He shook her hand almost angrily. ‘Don’t say that. It was the way you looked that — Look, I’ve been wanting to apologize to you. Explain.’
‘Explain?’ She couldn’t look at him.
‘I behaved badly. I was rude to you.’
She thought about that. Then she said thoughtfully, ‘Yes. I think you were very rude.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Oh? Is that supposed to be the end of it?’
‘No. I wanted to explain too.’ He sounded annoyed then. ‘Not that you gave me the bloody chance. You’ve been walking around here like a thorn bush!’
‘What did you expect? A nice crawling lady coming along and pleading, “Oh, be mean to me again, do, I really like it, you know, that’s what women like best, you know, men being hateful…”’
‘I know better than that, and don’t you ever accuse me of anything like that again,’ he said sharply, and this time he put both his hands on hers, holding them tightly. ‘I had a good reason to behave as I did. I can’t explain now. There isn’t time. But I’d like the chance.’
She lifted her head and looked at him, examining his face almost dispassionately, looking at the lines round his eyes, the way his hair flopped over his forehead, the somewhat ill-shaven cheeks and the beginnings of jowls. He wasn’t at all good-looking, but it was an agreeable face and she liked to look at it. But she had to know first.
‘Sam, did you shoot at Tully?’ she said and sat looking at him with her eyebrows raised in simple interrogation.
There was a silence as he stared back and then he said stupidly, ‘Did I what?’
‘Did you shoot at Tully? Was that gun muzzle I saw in the film the other end of you? I mean was it you holding it, but out of shot? Did you shoot at Tully?’
What reaction she had expected, had she thought about it, she didn’t know. It wouldn’t have been what she got, that was certain. Because he lifted his head and began to laugh. A low fat laugh deep inside to start with and then louder and more uncontrolled, and that it was genuine amusement firing it was undoubted.
‘Is that what you’ve been thinking?’ he managed to get out at last, and she stared at him still, just nodding. ‘You’re potty, you know that? Quite potty.’
She pulled her hand away from him angrily. ‘I am not! It was a reasonable question to ask. We’d been friends — Well, I thought so. And then when I tell you I’ve seen something on the film that looks like a gun aiming at Tully, which would mean it was a deliberate act rather than a ricochet, you suddenly go all cold and distant. And then I remembered’ — she swallowed — ‘I remembered the time you had a row with Tully, said one day someone’d cut his throat, and when they did, you’d cheer. What would you have thought if you’d been me?’
‘Oh, you daft object!’ The amusement was still in him. ‘Let’s think it through, Hattie, shall we? If I were such a deep-dyed villain and thought I’d been spotted by the bright eyes of a clever lady, would I make her angry with me and treat her badly? Or would I suck up to her like all get out and be all sweetness and light so as to convince her I was innocent as the babe unborn and all the rest of it? As for the row with Tully, that was all part of normal staffroom infighting. I loathed the way the man behaved with the boys. I loathed the way he showed off — you saw it yourself! He kissed a boy just to shock you, remember? There was nothing special in that episode in the staffroom to make you cast me as a gunman. Do be sensible!’
She tried to think about that, wrinkling her forehead. It was hard to think clearly. She wished suddenly that she was in bed; now she could sleep. ‘I suppose you could be right,’ she said eventually. ‘I suppose.’
‘You’re damned right I’m right!’ He got to his feet and pulled her up too. ‘Look, I have to go to my class, or there’ll be all hell let loose, and someone has to go to your girls. But I want you to rest. You need looking after. Let me take you to the Headmaster’s office and see if he can arrange something for the girls while you —’
‘No!’ she said strongly. ‘I’ve got a job to do as much as you have and I’ll do it. They need me to talk to. No one else can help them cope as well as I can.’
He looked at her closely and she lifted her chin to look back and suddenly his face folded into a smile of such warmth and approval that she felt herself redden.
‘Yes, I’m sure you’re right about that. No one else could possibly replace you. And I don’t mean just for your girls. All right, I’ll see you to your class. Can we meet at lunchtime? I have things to explain to you.’
‘No!’ she said, not knowing why she was being so captious when she felt so warm and happy, even excited. To punish him for the way he’d behaved? Perhaps. ‘No, I had a dreadful night and at lunchtime I’m going to need a rest. I’ll see you after the meeting tonight. Perhaps.’
He looked so cast down that she wanted to laugh aloud. It was a lovely look to see on his face after the past few weeks, and she smiled at him beatifically and said, ‘I have to go.’
‘You’re being rather — Well, all right.’ He put one hand on her elbow and steered her to the door and she shook him off.
‘I’m not helpless. Tired, yes, and a bit bewildered, but not terminally so. You don’t have to treat me like a pre-war Dresden doll.’
‘Ouch!’ he said and let go of her elbow. ‘Reproof taken.’
‘Good,’ she said, smiling again, even more beatifically, and went away down the corridor to her classroom. He stood and watched her go and she was very aware of his eyes on her back, and enjoyed the feeling. She was exhilarated now, and only pleasantly sleepy. The tension that had filled her when she arrived at school this morning was gone, and she sighed softly, enjoying the sensation of air moving into her lungs. It was good to be alive this morning; and then, remembering Collop as she went past the big doors that led to the assembly hall, she felt a sharp stab of guilt. Wicked to be happy when he was so hurt, but all the same …
The girls were there when she reached her room, subdued and murmuring together, and she told them immediately that she’d phoned the hospital that morning and that Mr Collop was all right. He had to heal of course, but he was all right and would do well. And a soft movement of breath seemed to pass over them so that they swayed to it as grass in a field sways to the wind and their shoulders relaxed and some of them smiled.
‘That’s all right then,’ Gillian said. ‘So we don’t have to go on about it. It was bad enough seeing it. Don’t want to go on and on about it.’
They seemed to agree with her, and became more alert, digging in their bags for their books, and then Bridget looked at Hattie and said, ‘Please, Mrs Clements, do we have to have a Learning to Live class this morning? It’s always very interesting, of course,’ she went on hastily, ‘but I’m all behind with some of my homework what with the play and all, and it’d be ever such a help if we could have a free period now to catch up.’
Hattie was relieved. The thought of trying to run a class as usual had been daunting, feeling as she did. She needed the time as much as they, and she said so candidly.
‘Smashing.’ Gillian got to her feet. ‘I’m going to the library then. Got the extra books there and bigger tables. Excuse me, Mrs Clements.’ And one after the other they followed her, until there were just Dilly and Hattie left in the room.
Hattie sat and looked across the rows of empty chairs at her and Dilly sat with her head down, twiddling with her fingers in her lap and, without having to think about it, Hattie knew what it was she wanted. She said gently, ‘Dilly, are you very worried about Ar- Vivian?’
There was a little pause and then Dilly said with a note of insolence in her voice, ‘What if I am?’
‘I am too,’ Hattie said, and Dilly lifted her chin and looked at her.
‘He said you would be,’ she said. ‘It was the first thing he said to me after — when we left last night. “She’ll wonder why I was there,” he said. “I had no reason to be there, so she’ll wonder why and she’ll think I put the acid in M
r Collop’s bottle.” He’s clever, isn’t he? Always knows …’
‘I’ve never doubted his intelligence,’ Hattie said.
‘You shouldn’t. He’s a genius, really. You’ve no idea.’
‘You have?’
‘Oh, of course I have.’ She sounded impatient. ‘We’re — it’s the closeness, you see. Me and him, we’re all we’ve got. I’ve only got Freddy and — well, I ask you. He’s all right, but he’s Freddy, isn’t he? No good to me at all. And as for my gran and my mum, forget it. I’ve only got him, and he’s only got me.’
‘No family?’ Hattie was genuinely curious, but she asked as much to delay matters as for any other reason. The question of whether Arse had anything to do with the acid last night still hung unanswered between them. ‘He’s never said much about his family.’
‘Just a mum.’ Dilly’s lip curled a little. ‘One of the stupid sort. Went and had a baby just because — well, because. Viv told me. Said she went on and on about freedom and the way men exploit women and she’d never get married but follow her career and when she was getting older and wanted to fulfil herself, she would. So she did. She was thirty-nine when Viv was born. I ask you!’
‘I see what you mean,’ Hattie said dryly. ‘A great age.’
‘It is to have an illegitimate baby on purpose when you don’t know anything about looking after babies and when the only reason for having one is to please yourself and not because you care about making a person,’ Dilly said passionately. ‘I hate her for what she did. I’m glad she had Viv, of course I am, but she’s — the things she’s done to him —’
‘Just because she had a career and then wanted to have a baby too? Men can do that.’ Hattie was still needing time to think, wanting to keep at arms’ length the question of what the boy had been doing in the hall last night. ‘I thought you were a feminist.’
‘I am,’ Dilly said loudly. ‘But not a selfish one! If I couldn’t make it right for a baby, I wouldn’t have one, even if I wanted to. Anyway, she — the way she did it, he’s on his own all the time at home. She’s always out doing her own thing. It’s been like that since he was seven or eight. Never worried about leaving him on his own, because he was so sensible, she said. It’s like being a lodger, only she pays the bills, he says. Doesn’t care where he is or who he’s with. I wouldn’t do that to a child of mine …’
‘Because it was a bit like that for you, Dilly?’ Hattie said softly, aware now of what was going on, forgetting her own preoccupation, and Dilly’s face seemed to crumple.
‘It’s always been like that,’ she said and her voice thinned out and became tight and high as tears moved into it. ‘Even when they weren’t together it was like I wasn’t there, except when they wanted to be sentimental and lovey-dovey and called me Tuppence, and — Oh, what’s the point of talking about it? No one gives a shit about us. They have babies just because they feel stupid and randy and want to have someone to shove around and bully and never mind what we might want or we might think. It’s like here. No one gives a shit here either, it’s all about getting the right number of parents to send their kids here to make money for them, and shoving us through exams just to make themselves look good and how marvellous the teachers are and to hell with you lot, you’re just the raw material for us to live our lives on —’
She was frankly crying now. Hattie moved across the room and stood behind her and then, moving carefully, knowing how sensitive and tense Dilly was, bent and put her arms round her and set her face against her hair and began to rock her, very gently, crooning softly at the back of her throat.
‘It’s all right,’ she murmured. ‘All right, love. It’s all right. We’ll sort it out, see if we don’t.’
The tears went on in a flood, rose to a choking of sobs and then slowly subsided until she was sniffing and just hiccuping occasionally, and Hattie let go and came round to sit beside her and look at her.
‘You’re scared too, aren’t you?’ she said gently and Dilly, mute, nodded.
‘Did you ask him why he was there last night?’
Dilly nodded furiously. ‘I asked him. I said did he — I said he did the pepper — and I’d have helped him with this like I did with that if he’d asked me to and he got so angry with me — He went off, so angry — Oh, what’ll I do if he stays angry, Mrs Clements? What’ll I do?’
‘I don’t know,’ Hattie said truthfully. ‘I can’t know. I can only hope for you that he doesn’t. And that he hasn’t any reason —’
‘That’s the awful bit,’ Dilly said and looked at her through eyes red-rimmed and still brimming. ‘I ought to know. I ought to believe it’s all right and I just can’t. I keep thinking.’
‘You’ve got a good mind, Dilly. You can’t help thinking,’ Hattie said. ‘It’s a gift you’re lumbered with.’ And she rubbed her face, suddenly aware again of her own fatigue. ‘You need some rest.’
Dilly managed a watery smile. ‘You mean you do. You look awful.’
‘Thanks. Thanks a bunch.’ Hattie smiled too. ‘A bit better now?’
Dilly nodded. ‘It’s so corny but I suppose — it’s easier when you say it to someone.’
‘Yes,’ Hattie said. ‘It’s why I’m here. Listen, go and do some work in the library. You’ll feel better if you do.’
‘Yes,’ Dilly said. ‘I suppose so.’
‘And —’ Hattie hesitated. ‘We’ve got to talk to Viv about this, haven’t we?’
‘I can’t,’ Dilly said. ‘I can’t. I need him — I can’t —’ And the tears lifted in her voice again.
‘It’s all right,’ Hattie said quickly. ‘I’ll do it. Leave it to me.’
And Dilly nodded and went away and Hattie sat there staring at the blank door after she’d gone and thought, Here I go again. Always sticking my neck out, always taking on the responsibility. Why do I do it? Why can’t I just let people sort themselves out? But there was no answer she could think of.
Twenty-nine
‘So there you have it,’ the Headmaster said. ‘Collop and I both agree that this is as far as the matter goes.’
‘He can’t agree,’ Bevan said shrilly. ‘How can he, lying in that hospital and choked with acid? What state is he in to agree to anything?’
‘We conversed at length this afternoon,’ the Headmaster said smoothly. ‘There are more ways to communicate than via speech, you know, Dr Bevan. He wrote down his comments and answers to my points. It wasn’t easy, but we managed. And it’s agreed that this matter should remain within the school. He is not prepared to seek any police investigation, or make any charges, and the hospital sees no reason to notify them of the accident, so there it remains. A dreadful accident. Better care has to be taken of the laboratory keys in future —’
He was careful not to look at Sam, but he reacted anyway, and shook his head firmly. ‘Oh, no, Headmaster. I’m not having that,’ he said. ‘I lock my laboratory very carefully when there are any items that might be a risk of any sort, and dangerous substances are in a locked cupboard anyway. The lab keys are kept by Edwards in his cubbyhole, and when he isn’t there, then the cubbyhole’s locked. If someone got past that, it’s unfortunate, but what more could we have done? We’re running a school here, not Fort Knox, and anyway, the boys have to learn how to be reliable with dangerous materials. They handle acids all the time in the lab in class. If someone wanted to steal some it wouldn’t be impossible. We’re supposed to have intelligent people here, and intelligent people are good at subterfuge. I accept no blame for this mishap and I won’t consider it as attaching to any one of the biology staff.’
‘Well, point taken, point taken.’ The Headmaster sounded conciliatory now. ‘As you say, we can’t legislate for all the possible villainies of growing boys. And girls of course.’ He looked at Hattie and smiled thinly. ‘It’s hardly just to blame only the boys when we have some girls here.’
‘I hardly think any of them would be likely to steal acid for such a purpose,’ Hattie snapped, and then caugh
t Sam’s eye and subsided. What was the point of getting angry with the man? He was as smooth as a granite wall; anything she threw at him would be deflected back at herself and harm him not at all.
‘One more thing,’ the Headmaster said and now his voice was creamy with self-satisfaction. ‘I will be moving through the school next week with some rather important guests. I have, I may tell you, made excellent progress with the Potemkin Trust —’
‘Potemkin?’ Sam said. ‘I thought they were a right-wing lot.’
‘The politics of the Trust are not of significance,’ the Headmaster said, his voice richer than ever. ‘All we here at the Foundation need concern ourselves with is their interest in education. And they’re prepared to put a great deal of money into our school. I can assure you our financial problems could be largely solved. So, be aware, will you, that we have observers in our midst next week. That’s all I ask.’
‘But how can their politics be ignored?’ Sam sounded unusually combative. ‘Won’t they attach strings to any grant they make?’
‘That is not an issue,’ the Headmaster said, and then shook his head, looking reproachful. ‘I’m surprised at your lukewarm reaction to this excellent news. I’ve worked extremely hard to bring this injection of much-needed cash into the school. You should all be delighted.’
‘I am,’ Wilton said loudly.
The Headmaster smiled at him briefly, and then, pointedly ignoring Sam, said, ‘Well, then, that’s the end of the meeting. Does anyone know where Mr Dinant is?’
‘He — he had a toothache,’ Hattie said. ‘I told him he ought to see his dentist at once. That’s why he isn’t here. It’s my fault, not his.’ She reddened as she felt rather than saw Wilton’s sardonic stare and then got even hotter as the Headmaster lifted his brows at her.
‘Indeed? Well, Mrs Clements, I must say I think you were
being somewhat high-handed. This was an important meeting and you had no right to —’
‘Sorry, Headmaster,’ she said loudly and got to her feet. ‘I intended well.’
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