“How can you be so sure when you don’t feel the same quality existed in your own mother?” he asked softly.
Simone looked down at her hands. “I’m only coming to realize just how little I know about the world around me. My mother tried to educate me, but she was a very young woman herself. Still, she knew something of the world and the things that a young person might need to understand in order to get along. However, she left me when I was ten and in her departure failed to leave me with all the elements necessary to take me to adulthood. I could speak and read and write in English and French. I knew how to better conduct myself and my tongue than most folks on the mountain only because my mother had been born a lady. But there was so much more that I didn’t know.”
“Such as?” Jeffery dared to ask. He could only pray she’d continue to tell him about herself.
“Such as what the rest of the world did while I was asleep at night, or how things were done in other areas of the country. She never bothered to tell me much about anything that wasn’t related to our mountain home. Of course, she taught me to speak politely, conduct myself in a proper manner. She came from good breeding, she would tell me, though she scarcely said anything else about her youth or parents. I remember she used to set the table in a very pretty way and then told me how to conduct myself when at a formal dinner. I don’t know why she thought I needed that kind of information when she never bothered to teach me how to …” Suddenly Simone seemed to realize that she was saying too much.
“How to what?” Jeffery asked casually, hoping against hope that she’d relax and continue. But it wasn’t to be.
“Never mind. Regardless of her efforts, I still feel quite the illmannered oaf when standing next to some of the girls. They have such different backgrounds and know so much more of the world. A world that goes beyond conducting yourself properly at a dinner party.”
“Well, sometime I’ll have to take you out to a nice dinner and you can prove to me how good you are with those skills you’ve learned.”
“No,” Simone replied. “That wouldn’t be appropriate.”
“Why not?”
She shook her head. “Because we are clearly from two different worlds. You cannot possibly understand what it is to be from my world, and I can’t understand what it is to be from yours.”
“But by exposure you would come to better understand,” Jeffery suggested.
“No.”
At this, Jeffery got up and walked to the window. He didn’t want Simone to see the look of frustration that was sure to be on his face. Why couldn’t he make her see that he wanted to know her better? That he wasn’t ashamed of her social background or her lack of financial status? Deciding it would be his only chance to reach her, Jeffery thought to try honesty.
“I could teach you all that you lack,” he said, turning to watch her from across the room.
She stiffened slightly and fixed her stare on the lights overhead. “I think you should listen to your mother, Mr. O’Donnell.”
“Jeffery,” he stated flatly and came back to where she sat. “Call me Jeffery, and don’t think to put that wall of formality between us. I want to know you better, Simone. I want you to know me.”
“It will serve no purpose,” she said sternly. Swinging her legs off the sofa and onto the floor, she made as if to stand, but Jeffery immediately held up a hand to stop her.
“Wait. Just hear me out.” She looked at him doubtfully, then nodded. Jeffery felt a small amount of relief at this reprieve and searched his heart for what he should say. He wanted to ask about the scars on her back. He wanted to know what she was running from and why she couldn’t or wouldn’t tell him anything but the smallest detail of her life’s story. He wanted this and so much more, and he felt so overwhelmingly confused by his need that he feared words would fail him.
“I don’t want to live my life under my mother’s thumb. I want to be my own man. I’ve refused to take up my father’s work in investments and instead have chosen my own way. I love the railroad and fully plan to work my way into a job with a more substantial role with the Santa Fe line. I hate Chicago, dislike pomp and ceremony, and find you incredibly intriguing. I see the possibility for us to share a companionable friendship.”
“Friendship?” Simone questioned simply.
Jeffery frowned, wondering if he should have made a stronger declaration. Neither of them knew each other very well, but he could easily find courtship an acceptable proposition. Courtship would allow him to know whether or not he and Simone would be compatible enough to make a marriage.
Marriage? Where had that thought come from? Yet Jeffery knew very well where it had come from. He’d thought of little else but Simone Irving since he’d first met her. He’d broken one rule after another in order to keep her where he could learn more about her and get to know her better. If Fred Harvey learned the truth, he’d be fired. If his mother learned the truth, he’d be disowned.
Sitting down on the sofa beside Simone, Jeffery reached out to gently touch her hand. He felt her stiffen even more, and as she tried to pull her hand away, he tightened his hold.
“Just listen to me, please. I’ve come to care about you, Simone. I like your company and I enjoy our conversations. You are so totally different from any other woman I’ve ever known. You are strong and determined and not afraid to let those qualities show. If you would just allow yourself to forget the past, I know we could have a very bright future together. There’s nothing to stand in the way except your own reluctance. Please don’t turn me away simply based on your lack of experience and knowledge of such matters.”
Simone quickly jerked her hand from his and got to her feet. Jeffery stood just as quickly, but it was Simone’s turn to hold up her hand. “No. Don’t touch me again and don’t try to stop me. I can’t stay here any longer. I need to rest.”
Jeffery wanted to say something—anything—to ensure that she would remain with him, but instead he watched her go, realizing that there was nothing he could do to offer her comfort or hope. Something had caused Simone to shield her heart from emotion, and from the looks of it, she’d felt this way for a long, long time.
“What do I do now?” he asked aloud. The plan had seemed so clear in his mind. He had actually felt sure of his direction, but now …
Just then a verse from Proverbs came to mind. It had been a part of the Scriptures he’d found himself reading the night before. “A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.” According to Scripture, the Lord would direct his steps, but now that the moment was upon him, Jeffery wasn’t entirely sure how to go about seeking the peace that came from knowing and experiencing God’s direction for his steps.
He thought of the great pious prayers prayed in the cathedral of his childhood worship. He thought of his mother and father in their Sunday finery bowing in great shows of prayerful obedience. And he suddenly realized that he knew very little of the comfort of God and of the real understanding of such things. He had great hopes that his nightly studies of the Bible would lead him to a better understanding. A great deal seemed to hinge on better knowing God’s plan for his life.
Perhaps that is where I need to start, he thought. Then glancing at the doorway from which Simone had just taken her exit, he added, “Perhaps that’s where we both need to start.”
TWENTY
SIMONE GUARDED HER HEART much the same way she guarded her memories. If she encased them both in granite, they could neither physically remind her of her needs nor visually remind her of her deeds. Her time at the Harvey House had caused her to become nonchalant about her hidden past, and when Jeffery O’Donnell declared his respectable interest in her, it had nearly been more than Simone could endure.
In the days that followed that declaration, Simone had avoided coming downstairs for any reason. Now that she was ready to work in the dining room once again, she couldn’t help but feel a nervous anticipation. Would he seek her out? Would he force her to talk to him—to share his
company?
She trembled just thinking of the possibility. Jeffery was unlike the other men she had known. He was thoughtful and kind, where others had been cruel and oppressive. He worried over how she felt and whether she had the things she needed, while the men of her past had cared little for feelings or needs—unless they had been their own. Securing her white hair bow and giving her appearance one final assessment, Simone drew in a deep breath and let it out in a heavy sigh.
“Are you worried about today?” Una asked sweetly.
Simone nodded. “I suppose I am.”
“You’ll do fine. Just take it easy and don’t overdo. If you feel tired, you must tell Rachel immediately and go rest.”
“I don’t want to shirk my responsibilities any longer. My illness has already made it necessary to extend my training another week.”
“Do you have plans for where you want to go when the training is up?” Una asked.
Simone shook her head. “Not really. I suppose I don’t much care.”
“I would have thought that with Mr. O’Donnell so interested in you, you might want to stay on right here in Topeka. You know they do keep some of the experienced girls on staff to help train the new arrivals.”
“No, I don’t want to stay.” It wasn’t entirely true, but for the sake of avoiding romantic entanglements, Simone felt it the only reasonable response. “Mr. O’Donnell is very nice, and I suppose he has shown me great kindness and interest, but there is nothing more than that between us.”
Una smiled. “Maybe not on your part.”
“Not on anyone’s part,” Simone murmured, knowing it was a lie. The girls walked downstairs together, and Una continued to speak. “I’m going to Florence. It’s not so very far from here, but it’s much closer to Lindsborg. My family and I can see each other more often, and I’ll like that much better.”
“When will you be going?” Simone questioned, suddenly feeling a pang of regret.
“Next week,” Una answered simply.
Simone frowned but said nothing as they stepped into the dining room. Una had been a good companion for the duration of Fred Harvey’s training, and to think of her going away made Simone sad. This is ridiculous, she told herself. This is the very reason I didn’t want to be close to anyone here. People always go away, and caring about them only causes you to hurt when they’ve left you behind.
“You will write to me, won’t you?” Una asked in her rhythmic way.
Simone met her hopeful expression and nodded. “Of course.”
“Oh, Simone!” Rachel declared as she came into sight. “You look wonderful. How do you feel? Are you up to this?”
“I’m fine. I’m glad to get back to work,” Simone answered honestly. Frankly, having so much leisure time had left Simone nervous and edgy. With so much time on her hands, the memories of the past were doing their best to rise up and remind her that she would never be truly free. It was only then that Simone realized she’d only temporarily exorcised her demons. The past never truly went away—it trailed behind like a faithful dog to his master.
“Simone!” several other girls called out.
A bevy of black-and-white-clad women gathered around. They were all so happy to see her, and for the life of her, Simone couldn’t understand why. She’d done nothing to endear herself to any of the other Harvey Girls. She had remained to herself, speaking only when spoken to and never participating in any of the camaraderies Rachel arranged for them. Once, Fred Harvey himself had shown up to lead a Friday night dance, but Simone had quietly slipped to the confines of her room and there she had stayed until morning.
“We were so worried about you,” one girl said, giving Simone an impromptu hug.
“I collapsed from the heat last year. I thought I’d never recover, but my ma nursed me back to health,” said another.
“Oh, Simone, you’ve lost weight. We’ll have to fatten you up,” Bethel teased, taking hold of her arm.
Simone wanted to distance herself, but there was no hope of that now. Neither was there hope of distancing her heart from the growing feelings she had for each of her Harvey sisters. They genuinely seemed to care about her, and standing in the middle of the revelry, Simone could only silently wonder how she might ever reestablish her walls of indifference.
Rachel managed to clear the area. “We have less than an hour before the first train of the morning. I’d suggest you get busy, ladies.”
They nodded, wished Simone well, then departed to their various stations. Rachel smiled and put an arm around Simone’s shoulders. “I’d like it if you would join me in the office for a moment. There are a couple of things we need to discuss.”
Simone felt a moment of panic. “Discuss? What things?”
Rachel was already leading her in the direction of the office. “Well, such as where you’d like to spend your contract agreement.” She opened the door and ushered Simone inside. “We have basically concluded your training, and I see no reason to keep you from moving forward with the rest of the girls. You’ve learned quickly and know the job better than many when they leave here. The sickness may have kept you from serving, but it’s only a lack of daily experience that you’ve missed while ill. And that hardly concerns me given your ability to pick things up so quickly.”
Simone breathed a sigh of relief and took a seat opposite Rachel as the older woman sat down to her desk. “I thought perhaps,” Rachel said, thumbing through some papers, “that you might like to consider the various places on the line. I know we’d already discussed your staying here in Topeka, but I don’t think you’re acclimated to working in this kind of heat yet. I’m worried about your health. There are some very nice spots and some others that are not quite so nice, but there is one opening at Raton.”
“Raton?” Simone asked, completely unfamiliar with the town.
“It’s located in the northern reaches of the New Mexico Territory. I thought of you because the area is mountainous and the climate much drier than Kansas. I’ve been there twice, and it’s a very pretty place. It still gets very warm there, but the humidity isn’t a problem. I think it might work quite well for you.”
Simone nodded. “I suppose you know better than anyone else.”
“There’s also a spot in Florence, and I’m sure you know that is the destination Una has picked for herself.”
“Yes, she just told me this morning.”
“If you’d prefer to consider Florence, there’s still time to let me know. I can let you stay on here in Topeka for a short time. Especially given your illness.”
Simone saw the concern and compassion in Rachel’s eyes and fervently wished that she could somehow remove herself from the feelings that were threatening to overflow from within. She was overwhelmed by the goodness of this woman. She had stayed up all night in order to nurse Simone and keep her from death. What more could Rachel possibly do to prove her friendship? Simone bowed her head and closed her eyes. She had to steady herself.
“Simone, are you sure you’re feeling all right?” Rachel asked softly.
Simone nodded but still kept her head bowed. “I’m fine.” She glanced back up and gave Rachel the briefest smile. “Honestly, I’ll be just fine.”
Rachel pushed back the papers she’d been toying with and leaned forward. “Simone, there’s something else I’d like to talk to you about.”
“What is it?” Simone met Rachel’s expression and instantly realized that she’d opened herself up for something much more personal than she’d planned.
“This isn’t easy for me, and I’m not usually given to prying,” Rachel began. “But there’s a concern I have for you that will not be easily dismissed.”
“I see,” Simone said in a stilted voice that she hoped would discourage Rachel’s interrogation.
“Simone, I know this isn’t easy for you. I just want to be your friend. I want you to trust me and know that I will help you in any way I can.”
“I don’t understand,” Simone said, a spark of fear
igniting her soul.
Rachel bit at her lower lip and looked upward as though seeking help from above. “I cared for you while you were ill—that’s something you already know. But perhaps you don’t realize how sick you were. You were delirious for several hours. Then, too, it was necessary for me to undress you in order to bathe you through the night.” She halted, obviously uncomfortable, perhaps even uncertain as to how she might continue.
Simone shifted uneasily. “I’m grateful for your care, Rachel.”
“I know that,” she replied. “But that’s not why I brought it up.”
Simone steeled herself against what Rachel might say next. She couldn’t figure out whether Rachel knew something about Garvey Davis and her escape or if she was concerned about something else.
“Simone, you have some very ugly scars on your back.” The statement was made so matter-of-factly that Simone could hardly hide her sharp intake of breath. Rachel continued quickly. “Look, I know you must have suffered horribly. I know from the way you fought me during your fever that someone has hurt you greatly. I just want you to know that none of that matters anymore. I want you to feel safe here—safe wherever you work on the Santa Fe line.”
Simone hadn’t even realized that she’d risen to her feet until Rachel, too, stood and came around from behind the desk. “You don’t have to be afraid that I’ll think badly of you, Simone. No one should have to endure the misery you have obviously suffered.”
“Please don’t say any more,” Simone murmured, barely able to form the words.
Rachel gently touched her arm. “I just want you to know that I’m your friend. I don’t know where you’ve come from or who you might be running from, but it doesn’t matter. God knows all that you’ve had to endure. He knows and He cares.”
“He cared so much that He interceded on my behalf,” Simone said sarcastically.
Rachel shook her head. “Simone, I don’t know why things happen as they do, but I do know that God cares about His children. He isn’t the harsh taskmaster that you make Him out to be. He’s a loving father.
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