‘Kate,’ said Jon. ‘You need to keep calm; you’re flustering her, and we need to hear what she has to say.’ He turned back to Rebecca. ‘It’s OK, Rebecca, nobody here is angry with you in any way, but I need to get this straight. Anna wanted proof of the relationship to blackmail Stephen Howe into leaving his wife.’
Rebecca thought for a moment or two before nodding her head. ‘Waiting for them was horrible. She was ages. Way more than an hour, and it was really uncomfortable. There were sticks scratching me and insects everywhere, and all I could do was think about what she had told me to do. It made me sick. I was actually sick into my mouth. I nearly left then, but just as I was trying to get out of the bushes without getting even more scratched, I heard them. So I kept quiet while they went into the shed.’
Kate glanced at Lizzie and saw her horror. ‘Lizzie,’ she said. ‘Would you like to leave? We could leave Dad to talk to Rebecca and I’ll come and keep you company upstairs.’
Lizzie pursed her lips and shook her head.
‘Go on, Rebecca,’ said Jon.
‘Well, I did what she told me. I watched them through the crack in the window until they started, you know, doing it, and when they did, I pressed record and stuck my phone through the gap. I looked through the window and tried to make sure that the phone was pointing in the right place. Anna said she would move about so that the film would get them in different positions and that’s what she did, because I saw her looking at the phone and then making him change what he was doing.’
Rebecca’s nerves seemed to have lessened and she now spoke freely and methodically, recalling each piece of information without cadence, as if badly reciting a poem.
‘I thought he’d see me, and while I was holding the phone I couldn’t stop shaking, because I suddenly thought about what would happen if he did. Dr Howe doesn’t like me at all – I’m always in trouble – and I thought filming him like that with Anna would really make him hate me, and I’d definitely get excluded from school, and all I could think about was how I’d tell my dad,’ she looked at Rachel, ‘because he gets really cross about me getting into trouble at school.’ She looked back at her hands. ‘Anyway, I had to make sure I didn’t shake too much and jiggle the phone. I was sure afterwards I hadn’t done it right, and I’d recorded the wrong place, like the wall or something, but when we looked at it, it was fine. She was really happy.’
Rebecca was quiet for a while. Everyone else was silent too; Kate couldn’t even hear breathing.
Rebecca took a sudden long, deep breath in. ‘Then we set up an email account and wrote an email with the film attached that said if he didn’t leave his wife then she would post it on the internet.’
‘On the internet?’ asked Jon.
‘YouTube,’ said Rebecca. ‘Even though I told her YouTube wouldn’t let it on because they don’t allow full-on sex. But she said it didn’t matter because he’d leave his wife anyway just at the thought, and if he didn’t, and YouTube wouldn’t take it, then there was always RedTube, which does porn and stuff, or we could fix a viral email, which would be worse anyway because it would go global in a day.’
Though Kate didn’t really know what Rebecca was talking about, and from the look on Jon’s face he didn’t either, she got the general gist and her stomach turned over.
‘Anna thought it was funny. She was laughing when we attached the film, so much she was crying. She was like, “Oh my God, he is going to totally flip when he sees this.” She was sure he’d leave Mrs Howe, and then I asked her if she really did love him, and she sort of went quiet and then nodded and smiled and said, “Yes, I really, really, do.” And she was laughing and saying, “Oh my God, I love him!” And then she was about to send the email and I said “Are you sure”, and she sort of raised her eyebrows and giggled and then pressed send.’ Rebecca paused. ‘The look on her face was like, “Shit, what have we done”, and then she just started laughing like she was never going to stop, and it was really weird because I felt sick and really scared but I started laughing too, but maybe that was because I was so nervous and stuff.’
Rebecca was picking at her tights. She’d made a small hole in them, which she hooked her finger through, then pulled and pulled to make the hole bigger until most of her knee began to show through. Rachel reached over and stilled her hand.
‘She said we had to sit and wait for a reply. But I said that it was the weekend, and maybe he wouldn’t get his emails because it was his school email address. She said we should text him and tell him to look at it. Then she just grabbed my phone which was right by the computer, and, well, she texted him.’
Rebecca took a shattered breath.
‘How did she know his number?’ Lizzie’s voice was flat and controlled.
Rebecca looked at her and shrugged. ‘She just did. She knew it off by heart. Anyway, my phone rang about ten minutes later. It wasn’t a mobile number, it was a landline, a number I didn’t recognize, but I answered it anyway, you know, without really thinking, and it was Mrs Howe. She didn’t ask for Anna, she just started shouting at me. She said I was a bitch and she swore and said she would kill me when she got her hands on me. She actually said that. That she would kill me. I tried to say I wasn’t Anna, but I couldn’t get any words in because she was screaming so much. I looked at Anna and she was trying to ask me who it was and then she just snatched the phone from me and she started shouting back. She told Mrs Howe that she was a cow and that Dr Howe was going to leave her because he said she was no good at sex,’ she paused and shook her head, ‘well, loads of other stuff like that.’
Kate wished Lizzie wasn’t there. She wished she didn’t have to hear about Anna this way. She wished she could remember her, untarnished; she wished that for all of them.
‘When she put the phone down I was really scared. I told her we shouldn’t have done the film and that it was a stupid idea, but she said I had to realize this was real life and this sort of thing happened all the time. She said she wasn’t scared, and she meant it. Nothing scared her. Ever.’ The admiration in Rebecca’s voice rang clear as a bell.
Kate closed her eyes. Nothing ever used to scare her, either. Not when she was young. Not until she realized how much there was to be scared of.
‘What happened then, Rebecca?’ coaxed Jon.
‘Dr Howe called Anna’s phone.’
She stopped speaking and pulled more at the hole in her tights. Rachel took hold of her hand.
‘He basically told her it was over.’
‘What did Anna say?’
‘Oh my God! Crazy things. And all this mad swearing and shouting and stuff. It was the headmaster! And when she put the phone down she was like, “Yeah, well, we’ll see about that.” She said he was lying, there was no way he could love Mrs Howe more than her and that she’d show him that, make him realize what he wanted. She said she knew he loved her. So anyway, then Mum comes up and asks if we’re coming down for supper.’ Rebecca looked at Rachel and a weak smile flashed across her face. Rachel stroked her hand against Rebecca’s and smiled back.
‘Keep going. You’re doing fine,’ she said.
‘Anna told Mum she wasn’t feeling well. Mum asked if she wanted to go home, but she said she probably just needed a lie-down. Then Mum went downstairs.’ Rebecca coughed and shifted position on the sofa. ‘Anna started saying the best way to get Dr Howe back was to make him jealous. She said that he was always going on about how jealous he was when he saw her with other boys. Most of all with Haydn. That’s why she used to hang out with Haydn, because Dr Howe would get annoyed and stuff and then be major desperate to, well, you know.’
Kate glanced at Lizzie, who was staring at her knotting fingers.
‘She said she loved doing it with him afterwards.’ Rebecca looked up at Rachel briefly, but Rachel didn’t make eye contact. ‘So she rang Haydn and told him to meet her. She laughed and said it was like asking a kid if he wanted chocolate. He jumped at it. She said she would call Dr Howe later and tell him she did
n’t love him any more and had decided to start with Haydn, and that would make him come begging on his knees. Then I went for supper and she stayed in bed. When I came up she was all dressed and ready. She told me to put pillows under my bed and we’d sneak out. She told me it would be fun, we were going up to the gym block roof to drink and she said I’d enjoy seeing Dr Howe’s face when he found her and Haydn together. She said she might even do stuff with Haydn to really wind Dr Howe up. I said I didn’t want to go. All I could hear was Mrs Howe shouting. I . . . I was scared . . . of what she’d said to me. I asked her again and again not to go. I even said I’d tell my mum, which made her sulky with me. She said if I told anyone she’d hate me for ever. So I promised I wouldn’t. “Swear it, Bec,” she said, “swear you won’t tell.” So I swore. Then she asked me again if I’d go too. She said it would be much better with me there. But I said I didn’t want to. I felt really guilty; I knew she thought I was being a rubbish friend.’ Rebecca’s voice cracked.
Hearing Rebecca talk was difficult. Watching her struggle, fidgeting, her foot tapping fretfully against the base of the sofa, the obvious pain she was feeling as she remembered the conversations she had with Anna that night. Through Rebecca’s recollection Kate saw an Anna she didn’t recognize, playing a game she should never have played, and she wondered with every syllable what she could have done as a mother to stop it.
‘I got into bed and read and Mum came in to check on Anna. Anna pretended she was asleep. Then Mum went downstairs and turned the telly on and a bit after that Anna got up. I didn’t say anything, and she didn’t either. Then she opened the door and went out.’ Rebecca looked up at Kate, and then at her mother. ‘I should have stopped her, shouldn’t I?’ Tears began to stream down her cheeks. ‘If I’d stopped her then she’d still be here.’ She looked up at the ceiling and put the flats of her hands against her face.
Kate winced at the desolation in Rebecca’s voice. She stood up and walked over to her. She rested her hand against the side of Rebecca’s hot, tear-wet cheek. Rebecca lowered her hands and stared at Kate, who leant forward and kissed Rebecca’s forehead. When Rachel took Kate’s hand and squeezed it, she had to fight hard to keep her own tears back.
‘I’m sorry I told you about them,’ Rebecca whispered. ‘Mrs Howe said I was a selfish little girl who only thought of myself and didn’t think about your and Jon’s feelings.’
‘She said what?’ said Rachel.
Kate stepped back in shock and sat down on the edge of the coffee table. ‘When did she say that?’ she asked.
‘She asked me to come into her office. It was after the memorial. I didn’t want to go, but I had to because she’s the deputy head. She closed the door and then she told me I was meddling with things I didn’t understand. “If you mention this disgusting business to anyone, or if I see you talking to Mr or Mrs Thorne, I’ll make your life a misery.” And then she asked me if I had any more copies of the film. I said I didn’t, even though I had it on my phone and you can easily get it off the email account we used.’ And now Rebecca burst into tears and drew her arms around her body, and looked to Kate as terrified as she had been the day they talked outside the school. ‘Then she said if I knew what was good for me I’d keep my mouth shut.’
‘She threatened you?’ gasped Rachel. ‘But she can’t do that. Oh, sweetheart, come here.’ And Rachel folded her into a strangling hug, stroking her hair and rocking her gently. ‘It’s all right, Bec. It’s OK.’
Kate rubbed Rebecca’s knee. ‘She’s wrong, sweetheart, you did the right thing to tell us.’
Kate glanced across at Lizzie. She was sitting ramrod straight with her head set and eyes fixed ahead. Her hands lay flat on her knees, which were pressed together. She looked so grown up. Kate saw a lot of Jon’s mother in her. It wasn’t a likeness she’d noticed before, but it was there: beneath the freckles, the flyaway hair and the pale slightness, was her grandmother’s resolute stare, the stoic quietude and the tumble of thoughts hidden behind a steely mask.
The Wasp Apothecary
Lizzie sat on her bed and stared out of the window at the glorious weather. It was a spectacular afternoon. The sun was making fun of her.
‘Bloody sun,’ she muttered, and stood up to pull the curtains together, poking her tongue out at it before shutting it out.
Her mum knocked on the door and then came in with tea and toast. They didn’t speak. They didn’t even look at each other. She waited until she’d left, then picked up a triangle of buttery toast. She went to take a bite, but she didn’t really feel like it so threw it back on to the plate untouched. She slumped backwards on her bed. A few moments later she leant forward and grabbed her phone. She stared at it. After a hesitation, she turned it on. There were thirteen missed calls and seven texts from Haydn. She threw the phone down on the bed and leant against the wall. Then she groaned and gently banged her head twice, and then in one swift movement, before she had time to rethink, she pulled up an empty text window, typed and pressed send.
Did you know about anna and your dad???
She stared at the phone, but instead of the bleep of the text she expected, it rang.
‘Yes,’ was all he said.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘How could I?’
Lizzie bit her lip.
‘What would I say?’ he said. ‘If you knew what he—’
‘How did you find out?’
‘Why do you need to know?’
‘I just do, OK!’
‘Look, I heard my parents fighting, heard what they were saying. It made me sick what he did. You asked why I hated him so much, well, now you know.’
‘Did you say anything to Anna?’
He didn’t reply.
‘Rebecca was here. She told us things.’ Lizzie paused. ‘Anna wanted your dad to leave your mum and be with her. Did you know that?’
Just silence.
‘Haydn? Did you hear me?’
‘No, of course I didn’t know. How would I? I only knew about them because I heard them arguing. I just told you that.’
‘I still don’t know why you didn’t tell me. This is so major.’
Just silence.
‘Haydn!’
‘I was scared, all right!’
‘Scared of what, for God’s sake?’
‘Of . . . of . . . I don’t know of what. Of what you’d say. Of you hating me.’
Lizzie shut her eyes and began to chew on her bottom lip.
‘I love you, Lizzie. So much my heart feels like it’s exploding.’
He waited for her to say something, but she didn’t.
‘I was scared you’d leave me.’
‘Well, you know what?’ she said. ‘Sometimes you just have to face up to what scares you. Knowing you kept this from me . . .’ She hesitated. ‘I don’t know. I just need to work it all out.’
Then Lizzie hung up and turned her phone off so he couldn’t call her back. It was as if there were an enormous heap of poisonous bricks in her stomach. She loved him so desperately, but she totally understood why her parents couldn’t stand the thought of them together. If she was brutally honest, she wasn’t sure she could stand the thought either. She put her head in her hands and tried to think. She pictured him carefully: hair over his face, slightly lopsided grin, beautiful blue eyes locked on to hers in those moments before he kissed her, the way his skin felt, his smell, the way he put his lips to the tip of her nose as light as a tiny butterfly. How was it fair for him to be held responsible for his father’s actions? Was it his fault his mother hated Anna so much? Of course not! How could it be? It was like her mum said: he was the child, just like Anna, vulnerable and unable to manipulate events in the adult world. She saw his face smiling as he showed her his candlelit fairy. She couldn’t love anybody more, and she needed him. Her body began to ache. None of it was his fault!
She tried to think back. Imagined him telling her about Anna. At the memorial. Then in the cemetery. In the street when
he freaked out. In the shed before they made love. What would she have said? What would she have done?
It was then that she heard the buzzing.
She opened her eyes and sat up. It was a wasp, buzzing and tapping as it bashed itself against the window. She felt herself go cold and a sweat grew on the back of her neck. She reached for her bag on the desk and clutched it to her, easing herself off the bed. With her eyes fixed on the wasp she slowly and carefully reached for the window catch. She held her breath, unlocked the window, slid the bottom half of the sash window upwards. Then she sat back on the bed and waited for it to find its way out of her room. But the stupid thing couldn’t work it out. It crawled around on the pane, and every now and then it would drop in the air and fall down the window, but not far enough to find its route out. Lizzie watched as it fought desperately to escape, hurling itself against the glass, confused and cross. She wished Haydn was with her; he’d get rid of it. She remembered the way he’d slapped his hands together in the cemetery, killed that wasp without being hurt, how brave he was, how safe she felt whenever he was around, how little she thought about bees and wasps and hornets.
How can you be so critical of Haydn’s fears, she thought, if you’re so vulnerable to your own?
And it was a lot of things that scared her, not just bees. She was scared of noises in the house, upsetting her parents, missing hockey, Dalston station, Mrs Howe in the dark, the spot on the mantelpiece where Anna’s urn had stood. She was scared of bloody everything, and what good did it do her?
Lizzie stood up and put her bag on the bed. Then she took a step towards the window. All she had to do was bang the wasp quickly. Haydn hadn’t been stung. He’d just clapped his hands and killed the wasp. It was easy.
This is your chance, she thought. If you do this you don’t need to be scared of anything again.
‘Be brave,’ she whispered. ‘Be really brave.’
She took three deep breaths and reached her hand out towards the wasp. Sweat rose up her neck and across her forehead, and she began to feel faint as her head swam. She thought of Haydn, lifted her hand, shut her eyes and slammed her hand on to the window, squashing the wasp against the glass.
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