And Mr. Matthews had found a position where it was okay for him to be a thug, as long as he got away with it. He’d found a way of blending his bullying into his surroundings.
Ben turned to face me, his thigh rubbing against mine. “I can’t change the whole world but I can take care of my corner of the world. My family, my friends. And that includes you.”
“No way,” I said. “I don’t need your help.”
His eyes glimmered with concern and compassion and other emotions I didn’t need to know about.
“Can’t you see?” he said. “You make me want to take care of you.”
“What?”
“Because you’re so vulnerable.”
I screwed up my face. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”
“It’s true. There’s so much you don’t pick up on, the little things you miss, maybe some big things too. And that’s despite your obvious intelligence. You need someone to look out for you.”
I slid away from him on the bench. “I can look after myself. You saw what I did to Moose and Bulldog today. They were the ones in trouble.”
Ben raked a hand through his sweaty hair. “This is too much. Don’t you ever want to be your own person? Don’t you ever want to do your own thing and truly let rip?”
“I already do,” I insisted. “At training, for instance, I give it everything I’ve got.”
There must be plenty of times when I ‘let rip’ as he put it. I thought about the incident that had supposedly made me a hero. I’d followed my instincts more closely than my orders, then seen an opportunity and taken it. The situation had been traumatic in many ways, yet I’d given it everything I had, and I’d succeeded. I was alive.
It made me wonder if following orders was always the right thing to do.
“Don’t you long for more freedom?” Ben spread his hands. “Don’t you wish you could just do what you want?”
“You already have immense freedom,” I said. “You can choose your subjects at school, and where you might go to college or where you might work. You choose your hobbies, where to go on the weekend and which friends you’ll go with.”
Ben frowned. “Choosing what to study isn’t freedom. You’ve got it all wrong. Sometimes I think we’re all trapped at school, just waiting to escape.”
I nodded. Suddenly, I felt trapped too, though not in the way he meant.
People here had so much freedom they didn’t know what to do with it, whereas the freedom I had here wasn’t real. It was an illusion. Because this wasn’t my time. This wasn’t my home.
And I’d let it go to my head. I didn’t have a choice on whether to eliminate Ben or not. I had a job to do.
Two guys who’d been grappling pushed open the door, walked in and whooped when they saw me.
“It’s okay.” I stood. “I’m leaving.”
I got out of there as quickly as I could.
In the hallway, Ben grabbed my shoulder. “I can’t work you out, Nicola.”
My back to the wall, I said, “There are lots of things I can’t work out.”
He pressed his hands against the masonry on either side of my head, caging me in. As if that’d work.
Guilt shot through me. I wasn’t much better than Mr. Matthews. He was a bully pretending to be a responsible member of the teaching community, and I was a soldier from the future pretending to be an innocent high school student.
For all I knew, maybe my superior officers were doing the same. I assumed they were honest, upright, loyal citizens of New Nation but maybe they were something completely different. How was I to know?
Something had niggled at me since I’d first been told about the mission by Lucien and two generals. More than niggled. They wanted to prevent the onset of the virus but that’d change the future so drastically that if I succeeded, it would lead to their demise.
How could they want an end to their own lives?
More to the point, how could I even be asking these questions when Lucien was involved. I owed him my life. I owed him everything.
“You’re smart and strong and I’ve never seen any girl fight like you,” Ben said. “Hell, I’ve never seen anyone fight like you. Yet sometimes you don’t understand the simplest things.”
“I don’t belong here,” I said.
“Sure you do.”
He tilted his head as if he might lean closer and kiss me. I felt the sultriness of the moment, the tension between us. I felt a lot of things I’d never felt back in New Nation.
How could I feel this way? Was it this new environment filled with passionate people? Had I absorbed their emotions by osmosis?
What else could account for it? The food was better here. That was another difference. And I wasn’t taking the government-issued vitamin supplements any more, not that I felt any need for them. I seemed healthy enough anyway.
None of which gave me any answers.
I ducked under Ben’s arm and left.
Chapter Fourteen
I still hadn’t heard back from my superior officers with a time and a date for my return. Also for my mission to be completed. I’d been here so long that I didn’t know if that was good or bad. Sometimes I thought I was losing the plot and other times I believed I was the consummate soldier. Maybe I was both.
A few of us had gathered after school at the skate park next to the community center because, apparently, this was what teenagers did.
Lauren and I sat on a bench in our school uniforms while in front of us, boys on skateboards zoomed up and down a concrete ‘bowl’ designed for that purpose. I was in awe of their skills and the tricks they could do, while Lauren was in awe of the fact they were teenage boys.
A guy with bleached fuzzy hair with dark roots waved as he skated along the path in front of us, heading for the far end of the bowl. I remembered him from my first day at school and it seemed he remembered me too.
Ben walked up and sat beside us, or beside me, to be more accurate. Lately I’d been extremely confused about my mission and about Ben too, so I’d been doing the mature thing and avoiding him.
In front of us, Rex Anderson was going for it on his skateboard. He skated down a half pipe at the other end of the park, flew into the air, grabbed the bottom of his skateboard and landed smoothly, only to do the same thing again on the other side of the pipe.
My mouth fell open.
Ben leaned forward, his eyes on the skaters. “Rex is getting a lot of air.”
“Is that what you call it?” I asked.
“He’s seriously good. Spends all his spare time skating.”
“The dude’s a good skater,” Lauren said. “Shame about the personality.”
Ben shrugged. “Rex is okay.” Lauren glared at him so he added, “Most of the time.”
A tiny pinprick on my hip sent a huge shiver up my spine. Another message on my PR I had to check it. Right away. I made an excuse and headed for the community center, found the bathroom and ripped the PR device from my hip.
This is advance notice that computations to the time travel program are being finalized with respect to your safe teleportation back to New Nation. Be prepared to eliminate your target soon. Exact time and date to be confirmed. Meanwhile, continue with data collection on society and government. Nicola, be careful. Lucien.
“NOOOO…”
I slammed my open palm against the door. Pain reverberated through my hand so I kicked the damn door, then dropped down onto the toilet seat, my head in one hand, my PR device in the other.
This couldn’t be happening. I needed more time. How could they do this to me?
I knew the answer. The only thing that mattered was the mission. I was also sure Lucien had taken a risk in sending this message. This was personal, an advance warning from a friend, not an official message from my superiors.
I stood up and composed myself, then strode out of the community center. I was a soldier. And a teenager. And I had to do this.
Rex skated along the path in front o
f me, both he and the board jumping into the air at the same time. I stood on one side of the path, Lauren and Ben on the bench on the other side. It might as well have been a hundred miles between us.
I cleared my throat. Got into teenager mode. “Wow, what was that?”
“An Ollie,” Ben said. “It’s the first trick you learn on a skateboard.”
Rex slid past again. This time the board’s tail hit the ground, the board spun 360 degrees in the air, and then Rex landed on it.
“Show off!” Ben yelled.
Rex spun around and skated back to stand in front of us. “I’d like to see you do a pop-shove-it.”
Ben grinned. “I would too, but I’m not a pro like you.”
“Have you ever tried skating?” Rex asked me.
I screwed up my nose. “Me?”
Rex grabbed the board and held it out to me. “Do you want to have a go?”
More than anything, I wanted to be like the people around me. “Sure.”
Ben got up too while Lauren stayed where she was. Rex gave me the basics about how you push off on one foot to get going and keep your arms out. Still shaken from the message I’d received, it took all my concentration.
“Bend your knees for balance,” Ben added. “It’s like surfing.”
Yet another thing I’d never done. I mimicked a surfing pose or perhaps it was a skating pose. It was a bit hard to tell.
I stepped onto the board and Rex gave me a gentle push. I lost my balance in less than a second and stumbled off. You can do this. I got back on and lasted a few more seconds. After a couple more attempts, I was moving. Sort of. I wouldn’t have called it skating exactly.
This was the perfect distraction, exactly what I needed. I had a few more attempts and eventually ended up gliding along the path that ran alongside the bowl. Each time, I got a little faster until I could actually do it. Kind of.
I stopped next to the two boys and forced a smile. I was supposed to be happy.
“You’re being very nice to Nicola,” Ben said to Rex, a hint of suspicion in his voice.
“It’s not because I’m scared of her,” Rex said, too quickly.
“No, you just have a healthy respect for her.”
Rex nodded. “Absolutely.”
I hadn’t had enough yet. It was never enough. I asked for one more turn and Rex agreed.
On this last run I finally had the knack of skating. I had that feeling of gliding through the air. A feeling of freedom and lightness.
Followed by the feeling of crashing and tumbling onto the grass by the path. While I sat on my backside, Rex and Ben rushed up to me.
“Are you okay?” they both asked.
“Fine,” I said.
“You sure?” Rex leaned over to pick up his board.
I waved at him. “It’s all yours now.”
He left, and Ben gave me his hand to help me up. He was always so kind and thoughtful. He was everything he wasn’t supposed to be.
So I yanked his hand and pulled him down. He rolled over the top, taking me with him, and I squealed like a girl. Honestly, I don’t know what came over me.
We sat on the grass, grinning, and this time my smile was real.
“I’ll get the grass off your back,” Ben said.
I spun around on my butt. “Thanks.”
He leaned closer, his breath warm on my neck. “Don’t worry. I won’t try to kiss you or anything.”
“Good,” I said.
If only he knew. Kissing had been on my mind a lot lately. Ben brushed the grass from my back, then I did the same for him. We sat facing each other and continued flicking the grass off the front of our uniforms. The sun was warm on my back, the smell of cut grass filling the air.
Ben held my gaze. “You’re embarrassed, aren’t you?”
“Me?” I placed a hand on my chest. “About what?”
“About the other night when we were studying at my house, about kissing me.”
I wasn’t so much embarrassed as shit-scared I’d end up in another situation I couldn’t handle. Hell, I was already in a situation I couldn’t handle.
“We’re just hanging out together,” he said. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Not at all.”
I let out a long sigh. When I was with Ben, it seemed as if the world was full of promise, as if anything might happen. Most of the time. That wasn’t how it felt now, though.
As we sat quietly, I thought how lovely it would be if I could enjoy the silence and the time together. How wonderful if we could always stay like this.
Eventually Ben said, “You’re going to Jake’s party, aren’t you? It’s Saturday week.”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” I said.
I damn well hoped I wouldn’t miss it – my first and last party – but I didn’t know if I’d still be here.
I could get used to living here. Hell, I was used to living here. I loved everything about it. I lived in a comfortable house with parents who loved me; I went to school, which wasn’t so bad; and I had friends who cared about me. What was not to like?
Ben leaned closer, pulled a blade of grass from my hair. I had that horrible, wonderful, warm feeling I’d felt with him before. He made me feel special, as if I was the only person in the room. And we weren’t even in a room. This was wrong in so many ways.
“Sometimes, I wonder if you’re thinking about someone else,” he said.
Not someone. Something. My mission. I’m thinking about eliminating you. Or I was supposed to be, except I couldn’t face that right now.
“I’ve got a few things on my mind.” I flicked an imaginary blade of grass from my leg. “That’s all.”
“Everyone does,” he said. “It doesn’t mean things are that bad.”
“What about you, then?”
“I’m always anxious. I’m just good at covering it up.”
I shook my head. “No way.”
Ben dropped his gaze, his face clouding over. “I’m always trying my hardest. Always trying to be bigger, better, faster, smarter. Trying to make it there on time. Trying to make up for the past.”
“What past?”
What was he talking about? Ben had everything going for him. Except for the fact I was going to eliminate him soon, but he didn’t know that.
I took a deep breath and stretched my arms.
“You’re very good at avoiding me,” Ben said.
Leaning forward, I brushed my hand against his knee. “No, I’m right here with you.”
“See, that’s what I like about you. I never know what to expect.”
Ben grinned and I wished he didn’t look so darn cute.
I couldn’t believe this young man was going to do such terrible things one day. There was simply no sign of it.
I’d been having other doubts too. Even if Ben was going to go on to release the killer virus – and that was a big if – could I punish him for something he hadn’t done yet? Was that fair and justifiable? And what kind of person would that make me?
I had so many questions and no time.
The only thing I knew for sure was that Ben liked me. I liked him too, yet that didn’t matter. Or it shouldn’t.
The mission was the only thing that mattered.
That’s what I kept telling myself.
Chapter Fifteen
Lauren looked out through her bedroom window. “This is the perfect afternoon for lounging by the pool.”
I could live with that. In fact, switching off for a while might be the best thing for me. I was struggling with so much at the moment. With these emotions I shouldn’t be having. With my mission. With a lot of things. I needed to relax and needed an afternoon off.
“It’s a hard life,” I said. “But someone’s got to do it.”
I’d heard that saying and it had stuck. I pictured the two of us sunning ourselves on the plastic recliners in Lauren’s yard and dipping into the pool when we needed to cool off. It wasn’t such a bad mental picture – or it wouldn’t h
ave been if my mission wasn’t weighing on me.
Lauren turned to me. “On a sunny day like this, I shouldn’t be holed up in my room.”
I stood and joined her by the window. “Why would you stay in your room?”
She lowered her gaze. “I have a hobby, something I haven’t told you about. You won’t laugh, will you?”
“No.”
“I have a special notebook that I write stories in. I want to be a writer.” She smiled shyly. “My mother thinks I’m on PeoplePlace when I’m in my room.”
“Why don’t you tell her?”
Lauren shook her head. “That’s one more thing she can put me down about. And for God’s sake, don’t mention this to anyone, especially not Simone or Taylor.”
“Why not?”
“It’d be so uncool. I’m never going to be popular by telling people I write stories. They’ll think I’m a geek or a dreamer.”
“You shouldn’t be ashamed,” I said.
“I’m not. I just don’t want anyone to know.” I raised my eyebrows so she added, “If no one knows what I’m doing, I can’t fail.”
I frowned. “So it’s better not to even try?”
“See, this is exactly why I haven’t told anyone. Because it’s so complicated. Now I’m ruining a perfectly good afternoon.”
I understood ‘complicated’, though I wished I didn’t. And maybe Lauren’s dilemma didn’t revolve around life and death but that didn’t mean it wasn’t important. I wasn’t the only one with problems.
Lauren motioned for me to follow her down the stairs toward her kitchen. “We need mocktails.”
I scooted along behind her. “I agree.”
In the kitchen, she opened the pantry and surveyed the contents. “And junk food. We’ll have to swing by the supermarket first.”
“Sounds good.” Perhaps I could sneak in a bag of Cheetos and find out what they were like. This might be my last chance, after all.
Lauren closed the pantry door. “Then when we come back we can settle by the pool. I’ve got a great recipe for mock champagne.”
Infiltration (Infiltration Book 1) Page 10