by Tarah Benner
“No shit?”
“Yeah.” I practice standing without my crutches, which does nothing except trigger a fresh wave of pain. I try pacing around the room, but I’m worn out after only a few steps.
By the time I collapse back onto the bed, Miles is staring at me. “How the hell did a drifter get into the cleared zone?”
“They figured out how to track and disarm the mines.”
Miles is too shocked to speak, so I launch into the story of what happened to me and Harper out there. His eyes grow wide when I tell him that the drifters repurposed one of our mines, and he bangs his fist on the bed when I get to the part about our ambush near the border.
That’s one thing I like about Miles: He always says the wrong thing, but he is a great listener.
“Shit,” he says when I finish.
“Yeah.”
“I can’t believe they took out our checkpoint. And they’re using our own mines against us? They mean business.”
I nod, but I have a sick feeling that those things were only the warm-up. And now that the drifters have found a way to breach the cleared zone, we aren’t as safe as we always thought.
There’s a sharp knock at the door that makes us both jump. He leans back in his chair and tries to look casual as Sawyer strides in with a stethoscope around her neck.
By the looks of her, she’s been here a while. Her shoulders are sagged in fatigue, her smooth black hair is falling out of a messy ponytail, and there are dark bags under her eyes.
“So how’s Riley holding up?” Miles asks.
He doesn’t know Sawyer and Harper are friends, but I’m painfully aware that Sawyer is listening to everything we say as she beams the data from my monitors to her interface.
“Jayden seems to want to keep her here indefinitely.”
“No shit?”
“Yeah. In the psych ward. They aren’t even allowing her visitors.”
“Damn. That’s cold. Did she lose it?”
“No,” I snap. “She’s fine. She’s upset — and she never wants to go out there again — but she’ll be okay.”
He nods, but there’s suspicion brewing in his dark eyes. “Wait. How do you know how she’s doing if they’ve got her on lockdown?”
I clear my throat loudly, looking for a way to backtrack. I don’t want to get into this with Miles — particularly now, when we have an audience.
To my surprise, Sawyer comes to my rescue.
“They plan to release her in a week,” she says.
Miles spins around, as though noticing her for the first time.
“Riley?”
“Yeah. And she’s showing no signs of radiation sickness.” She jerks her head toward my monitors. “Neither are you.”
“I’ve never gotten sick after,” I say with a shrug. “But that’s good, I guess.”
I’m a little surprised that anything about my health is positive, considering how much radiation I’ve been exposed to throughout my life. And based on the fact that section placements are mostly determined by people’s viability, there’s a good chance I won’t live to see thirty.
Once Sawyer finishes reading my data, she throws me a wry grin and leaves. I breathe a sigh of relief when she disappears and slump back onto my pillows.
“How was she out there?” asks Miles. “I mean, I know she’s unbelievable in training, but you can never really tell what a cadet’s going to do on the Fringe.”
“She was great,” I say with a shrug. “I’ve never seen anyone stay that in control the first time. I mean, she was terrified, but she held it together.”
As I talk, Miles watches me carefully but doesn’t say anything.
“Listen,” I mutter in a low voice. “Do you know who might be looking for a big fight?”
“What?” His face twists into an amused expression. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah. I want to fight as soon as my leg is decent.”
“Hey, if you’re looking to get out of deployment, all you have to do is ask.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to throw a fight with you. I need to win.”
“Why?”
“It doesn’t matter. I just need a fight with long odds on someone I can beat — a fight that draws a crowd. I need to put a lot of money on this one.”
Miles scoffs. “Are you crazy? You just got shot. You’ll be lucky if your leg is good to go in three weeks, and you want to stack a fight you have no chance of winning?”
“You know I can win.”
“Not like this, you can’t.”
I let out a frustrated groan. “Look, I need to do this.”
“What’s going on with you? Are you trying to get yourself put on permanent disability?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?”
“I just need some cash. Lots of it.”
Miles’s scowl softens. “Listen. If you’re in trouble, you need to tell me. Whoever’s shaking you down, we’ll take care of it. Once you’re healed up, we’ll get a couple guys together, go down there, and —” He makes a smashing gesture with his fist.
“It’s nothing like that.”
I pause. I know I have to tell him, but it isn’t going to be pretty.
“I’m leaving the compound.”
“What?”
“Do you remember when Harper was arrested?”
His eyebrows shoot halfway up his forehead. “How could I forget?”
“Well, she wasn’t just detained by Control. Constance started watching her. They were torturing her to find out what she knew, and when I gave her an alibi, they started watching me, too.”
I launch into the story about Sullivan Taylor’s murder and Constance’s surveillance, my dread mounting with every word. I’m fully aware that the less Miles knows, the better, but I can’t just leave without telling him why.
After everything we’ve been through together, I owe him an explanation.
When I finish, Miles’s face is so still and serious it looks as though it’s been cut from granite. He’s deep in thought, just as shocked as I was that Constance would eliminate anybody they perceived as a threat.
Finally his serious mask slips a little. “Holy shit. You like her!”
I stare at him in disbelief. That was the last thing I expected him to say.
“What?”
“You’ve got a thing for Riley!” He claps his hands together, grinning like a dog. “It all makes sense now — why you were such a whiny little bitch about training her and why you got involved with her bid.”
He lets out a hollow, crazed laugh that he reserves for times he thinks I’m doing something truly stupid. “Geez, man! Any other girl! Pick any other girl, ’cause this one’s gonna get your ass killed.”
“That’s all you have to say?” I snap. “You don’t have any advice about handling Constance?”
“Well . . . I hate to say this, but if Constance wants Riley dead . . . you’re not going to be able to stop them. My advice is to stay as far away —”
“That’s why I need the fight. Six grand, and we can buy three tickets to 119 and get the hell out of here.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” he says, fighting a grin. “You’re leaving together?”
“Harper, me, and her friend Celdon. Constance beat the shit out of him to scare Harper, and he’s in trouble now, too. They fucking mean business! They aren’t going to let us live if we stay here.”
“Well isn’t that just one big happy family . . .”
“It’s not like that.” I feel myself swinging abruptly from nervous to pissed off.
“Then what’s it like?” he retorts. “You tell me. You put yourself and me at risk to dig into this girl’s bid. You lied to Control for her and almost got your ranks stripped. You went out on the Fringe with her . . . knowing Constance wants her dead. And now you want to have an illegal fight so you can run away with her? Are you stupid?”
“She wouldn’t even be in this mess if it weren’t for me!” I yell. “I recruited her for Recon. I
gave her a death sentence!”
“You know that’s not your fault. You were just doing your job.”
“It doesn’t mean it’s not my fault.”
“That’s fucked up, Eli. You can’t go carrying that shit around with you. You can’t do this out of guilt.”
“I’m not,” I sigh. “I —”
“You like her!”
“No,” I snap, letting out a burst of air. “I can’t.”
“Can’t and don’t are two different things, man.”
“Not around here, they’re not.”
He’s silent for a moment. “So that’s why you want to move, huh?”
“What? No. It’s not like it would be any different there. With our scores, we’ll still end up in tier three — probably ExCon this time.”
“But you won’t be Riley’s commanding officer there. Come on. Are you seriously going to transfer compounds for that? You can be with her here. You just have to be careful. Brooke and I don’t like it, but we manage.”
“I don’t want that!” I growl before I can stop myself. “It’s miserable! You think I want what you and Brooke have? You think I want to be with Harper on the side and sneak around so Jayden doesn’t find out? You think I want to give her even more to use against me? No! I won’t live like that.”
Miles’s face goes slack. I know my outburst hurt him, and I deserve to run down to Waste Management and stick my hand in a particle shredder. Instead, I let out a sigh, trying to get my temper under control. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“Oh, you meant it,” he says, his voice quiet with subdued rage. “Me and Brooke aren’t perfect. I know that, all right? It’s not what I’d pick. But that’s the way it is.
“You have to stop worrying about the way you wish things were and just go for it. Things are what they are. I can’t marry her, but I still see her every day.”
“I know. I shouldn’t have —”
“You know what’s gonna happen to you and Riley?”
The lines of rage disappear from his face, and the calm, serious look that replaces it is even more terrifying.
“You’re going to push her away like you always do, and you’re both gonna die.”
His words shock me a little, but I drag in some air and remind myself that he’s only saying that because he’s angry. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Eli. Man up. If you want a fight, I’ll get you a fight. I’ll even train with you once your leg is healed.”
“Thank you.”
“But you want my advice?”
“Go ahead.”
After how shitty I was to him, the least I can do is let him talk.
He meets my gaze dead on. “Don’t wait around. You two don’t have a lot of time.”
ten
Harper
I wait for Eli to come to my room the next night, but he never shows. Sawyer stops by to let me know he’s still in the medical ward, but she’s assigned to other patients, so she doesn’t stay long.
I spend the next few days prowling my room like a prisoner. I do everything Eli told me to do: I eat my meals. I talk to the psychiatrist. I ask for visitors, but I don’t push the nurses.
Every day, the shrink asks me the same inane questions. And every day, I answer with the same canned responses that Sawyer coached me on.
How are you feeling?
Fine.
Have you been having any night terrors?
No.
Have you been having any visions about your time outside the compound?
No.
Have you been hearing voices?
No.
Do you ever feel as though someone is out to get you?
No.
How do you feel about your position in Recon?
Grateful.
What’s your impression of the compound’s leadership?
Favorable.
All that obedience is enough to make me crazy for real, but I won’t let Constance break me. I’m just a pawn to them, but if I lose it and start raising hell, they’ll use my outburst to justify keeping me here for good.
They’re still careful to isolate me from other Recon operatives. When my assigned nurse finally takes me out for a walk around the ward, I’m pretty sure she avoids the tunnel with Eli’s room on purpose.
A week after my admittance, the attending physician comes by my room during his rounds. He’s a tired-looking man with deep frown lines and salt-and-pepper hair.
When he pulls up my chart on his interface, he lingers longer than usual and lets out a heavy burst of air through his nostrils.
“Well, Commander Pierce seemed to feel you were deeply disturbed by your deployment. She thought you might be a danger to yourself, which is why she recommended we place you under observation.”
I open my mouth to protest, but the doctor holds up a hand to stop me. “But from what I can see, your reaction is normal for a cadet. You were overwhelmed and frightened, but you’ll be all right.”
His words stir a tiny bit of hope inside me, and I sit up a little straighter. “That’s good, right?”
“Yes. And your physical health is good, too. You don’t seem to have suffered any adverse effects from the radiation exposure.”
I hold my breath, positive he can’t mean what I think he means.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
“Good. I think it would be all right for you to go back to your compartment, just so long as you take it easy for a few days, yes?”
“Yes!” I say, relieved. “Yes, of course.”
He smiles a tight, tired smile. “Very good. Lyang? Lyang!”
Sawyer pokes her head around the door and glances at me. “Sir?”
“I’m discharging Cadet Riley. Please process the request and show her out.”
Sawyer beams but quickly schools her expression. “Yes, sir.”
I grin at Sawyer, unable to hold it in. The doctor shuffles out, and as soon as he leaves, she lets out a breath of relief.
“Thank god! I didn’t think they were ever gonna let you out!”
“You and me both,” I groan, hopping off the bed and dragging my fingers through my tangled hair.
“One sec,” Sawyer says, ducking out of the room and heading down the tunnel.
She’s gone for several minutes, and when she returns, I’m relieved to see she’s carrying a fresh set of gray fatigues and my combat boots.
“Thanks!” I grab the clothes from her and start pulling the pants on over my sleep shorts. “I thought they were going to make me march down to Recon in a hospital gown.”
“Don’t thank me,” she says. “Lenny dropped those off for you a few days ago. She and some of the other Recon cadets came by . . . Celdon, too . . . but they weren’t letting anybody see you.”
“Celdon came by?”
Sawyer grimaces. “He told me everything. He feels terrible for what happened before you left.”
“Is he still on surge?”
She shrugs. “I’ve been working back-to-back shifts here. I’ve barely seen him.”
I nod, mustering up the courage to ask the question that’s been weighing on me for the last several days.
“Did . . . Did Eli come by?” I ask cautiously, trying to sound casual.
Her face cracks with sympathy. “No. Not that I’ve heard. I’m sorry.”
I clear my throat. “Um, that’s okay.” I probably freaked him out with my talk of 119. “How’s his leg?”
“It should be okay in a few weeks. They discharged him the day before yesterday.”
“Oh.” I’m trying to hide my disappointment, but Sawyer knows me too well to be fooled.
“He was talking about you, you know.”
“What?”
Sawyer cracks a grin. “He and his friend.”
“Miles?”
“I don’t know. He was asking Eli about you.”
I don’t want to probe any further, but I’m dying to know what Eli sai
d. “Asking him what?”
“Just how you were.” Her smile broadens. “Eli only had good things to say.”
“Really?” I’m annoyed by the glowy feeling expanding in my chest, but I can’t seem to stop it.
“Yeah. I think he likes you.”
“You don’t know the half of it.”
“Oh, come on,” she says. “You like him, too.”
“He’s my commanding officer, Sawyer. Nothing can happen.”
She rolls her eyes, but she’s watching me closely, putting her diagnostic skills to the test.
“But something has happened!” she hisses. “I can see it in your face.”
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“You guys kissed, didn’t you?” she asks, taking on a very un-Sawyer-like girly expression.
“Yeah. And then he shot me down.”
Her face falls. “What?”
“I told you. Nothing can happen between us.”
She looks genuinely disappointed, and I wonder what Eli could have said to earn her affection. Sawyer doesn’t like many people.
“That sucks. I swear he’s into you.”
“Yeah, well . . . He didn’t even come to visit me.”
“He probably knew Jayden wasn’t letting anyone see you.”
I try to smile. Sawyer doesn’t usually go to such lengths to make me feel better, and she almost never stretches the truth to spare my feelings. I’m actually a little touched.
I bend down to tighten the knots on my bootlaces and try to push Eli out of my mind. “It doesn’t matter. They’re letting me go. Let’s get out of here before they change their minds.”
Even though the doctor told me to take it easy, one week off after deployment is all you get in Recon. Since he declared me healthy, Jayden will expect me to return to training immediately.
I’m strangely grateful for the return to normalcy. After spending a week locked in the psych ward, there’s nothing appealing about more rest and relaxation. At least in training, I don’t have time to think about anything else. Plus, I really want to hit something.
The next morning, I get to the training center a half hour early and start a slow warm-up jog around the shaky metal track suspended over the floor.
I’m jittery with nerves. It’s like my first day in Recon all over again.