‘What’s wrong with me?’
‘Nothing.’
‘But Lizzie? You should have heard her. What if I’ve lost her?’
‘How could you? She’s your daughter. You love her and she loves you. She’s a great kid and that’s because of you, because of the way you brought her up, the things you taught her and the person you are.’
He put his hand on hers. ‘We’ve all said a lot of things to each other today, but it seems to me like we’ve taken some sort of step forward. Don’t you think?’
She looked up at him and nodded.
‘I’ll go up and have a chat with her. Maybe we should have a late Chinese?’ He smiled.
‘That would be nice.’
He left Kate at the table and went upstairs to Lizzie’s room. The door was closed. He called her name and gave a brief knock. There was no answer. He knocked again.
Still nothing.
‘Lizzie,’ he said. ‘Can we talk? Mum and you need to patch things up. It’s silly you both being upset.’ He waited for her reply. ‘Lizzie?’
He knocked again.
Nothing.
He opened the door and peeked in. It was quiet. The curtains were open and the dusky summer evening light bathed the room a cloudy blue. She was in bed.
He sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on her. ‘Come on, poppet. Don’t be—’
His heart stopped.
He pulled the duvet back, horror filling his every cell. Pillows. Two of them in a line down the centre of the bed, then covered up, plumped in the right places, designed to look like someone sleeping. Designed to fool an adult. To give someone the chance to sneak out of the house.
‘Kate!’ he yelled.
She was upstairs in a matter of seconds.
‘Christ, no! Lizzie!’ she screamed.
They ran downstairs. Jon was sweating, fingers shaking, head turning over and over. All he could think of was the school roof. But that was totally illogical. That was Anna. Not Lizzie.
‘Call her mobile,’ Kate said, from behind him. Her face was set and her arms crossed. Jon grabbed his phone and dialled her number. It went straight to voicemail.
‘It’s switched off.’
‘You’ll have to call the Howes. She’s with him. That’s where she is.’
Jon nodded. ‘Number?’ he asked, his finger poised above the keypad. She ran to grab her address book from the kitchen.
‘No answer,’ he said, soon after dialling. He listened to the unanswered ring, imagining it sounding in the Howes’ living room, the lights off and the dark settling in as the ghost of Stephen Howe made itself comfortable in the armchair. ‘Grab your coat and the car keys. We’ll look for her.’
‘Do we call the police?’
He thought for a moment or two. ‘Not yet. It’s not even nine thirty and she’s been gone, what, a couple of hours?’
Kate thought and then nodded.
‘They won’t do anything yet. Let’s at least have a look before we call them.’ Jon rubbed Kate’s shoulder. She looked up at him; her face was pale and scared. ‘She’ll be OK, Kate.’
They drove around, Jon driving at a snail’s pace, both of them craning their necks through the half-light up and down the streets, desperate for a glimpse of her. They checked the playground, the park, they knocked on the door of Rachel and Rebecca’s house, but there was nobody home. Jon looked in every pub they passed. Kate stayed in the car when Jon tried the Howes’ front door. He waited but there was no answer; the house was dark and lifeless. He walked slowly back to the car and climbed into the driver’s seat. They sat in silence. He knew they were thinking the same thing. He knew they were both thinking about the school. It was Kate who spoke first.
‘I don’t think I would survive if—’
‘Don’t say it,’ Jon interrupted. ‘Don’t even think it. Lizzie wouldn’t do anything like that. Why would she?’
‘We fought horribly.’
‘It was an argument. She’s growing up; horrible arguments are a part of that. She wouldn’t do it, Kate.’
‘What if he took her up there to drink? What if it’s happened again? What if she’s gone up on that roof with Haydn and—’ She began to shake violently. ‘Shit, Jon. Shit! What if she’s fallen? What if we go there and find her—’
‘She hasn’t fallen!’ Jon shouted.
‘I don’t want to go! I don’t want to know. If she has I don’t want to ever find out!’
‘She hasn’t fallen!’ shouted Jon again. ‘Stop it, Kate!’
He drove towards the school, shivering a cold sweat, flashbacks of the night they drove this journey to find Anna on the concrete. Her face broken, her eyes staring wide with blood in their corners like black tears. The bedlam that met them. Blue lights in the darkness. Cordons. Policemen waving them through. The crackle of walkie-talkies. The uneasy faces of those who took them to her.
The school was wrapped up in the growing darkness. No stars or moon yet, just thick cloud. They parked outside the gates and sat in silence.
Jon swallowed. ‘She’s not here,’ he breathed. ‘I know she’s not here.’ Then he turned to Kate. ‘Do you want me to go alone?’
She didn’t speak, but nodded, just once.
He nodded back, closed his eyes, then nodded again in the hope it would give him some strength. He opened the car door and climbed out, and then stood for a moment or two, listening. He began to walk. His footsteps echoed around the deserted car park.
‘Wait!’ called Kate from behind him. He stopped and turned. She was running towards him. ‘I’m coming with you. I need to be with you.’
They walked all around the school in silence. The only sounds were their footsteps and the traffic from the street behind the school. They tried any door they came across, but they were all locked. There was no sign of her. Every now and then they stopped and held their breath and listened for her. When they’d walked the perimeter of the building, they had no choice left but to check the playground. Jon could hear Kate muttering over and over under her breath, and wondered if she was praying. They rounded the corner and Kate gripped his hand so hard it hurt.
There was nothing in the playground.
Nothing on the ground beneath the gym block.
‘Thank God,’ Kate breathed. ‘Thank fucking God.’
‘Lizzie!’ Jon shouted then. The strength of his voice over the silence was shocking. Kate squeezed his hand again and pulled herself closer to him.
He called again.
They waited for a response. Jon thought he could hear her.
‘Lizzie!’ he shouted. ‘If you’re here, please answer!’
Kate turned herself into Jon’s arms and he wrapped his around her. ‘Let’s get out of here,’ she whispered.
They turned to walk back to the car. Jon knew Kate was thinking about the night they found Anna, just as he was. This place wasn’t Hula Hoops. This place, the darkened playground with the looming mass of the gymnasium, was the real thing. It was steeped in Anna, and her memory hung around it, sewed on like Peter Pan’s shadow.
They climbed into the car, shut the doors and put their seat belts on.
‘Now where?’ Kate asked.
‘Maybe we should check with my parents?’ He prepared himself for Kate’s incredulous surprise, but it was he who was surprised.
‘Yes,’ Kate said. ‘She might well have gone there.’
They pulled up outside his parents’ home. ‘You stay here,’ he said. ‘I’ll be a minute or two.’
‘Hello, Jonathan, what are you doing here at this time?’ His mother sounded weary. ‘Are you here for Daniel? Because he went out for dinner. A girl, of course.’
Jon’s flash of hope that Lizzie was sitting having a cup of tea with her grandmother, safe and sound and ready to come home with them, fizzled away and left him cold.
‘No, I’m not here to see Dan,’ he said. ‘It’s Lizzie. We don’t know where she is.’
‘What do you mean, you don’t kno
w where she is?’
‘I think she might be with her boyfriend.’
‘I didn’t know she had a boyfriend.’
‘Nor did we, not really. She and Kate had a row about it. Kate told her she couldn’t see him. We think she’s snuck out to meet him.’
‘Why did Kate—’
‘Not now, Mother. All we care about is making sure we find Lizzie safe.’
‘Will you come inside? It’s vulgar to talk on the doorstep like this. People will think you’re one of those grubby men pushing tea towels.’
‘I don’t care what people think.’
‘I do.’
‘Look, I think we should keep looking for her. Will you call me if she turns up?’
‘Of course,’ she said.
Jon leant forward and kissed her. ‘Are you OK?’ he said, as he turned to go.
‘I’m fine.’
‘And Dad?’
‘Yes, yes, he’s fine. We’re both fine. Now go, and please would you telephone when you find her? I won’t be able to sleep until I know she’s home.’
Jon nodded and ran back to the car.
He had only just turned out of their road when his phone rang. He glanced at his phone, desperate to see Lizzie’s number on the tiny screen. It was his mother.
‘I’m at the kitchen sink, darling, and I think I can see a light in the shed. Yes. Yes, there’s definitely a light up there.’
Jon’s heart jumped. He began to turn the car, holding the phone between his chin and shoulder. Kate pulled on his sleeve, mouthing urgent words at him. Jon waved at her to be quiet. ‘Do you think Dad would have turned the light on?’
‘He hasn’t been out of bed today,’ she said. ‘I can’t think who else would be up there.’
The Final Forbid
Lizzie and Haydn lay in each other’s arms on the floor of the shed. Haydn held her tightly, her head on his chest, cheek resting on his hairless skin, and her stare held by one of the candles they’d relit. The flame danced a random dance. She was trying to spot a pattern, a repeat, but each duck and twirl was unique from the last, and she realized that even if the candle burnt for eternity, it would never duplicate its dance. This beautiful dance was only for her, the candle celebrating this love she’d found, her first, mighty in its perfection. It felt to Lizzie that the shed was the only place in the entire world, the entire universe, where she was allowed to be happy.
‘I won’t let her stop me seeing you,’ she said, and turned her head to kiss him. ‘I don’t know what I’d do if that happened.’
‘We could run away.’
Lizzie sat up on one elbow. ‘Really? You’d do that?’
‘Of course.’ Haydn traced a finger down the side of her cheek, down her neck and over her shoulder.
‘Where would we go?’
‘I’ve got family in Leeds. And there’s some mates in Manchester. We could go there for a bit. They’d be cool. We could get jobs.’
Lizzie was quiet. The thought was tempting: packing a bag, running away – it sounded so romantic. But then there was school, her GCSEs, A-levels, her plans to go to university. She was considering reading Economics or maybe Engineering. And she’d miss her parents.
‘I’m going to talk to them,’ she said. ‘You should come too. So they see how lovely you are.’
He kissed her shoulder, softly, suggestive in its lingering. She wrapped her arms around him.
Then there were noises outside, footsteps and low voices, coming closer, coming towards the shed.
‘Blinking hell!’ she whispered, grabbing her sweater.
She jumped on to her knees and blew out three of the candles. The one she’d been staring at refused to go out. It flickered backwards then defiantly jumped back to resume its endless dance. Lizzie left it and threw Haydn his trousers, and the two of them struggled into as many clothes as possible as the footsteps and the voices of her parents drew closer.
‘Lizzie?’ her dad called.
Lizzie looked at Haydn and put a finger up to her lips. He nodded slowly. She held her breath, hoping against hope that her dad wouldn’t come in, knowing without doubt that he would. Sure enough, the door opened. Lizzie froze. Her heart thumped against her ribcage and sweat covered her half-dressed body.
Her dad and mum stood in the doorway, their faces lit by the dim orange light from the last candle. The darkness behind them was so black it looked painted.
‘Thank God,’ her mum said when she saw her. ‘Thank fucking God.’ Then she burst into tears and disappeared from the doorway, and Lizzie heard her crying grow to distraught sobbing. As she stared at her dad, feeling self-conscious in front of him, trying to pull her sweater down to cover herself more, she felt irritation towards her mum swell. Lizzie wasn’t going to let her mum’s pathetic histrionics get under her skin. She was allowed to see Haydn. It was her right to see whoever she wanted.
Her dad was shaking. ‘Get dressed and get out here now,’ he said.
Lizzie was annoyed to hear anger in his voice.
‘No,’ she said, and folded herself into Haydn’s shoulder. He put an arm around her. She could hear his heart beating.
‘Lizzie, we’ve been desperate with worry. Do you have any idea—’ Lizzie’s stomach turned over when her dad’s voice broke with emotion, and was unable to finish his sentence.
‘It’s her fault!’ Lizzie blurted. ‘She thinks she can bully me into not seeing Haydn. And she’s wrong. I love him and I’m not going to stop seeing him!’
Her dad turned his gaze on Haydn and Lizzie saw disgust. He looked at Haydn as if he were shit. Then he looked back at her. ‘Yes, you are. From now on you are forbidden to see him.’
‘Oh my God, what the hell is wrong with you both!’ Lizzie screamed. ‘Is this because you think he had something to do with Anna’s death? It’s bullshit! We’re going away together. To get away from you! Tell them, Haydn. Tell them about Manchester!’
Haydn was quiet. He’d retreated into himself, hunched his shoulders and dropped his head.
‘I love him!’ she shouted. ‘Why doesn’t anybody care about that?’ Lizzie threw her arms around Haydn, who felt rigid, his muscles tense, his breathing shallow. The next thing she felt was her dad, who grabbed her by the arms and began to pull her backwards out of the shed. Lizzie began to scream. She clung to Haydn as if he were her only hope for survival.
‘No!’ she shrieked. ‘Don’t! I want to stay with him! We’re going to be together. We’re going away. Haydn!’
Her dad began to uncurl her fingers from him.
‘Haydn!’ screamed Lizzie again, then she burst into tears. ‘Don’t let them take me away from you!’ She tried to beat her father off her, hitting his arms and face with one hand while she grasped Haydn with the other. Then her mum appeared, and took hold of her free arm, while her dad concentrated on releasing her hold on Haydn.
‘Don’t let them do this,’ Lizzie pleaded with Haydn. She stared deep into his eyes. ‘I love you. We’ll go to Manchester.’ She began to sob. ‘I don’t care about school or anything. All I want is you.’
At last her parents succeeded in separating them. Her dad linked his arms around her waist and began to pull her backwards out of the shed while she continued to scream and kick.
‘Drive the car round to this back gate,’ he said to her mum. ‘I don’t want my mother seeing her like this.’
Lizzie kicked at her dad, and called out to Haydn again and again. Her dad held her firmly, his arms crossed over her body like a straitjacket.
‘Haydn,’ he called into the shed. ‘I want you to go home. You are not allowed to see my daughter again. If you need to know why, you can ask your mother.’
‘Don’t do this, Dad! Don’t do this to us. You don’t understand. Please. I’m begging you. With all my heart. Dad, please! Why don’t you get it? Why don’t you? We love each other!’
Her dad ignored her. ‘I’m going to call the police if you don’t leave this house. Do you understand, Haydn?’
Haydn appeared at the doorway and looked briefly at her dad, avoiding her eyes.
‘Don’t call the police,’ he muttered. ‘I’m going.’
And then without even looking at her, he scuttled off into the shadows.
‘No, Haydn!’ she screamed.
Lizzie stared into the darkness and imagined her heart had liquefied.
She turned her head and glared at her dad, hating him more right then than she had thought possible. ‘How could you!’ she spat. ‘You’re just like her! I love him. He had nothing to do with what happened to Anna! I don’t understand you. I’ve never been this happy and all you want to do is ruin it! You want to lock me up in that miserable, death-soaked house. I hate you! I hate you both.’
‘You’re right, you don’t understand, you can’t, but you cannot be involved with that family, Lizzie, and that’s all there is to say.’
The car pulled up at the back gate, and she went with her dad as he led her along the overgrown path. She wasn’t going to fight him any more. If she ran after Haydn they’d only come after her, and this would happen all over again, but in front of Mrs Howe, which would be even more hideous on all sorts of levels.
Her mum got out of the driver’s seat and opened the back door, then climbed into the back seat and shuffled over to the far side. Then her dad put a hand on the top of Lizzie’s head and bent her into the car as if she were a criminal. All she needed was handcuffs to complete the scene.
‘I’ll just go and tell Mother we’re taking her home,’ her dad said to her mum across her. ‘I’ll be a few minutes. Will you be OK?’
Her mum nodded in a weary, broken way that made Lizzie want to scream.
Lizzie sat on the seat, staring straight ahead of her, not bothered by her naked lower half that was peppered with goose bumps. Her dad closed the door and then turned the key in the driver’s door and locked them in.
‘We were so worried about you,’ her mum said.
‘Shut up,’ Lizzie whispered. ‘I fucking hate you. You’re a fucking bitch and I fucking hate you.’
‘Lizzie, you don’t mean that. You don’t—’
‘Yes, I do! The only thing in this shit world that gives me pleasure is Haydn. You have no idea. You’ve never been in love like this. If you had then you’d understand, and you would never do this to us.’
Sworn Secret Page 27