by Sue Townsend
TWYSLETON-FYFE, Julian
Pandora’s horse-faced gay husband. Amiably studying Chinese at Oxford, but doesn’t intend to sit his finals. A minor aristocrat who strives for eccentricity and fails to achieve it.
Adrian Mole: The Wildeness Years
(January 1991–April 1992)
BELLINGHAM, Belinda
George Mole’s glacial new partner/ employer, the managing director of a burglar alarm company with questionable sales tactics. A frightening blonde.
CAVENDISH, Jack (Bluebeard)
Pandora’s lover. An aged professor of linguistics at Oxford. A three-times, divorced, rumpled, womanizing alcoholic with ten children, many in therapy or rehab.
DARTINGTON, Bianca
A hydraulic-engineering graduate working at a newsagent’s in Oxford. Quietly pretty, she is attracted to an oblivious Adrian, eventually drawing him to London despite his reservations over her profligate use of exclamation marks and love of Guns ‘n’ Roses. She gets him out of grey slip-on loafers and into Next and the 1990s.
De WITT, Leonora
Beautiful Gestalt psychotherapist, with long flowing ‘midnight river’ hair and no shortage of clients suffering from transference. Adrian is quite willing to pay her £30 and beat a chair with a stick. A boxing fan.
HACKER, Angela
Celebrity novelist and drinker, teaches Adrian ‘Writing for Pleasure’ at the Faxos Institute, Faxos. She ‘facilitates Adrian’s epiphany’ and encourages him to swim naked in the Aegean.
HEDGE, Mrs
Adrian’s mournful literary landlady. Slovenly.
MOLE, Jo Jo
African Princess. Heiress to her mother’s Nigerian lorry tyre conglomerate. Tall, beautiful, dreadlocked, marries Adrian out of a mixture of pity and love. A talented artist and mother of William Mole. Out of Adrian’s league in every way possible, the marriage can only be seen as a folie à deux.
PALMER, Christian
Adrian’s live-in landlord/boss. An undercover popular-culture academic with three precocious children and a babysitting problem. Wears his hair in late-period Elvis’ style, and laughs like a barking dog.
PALMER, Cassandra
Shaven-headed wife of Christian; absent directing a film on mutilation in LA, where she learns to function on the cutting edge of politically correct. Her return is not joyfully celebrated by the Palmer household.
SAVAGE, Peter
Adrian’s boss; a rotund celebrity alcoholic with a Bob Hoskins accent. Owner of Savage’s and it’s later perfection, Hoi Polloi, and winner of the ‘Rudest Restauranteur of 1990’ award. His arbitrary banning orders exclude most of the population of central London from his premises.
Adrian Mole: The Cappuccin Years
(April 1997–May 1998)
BANKS, Les
A very unlucky builder contracted to work on the roof of Rampart Terrace.
BOTT-MOLE, Glenn
Adrian’s long unidentified illegitimate son, by Sharon Bott. Semi-literate and a stranger to correct grammar, but with an optimistic and loving nature. Easily satisfied; the happiest time of his life was when Leicester City first won the Worthington Cup. Adrian cannot wait to get him out of gangsta clothes and into Junior Next.
FLOOD, Eleanor
Glenn’s neurotic home-tutor, head of remedial studies at the Keith Joseph Academy. Adrian’s stalker, obsessed with phoenix symbolism and wears only black.
Justine
Adrian’s Soho confidante, with all the latest gossip. An exotic dancer at Large Alan’s with the dress sense expected of a woman who regularly embraces a python for cash.
KENT, Edna
Mother of Barry Kent. Toilet cleaner; later secretary to Pandora Braithwaite, courtesy of an access course and two degrees. One of which is in family law, where she has a good head start.
Luigi
The very Italian Maître d’ of Hoi Polloi. Has been in the business twenty-seven years, and is a ‘personal friend’ of Sophia Loren and Tommy Steele.
Malcolm
Dishwasher at Hoi Polloi. Illiterate, but believes Tony Blair’s new regime will teach him all he needs to know.
MOLE, William
Adrian’s young son by Jo Jo. Obsessed with Teletubbies and ‘motoring oaf’ Jeremy Clarkson; living with the Mole family in Ashby-de-la-Zouch after his parents’ separation. Spends most of his days sitting inside a cardboard box. Later moves to Nigeria, changing his name to Wole Mole.
MONTEFIORI, Zippo
Floppy-fringed producer of Adrian’s daytime cookery show, Offally Good! Never seen without his black Armani overcoat, but doesn’t sweat. There is rumoured to be a waiting list for potential girlfriends.
DOG, New
Replacement for the original Dog. Adrian is secretly less fond of it, believing it to lack character.
SINGH, Dev
Eye-rolling, double-entendre-loving Sikh co-presenter of Offally Good! A manufactured cult figure for students and the real star of the show, he is secretly scared by his own performance.
SAVAGE, Kim
Peter Savage’s estranged wife, a former society florist from the East End with no intention of taking elocution lessons.
STOAT, Arthur
Head of Stoat Books, editor of Offally Good! – The Book. His record for turning a book around is three weeks, with Diana at My Fingertips by her personal manicurist. Adrian Mole presents more of a challenge.
TAIT, Archie
Ancient, ascetic revolutionary socialist, with one leg and one lung. Gravely ill and lives alone with his cat, Andrew. Adrian is compelled by conscience to help him, despite wondering if he will ever be free of pensioners with their ‘liver-spotted hands circling my neck’.
Adrian Mole and The Weapons of Mass Destruction
(October 2002–July 2004)
ANIMAL
Monstrously strong builder helping George and Pauline Mole to renovate The Piggeries. Communicates with Pauline in grunts and listens to the anecdotes George has told thirty times before. When asked his real name answers ‘Animal’.
BLUNT, Ken
Long-serving member of the Leicestershire and Rutland Creative Writing Group, specializing in rabidly anti-American polemic. Not a natural diplomat, but a friend to Adrian.
BOND, Johnny
Travel agent at Latesun Ltd who steadfastly refuses to refund a £57.10 deposit for Adrian’s cancelled holiday. The ability or otherwise of Saddam Hussein to deliver Weapons of Mass Destruction to Cyprus within 45 minutes is central to his case.
CARLTON-HAYES, Hugh
Adrian’s elderly employer; one of the last of the provincial antiquarian booksellers. The person that Adrian most admires, despite knowing nothing about his private life. A refined and gentle man, but not averse to a punch-up; he is a life-long enemy of Michael Flowers after they came to blows over Tolkein’s prose style in the car park of the Central Lending Library.
FLOWERS, Daisy
Half-sister of Marigold. Darkly fascinating London-based PR to the famous who claims to be ‘the author of my own life’. Adrian is strangely attracted to her hedonism and complete disinterest in Dostoevsky; frightened by her passionate opposition to the Iraq war. Immaculate, but not as individualistic as she would like to believe, having recently undergone a full Nigella Lawson re-model. She lives in expensive disorder, with a growing pile of high-ticket designer goods flagged as potential returns.
FLOWERS, Marigold
A thirty-something on-the-shelf depressive who works at Country Organics and accidentally becomes Adrian’s girlfriend. Builds miniature dolls’ houses; performs Mary in a peripatetic Nativity with the Leicester Mummers, and is even less fun than this sounds. Fatally for Adrian, she has beautifully soft skin and fragile wrists. A ‘manipulative, hysterical hypochondriac’, according to Daisy Flowers.
FLOWERS, Michael
Father of Marigold; the scratchy-sweatered proprietor of Country Organics and counter-tenor in the Madrigal Society. An English ‘back to nature’ fascist with
plans for Adrian Mole, he is both repulsive and oddly persuasive. Has a severe aversion to Mexico and Mexicans.
FLOWERS, Netta
Mother of Marigold, uncommitted wife of Michael. Incredibly pink, she resembles a very pretty pig. Shows more affection for her compost heap than her family.
FLOWERS, Poppy
Sister of Marigold. Scientologist maths teacher whose distinguishing feature and main reason for living is her extraordinarily long hair. Not keen on her family’s medievalism; she prefers the Romans, for their civilizing influence and ‘amazing hair products’.
FORDINGBRIDGE, Gladys
Elderly member and regular host of the Leicestershire and Rutland Creative Writing Group. Her literary output consists entirely of sub-Pam Ayres cat poems; one of which, ‘Naughty Paws’, achieves the difficult task of rhyming ‘Whiskas’ with ‘discus’.
Geilgud
Evil leader of a disruptive flock of swans at Rat Wharf, named after his resemblance to the classical English actor. Adrian believes Geilgud holds a personal grudge, claiming to see ‘a sneer on his beak’ during his attacks.
Graham
Nigel Hetherington’s guide dog. The only living thing he has ever truly loved and a better friend to him than Adrian ever was. A creature with eerie intelligence.
Leslie
Mr Carlton-Hayes’ partner, of whom Adrian knows absolutely nothing, except that she/he is reportedly not as keen on books as Mr Carlton-Hayes.
HENDERSON, Bruce (‘Brainbox’)
Adrian’s old school ‘friend’, winner of ‘geek of the year’ at Neil Armstrong Comprehensive. Owns his own consultancy firm, Idiotech, supplier of non-threatening technology solutions to computerphobes. Has plenty of money and needs somebody to spend it on.
HOPKINS, Bernard
Very temporary assistant at Carlton-Hayes’ Books. A hopelessly drunk ex-bookseller and one of the most politically incorrect men hi Leicester; his standard term of address is ‘cocker.’ Disdains all ‘bint’ authors and anything written after Nabakov, although ‘Salman’ is supposedly a personal friend.
MILKSOP, Gary
Over-sensitive, tetchy member of the Leicestershire and Rutland Writing Group. The author of an epic experimental novel that has been worked on for fifteen years. The masterpiece spends two thousand words on Gary’s first memory of eating a Hobnob and is unfinished.
Ivan
Tastelessly named replacement for the NEW DOG, which died on Christmas Day 2001, or was ’killed’ by Adrian, according to his parents.
PARVEZ, Mohammed
Adrian’s friend and financial adviser. A realist who lives within his means, choosing to work from a bedroom office with Postman Pat wallpaper. His concerned but pragmatic advice is generally ignored. Enjoys the drama of cutting up his clients’ charge cards.
STAINFORTH, Robbie
Glenn Mole’s best friend, a shy 18-year-old fellow soldier in the Royal Logistics Corps. According to Glenn, he knows ‘a lot about everything’. Adrian sends him ‘improving books’ by BFPO and privately wishes Glenn was more like Robbie.
WONG, Wayne
Adrian’s old school friend; the cynical owner of the best Chinese restaurant in town, the Imperial Dragon (Wong’s), the only place Adrian really feels at home. A ten per cent discount and a good table near the fish tank are usually available. Not a fan of Marigold Flowers, whom he thinks resembles one of his soo-quid-per-throw carp.
Adrian Mole: The Prostrate Years
(June 2007–May 2008)
DOCTOR PEARCE
An English lecturer with John Lennon glasses and ‘overlarge breasts’. She enthusiastically pursues the possibility of an affair with Adrian, to his dismay. Overrun by her four children.
DR WLFOWICZ
Adrian’s Polish GP. A mournful giant who looks more like ‘a Gdansk steelworker’ than a doctor. Yearns for his wife and home.
FAIRFAX-LYCETT, Hugo
Heir of Fairfax Hall. A ravaged but handsome aristocrat and self-confessed establishment figure, who is building a safari park in his grounds. Employer of Daisy Mole, who is sourcing his giraffes.
LEWIS-MASTERS, Dorothea
Elderly upper-class world traveller and former camel-accessory importer. Frequently quotes the wisdom of the North African ‘men of the desert’. She lives in a large Georgian house, stuffed full of animal skins and heads.
MOLE, Gracie
Adrian and Daisy’s four-year-old daughter, who is already displaying ‘alarmingly Stalinist tendencies’. Usually to be found wearing her little mermaid costume and being carried, as ‘Fish can’t walk’.
Sally
A ‘small but sturdy’, homely radiotherapist. Adrian is fascinated by her disastrous relationship with wolf-conservationist boyfriend, Anthony.
The Mole Books
* * *
FRIDAY JANUARY 2ND
I felt rotten today. It’s my mother’s fault for singing ‘My way’ at two o’clock in the morning at the top of the stairs. Just my luck to have a mother like her. There is a chance my parents could be alcoholics. Next year I could be in a children’s home
Meet Adrian Mole, a hapless teenager providing an unabashed, pimples-and-all glimpse into adolescent life.
‘Townsend has held as mirror up to the nation and made us happy to laugh at what we see in it’
Sunday Telegraph
* * *
SUNDAY JULY 18TH
My father announced at breakfast that he is going to have a vasectomy. I pushed my sausages away untouched
In this second instalment of teenager Adrian Mole’s diaries, the Mole family is in crisis and the country is beating the drum of war. While his parents have reconciled after both embarked on disastrous affairs, Adrian is shocked to learn of his mother’s pregnancy.
‘The funniest, most bitter-sweet book you’re likely to read this year’
Daily Mirror
* * *
MONDAY JUNE 13TH
I had a good, proper look at myself in the mirror tonight I’ve always wanted to look clever, but at the age of twenty years and three months I have to admit that I look like a person who never even heard of Jung or updike
Adrian Mole is an adult. At least that’s what it says on his passport. But living at home, clinging to his threadbare cuddly rabbit ‘Pinky’, working as a paper pusher for the DoE and pining for the love of his life, Pandora, has proved to him that adulthood isn’t quite what he expected. Still, without the slings and arrows of modern life what else would an intellectual poet have to write about …
‘Essential reading for Mole followers’ Times Educational Supplement
* * *
THURSDAY JANUARY 3RD
I have the most terrible problems with my sex life it all boils down to the fact that I have no sex life. At least not with another person
Finally given the heave-ho by Pandora, Adrian Mole finds himself in the unenviable situation of living with the love-of-his-life as she goes about shacking up with other men. Worse, as he slides down the employment ladder, from deskbound civil servant in Oxford to part-time washer-upper in Soho, he finds that critical reception for his epic novel, Lo! The Flat Hills of My Homeland, is not quite as he might have hoped.
‘A very, very funny book’ Sunday Times
* * *
WEDNESDAY AUGUST 13TH
Here I am again – in my old bedroom Older, wiser, but with less hair, unfortunately. The atmosphere in this house is very bad. The dog looks permanently exhausted. Every time the phone rings my mother snatches it up as though a kidnapper were on the line
Adrian Mole is thirty, single and a father. His cooking at a top London restaurant has been equally mocked (‘the sausage on my plate could have been a turd’ – AA Gill) and celebrated (will he be the nation’s first celebrity offal chef?). And the love of his life, Pandora Braithwaite, is the newly elected MP for Ashby-de-la-Zouch – one of ‘Blair’s Babes’. He is frustrated, disappointed and undersexed.
‘Three cheers f
or Mole’s chaotic, non-achieving, dysfunctional family. We need him’