Infiltration (Infiltration Book 1)

by Susanna Rogers

  A current shot up my spine, a pleasant one with an edge to it. Something was different.

  I backed off up the steps, then grabbed a towel and lay down on the grass on my back. Eyes closed, I enjoyed the sun on my bare skin and breathed in the fresh smell of the grass in summer. Ben lay down on a towel beside me and I wished we could stay like this forever, just the two of us with all the time in the world and no one to bother us.

  How odd that doing nothing made me feel so alive. This was such a strange place and such a weird way to live. And I liked it. A lot.

  Ben slid his fingers onto my arm, reclining on one arm close to me. I closed my eyes again. He slipped his fingers onto my waist, then higher as if counting the ridges of each rib. My skin tingled. His fingers traveled higher.

  I was on fire on the inside. This was wonderful. This was bad. This shouldn’t be happening. My eyes sprung open.

  He tilted his head toward me, his lips parted, green eyes narrowing. I savored the delicious anticipation though I knew exactly what was coming. He covered my mouth with his, pressing his chest against mine. I had the feeling perhaps I didn’t know exactly what was coming after all. His hands wandered.

  This wasn’t about kissing or making out. This was about sex. Even I could work out that much.

  I pushed him away. “I can’t do this.”

  Ben rolled off, holding me at arm’s length. “Did I do something wrong?”

  “No, it’s not you. It’s…everything.”

  He rubbed my arm. “I like you, Nicola. A lot. That’s why I asked you to come here today.”

  That was why he’d asked me here. I had so much to learn. How had I got myself into this situation? Ben, too. I’d got him into this as well.

  I’d never even thought about someone experiencing such strong sexual urges and had certainly never contemplated anything like this before. Talk about being out of my depth.

  Eyes wide, I said, “So you want to have sex with me?”

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “You haven’t answered my question.”

  “Is it so surprising?” He gazed at me longingly. “You have the bluest eyes and lovely light brown hair. You don’t even need to try to look gorgeous. You just are.”

  “Me? Gorgeous?”

  He leaned back on his hands. “That’s another thing that makes you even more attractive. Girls who are good looking and use it to their advantage annoy me, whereas you’re really cute but you act as if you’re oblivious.”

  There was a very good reason for that – because I didn’t have a clue. I’d never placed much importance on attractiveness or attraction. Neatness in my appearance and a reasonable level of grooming was expected and it was only respectful, but only in so far as it was practical. Why would I want to spend hours in front of a mirror doing my hair or getting dressed up?

  “Besides,” Ben held my gaze. “You can feel it too. You like the way it makes you feel when we’re together.”

  “Yes, but…”

  He was right. I couldn’t deny it, not any more.

  “Then you agreed to come here. It’s pretty obvious what I thought.” Ben shrugged. “Dad’s at work. There’s no one home. We’ve got the place to ourselves. I thought you knew what’d happen.”

  Maybe any other teenager in Altabena could have read between the lines and worked out what was going on, but not me. Things-I-didn’t-know was a large group of items.

  I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest. “I’m sorry, but this is all too fast for me.”

  “I’m sorry too.” Ben sat up as well. “I don’t want to push you into anything. Is it because you’re upset about your mom? Is that it?”

  “Yes.” I was ready to pounce on any excuse. “It’s that. It’s everything.”

  Deep as my feelings were for Ben, I knew this wasn’t the right time or place, not for me, not for us. I felt it deep in my gut.

  I felt a lot of other things too, this distinctly sexual desire that started as a sizzle on the surface and built up to a deep longing inside. I’d read about it in books but had no idea it could be like this, so compelling, so all-consuming, so overpowering.

  My body was saying ‘yes’. I wanted some pleasure for myself. Was that so bad? I also wanted to please Ben, wanted to make everything right and be everything he wanted me to be.

  I wanted it all.

  But my head was saying something else, and I couldn’t let these other sensations overwhelm me. Our relationship was complex, a lot more complicated than Ben knew.

  A little fear niggled inside me.

  Maybe it was a big fear.

  I had a feeling Ben wouldn’t like me quite so much if he knew the truth. Hell, at the moment I wasn’t sure I liked me. I sure as hell didn’t appreciate the situation I was in.

  “You’ve had sex with girls before, haven’t you?” I asked.

  “Some people would think that a personal question,” he said.

  “Really?”

  “Yes really. Look, I’ve had girlfriends but that doesn’t mean we have to do the same thing. What has happened before doesn’t make any difference. That shouldn’t come between us.”

  It made all the difference. He was so much more experienced than me it wasn’t funny.

  “I haven’t done this before,” I said. “Nowhere near it and I can’t start now.”

  “Today we’ll hold hands and swim.” He enveloped one of my hands into both of his, then slipped my hand back on my knee. “That’s fine, but you’ve got to learn to be more careful. There are plenty of people out there who’d take advantage of you.”

  My mouth fell open.

  Ben had no idea of the danger he was in, no inkling what I’d had in mind when I first came to Altabena, and no way of gauging what other threats might come his way.

  And he thought I had to be more careful?

  “There’s something I have to tell you,” I said.

  “It’s okay, Nicola,” he said. “You don’t need to say a thing. We can take it easy from now on, take things down a notch.”

  This would be easier if he was pushy, but he wasn’t, and that made it all the harder.

  “That’s not what I meant,” I said.

  “I prefer it this way.”

  “What way?”

  “I’d rather you were picky about who you shared your body with than the other way round.”

  “You’ve lost me,” I said. “Sharing my body, what are you talking about?”

  “I’m not talking about you. It was my old girlfriend, Shannon. You saw her that day at Simone’s house. She was seeing another guy behind my back. Cheating on me.”

  Pain glimmered in his eyes before he dropped his gaze. I saw his disappointment, his anger.

  Ben had said his ex had let him down but hadn’t given the full story. Now I knew. He was talking about the ultimate betrayal.

  I might not know exactly what made people tick, but I’d learnt something about emotions and relationships since I’d landed here. Ben had been devastated by his experience, I was sure of it.

  There was a lot he wasn’t telling me – about the hurt and the anguish – and perhaps some things were better left unsaid.

  “I’m surprised you’d be so willing to find other girlfriends after that,” I said. “You, know, once bitten, twice shy.”

  He shrugged. “I’m a guy. Sometimes I can’t help myself.”

  I cleared my throat. “There are other reasons I couldn’t go through with this today.”

  “It’s okay. We haven’t known each other for long and you’re not ready and that’s fine. I trust you.”

  That only made me feel worse. I didn’t deserve his trust when I was only going to let him down.

  Ben couldn’t trust me. I’d been sent here to gather information and get rid of him.

  But he had to trust me. Because his life depended on it. And I was the only one who could save him.

  This was such a mess. Where to start?

  “Have you e
ver wanted to disappear?” I asked.

  “You ask some strange questions.”

  “I’ve heard that before. Haven’t you ever wanted to go far away and leave everything behind? Haven’t you ever wondered what it’d be like to go somewhere where no one knew you and you could start from scratch?”

  “Yeah, I have, but it’s not like you think.” Ben’s face clouded over. “After my mom died, I wanted to run away and give up because it was all too hard. But I couldn’t leave everyone and everything I knew, no matter how much I wanted to. And after a while, things got better. Besides, if I’d run away, we would never have met and we wouldn’t be here now sitting in the sun.”

  It would be so much better for Ben if I’d never come, if we’d never met, and if there was no way of sending anyone else back in time. Not so for me.

  ’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

  I saw new meaning in the words. Life wasn’t about obeying orders. People and relationships were what mattered. Love mattered.

  That was why I felt this stabbing in my heart, this weight in my gut dragging me down, this pain. Because of the magnitude of my loss. And it was better to go through this than never to have experienced the depth of feeling I had for Ben.

  It was worth it. For the first time in my life, I was living. I had a choice in what I did. I was making my own decisions. There were people I loved and they loved me back.

  And while I was here, I could do one good thing.

  I could save Ben.

  “Wouldn’t you like to go overseas or learn French,” I suggested. “Wouldn’t it be fun to keep moving around? You could take care of yourself and not worry about anyone else.”

  His brow furrowed. “Nic, are you trying to get rid of me?”

  “I just hope you can always take care of yourself.”

  “Of course I can take care of myself.” He gave me a playful nudge on the shoulder. “You might be able to knock me out in a stand-up fight, but I’d beat you hands down in a wrestling match.”

  My hands were lowered. My guard was down and I didn’t know what to do.

  “But what if you don’t know what’s coming?” I asked. “How can you defend yourself if you’re not aware what’s out there?”

  He tilted his head closer and pressed his lips against mine gently and I did absolutely nothing to defend myself. I kissed him right back and felt all my problems melt into the background.

  If only we could stay this way. If only we could make everything right.

  Ben pulled back, smiling. “That’s life. You never know what’s around the corner.”

  But I did know.

  That was the problem.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  The three of us stared across the road at the pile of rubble where the community center and skate park had stood. Dust rose in the air from the recent demolition. A dump truck reversed into position while another vehicle scooped up bricks and broken concrete.

  The demolition crew had been sent in at midnight last night while the town was sleeping. Lauren, Ben and I wanted to see it ourselves so we’d come straight here after school.

  “I can’t believe it,” Lauren said.

  “Neither can I,” I said.

  Except I could. This was exactly how the Bartley government would handle a situation like this. Lauren’s mom had been giving her regular text updates throughout the day. Apparently Bartley had said, “A decision needs to be made” – so he’d made one and it didn’t matter that it was contrary to the wishes of the people.

  “My mom insists Bartley’s corrupt,” Lauren said. “That he’s taking money from developers. That he’s building up his personal coffers and wants to take over the world.”

  I knew what Lauren didn’t: Bartley would end up taking over North America. There’d be a few more elections. I wasn’t sure how many. And Bartley would remain in power until his son took his place, and then the next son after that.

  No more elections. No more democracy. All for the pursuit of ultimate power. That was the drug that drove Bartley.

  I had trouble working out what made someone so power-hungry. Why did Mao Tse-tung, Josef Stalin and Idi Amin destroy and crush their own people? There was no reasonable answer because they weren’t reasonable people. Neither was Bartley. Megalomaniacs, all of them.

  “The election’s coming up soon,” Ben said. “My dad thinks if we don’t give Bartley the boot now, it’ll only give him more power and he’ll get worse. Problem is the people are afraid of a change, afraid to vote for the other side, so Bartley will end up getting voted in again.”

  “I think your dad’s right,” I said.

  Lauren motioned to the space where the community center and skate park had stood. “We went to that protest rally. Okay, my mom made me go, but I was still there. You too, Nicola. We were in the thick of it. What was the point if no one was going to listen?”

  I didn’t have an answer. I only knew that when people voted Bartley in at the next election, he’d take it as approval of his policies and tactics. It would only encourage him to cast his net wider. Ruling California was only the beginning.

  “This is an important issue,” Lauren said. “It’s not just about one building getting knocked down. It’s about voicing our opinions and being listened to and democracy.”

  “Lauren, I’ve never heard you so serious,” I said.

  “Well, this is a serious issue.” She looked thoughtful, not a characteristic I’d attribute to her very often. “I’m tired of writing stories no one will read. I’m going to write a letter to the paper. No, a full-length article. It’ll be impassioned and articulate and personal. I’ll send it to the newspaper or a big magazine, maybe Time. There has to be a way of making people listen.”

  “You should definitely do it,” I said.

  “You’re right. I should. Right now, in fact.” She placed a hand on my shoulder. “Before I change my mind.”

  Lauren headed off.

  Ben looked stunned. “I’m not quite sure what just happened. I always thought Lauren didn’t care about anything except boys and clothes.”

  I shook my head. “She’s just good at acting like she doesn’t care.”

  “I didn’t know she wrote stories either.”

  “Not a lot of people do.”

  I knew efforts to thwart Bartley would be futile yet somehow that didn’t seem reason enough not to try. Maybe the future could be changed if people banded together and refused to re-elect the government. Maybe Lauren could give Bartley more bad press. It wasn’t likely but anything was possible.

  “Let’s go,” Ben said. “I’ll walk you home.”

  We ambled away. I was glad we were walking slowly because it gave us more time together. We talked about the demolition and school and the people we knew. We talked about everything except the one thing that mattered.

  We weren’t far from my house when Ben finally came out with it.

  “I’ve been thinking about what happened between us yesterday.”

  So had I. I’d been thinking about a lot of things. And worrying too. I’d done a lot of that.

  “I’m always fixated on the physical side of things,” he said.

  “Well, you’re a guy.”

  “And you’re a girl. It’s not as if one of us is right and the other is wrong. We need to find what works for both of us. It’s made me see things in a different way. In the past I’ve been so shallow.”

  “No, you haven’t.”

  If Ben had been shallow, what had I been? I wasn’t the person he thought I was. I was someone else altogether.

  “I was always afraid of getting involved,” he said. “Not physically, I mean, I never had a problem with that. But there was always something holding me back from getting emotionally involved.”

  What a time for him to come to this realization about himself. We stopped across the road from my house. That’s what it was now, my home.

  “This isn’t the right time for this conv
ersation,” I said.

  Ben took my hand in his. “It’s never going to be the right time. Yesterday when I said I liked you, that wasn’t the complete truth–”

  “It’s okay,” I said.

  I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t bear it, not with everything else I knew.

  “I more than like you,” he said.

  We’d gone too far and there was no point trying to deny it. I was in so much deeper than I'd ever anticipated.

  “I like you a lot too,” I said. “Can you always remember that?”

  Ben smiled. “You’re getting weird on me again like you did when we were lying on the grass together at Jake’s party.”

  I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and ran across the road.

  Things were only going to get weirder.

  He had no idea.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Maybe this would be my big chance. I’d let my mind wander in science class, only to hear the words ‘faster than light’ and suddenly the science teacher had my full attention. I wasn’t sure how we’d got onto the subject, only that this was extremely relevant.

  “The Milky Way is enormous,” Mr. Rodriguez said. “It takes light thousands of years to reach Earth from the other end of the galaxy. Light travels at over 186,000 miles per second. That’s miles per second, not per hour.”

  Though he should have been speaking in metric rather than using miles, I got the picture. Light travels fast and the distances are huge.

  “The Milky Way is one galaxy,” a kid down the back said. “There are loads of others, aren’t there?”

  “Billions.” Mr. Rodriguez nodded. “We’re like a tiny little speck in an enormous universe. We’re smaller than a speck.”

  “If we’re such a small speck, maybe it won’t matter if I don’t do my homework,” the kid said.

  The whole class laughed, just as the buzzer rang to mark the end of class, the end of the day. The clatter of chairs scraping the floor and papers being gathered filled the air.

  Mr. Rodriguez pointed to the boy at the back of the room and said over the racket, “I will be checking all the homework.”