grave? An inexplicable chill momentarily froze him to the bone, and a surge of compassion flooded over him.
“Oh, honey.” He picked up her hand and gently ran his thumb across her knuckles. Tears built up in her eyes and he watched her valiantly trying to blink them away. Leaning across the narrow table, he kissed her on the forehead. “It will get easier as time passes, I promise.” He made to pull away, but she wrapped her arms around his neck and her trembling lips parted.
No power on earth could have stopped him from accepting her invitation. His mouth closed over hers, tentative at first, but when he felt her response, he deepened the kiss, using his tongue to explore more fully. Her lips tasted salty. He wasn’t disappointed, though. She was all and more than he remembered, sweet and unsullied. A bewitching cocktail of innocence and guile.
Danger. A red light flashed inside his head, but he ignored it. When he finally dragged his mouth away and sat up straight in his seat, his heart beat so fast he felt like he had run a marathon. He could scarcely breathe, and Holly’s breasts rapidly rose and fell. Delicate pink tinged her cheeks. Her eyes were wide with bewilderment.
“You’re the only man who could ever make me forget Robbie,” she confessed, putting out a trembling hand to caress the side of his jaw.
Bad move Devereux. You should have kept your hands and lips to yourself. You don’t want commitment. More important, you don’t want to step into the shoes of a dead hero.
How could he extricate himself without hurting Holly? The situation could easily spiral out of control if he didn’t call a halt to things right now. Babies and vulnerable young widows desperate to be loved didn’t fit in with his plans. They had no place in his hectic, selfish lifestyle.
Holly wanted full-time unconditional love, and he wasn’t capable of giving it. What he could offer her would be temporary at worst, part time at best, and it wasn’t enough.
He refocused his vision and stared into Holly’s face. She gnawed her bottom lip in anxious confusion, hope vying with trepidation ‑‑ waiting for him to say something ‑‑ and he couldn’t. Silence stretched out in front of them tense and taut, so tangible he could have put out his hand and touched it. The longer he waited, the harder it became. Never had he felt so helpless, so unsure of himself.
She stared at him, not speaking, but her eyes were full of such yearning he momentarily panicked. Suddenly the desire for self-preservation kicked in to save him. “I’m sorry, Holly.”
He didn’t need to say anymore. She got the message those three little words conveyed. Her face lost all animation, the life seemed to be sucked out of it, leaving the skin white and waxen.
“It’s all right,” she whispered, wondering how she could be mourning Robbie yet wanting Justin at the same time. Seeing the young soldier had brought the memories back; the desperate need to belong to someone, to be loved. Justin knew but didn’t want any part of it. She felt hurt and humiliated as if her soul had been pared open and found wanting.
Lilly saved the situation by nearly knocking Holly’s coffee over as she made a grab for the chips.
“No, you don’t.” She moved the food away. “Too many chips are bad for little girls. I’ve got a jar of baby food for you.” She fumbled around in her bag, purposely not looking at Justin, trying to get her emotions under control again.
“Um, Holly, I might get back to work. I’ve got a couple of urgent things to attend to.”
Sheer willpower stopped her from falling down in a screaming heap on the floor. Pride stopped her from begging him to stay.
“I’ll pay for our food on the way out.” He stood up. “I can give you the fare if you want to catch a taxi home.”
“No thanks,” she said, fighting to keep her voice steady. “I’ve got my train ticket.
“Well,” he reached out and patted Lilly on the head. “Goodbye, little missie. I hope the job turns out well.”
“Thanks for everything.” And thanks for nothing. You built up my hopes even if you didn’t mean to, then smashed them into a million pieces. She didn’t know how she kept the bitterness out of her voice. How she stopped herself from punching and kicking him for ruining her dreams. Dreams, that one day, after they got to know each other a little better, they might have a happy future together. Most of all she despised herself for letting him get to her.
“It’s just the two of us, Lilly Pilly,” she said after he left. “We don’t need Justin or any other man to succeed, we’ll do it all on our own.” With dogged determination, she spooned the baby custard into Lilly’s hungry little mouth.
Once the jar was empty, she wiped Lilly’s face on her bib, put her in the stroller. She started to gather up the discarded remnants of food. Lifting up a couple of serviettes, she discovered Justin’s mobile phone. In his rush to get away he had obviously forgotten it. If she possessed a vicious streak, she would throw it in the nearest rubbish bin, but she couldn’t do it. He had been kind to them.
She had always been transparent and worn her heart on her sleeve. Having cottoned on to the fact that she was becoming too attached to him, a commitment shy man like him would dash off in panic.
Putting the rubbish into a bin next to the door, she smiled at Fabulous Freddie or whatever his name was, and wheeled the stroller out into the street. She could have rung Justin up from a public phone, but curiosity about where he worked got the better of her. You’re a sticky beak, Holly Kirwan, she told herself. Even worse, a fool for running after a man who made it clear he wasn’t interested. How pathetic could a woman get?
It was only a couple of blocks to the modern high-rise office block ‑‑ two tall towers on either side of a ten or twelve-storied square building built of dark green marble. On a brass plaque positioned over an arched entrance were the words ‘Devereux Enterprises.’
The huge double glass doors opened automatically. Posh, Robbie’s slangy term proved an adequate description. The floor tiles were of the palest green and flecked with gold. Cool and sophisticated like Justin.
The stroller wheels squeaked as she wheeled it to the counter where a uniformed security man sat watching a computer screen. She suddenly realized a security camera monitored their every move.
“Hello, could you direct me to Justin Devereux’s office please?”
“It’s on the tenth floor. The elevators are over there on the right. Do you have any I.D.? I’ll need to sign you in.”
“Will my driver’s license do?” She fumbled around in her purse for it.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Kirwan, but you’ll have to leave the pram here.”
“What!”
“Security measures. I’ll keep an eye on it for you.”
“Thanks.” Who would be desperate enough to steal a shabby baby stroller?
She signed the book, putting Mrs. Harris’ phone number and address down. If she hadn’t been so keen to see where he worked, and in all honesty, to see him again to try to clear things up between them, she would have given the security man the phone and saved herself from this inquisition.
Carrying Lilly, she made for the elevator. Within seconds it whizzed up to the tenth floor. She stepped out on to thick gray carpet. Luxurious but tasteful. She only had time to glance at a couple of English countryside prints hanging on the pale gray walls before a beautifully groomed middle-aged lady walked up to her.
“Could I see Justin please?” She juggled her bag in one hand and held Lilly on her hip with the other.
“I’m Lesley, Mr. Devereux’s personal assistant. He never sees anyone without an appointment. Could I help you with something?” She smiled at Lilly. “What a little cutie you are.”
“I need to see Justin. Could you tell him I’m here, Holly Kirwan is my name.” Why didn’t she give the woma
n the wretched phone and be done with it instead of acting like some starved-for-affection puppy?
Lilly squirmed and wriggled to get down. She started to grizzle, and it sounded overloud in the silent rarified atmosphere of Justin’s inner sanctum.
A door swung open and Justin strode out. “What on earth is going on? Holly!” He almost skidded to a halt in front of her. “What are you doing here?”
Lilly reached out to him and automatically he lifted her from Holly’s arms.
“Now, little missie, keep the noise level down or you’ll send my executive staff into shock,” he joked, giving Lilly a grin. She in turn made a grab for his hair.
“Your phone. You left it at Freddie’s,” Holly gabbled. He could turn her into a gibbering wreck without even trying. “I found it under a serviette. I thought you might be worried.” She fished it out and handed it to him.
“Thanks, I didn’t even miss it.” He slipped it into the pocket of his jacket.
She shuffled her feet uneasily. “I...I’d better go and let you get back to work.”
“No, come into my office. Les, could you bring us in some tea please. A biscuit for the baby?” His eyebrows peaked in query.
“No, thanks. She’d make a mess.”
“You wouldn’t make a mess in my office, would you?” Lilly chortled and grasped a handful of his hair and pulled hard. “Ouch, you cruel little thing.”
“Don’t hurt Justin,” Holly said, following him into his office. It appeared sparsely furnished with just an antique desk and two black wing-backed leather armchairs. A state-of-the art computer rested on the desk along with several manila folders and a pile of papers.
“Sit down, Holly. You’re like a cat on hot bricks.”
“You make me nervous. I feel so inadequate sometimes.” She scrubbed her fingers through her hair as she sat down and tried not to stare at him.
He sat Lilly on the floor and took a seat. With his hair ruffled, it gave him a more relaxed appearance, made him seem younger, almost carefree.
“Don’t keep putting yourself down. I’m sorry about dashing off at lunch. You rattle my cage sometimes and make me feel things I shouldn’t.” He gave a depreciating grimace. “It couldn’t work between us,” he said gently. “I can’t give you what you’re looking for, what you have every right to expect from a man.”
Her shoulders slumped making her seem even smaller than before.
“I can only offer you friendship.” He picked up her hand and cradled it between his own. How small and soft it felt. Like Holly herself, soft as marshmallow. Of course she wanted more. A man would have to be blind not to read it in her eyes. The pain and longing. She wanted someone to love, someone to replace the young soldier she had lost, and that sure as hell wasn’t him.
He should banish her from his life, but somehow couldn’t. He wanted to keep an eye on her and Lilly. What a load of crap. He wanted to cuddle her, take her to bed, kiss and caress every inch of her delectable little body, and then make wild passionate love to her. Wanted to light the fire he instinctively knew smoldered below the surface. Like tinder dry grass, once it came into contact with a naked flame, it would flare up and race out of control. That was Holly’s way. No half measures – all or nothing. He couldn’t give her the all, so it had to be nothing.
It was hard when he craved the taste of those sweet pink lips and the feel of her silky hair as he dribbled it between his fingers. Her body would be soft and yielding as he cuddled her close, warm, sensuous, sweetly perfumed. He crossed his legs to dampen down on his male ardor.
Saved. Not by the bell, but Lesley coming in with the tea. He almost laughed at the irony of the situation.
“Put the tray on the desk, thanks.”
As his PA disappeared through the door, from the corner of one eye, he saw Lilly knock over his bin. Giving a squeal of delight, she dug her fingers into the pile of crumpled pieces of paper.
Holly jumped up. “No, you can’t wreck Justin’s things.”
“She’s all right. Sit down and drink your tea. There’s nothing in there that can hurt her.” Lilly was a cute little bundle of mischief. “As long as she doesn’t try eating it. The ink mightn’t agree with her.” He grinned.
Holly’s heart nearly catapulted out of her chest. What a devastatingly handsome man. Strong jawed, lean-angled face and sensuous, to-die-for lips. He did it without even trying. She struggled to dampen down on the warmth seeping into every pore of her being. A widow with a small child shouldn’t be lusting after a man even if he was Adonis and Superman rolled into one.
She poured milk into her tea with a trembling hand, and the hurried gulp of hot liquid burnt her mouth.
“Would you care for a biscuit?”
As he proffered the plate, she had the distinct impression he knew the effect he had on her.
“No thanks.” She loved chocolate biscuits but wouldn’t be able to eat so much as a mouthful. It took a superhuman effort to drink the tea. She couldn’t believe he could get her into such a state of tension by merely looking at her with his cool, assessing gray eyes. She was an amusing distraction for him, someone so different from his usual type of woman she could have come from another planet. She forgot that at her peril.
Lilly crawled over to him, pulled herself up, and clung to his knee. He finished his tea in a couple of gulps and pushed the tray to one side. He picked up Lilly and stood her on the desk, holding her steady with a hand under either arm.
“Well, little missie, what do you think of my office?”
She clapped her hands and he chuckled.
“You’re a clever little pumpkin, aren’t you?” He turned her from side to side and she waved her arms about.
“You’re good with children,” Holly said, immediately regretting her impulsive words as his mouth tightened and his eyes iced over.
“It’s easy putting up with them for a short time.”
“You don’t mean that,” she retorted before she could stop herself. “You’ve got a natural affinity with them. You’re a natural born father.”
“Like hell I am. If you’ve finished your tea, I’ll walk you downstairs,” he said abruptly, rising from the chair and picking up Lilly. She wrapped baby arms around his neck and pressed her face into his neck.
With such a forceful dismissal, Holly could do nothing but put her bone china cup back on its matching gold-rimmed saucer and stand up. “You don’t have to escort us off the premises.” Hurt sharpened her voice. “We’re not going to pinch anything.”
“I didn’t mean to imply that you would. She’s too heavy for you to carry downstairs. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes, Les.” He threw the words over one shoulder as he strode past the PA’s desk.
“Goodbye. Thanks for the tea,” Holly said as she followed him to the elevator. “I can carry her. Even if I don’t look it I’m quite strong.”
Holly was as soft as marshmallow, fragile as the finest porcelain and easily broken. He couldn’t understand the way he acted towards her, running hot and cold all the time. One minute he enjoyed the shared camaraderie and the subtle emotional pull between them. The next minute self-preservation kicked in, and he turned on her like a rabid dog.
He acknowledged the greetings of a couple of young men who stepped into the elevator on the sixth floor and ignored their interested stares at Lilly, but he fumed when they turned their attention to Holly. Their eyes wandered all over her in that assessing sexual way young men had when they saw a pretty woman. Lecherous bastards.
When they got to the security desk he placed Lilly in the stroller; and it looked shabbier and more beat up than he remembered.
“Goodbye, Justin,” Holly said in a tremulous voice that did funny things to his inside. Better for both of them if he never clapped eyes on her again.
“Thanks for bringing me the phone,” he called out to her departing back. She didn’t turn around, just kept pushing the stroller. The squeaking wheel sounded overloud and incongruous in the quiet luxury of t
he foyer.
He glanced at the security book, making a mental note of Holly’s address and phone number purely out of curiosity.
Chapter Six
Holly dressed carefully for her first day at work. She wore black slacks and a pale pink top. After applying her usual pink lipstick she left the bungalow.
Humming to herself, she walked along the street pushing the stroller. Lilly wore deep pink overalls with a heart-shaped motif on the bib front and a pale pink blouse trimmed with lace around the collar. A good-natured baby, she only grizzled if tired or hungry.
Just before nine, they arrived at the crèche. The moment of reckoning. Would Lilly like the people here? Would she enjoy being with other children? Holly hated leaving her, but what option did she have until she found out how much the government pension would be?
“Good morning.” Cheryl greeted her with a cheerful smile. “And how’s Lilly?” She scooped the baby out of the pram and tickled her belly. “I’m sure we’re going to be good friends.”
No tears, thank goodness. So far so good. “When I find out exactly where I’m working, I’ll let you know the extension number, Cheryl, in case you need to ring me.”
“Good idea. I think she’ll be fine. Let me know what time you’ll be having lunch so we can make sure she’s awake when you come down.”
“Thank you.” Holly hovered, loath to leave yet knowing she must.
“Go now. Don’t prolong the agony. If there are any problems we’ll give you a ring.”
“Thanks, I didn’t expect to meet someone so understanding,” Holly said sincerely. “I hope the rest of the Glen Fern staff is nice like you.”
“Most of them are. It’s a good company to work for.”
She left Lilly playing with Cheryl’s necklace and hurried next door to see the receptionist. “Good morning. I’m here to start work.”
“Hi. Mr. Hamilton wants you to go up to his office. He’ll show you around.”
“Thanks.” She didn’t want him to show her around. Didn’t want to have anything to do with him. On the surface, he seemed pleasant enough, but his over familiar manner and the sexual innuendo scared the hell out of her.
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