by Pintip Dunn
“You did it, didn’t you?” I say, my knees weak. “You ejected Callie from your heart.”
He drops his head. “I guess you heard. Every day, Angela and Mikey were on my case. To move on. To let go. To live. This is me, trying to do that.”
I close my eyes. This is my fault. I should’ve told him as soon as I learned about my sister. I shouldn’t have listened to Mikey. I shouldn’t have waited. Because now, we can’t go back to yesterday. Even if Callie wakes up, what’s done is done.
Oh, engagements can be broken. But not for someone like Logan—someone whose word means everything. He’s loyal, steadfast, unflappable. That’s why he is so loved. That’s what makes him who he is.
Everything inside me compresses into a tight, dark ball. I’m too late.
I open my eyes, just in time to see his face change. The lines smooth out; his expression turns calm and placid. There’s nothing he can do about the bags under his eyes, but right in front of me, he mutates from a man plagued by tragedy to one who is solid and steady—to the Logan I’ve known all my life.
The transformation is subtle, and I might’ve missed it if I hadn’t watched him from a certain air shaft in the past. But I recognize the shift now. I see how, all of his life, he puts on a mask for me. To protect me.
“I love you, Logan,” I say quietly. “I always have, and that will never change. You were my savior, my protector. You were the only one who loved Callie as much as I did. But I never appreciated what you went through. How hard it must’ve been for you to keep it together and take care of me, when you were just a kid yourself. How you had to put your own despair below mine. But you did it.”
He traces the tip of his shoe in the dirt. “In the beginning, I did it for Callie. All she wanted was for you to be safe. When she couldn’t protect you anymore, I took the reins. Because I loved her.” He tilts his face to the leaf-covered sky. The one that’s always there, always whole, no matter how broken we are underneath. “But pretty soon, you wormed your way into my heart, too. You were a cute kid, you know. It’s easy to see why she loved you so much.”
“I never talked,” I say, flushing. “Remember how you would all be laughing and joking, and I’d be in the corner, sulking?”
“Not sulking.” He picks up my fingers and squeezes them. “You were just taking it all in. Besides, you didn’t have to talk or tell jokes for me to accept you. I love you simply because you’re Jessa. The sister of my heart.”
I take a deep breath and then another one. The tears line my lungs, and every breath brings a little more moisture to the surface. This man. He’s done so much for me. Given me so much. Cruel or not, he deserves the truth.
Haltingly, I tell him everything. How I discovered Callie was still alive. How Mikey convinced me to stay quiet. Our wild plan to save Callie and our journey to the past. How I saw a younger him save a younger me.
When I finish, it’s so quiet I can hear the wind rustling the leaves. The crickets chirping their beginning-of-summer song.
“Say something,” I beg. “Are you mad?”
His eyes flash. “Am I mad? Ten years ago, my life was destroyed. My heart was ripped out, and every time I hoped it could be put back, I was shot down. Encouraged to forget about Callie and move on. Now you’re telling me there’s a possibility she might come back to us?” He shakes his head wonderingly. “I should want to tear time apart that you kept this a secret for so long. But all I can feel is amazed. I might get to listen to her laugh again. To hold her hand. To see in her eyes how my touch affects her.”
“But isn’t it too late? You’re engaged. You’re no longer free to love her.”
“No,” he says. “I’m not.”
My heart—and time itself—stops. “You told Mikey this morning you were going to propose to Ainsley. When I got here, you said it was a done deal.”
“I meant I made the decision to propose,” he says. “I didn’t actually go through with it.”
He takes something out of his pocket. At first, I think it’s a ring, but then I see it is a plant bracelet. Thin green stalks woven together and preserved in some kind of sealant so that it holds, even after one year—or ten. “I had every intention of proposing to Ainsley today. But as I was leaving my house, something caught my eye. Something bright and red. The corner of a leaf.”
He slips the bracelet on his wrist. “I don’t know if you know this, but when we moved back to civilization, your mom gave me Callie’s old books. The physical ones. There weren’t many, just a few cookbooks and a thin volume of poems by Emily Brontë. I kept them on a shelf, and today, as I walked past, I saw a bit of red sticking out of the book of poems. I don’t know why I never noticed it before. When I opened the book, a bright red leaf came fluttering out. Just like the ones I used to give her when we were kids.”
I can hardly breathe. That was me. Logan never noticed the corner of the leaf before because it wasn’t sticking out before. When I went to the past, I put the slim volume back where it belonged, but I left a corner of a leaf poking out. Tanner was so worried that my one small action would change the future—and it did.
Maybe everything does happen for a reason. Maybe our paths roll out exactly the way they’re supposed to unfurl.
“I knew right then that I couldn’t go through with the proposal.” The mask slips from Logan’s face, and he shows me exactly who he is when he’s not trying to protect me. A man who hurts…and loves. “I knew this was a sign telling me to wait for something, anything.” He swipes his hand over his eyes. “Maybe I have more precognition than I thought.”
“Maybe so.” I stand and hold my hand out to him. “Come on. Let’s go wake up my sister.”
57
“Are the doors locked?” my father asks the next morning. “The shades drawn? Com units off?”
“Yes,” I say. We’re back in Preston’s apartment, and we’re as ready as we’ll ever be. More ready than even he suspects.
My head’s fuzzy. My limbs ache. I haven’t slept for twenty-four hours because I’ve been busy making arrangements for my secret plan. A plan no one knows about except Tanner. But sleep is overrated. Just ask Callie. She’s being doing nothing but sleep these last ten years.
“You’re sure Dresden doesn’t know?” My father wheels on Tanner. “You swear you didn’t let anything slip in a conversation, in a report?”
Tanner holds up his hands. “Not a word. I swear to the Fates.”
“She can’t know about Callie, you understand?” He paces the living area, leaving angry red footprints on the pressure-sensitive tile. “She thinks Callie’s dead, that her body’s disposed of. If she discovers I snuck her out, it will blow my cover—everyone’s cover. We’ll no longer be the docile Underground under her thumb but the secret rebellion plotting to overthrow her. It will ruin everything.”
My mom puts her hand on his arm, and he stills. “I’m sorry.” He drops his forehead onto her shoulder. “I’m just nervous.”
It’s amazing to see the connection between them already. It’s like they picked up where they left off twenty-three years ago. And that connection will only continue growing. Even if Callie wakes up today, even if his bond with my sister is no longer needed to connect her to the present time, Preston’s not going anywhere.
“I’ve already lost you once,” my mom said fiercely to him yesterday. “I’m not going to risk losing you again. The past has already happened. Jessa survived it, and so did I. So let’s just leave well enough alone. If you go back, there’s no telling what the world will look like.” She lowered her voice. “No telling how worse off Callie’s condition could be.”
Preston couldn’t argue. Even though I know it kills him to lose twenty-three years with us, he didn’t want to risk losing our family, either. Not when we’re about to be reunited once again.
I tear my eyes from my parents and look around the rest of the room. We’re all here, gathered outside the room where Callie’s body lies. Mikey and Angela, with little Remi in he
r arms. Logan. Ryder, my best friend, who comforts me just with his presence. Zed and his wife, Laurel. Brayden. Tanner. My mom, my dad, and me. We’re the people who mean the most to Callie. We also happen to be the leadership of the Underground and the first fugitives Dresden would chase if —and when—she learns the truth.
After all, nothing stays a secret from Dresden for long. Tanner told me they’re already looking for Callie’s body. It’s been four days since we snuck her out of that cavernous room, and it’s only a matter of time before they find her.
But Preston doesn’t know that. And now’s not the time to tell him.
We troop into the next room and arrange ourselves around Callie’s body. My sister lies on the stretcher, breathing evenly, gently. Lost in the sea of time. Her eyelids are closed and her limbs are loose and limp. She has no idea we’re about to yank her back to the present.
“Step away,” I say to the others. “Give me space.”
Sweat soaks my hair, and my heart drills a hole through my chest. We’ve got more than one shot at this, but the first time has the greatest chance of success. With every repetition, the jingle will become less strange. Less likely to jostle her mind. Callie will begin to absorb the jingle into her consciousness, and then it will feel like every other memory to her. Floating and aimless.
Everyone takes a big step back except Logan.
As we previously discussed, he stands across from me. I hold one of Callie’s hands, and he holds the other.
I square my shoulders, and the air around me seems to vibrate. Or maybe that’s just my trembling nerves. I send a quick prayer into the universe. And then I speak:
“How do you kill the beast?
You take away his food, he feeds off the air
You cut off his head
He grows another one with hair.
How do you stop the chairwoman?
You become her friend
And change the system from within.”
Her eyes twitch. As if she’s trying to open them. As if she’s struggling to remember how.
I suck in a breath. The only other time this happened was when I sent her the memory. That means she hears my words. That means she has a reaction.
“The jingle did its job,” my father says softly. “It triggered her mind. Her mind has stopped zooming, and it’s trying to figure out where to land. Now, it’s up to the two of you. Let her hear your voices. Bring her back to us.”
Logan brings her hand to his chest. As we planned, he’s going first. “Come back to me, Callie. Please. Wake up.”
I shoot him a look as if to say, Is that all you’ve got?
He shuffles his feet. I know he’s uncomfortable. He’s been shut down so often whenever he talked about Callie. He’s had to put so many priorities ahead of his grief. He’s not used to speaking so openly.
“Give her your heart, Logan,” I murmur. “That’s why you’re here.”
He nods, swallows. And begins again.
“Callie. Calla Lily. My heart, my red leaf. I’ve been in love with you since I was twelve. Since you leaned back in your chair, craning your neck to see the sun. I knew from that moment you were the girl for me. You’re good and kind and brave. More importantly, you love deeply and unconditionally. You don’t hold anything back.” His voice breaks, and he lowers his face over their hands. “You…you destroyed me, Callie. I understand why you did it. You wouldn’t be who you are if you hadn’t. But you’ve been lying there for ten years now. I continued living, but your absence is the constant in my life. It greets me every morning and accompanies me to bed every night. I can live without you. I know that now.”
His voice grows stronger in both volume and depth. It pierces all the way through me. “But I don’t want to. I gave you a leaf to remind you of the sun, Callie. But you are my sun. Without you, my world is dark, and it’s time for you to come back to me again.”
I stare as hard as I can at her face. Is that another twitch? Yes, it has to be. A definite flutter of her eyelashes. She’s trying. Father of Time, she’s doing her best to get her eyes open.
Come on, Callie. You can do it. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
And then, miracle of miracles, it happens. Her eyes creak open. They shut again immediately. But they open once more, squinting against the dim light. They dart around the room a few times, a hummingbird lost in flight, and then they settle on me.
My world tilts. Flips upside down, turns inside out. If I weren’t holding onto Callie’s hand, I might slide right off this plane into a different dimension. Is this moment really happening?
It is.
“Jessa?” her voice rasps. It’s little more than a whisper, and it isn’t any wonder. She hasn’t spoken for ten years.
My eyes are wet and blurry, and I don’t know if I’m crying, or if she is, or if it’s the very air that’s weeping. “It’s me, Callie. I’m here. And so are you. So are you.”
The others get in line, and one by one, they each have their moment with her. She recognizes all of them, even my dad. And then, it’s Logan’s turn. They don’t say much, but they don’t need to. Their love is apparent in the graze of his knuckles against her cheek, in the way their gazes latch onto each other’s and refuse to waver.
My heart is full to the point of bursting. I’m crying and laughing. I hug my mom and kiss Tanner and toss baby Remi into the air. I’ve experienced joy before, but nothing like this. Nothing even close to this.
I know, without a single, slightest doubt: I’ve never been so happy in my life.
58
Later, I’m in front of Callie once again. Holding her hand once again, while the others talk to one another in small groups. My sister lies against her pillow, exhausted. The machines kept her muscles from atrophying, but she’s not used to sitting and breathing on her own.
Still, there’s a reddish tinge to her cheeks that wasn’t there earlier. The light in her eyes completely overwhelms the fatigue in her face, and her breath, while short, has the unevenness associated with life.
I check my joy. My job here isn’t done. I didn’t get to say the speech I prepared, and maybe that’s just as well. It won’t preempt what I’m about to do now.
“I have something to say to you, something everyone should hear,” I tell Callie, raising my voice to get the others’ attention. My throat is tight; my heart, the one that so recently expanded like a balloon, feels even tighter. “For a long time, I believed I should’ve died instead of you. I felt unworthy of your sacrifice. You gave so much—not only to me but also to the rest of the world. You gave us back the belief in ourselves, in our own free will, in the control we have over our futures. ‘Remember yesterday’ became our rallying cry. Remember Callie. Remember what she did to change her future. If Callie could do it, then we can, too.”
I take a deep breath. This one comes from deeper than my lungs. It comes from the very center of my soul. “While I appreciate what you gave me, while I honor and love every bit of who you are, I’ve come to realize that you made a mistake. That’s okay. Because every mistake brings us closer to the right answer.”
I let her hand slip through my fingers, and I back away. Ryder and Angela part as I crowd into them, giving me a clear path to the wall screen. And the security panel next to it.
“How do you stop the chairwoman?” I flex my hand. My fingers are shaking, but I don’t need steadiness for what I’m about to do. “Not by taking your own life. Not even by cutting off the fingers of a little boy. You can’t stop the chairwoman by delaying the invention of future memory. First, because science won’t be delayed forever. And second, because future memory is simply a tool. You can’t stop a monster by taking away her tools. You have to get into her brain and you change her, and if she’s unmalleable, then you have to change her organization.”
My back bumps into the wall. And there it is: the red security button, at the top left corner of the panel. The one with a direct line to PuSA, the Public Safety Agency. The one that alerts the authori
ties of a traitor in our midst. Every ComA employee is urged to install one in his or her home, and every apartment in the scientific residences has one.
“I used to believe I was unworthy, but not anymore. Everything that’s happened has led me to this moment. When I finally prove my worth to you.”
My eyes drift to Tanner, and he gives me a single, precise nod. He’s the one who helped me hide all the equipment. He’s the one who knows about and believes in my plan.
Quickly, before I can change my mind, I flip open the glass cover and push the button. “You have exactly six minutes to get out of here before PuSA arrives. Run through the woods and jump into the river. I’ve hidden canoes on the other side. There’s enough dry food and equipment in them to last you several months in the wilderness. Medicines for Callie, formula for Remi. Everything you could possibly need to make your lives comfortable. It’s time for you to go on the run once more.”
The anger, the rants, the cries explode instantaneously.
“What are you doing?” Logan roars. “Callie’s still weak. She’s in no shape to travel.”
“Remi’s just a baby,” Angela wails. “She might die out there in the wilderness.”
“I didn’t think you had it in you,” Ryder bites off. “In all our years of friendship, I never pegged you for a traitor.”
I cover my ears. No. Not him, too. My closest friend. He knows me better than I know myself. I’m not going to see him for a long, long time. I can’t bear for this to be the last words I hear from him.
But what can I do? Even if I block my hearing, I can still see the kaleidoscope of their accusations. The slashing anger in Ryder’s cheeks, the twisted rage in Mikey’s lips, the burning betrayal in Angela’s movements. My mother looks worried, my father confused. Each expression cuts me, deeper than my skin. Deeper even than arteries and veins. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt. I didn’t know I could hurt so much.