by Freya Barker
"Unca owie?"
I look down to see Mattias toddling over, eyeing my hand with worry on his little face. Fuck me. "I'm good, little man. Just a Band-Aid and I'll be fine." His head tilts to the side as he looks at me, before reaching for the offending hand and pressing a slobbery kiss on it.
"Me kiss Unca owie bettuh."
"Thank you, buddy—that helps." My voice cracks. "It's cancer." I focus on Katie's face when I spit it out and when she squeezes her eyes shut at the news. I can feel it in my gut.
"Brother..." Caleb mumbles behind me. The two of them are the only people who know exactly what this means. Katie knows, because Caleb opened up completely with her, just like I've now done with Kimeo.
"She'll kick that bitch, just you wait," Arlene says blinking furiously.
"Arlene! Language..." Emma points at Mattias who has found his buddy Max playing on the floor.
"Damn right!" Kerry says at the same time.
I fill them in on the rest of it. The wait for the lab to type the cancer, the appointment at Mercy Durango, the aggressive treatments that will follow. By the time I'm done, I'm drained, but when I look around the room, all I see is hope on the faces of our friends, and just like that, the heavy load on my shoulders lifts a bit. Whatever happens, we're not in this battle alone.
-
"Please, Mal, I need you."
Kim's voice is still hoarse from surgery almost a week later. She was warned that in some cases, the type of surgery she had could alter the voice permanently. I would hate not hearing that sweet melodic sound again, so I scold her when she talks too much. Her sister had been down for a visit. Left again the same day after a tearful apology when she heard Kim had likely always had a thyroid condition. Harsh to learn that her entire life she had berated Kim for things she never had in her control. I couldn't help but hope she felt like shit at the discovery that her small-mindedness and judgement were always unfounded. Not that it's ever okay to treat another person like that. I knew she was hurting. Good. She could afford a little hurt after all Kim incurred. After assuring Kim that their mother appeared to be recovering slowly, but surely, Britta left. She cried and promised to make up for lost time which got Kim going. Pissed me right the fuck off, because crying is painful for her and it doesn't do her voice much good.
I'm staying with Kim in Beth's house. Nowhere else I want to be, and Gus agreed to the leave of absence until we had her back on her feet. His words, not mine. It's not like money is going to be an issue. I've built up a nice nest egg over the past few years of going straight and hardly any expenses.
I need to be close to her at all times. To sleep with her in my arms, feel her breath on my chest when we wake up together, although I haven't dared move beyond kissing her and holding her. Until now.
Kim is awake when I come to bed and her eyes follow me around the bedroom as I strip my clothes off and drop them on the hamper. "If you can drop them on it, I'm sure it wouldn't be much extra effort to drop them in it," she points out with an eyebrow raised. I love seeing a bit of fire back, as I ignore her remark and crawl up the bed and on top of her, my elbows bracing her head on each side.
"You being a smartass?"
She wiggles a little, her legs spreading wide to allow for my hips to settle down between them. That's when her eyelids go half-mast and in her croaky voice she begs me.
"Please..." she repeats, lifting her hips and mouth simultaneously, reaching for contact. "I need to feel you. Need you to make me feel alive."
That I can do, and with swift, gentle moves, I strip her nightie off. She's blessedly naked underneath. Wearing nothing more than my underwear. It's only a second before I too am naked, but instead of fitting my hips between her legs again, I slide back down the bed to wedge my shoulders there. The soft flesh of her inner thighs pillowing my ears, muffling the sounds she makes when I close my mouth over her pussy. My tongue flat against her folds, her taste and scent invading my senses. She's so slick and primed, it doesn't take much to send her soaring with the pulsing suction I keep on her clit. The moment I feel her legs relax and loosen their hold on my head, I kiss my way up her body, making sure to include a careful press of my lips against her incision. When I reach her lips, I plunge my tongue in her mouth, and at the same time I slide my cock into her sweet heat. Nothing like it.
My eyes lock on hers and in them I see everything I feel reflected. We knew sleep would be hard to find tonight and we both need this affirmation. This physical expression of every emotion we're feeling. This confirmation of life, right now, in this moment.
Our lovemaking is slow and as intimate as I've ever experienced anything, lasting deep into the night.
Tonight nothing but the two of us exist, but tomorrow we learn our enemy—and then we fight.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Kim
"Want me to wait out here?" Naomi asks as the nurse waits to show us in to a private room.
Joe and Naomi had followed us into Durango this morning. Joe had an appointment with Damian Gomez and Naomi offered to come along so she could be here if we came away with questions. I would've asked her if she hadn't offered. Both Mal and I have been trapped in our own minds this morning. Thoughts of what was ahead preoccupying us both. Thoughts often too scary to voice. We seem to be too conscious of not upsetting the other. Ironic, that we both realize that but still find it difficult to open up to the other. Cancer is a bitch and having it out there as something that affects others is not the same as having it invade your life, like an unwanted and uninvited guest at your holiday table. Alien and uncomfortable. Scary even, like something separate from you intent on living in you, living off you, at your ultimate demise. The thought of fighting this...thing that has invaded me, by fighting my own body seems so unnatural. Which is why I don't really trust my own mind. Or Mal's for that matter. He would be inclined to want to avoid anything that is uncomfortable or painful for me.
Naomi is the perfect person to have with us. She cares, but is knowledgeable and removed enough to be able to give sound, fact-based advice. We'll need that.
"Hell no. You're coming in," I tell her, grabbing her hand and dragging her out of her chair. Mal chuckles from behind us. "And don't you dare bail out on me either," I throw at him for good measure.
"Talking too much," he warns me teasingly.
When the three of us walk chuckling through the door the nurse indicates, a very surprised doctor is already waiting for us. "Hi," she says, sticking out her hand. "I'm Dr. Jennifer Healey, I'm an oncologist here at Mercy Durango. I'm sorry, I'm a little startled. I'm not used to too much giddiness on a first visit but it sure is a nice change." She smiles at me, having somehow pegged me as her patient. "See you brought reinforcements too. That's good. You'll need the support, this is not gonna be a cakewalk. But make no mistake—you will kick this.”
Over the next forty-five minutes, she amasses a team of different specialists to hammer out a treatment plan, which will span six weeks and will include three chemo treatments, immunotherapy, radiation and hormone replacement therapy. Apparently this is not uncommon with non Hodgkin’s lymphoma, which I apparently have. Two of the lymph nodes they took had also been affected which is why they appear to be throwing the book at me. My head is spinning as Mal keeps his arm firmly around me. I'm so grateful Naomi is here to ask all the pertinent questions, because I swear I've forgotten seventy-five percent of what I've been told. All I can think about is my hair. How sick is that? As if that's the worst thing that can happen to me, losing my hair.
"So we'll see you tomorrow for your first chemo treatment, and Thursday we'll start with the first set of five consecutive days of radiation." Dr. Healey offers her hand again and when I grab it, she holds my hand in both of hers. "It's gonna be fast, my dear, but you have a great team here and we'll get you through it."
After Mal and Naomi say their goodbyes we make our way to the coffee shop in the lobby, where Joe is already waiting. I'm so exhausted. I can't even think let al
one speak but I do notice the serious look he sends Malachi.
"You girls grab a coffee and I'll just borrow Mal for a second, okay?" He gives Naomi a quick kiss while Mal hugs me tight.
"You gonna be okay for a bit here?"
I nod my response forcing myself to open my fists, which are clenched in his shirt.
"Come on." Naomi grabs my arm and pulls me to the counter. "Since they already warned you that nausea might become a problem in the next few weeks, we might as well gorge ourselves now, right?" She points out the pastries behind the glass of the counter. My knee jerk instinct to say no almost makes it out of my mouth but at the last minute I forcefully shove it away. No fucking way. Not a minute longer am I going to cave to the hurtful conceptions planted in my brain. If I am starting to understand anything, it's that I've let that kind of thinking restrict me for forty fucking years. Not a moment longer.
"I'll have that one, and that one." I point to a scrumptious looking jelly-filled donut and a cream cheese Danish. Haven't tasted either of those since my father was alive and would occasionally sneak me off to the bakery around the corner. "And I'll have a full fat latte with cinnamon," I add rebelliously, making Naomi laugh.
"That's the spirit, girlfriend," she snickers, throwing her arm around my shoulder. "You heard the woman, and make that a double order," she tells the kid at the counter.
Mal
"What's going on?"
Joe takes me out the front door and over to a bench under a couple of trees where we sit down.
I don't have a good feeling about this. He wouldn't have picked this moment to pull me aside if it wasn't something serious.
"Hartnett's gone."
"What?" I shake my head, not quite grasping what he's saying.
"Jacob Hartnett disappeared from the safe house in the mountains this morning. One FBI agent was knocked unconscious, another was shot in the stomach. We don't know yet what the exact sequence of events was, but the result is the same—he's gone."
"Did he have help?"
"Looks like. He was shackled the entire time he was there, but when they found him gone this morning, his shackles had been cut off with a bolt cutter. They don't generally keep bolt cutters around for convenience. So yes, I'd assume he had outside help, although how the hell they were able to find the house in the middle of nowhere, I have no idea. Shit, we didn't even know where it was until this morning."
"Fuck! This is not what we need right now," I bite off, knowing full well Joe can't do a damn thing about it either.
"I know, bud. Believe me I know."
"I can't take Kim away now. Her treatments start tomorrow. And starting Thursday she has to be in daily for radiation. I was already thinking about finding a short-term lease here in Durango. She's likely gonna feel pretty miserable and I don't want her to have to drive back and forth for hours every day."
"That might not be a bad idea, you know? Let me see if I can get a hold of Jed. You remember him? Clint's brother? He stepped in when Clint was injured and finished Naomi's clinic."
"Yeah, I remember him. He moved here, didn't he? To Durango?"
"Yup, but I just heard from Clint he's working on a massive property outside of Ouray. So he's out of town. Let me make a few calls. See if you can't crash at his place for the time being. It's a nice log home just out of town. Pretty secluded, but I'm guessing only fifteen or twenty minutes from the hospital." Joe looks pretty pleased with himself and I've got to admit, it seems like a pretty solid plan. Question now is what to tell Kim.
"Tell her," Joe says as if I voiced my thoughts out loud. "Seriously—I would. Secrets kill relationships. You love her, right?" I just lift my eyebrow and Joe chuckles. "Right, I figured. That woman in there is stronger than she looks, my friend."
I know that. Of course I know that. Jesus. All these guys are in my head. It's creeping me out.
I glance over at the coffee shop, spot her sitting at a window seat with Naomi and I burst out laughing. Joe looks at me oddly, before following my gaze and when he starts chuckling himself, I know he's seeing the same thing.
The moment she spots Joe and I laughing, I see her put the donut down and wipe furiously at her mouth and chin which are covered in icing sugar and jam. Next she throws me a dirty look, which apparently Joe finds even more hilarious.
"She doesn't get out much, does she? She looks starved," he snickers, which earns him the sharp end of my elbow as I get up from the bench to try and make nice with my girl. She had looked pretty ridiculous, sitting there with both hands on that giant donut obliterating half of her face. "She's starved herself for decades. It's only recently I managed to convince her to eat. I'm thinking she's doing some catching up."
"Right," Joe says, suddenly serious. "I can see why she would—now."
By the time we get inside, Kim has shoved the plate with the half eaten donut and an untouched Danish to the edge of the table. She refuses to look at me.
"Sorry," I try as I slide onto the seat beside her, draping my arm around her shoulders which she is holding stiff. "I wasn't laughing at you, per se." That earns me a glare from the corner of her eyes, before she focuses on the table in front of her again.
That went well.
Kim
"We'll come back here after your treatment tomorrow and I will pack us up. Thursday morning we drive back to Durango, drop Boo off with Caleb, and settle into Jed's place after we stop for your radiation."
We just got back from Durango and are taking Boo for a much needed walk. Neil is following behind. Something that apparently is necessary again with Hartnett on the loose. Mal filled me in on the way home and after the initial shock, I got pissed. I never asked for any of this, yet I seem to get handed one pile of shit after the other. Damn that Hartnett. God only knows where he is now. I don't even know if he would bother coming after me at this point in time. What's the use? Am I not the least of his worries now that he's escaped federal custody? The anger feels good—productive. I know I overreacted when I saw Mal and Joe laughing at me. I guess it must've looked ridiculous, but I've always been sensitive when it comes to how I look and it doesn't help to know that I'll likely be losing my hair sometime in the near future too. Now that's gonna be something to see. I swallow down the tears that are threatening. I have no time or energy to spend crying over the little things right now. I should save my energy for more important things—like beating this thing. I don't even know if it would be wise for Hartnett to get close to me, I might just use him to take my anger out on. I can't use Mal for that, he's suffering enough already.
"I don't think that's a good idea. Hartnett knows I'm in Cedar Tree. He doesn't have a clue about my treatments. Last place he'll look is back in Durango. He'll come here first."
Mal stops and turns toward me. "Then what do you suggest?"
"Easy, we'll spend tonight here, and tomorrow we'll leave for Durango early, with Boo. Drop him off at Jed's house, go to the hospital and just stay there. Why come back here?" I don't want to even discuss Boo. He's coming with, whether Mal likes it or not.
"Babe, it's much easier to leave Boo at the barn with Caleb. We're gonna be in and out of Jed's place and it'll just be a new place he needs to get used to. He's used to hanging out with Blue."
I shake my head no, even though I know what he says makes sense.
"Gonna need Boo, Malachi. I need him there with me." My voice sounds fragile even to me. It's true though, if I'm going to be miserable, I want Boo around. He's always so sweet when I feel off.
Mal bends down trying to look me in the eyes, which I'm trying to keep averted because I. Don't. Want to cry. Noticing my struggle, he folds me in his arms. "Okay," he says simply. "Boo comes. Maybe what we'll do is see if Neil can bring him later. He was going to head up there anyway."
"Neil? Why?"
"For extra safety. In case we run into anything unexpected. In case I have to attend a meeting at some point or leave you alone for groceries or whatever. Two of us are better than one, and I
figure you're already used to Neil being around."
My first instinct is to protest. These people have done so much, already there's no way I can ever repay them. But as we make our way back onto our street, with Boo happily lifting his leg on every blade of grass, it dawns on me that having Neil around might be as much for my sake as for Mal's. I'm pretty positive he wouldn't see it that way, but considering what lays ahead, he is in for a rough ride as well. So I swallow back what was on my lips to say.
"Okay," I agree instead, my reply catching him a little by surprise. He curls his arm around my neck, draws me close and presses a kiss to my forehead. Slipping my own arm around his waist, we walk up the driveway to find a big Yukon parked there. Gus and Emma are waiting on the porch.
"We're not staying long," Gus says with his hands up, "I just need a minute of Mal's time and Emma has some stuff for Kim."
Sure enough, when Mal opens the door and we all pile in the house, Gus comes in last with a box full of containers.
"What is all this?" I want to know, taking a peek at what's inside.
"I did a bit of research this morning to see what you should and shouldn't eat while you're getting treatment," Emma starts but Gus interrupts her.
"She was going to cook you pies, silly woman."
Emma slaps her hand in his midsection. "Hush, you know I need to feed. Anyway, as I was saying, after Gus so graciously pointed out that pie might not be the best choice of food in your case, I found some great stuff on the Internet. It says there are ways to minimize nausea for instance, so I made you a bottle of ginger tea syrup that you only have to add hot or cold water to, whatever your preference. It's supposed to prevent or soothe nausea. It also say you should make what you eat count in terms of nutrition but that some things may be difficult on your stomach, so to eat small meals or snacks." She holds up the large square container. "These are Powerballs, made with sunflower seed, oatmeal, almond butter, coconut and cranberries. Supposed to be great energy boosters and are full of healthy protein." She hands me a ball from the container and I try it.