“Mattie?” he asked with a touch of disbelief in his voice.
I was hit with a thousand memories mixed with a new fear. What were the rules about ex-boyfriends? Were we supposed to hug? Why was my stomach turning over like a clothes dryer on hyperdrive? Swallowing hard, I took another step towards him.
Kevin, froze, obviously just as confused as I was. The moment was broken and neither of us made a move to hug. That prickly second in time that threatened to last forever.
“Wow, you look good,” he said with that smirk of his. The smirk that had always made my knees weak.
“You too,” I said as my glance flashed to his left hand holding the cane. No ring. For some reason, I felt a surge full of energetic happiness. But it was the truth, the man did look good. Wide shoulders stretching his uniform tunic. Dark brown eyes that had always reminded me of warm chocolate. Sharp cheekbones and strong hands.
“Your grandfather told me you were going to the University of Washington. That after Scott got drafted by the Seahawks you decided to come here,” he said. “But I never expected to run into you. This place is huge.”
“You talked to my grandfather?” the thought sent a worried chill down my spine.
Kevin laughed. “He wrote me a couple of times a year. In fact, he was about the only person who actually wrote out a letter. A lost art, if you ask me.”
I swallowed hard. Why had my grandfather written him? What had he told him? That thought was followed by a guilty flash at the realization that I had never written him. He was half-way across the world fighting for our country, and I never sent him a care package.
“Hey, I’ve got a little time,” Kevin said looking at his watch. “Can I grab a coffee and join you, catch up.”
My stomach clenched up for a moment before I smiled and nodded my head. This was Kevin, I reminded myself. The ex-boyfriend rules might say not to do this. But I couldn’t have stopped myself if I tried. I wanted to know everything about him.
Kevin smiled back, then started for the door to Starbucks. I watched him walk away, dashing in his uniform. Tall, strong, manly, yet with a limp. A limp I knew for a fact he was trying to hide.
I took a deep breath and returned to my table while I waited. A million different emotions flashed through me. Happiness at seeing Kevin tinged with fear all mixed up with a fluttery feeling deep down that I hadn’t felt in years.
All of that was wrapped around the fact that I had broken up with him. I had hurt him as much as he had hurt me. A difference in dreams. But it had been my immaturity that had ruined us. Did he still hate me?
Kevin stepped back outside, shooting me a quick smile that let me breathe again. There was no animosity in that glance. No disdain. Just an old friend.
Hooking his cane over the back of his chair, he used both hands to lower himself into the chair.
“Are you okay?” I asked before I could stop myself. How personal was I allowed to be with him? What was acceptable? What was the proper procedures for talking to someone like Kevin?
He shrugged his shoulders and said, “It’s not permanent, at least not all of it.”
That was the Kevin I remembered. The boy who never admitted that there was anything wrong. He’d rather have crawled over broken glass than admit there was a problem.
I quickly took a sip of my hazelnut mocha as I tried to figure out what to say.
He smiled at me and tilted his head, “Mattie James, who would ever believe it?”
The sound of Kevin saying my name brought back a wave of memories.
We stared at each other for a long moment, both of us obviously remembering good times.
The look in his eyes made me blush for some reason. My heart skipped a beat as I fought to keep my mind from jumping to our first special night together. A magical summer night under a starry sky.
“Why are you here?” I asked, the curiosity burning a hole in me. “I thought you were stationed in San Diego.”
He smiled weakly. “I’m temporarily assigned to the Navy Sub base over at Bangor while I wait for the Med board back in D.C. to decide what they are going to do to me.”
I frowned for a moment as I deciphered his words. “What about here on campus?”
“My ex-Commanding Officer just got assigned as an instructor with the ROTC program …”
“You’re going to go into the ROTC?” I asked, unable to believe it, Kevin had always hated school. And why did the idea of him going to school here on campus make my stomach shiver?
“No,” he said with a scowl and a vigorous shake of his head. “You couldn’t force me to go to college if you put a gun to my head. No, my Captain asked me to come over and talk to the cadets. Provide a reality check I guess. Not a big thing, but it got me off the base for a day.”
That was my Kevin, still deathly afraid of being cooped up in a classroom all day. The boy had always been intelligent enough to handle the work. But the idea of being stuck inside listening to lectures terrified him. No, Kevin had to be doing. Off seeing the world. Living the adventure.
When you get down to it. That was the core of our problem.
I was surprised to feel an awkward silence threaten to fall between us. We had never really been awkward with each other. From the very beginning, Kevin’s cocky attitude had always refused to acknowledge anything as silly as awkwardness.
I felt my breath begin to struggle as I fought to think about what to say next. Should I apologize for the things I said four years ago? Did I even broach the subject? Or do we keep it light, easy? Nothing more than two people who used to know each other.
But this was Kevin. We had been more than just two people. So much more. This was the only person I had ever shared my true self. The only person who I ever felt safe enough to trust.
I studied him for a moment. Two rows of ribbons on his chest that made me wonder where he had been and what he had done. Two chevrons on his arm. A corporal. Even I knew that was unusual in four years. A cane hooked over the back of his chair. Several small scars on the back of his right hand. And wrinkles at the corners of his eyes as if he had stared off into the distance for too long.
“What about you?” he asked, interrupting my wandering thoughts. “You should be getting close to graduating. Did you ever decide on a major? If I remember it was going to be Pre-Med or bio-engineering.”
I laughed, “Accounting,” I answered.
He shuddered, “That is so you. You always did love numbers.”
I laughed, “I will probably go for my CPA back in Nebraska. Grandfather has been pestering me to be closer. And I don’t like the idea of him being all alone on the farm.”
Kevin nodded, “He mentioned in his last letter that he was thinking about taking on some help. Someone to work the farm for him.”
“Really,” I said, unable to believe it. “He never told me he was thinking about that.”
Kevin shrugged, his eyes glancing off into the distance for a second. “It was probably just in passing. He’d have already done it if he was serious.”
I didn’t know for sure. Grandfather could be private about things like that. Anything that hinted that he was less than perfectly capable was never discussed.
“Anyway,” I continued, “I want to move back. I miss it.”
He studied me for a minute and said, “What, had your fill of the big city?”
I shrugged. “I always was a farm girl at heart. I miss riding. I miss the smell of the fields after they’ve been turned. Knowing everyone, and everyone knowing me. All of it. Overall though, I just miss the slower pace of life. You know?”
Setting his jaw, he slowly nodded. “Yes, I do know what you mean. I miss it sometimes as well.”
“What?” I exclaimed sarcastically. “Kevin Hays, world explorer, adventurer extraordinaire, misses a boring Nebraska farming town.”
He frowned as his eyes took on a fierce glare for the briefest moment. Somehow, I knew he was looking back over the last few years and not enjoying them.
“Sometimes, I said,” he replied with a small smile. “Other times,” he added. “I just don’t know what I’m looking for.”
I relaxed as I searched around for the next subject. Could I ask him about his wounds? Could I ask him about what he had seen and done? Nope. I instinctively knew that stuff was out of bounds. What about girlfriends? Nope, I wasn’t ready to hear the answer. Besides, it would make me sound as if I was interested. Not a message I wanted to send.
“Listen,” he said glancing down at his watch. “I really should be going. The Marine Corps doesn’t understand the concept of being late. It doesn’t matter how pretty the girl is.”
My stomach fell. That was it? A few minutes, and then he would leave. Would we ever see each other again? Was he bailing on me because of something I said?
He looked at me for a second. Really looked and I got a sense that he didn’t want to leave either.
This was Kevin, I told myself again. He was so important to you once. Don’t just let him walk away. Reaching out, I took his hand in mine. Trapping it on the table. “What are you doing on Saturday?” I asked.
His brow narrowed for a moment, “Nothing,” he said. “I’ve got a doctor’s appointment on Monday with the surgeon. But my weekend is free. Why?”
I smiled inside. No plans with his girlfriend.
“Scott and Katie are throwing a birthday party for little Brian. I know they would love to see you. Nothing big, just my roommates and their boyfriends. Katie has sort of been a mother hen for us over these four years. We’ve all become good friends. It’s a three-year-old’s birthday. Burgers, beer, and if we are lucky, sunshine.”
He hesitated a moment while I held my breath.
“I don’t know?” he said
“You can bring your girlfriend,” I added, again holding my breath.
“No girlfriend,” he said with a laugh that let my insides relax for the first time since I had seen him.
“What about you?” he asked. “Won’t your boyfriend be upset about you inviting an ex?”
“No boyfriend,” I answered, secretly pleased that he had wondered.
Kevin slowly shook his head, “I always did know these college guys were idiots.”
My cheeks flushed. He could be so sweet.
“Please,” I pleaded. “It would mean so much to them. To all of us.”
He studied me for a long moment then nodded. “Okay, I’ll come. It would be good to see Katie and Scott again.”
I sighed internally. This wasn’t going to end today. Soon, but not today.
“Give me your number and I’ll text you all the information.”
He nodded as he pulled out his phone. See, I thought to myself, sometimes I could be a genius. Not only was I going to get to see him again. But I was going to get his number.
“I’ve got to go,” he said after our phones had connected.
Nodding, I stepped back as a sudden urge to pull him into a tight hug almost overwhelmed me. Don’t ruin this Mattie, I told myself as I watched him, searching for any hint of what he thought about this.
“It was good running into you,” he added with a soft smile. “It made the day special.”
I smiled up at him and gently laid my hand on his arm. “Me too,” I said.
We stared into each other’s eyes for a minute. Lost in what might have been. Lost in dusty memories that threatened to wash over us.
At last, he nodded, breaking our moment, then reluctantly turned and started walking away. A tall, strong, handsome man with a thousand hidden wounds. A man who had once held my soul in the palm of his hands.
He didn’t turn to see if I was watching. But then he didn’t have to. He knew me as no one else did. He knew I wouldn’t be able to look away.
Chapter Two
Kevin
The ferry was packed with commuters returning to Bremerton. The chatter of a thousand people searching for seats and the thick rumble of the engines were both hidden in the background. The smell of diesel, the calling of gulls, none of it really registered. I was lost in my own mind as I thought back to seeing Mattie again.
Finding a seat where I could stretch out my leg without being in the way, I positioned my damn cane so people could see it. One of the corpsmen had told me about the trick. Saying I need to give people a warning to stay away.
You’d think the scowl on my face would be enough.
Closing my eyes, I tried to get lost again as I drifted back to thinking about Mattie. God, she was as beautiful as ever. That same saucy look that could turn my guts into solid stone. Long brown hair as smooth as Chinese silk. Her face as angelic as a Madonna. That mix of girl next door with just a hint of wild. And that body…
I took a long breath as I remembered that body. She had not changed a bit. Still the perfect curves, still the enticing eyes that had burned their way into my soul in ninth grade. Still that soft scent of jasmine. The same one she’d used years ago. The one the crept into my brain and turned it to mush.
No, she hadn’t changed at all. Still the girl I had loved. She was still the Mattie James I had thought about all those long lonely nights on the wall.
Sighing, I grimaced and tried to think of something else. I was a washed-up Marine on his way out of the Corps. No prospects. No future. Just another grunt with nothing left to offer anyone. The last thing a girl like Mattie James needed was someone like me.
She didn’t hate me though, that was something. The way she had smiled. It was almost as if she had forgiven me.
The memory of that day long ago hit me like a train engine at full speed. Every detail was still as clear as a mountain morning in the Hindu Kush.
We were walking down the hall, hand in hand. Mattie and Kevin, the one couple who had made it through the trials and tribulations of high school. The one couple everyone just knew was too good to be true. But lately, things between us had been rough for the first time.
I had taken a deep breath and told her about visiting a recruiter in Omaha.
She slammed to a halt and pulled me around so she could stare up at me. “What do you mean?” she asked as if I’d told her I was an alien from a distant planet.
“We talked about this,” I said.
“No, you talked about this. But you didn’t listen to me. You went to a recruiter without telling me first?” The hurt in her eyes was fighting with a rising anger. My guts hitched, an angry Mattie James was never a good thing.
It was at this point I knew things were not going to go well. Kids were looking at us. Staring at something they had never seen before. A Mattie and Keven fight. Right there in the middle of the hall.
“I’m telling you now.”
Mattie rolled her eyes and let go of my hand so she could put both of hers on her hips and stare me down.
“You never listen,” she said. “You want to go galivanting around the world. Get yourself killed. Off doing macho stuff while you expect me to sit at home waiting.”
Kids were slowing down to catch the drama.
“No. It’s not like that,” I stammered. Although in some ways, it sort of was. “It’s just something I have to do. I don’t even know all the details yet. I was just asking questions.”
She frowned at me, “I thought I was the most important thing in your life. I obviously thought wrong.”
The pain in her eyes tore at my soul. Stop this, I told myself. Before it gets out of hand. But how? I wondered as a feeling of confusion washed through me. How could I make her understand?
“This isn’t going to work,” she said, as a sad look crossed behind her eyes. “I’m going to college. You’re going to anywhere but here.”
“What isn’t working?” I asked as my heart hammered in my chest.
“Us,” she said as she took a step back. It was almost like she couldn’t stand the idea of being anywhere near me.
My racing heart skidded to an instant stop. This was for real.
“You can’t be serious.” I managed to get out.
; “Don’t tell me what I can and cannot be,” she said, still staring daggers at me.
I stared back at her, unable to believe what I was hearing. This was Mattie. My Mattie. The one person who understood me. The one person who I could trust. How could she do this to me?
We continued to stare at each other, neither willing to back down. This was too important. One of those life shifting moments. I wanted one thing, she wanted another, and there was no compromise. Somethings can’t be fixed.
She swallowed hard as a tear formed in the corner of her eye. A tear that tore me in two.
“I guess you’re not the person I thought you were,” she said with a husky cry of pain.
A rusty screwdriver to the heart wouldn’t have hurt as much as her words tore into me.
How could she say that? Who had stood with her and her brother Scott against the school bullies? Who had worked his butt off to get average grades just so she wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with me? Who had taken on two jobs over the summer just to make sure I could take her places. Treat her like she deserved?
She continued to stare at me then said, “It’s over,” before turning and walking away, her back straight, her head up. The crowd parted for her, then swerved in to fill the vacuum left in her wake. And just like that, she became lost in the throng. Became lost to me.
I stood there. My world in rubble. Unable, to believe what had just happened. How dare she say that to me. How dare she rip out my heart and walk away as if it didn’t matter.
Slowly, an anger began to build inside of me. A hot, relentless anger. The kind of anger I had held in check for all of my life. The screwed-up parents who wouldn’t know how to care if you handed them instructions. This stupid town, full of superior pricks, richer, smarter. A bastard for an older brother constantly reminding me that I would never be enough. All of it had been held back because I thought Mattie loved me.
But now. That world was gone.
People could see the anger in my eyes and wisely chose to give me room. They instinctively knew that I was within a hair’s breadth of blowing up. A bomb that could go off with just the slightest touch.
Too Many Rules Page 43