I felt a new loss, one more thing piling onto all the losses. This was different. Losing that scholarship was letting my dead parents down. They’d met and gotten married while at the University of Nebraska.
Both of them would light up like roman candles whenever they talked about their time there. They’d shoot each other a secret glance and smile at some shared memory.
I wanted to go to Nebraska so bad it hurt. I wanted to start for their football team. I wanted to be what Keith Jackson had famously dubbed, ’A Big Ugly up front.’ Hell, secretly I wanted to parlay that into a pro football career. I know I might be stretching it a little, a guy could dream, couldn’t he? Or at least I could until I threw that first punch.
An empty, hollow, dullness descended over me. It felt like a hole had opened inside of me, sucking my soul into a giant chasm. My mind searched for an out, anything. But there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.
My grandfather stood and threw Coach Carlson a nasty look. I thought he wanted to say something. He hesitated, then shook his head.
“If that’s it, we’ll be going,” he said as he turned and walked out the door. I looked at Turner and Coach before I jumped up to follow the old man out.
Battle Ax Betty looked like she was going to swallow her tongue. I’m sure Turner would fill her in later. I caught up with Grandfather at the front door and followed him out to his truck parked at the front of the building. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do now.
My thoughts were tumbling around like a clown in a barrel.
“You don’t got to tell me, but, I’ve got to admit I am dying of curiosity,” Grandfather said. “I mean, it’s not like you and Danny to get into it like this.”
He’d caught me flat-footed. I hadn’t thought this through, or at least not to a way that made any sense. How could I tell him that I had lost control? Especially about something like this. A chill traveled up and down my spine when I thought about saying the words.
The birds were chirping and I could taste potential rain. I realized I was stalling. The old man stood there with his hands behind his back patiently waiting.
I took a deep breath and told him everything. About how I found them. About how Gina had never wanted to do anything more than kiss, and how she hadn’t even seemed to like that.
When I finished, I hung my head and stared at the ground. The deafening silence eating into my soul.
We reached his truck and he suddenly halted before he glanced at the sky. He did that before he made any decisions. I used to think he searched for God’s guidance.
It took me a few years to realize that he instinctively looked at the weather. No farmer ever made a decision without checking the weather. Our lives revolved around it.
His gnarled hand came into my vision. He stood there waiting for me to shake it. I reached out and grasped it. My heart lodged in my throat when I realized that mine was as big as his. We squeezed and he stared into my eyes.
“Your dad would have been proud,” was all he said. Not that he was proud, not that he felt my pain.
Hey, I’ll take it. One of my most important rules wa – Any approval from Grandfather was the equivalent of winning the Heisman and an Oscar on the same day.
Chapter Two
Katie
Whoever said, ‘high school wasn’t fair,’ didn’t know the half of it. High school ranks right up there with ‘life’ in its unfairness. It’s one of those rules that no one ever tells you about until it’s too late.
The poor idiot. Scott I mean. Come on. Anyone could have told him what was going on.
Even someone like me on the outside, the extreme outside, could see she was using him to get to heartthrob Danny. The way she’d light up, giggling at every lame joke, flirting whenever Scott wasn’t around.
It was a farce until it became a tragedy. The Greeks would have been proud.
It was ten minutes into first period before I knew what was happening. I sat immediately behind Jennifer Hobson and Marla Jackson. Two of my best sources of Intel. I used my tricks to remain invisible.
Letting my hair fall across my face. My eyes focused on the front of the room. As far as they were concerned, I didn’t exist. Just the way I liked it.
I sneaked a handy wipe packet and opened it under my desk before sanitizing my hands while I listened.
“He caught her in bed with Danny,” Jennifer said.
“No way, for reals? Wow, I thought she was the holy of holies,” Marla questioned.
“Yeah, but it was Danny Carrs, who could blame her.” Both girls laughed. “Johnny told me. He visited Danny at the hospital.”
“Marla, Jennifer, please pay attention,” Mr. Lavers said from the front of the room. I could have kicked him.
Me? I observe. It’s safer out here on the fringes. ‘Don’t get involved’ is the rule I live by. It’s served me well so far. Better to watch other people crash and burn.
I saw everything from the edge. I could usually tell who was going to break up with whom long before they knew it themselves. Who was on their way out of the in-group? I could tell you who cheated on their Spanish test this morning and who worried about taking a pregnancy test this afternoon. The one test you couldn’t cheat.
I knew which kids were getting abused and which were higher than a kite. I knew who broke into the lockers during last week’s football game and who was going to be next year’s valedictorian. I mean, I saw it all and kept it to myself.
Knowledge like that left me feeling a little guilty about not warning him.
Scott had always been nice. I mean, it’s not like we talked or anything. It’s just that he’d never been mean, never gone out of his way to make fun of the strange new girl.
I ran into him once in the hall. Literally ran into him. It was like walking into a brick wall at full speed. Totally my fault, I was looking at Jessie Taylor and her brother fight about something and didn’t see the mountain in front of me. My books went flying one way and my glasses the other.
He never commented about my beet red face. Not a word about my stammering apology. He acted like it was all his fault, apologizing as he helped me retrieve my stuff.
Like I said, a nice guy. And you’ve got to admit that’s unusual for a jock.
He sat at the front of the class in fourth period and stared at the front wall. His shoulders straight and head up like he didn’t have a care in the world. I could tell, though like I said, I observe. The tips of his ears were cherry red and his fist would clinch and his knuckles turned white every time somebody made a snide comment.
I don’t know how he made it through the class without exploding.
Instead, at the bell, he calmly stood up, gathered his books and slowly walked out the door. Everyone jumping to get out of his way.
It was strange, as if I was proud of him. Not enough to get involved, though.
.o0o.
I’ve always thought of the library as mine. The one place that was free of the teenage angst and drama that permeated everything around here.
There is this smell. It’s not strong enough to be called an aroma. It’s a simple smell. Paper, glue, and leather binding with a faint taste of copy toner. - Come on, you’ve smelled it. Is there anything calmer, less dramatic than a library? The room enfolds you like a warm blanket that promises to keep the world outside. God, I love that place.
So imagine my surprise to find Scott James parked at a center table in my library. He hadn’t picked a table in the back. No not him. It has to be right there in the middle of the room. Was the guy a born masochist?
My stomach fluttered a little. I didn’t need drama in my library. As the TA for the library during sixth period, my job was to eliminate drama. Helping Mrs. Johnson. Mostly returning books to the stacks and helping freshmen find their way around.
It was my favorite part of school and Scott James was going to ruin it by sitting in the middle of my library.
He’d hung his red and white letterman jacket over the back o
f his chair. He looked up when I came in and our eyes met for a brief second. Nothing. No reaction. Like I said, I’m very good at being invisible. Turning back to his book, he flipped a page and returned to his own world.
I ducked behind the counter as I ripped a package open and pulled out a handy wipe for my hands before I started processing books, sorting them into categories. I let my hair fall in front of my face so I could peek through it at Scott. It was one of my many tricks at staying hidden.
I’ll admit it, I was worried about him. How did someone fall from the top to the bottom without cracking up? You know that whole, “those the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad” thing.
No one would ever call him drop dead gorgeous, but he was good-looking, in that rugged, manly sort of way,
His thick black hair kissed the tops of his ears. He kept swiping at it like it tickled. He had an old scar below his right eye and a faint bruise on the left side of his face.
It seemed that heartthrob Danny had gotten in at least one punch before his world became seriously disturbed.
I found myself staring at Scott and forgetting about what I was supposed to be doing. I mean the guy was huge, with shoulders wider than the Grand Canyon, and hard tanned arms the size of small trees. They weren’t those sculpted weightlifter muscles. These could only be built with years of hard work outdoors.
He had soft chocolate eyes that hid a deep intelligence. It always surprised me to see someone so big with an intelligent look. It wasn’t normal.
His brow creased in confusion and he went back a few pages to reread something, found what he wanted, and nodded to himself.
I wondered what he was reading. It didn’t appear to be a textbook. I had an almost overwhelming urge to go over and ask.
Whoa Katie, what is going on? You do not get involved. Ever. And talking to Scott James was way too much involvement. Suppressing a shudder and fighting to get my rebellious stomach back under control I returned to what I was supposed to be doing.
Mrs. Johnson had gone to a meeting and left me a note asking me to process some new books. I glanced at the two boxes on the floor and sighed in resignation.
Why did they ship the books in such big containers? I could never get them up on the desk until I’d half emptied them. I didn’t even try to pick one up. Instead, I started pushing and dragging the first box to the front desk.
“Do you need a hand with that Katie?”
A deep voice from behind me made me jump.
After I came down from the ceiling and got back into my own skin, I turned and saw Scott standing there with a questioning tilt of his brow.
Okay, two things popped into my mind simultaneously. One, did he know I’d been staring at him, and two, he knew my name! I hadn’t thought he knew I existed, let alone my name.
“What?” I answered, demonstrating my outstanding ability with the English language. I wanted to melt into nothingness.
He looked at me with a deep frown and shook his head. “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to scare you, I… I just wanted to help. If you need it, that is? But hey, I understand.”
He turned and started back to his chair before I could get my brain back into working order.
“No! …. I mean yes, I could use a hand. Thank you.” The words came out without me processing all of the ramifications.
I knew I couldn’t let him walk away thinking I was afraid of him. The fact that he terrified me, not that I thought he’d ever hurt me, more on that stomach fluttery level that scared the bejesus out of me.
He nodded and stepped behind the front desk. Bent over – I won’t say anything about how excellent his jeans looked when he bent over - and placed one box on top of the other. He picked them both up and turned to me.
I, being infinitely cool, just stood there gawking. I could barely move one and he picked up two of them like they were puff cakes.
We stared at each other for a moment before I realized he was waiting for me to tell him where to put them. My face flushed red and I pointed to a clear spot on the counter.
He placed the boxes on the desk, dropping one next to the other, dipped a small nod with a charming smirk then turned and walked back to his book.
My heart raced a little, Okay a lot. I was pretty sure that it was going to beat right out of my chest and fall on the floor at his feet.
It was a silly smirk that said, ‘what you going to do, life sucks, then you die.’ Obviously, the boy got it.
We spent the rest of the period ignoring each other. I’d sneak a peek, hoping to catch him looking at me. But every time he had his head buried in his damn book. I noticed that he used a bookmark and didn’t dog-ear the page. Another major plus in his favor.
It wasn’t until the bell rang and his sister came in that I realized I’d never thanked him for helping move the boxes.
How much of an un-cool idiot could I be? He probably thought I was a self-centered airhead. Or worse, that I despised him and was just using his muscles to my benefit.
His younger sister was a freshman with long brown hair and a peaches and cream complexion. I didn’t know much about her other than she rode to and from school with her brother.
Her eyes creased when she first stepped into my library. I could tell she was worried about him, but she didn’t say a word as she waited for him at the door.
He gathered his book and joined her, then turned towards me and caught me staring. He gave me another nod and that death-defying smirk.
They both left my library and a quietness settled into the room.
I watched them go and my mind drifted to what could have been, to what my life should have been like.
Shaking my head to clear it of cobwebs, I placed a new book into my backpack and zipped it shut. Once I had closed it all the way, I immediately opened it and closed it again. Three times I did this before I could leave. Sometimes it sucks being me.
Chapter Three
Scott
I’m a big believer in setting goals. Do more lifts today than yesterday. Straight A’s, That type of thing. Well, now I had a new goal. Make it through this last year of high school without killing anyone.
The cafeteria had become my own personal crucible. I made a point of ignoring them. All my former friends. The guys who had my back. The girls who used to smile at me, ask me my opinion about their loves’ lives. I ignored their nasty looks and whispered comments.
Even the cafeteria lady in her hair net and stained smock gave me the stink eye when she plopped a spoon of mash potatoes onto my tray. She used to give me an extra-large serving. This time, they looked like a marshmallow’s worth. Plus, she forgot the gravy. Did you ever try to eat cafeteria mashed potatoes without gravy? It ranks right up there with wallpaper paste.
Loading my tray with a couple of sandwiches, two bags of chips, and a piece of apple pie, I paid another upset lunch lady and ambled into the main room as if I didn’t have a care in the world.
No way I’d let them think they were getting to me. You’d have thought that after five days, they’d get tired of this crap. But no, the silent stares and sickening snickers continued.
I chose a middle table in the dead center of the room. Within seconds, kids were cramming food down their throats so they could get out of there. It was like I had the plague or something.
One of the departing girls left a whiff of sickening sweet perfume. What was it about girls, they covered themselves in some sugary bubblegum scent and thought it made them sexy.
That was one of the things I liked about Gina. She wore a rose lavender mix, always just the right amount. It was sexy as hell and used to drive me up the wall. I closed my eyes for a moment and floated back to that soft smell.
Get a grip Scott, you’re in the middle of the cafeteria for Christ sake.
I remembered the smell of roses and lavender in Danny’s room and my heart hardened a little. Hell, it was as hard as a rock. I absently ate my lunch while staring them down, daring them to say or do something.
“Um, you know it's social suicide sitting there, right?” I asked, glancing around to try and figure out what was going on. The girl hadn’t said two words to me for two years, and she sits down like she owns the place.
She chuckled and flashed the hint of a pretty smile. “Oh, I’ve been dead to them for years.”
“No, I’m serious, this is not smart.”
She smiled again and finished emptying her bag one item at a time. First, half a sandwich that looked heavy on the lettuce, a yogurt, and a plastic spoon, and finally a green apple.
“Listen, Katie, you should probably move to another table.”
She totally ignored me.
“Hey, since when do you eat in here anyway?” I asked and glanced at the popular table, maybe they hadn’t noticed.
Of course, they all had their heads together discussing the library girl and the traitor.
Katie glanced over her shoulder to see what I was looking at. “They’re planning on jumping you,” she said like they were making a trip to the Kmart in the next town.
I winced, her comments were not surprising but they still hurt.
“Hmm, let me guess, John, Jason, and Tommy?” I said.
“Yes, how’d you know?”
“Simple really, John’s the only one with the balls to even think about trying. Jason’s dumb enough to go along, and Tommy will act tough but stand on the sidelines and egg them on. You’ve got first period with John’s girlfriend Nicole. She was probably bragging to Jenny Pearson.
“Wow, impressive. You don’t seem too worried.”
I shrugged my shoulders. What could I do? We continued to eat in silence. I’d lost my appetite, which happened a lot lately.
John had been a good friend. We’d played next to each other on the offensive line. Gone fishing together last summer a couple of times. I hated the idea of getting into a fight with him. It wasn’t right.
Too Many Rules Page 2