by Tarah Benner
I wake up in the middle of a nightmare and shoot up in bed with a gasp.
I can still feel the men’s cold, sweaty hands pushing down on my windpipe, and it unleashes the killer inside me.
I wanted to kill those men. I wanted to make them suffer. But it didn’t matter how hard I fought. I was losing ground every second.
If it weren’t for Eli, I definitely wouldn’t be here, and that terrifies me.
“Finally,” says a relieved voice from the floor.
I jump about a foot in the air and fling myself out of bed. I’m going for a lamp, a shoe — anything I can use to clobber the intruder — but then a golden head pops up out of the shadows.
“Easy!” Celdon says, holding up his hands and backing away. “Shit. I’m sorry. That was stupid.”
When I realize it’s him, I collapse back onto the bed and put a shaky hand over my racing heart.
“What are you doing in here?” I gasp. “You scared me half to death!”
“Eli messaged me about breaking into the dead level. He said you’d been taken. Then he messaged me after to ask if I’d come watch over you tonight.”
I glance at the clock. It’s oh-four hundred, which means I’ve had less than three hours of sleep. The warm feeling blossoming in my chest from Celdon’s words is quickly squelched by irritation. “So you broke in here?”
“Broke is a strong word. All I had to do was override your key code. It wasn’t hard.”
“Great.”
“It’s how I got Eli into the dead level,” he says seriously, raising an eyebrow.
I let out a stream of air and drag a hand through my hair. I hadn’t realized how close I’d come to dying. If Eli hadn’t thought to message Celdon, or if Celdon hadn’t answered . . .
“He sounded so worried when he called,” Celdon adds. “Riles, it was like . . . like the world was coming to an end. Like he would have walked through fire to get to you.”
At those words, the embers of warmth in my chest erupt into a blazing heat that makes me feel fuzzy and off balance.
I knew Eli cared, but hearing it from Celdon makes it more real somehow. And even after everything Eli’s said, his actions make his feelings obvious.
Up until this point, Celdon has been patiently watching me absorb this information, but soon he grows restless and comes over to sit beside me.
“Are you going to tell me what the hell happened last night? I mean, not that I don’t enjoy overriding high-level security, but —”
“It was Shane,” I breathe, my heart rate picking up at the memory of those men’s hands on me. “He was trying to have me killed. Those were his guys.”
Celdon looks a little sick. “Shit.”
“I thought Jayden was bluffing,” I mutter, more to myself than to Celdon. “I thought she’d keep me and Eli around to do her dirty work until the drifters finished us off, but if she’s hiring hit men . . .”
“We can’t stay here, Harper.”
“I know.”
Talking about leaving the compound with Eli is one thing, but the thought of actually turning my back on the one home I’ve ever known is terrifying. The compound is familiar to me. I have a life here. I have friends. Leaving will mean never seeing Sawyer, Lenny, or any of the other cadets again.
As though he’s reading my mind, Celdon says, “It’s better to be missed than dead.”
I nod, but it’s not until I look at him that I make the decision. His eyes are marred by deep purplish shadows from weeks of sleepless nights, and his sideways smile is strained.
No matter how much I want to stay and fight, I can’t continue to put Celdon at risk. Last time, Constance tortured him to get to me. If anything else happened to him, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
Steeling myself for what we’re about to do, I take one last look around my dingy compartment to commit it to memory. If I’m lucky, I’ll never wake up in Recon again.
“Be ready to leave tonight.”
When I go to find Eli at oh-eight hundred, the first place I check is the training center.
It’s Saturday, but lately he spends more time in there going at the heavy bag than anywhere else. His anger and frustration have reached a boiling point, and working out seems to be the only thing that releases some of that tension. It reminds me of how I felt growing up in the Institute. It’s why I worked so hard to get out of that place and make something of myself.
But there’s no way to get out of Recon except leaving the compound, which is a gamble in itself. With his low viability score, there’s a very good chance Eli will end up in Waste Management next time. Hell, I could, too, but his future looks particularly grim.
The training center is deserted, so I head to his compartment instead.
I half expect him to still be sleeping, but his door flies open right after I knock. Eli is standing there in his well-worn jeans and a soft gray T-shirt that strains across his biceps.
As soon as he sees me, his eyes fill with relief. His warm hand wraps around my arm to pull me inside, and he takes his time looking me over to make sure I’m all right.
His gaze lingers on my black eye and the spidery purple bruise under my jaw. He seems to tense with every injury he sees, and I have to look away.
Being in his compartment reminds me of the time we kissed to throw Constance off the trail, and the memory wraps itself around me like a warm blanket.
The compartment is exactly as I remember it, though it’s somehow even cleaner. Eli’s crisp boy smell lingers in the air. The surfaces of the sleek, industrial furniture are completely devoid of any clutter. His computer is powered down, and I’m relieved that the blinking red light near the camera is conspicuously absent.
The bed looks as though I could bounce a quarter off the tightly tucked charcoal blanket, and my insides tingle at the thought of him tossing me onto that bed.
My breath comes a little faster, and I feel the flush creeping up my neck.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“Yeah . . .” I say, forcing myself to meet his gaze. “Thanks to you.”
“Don’t thank me,” he mutters, stepping back and eyeing me with a haunted expression. “I almost didn’t make it in time.”
“But you did.”
I don’t understand why he’s acting so weird. He’s got a crease in his brow and looks as if he’s carrying the weight of the world on those shoulders. “I’m okay. Everything’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.”
I swallow to keep myself from snapping at him — from shaking him to get him out of this funk. But his agitation just confirms what I came here to tell him. Wallowing in my own fear and guilt about Celdon, I hadn’t even considered the constant stress Eli has been under trying to keep me alive.
“We need to leave the compound,” I say. “Tonight.”
Eli swallows thickly and nods once.
His silence is confusing. I thought he’d be relieved to hear me say that. I thought he’d fly to his closet and start stuffing clothes into his rucksack. But he just closes his eyes. “I have to tell you something.”
“Okay . . .”
I have no idea where this is going, but the muscle working in Eli’s jaw is making me worry. He swallows, and his gaze bounces from the wall behind me to the ceiling before finally meeting my eyes. His expression is so full of sadness and guilt it hurts my heart.
“I can’t . . . come with you.”
His words wash over me, and it takes me several seconds to process them. When my brain finally catches up, my stomach drops out from under me. “What?”
He shakes his head. “I’m so sorry, Harper. I know we had a plan.”
“Yeah. We did. Why are you backing out on me?”
I want to smack myself for sounding so weak in that moment, but I can’t help it. I never saw this coming.
“It’s complicated . . .” He runs a hand through his short hair and looks a little lost. “Before our last deployment, I thought I was all alone. My family was
dead. There was nothing left for me here. But then we found Owen, and . . .”
Of course. Owen. I should have known. Every thought I’d had of convincing him to come with me blows away in an instant. I could never ask him to pick me over his brother.
“I’ve spent the last thirteen years thinking about what it would be like if he were still alive. I’d imagine what he looked like all grown up . . . if he’d be in Recon like me.” Eli swallows, and his eyes are so full of hope it takes my breath away. “Seeing him alive . . . it was like a gift . . . I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t have to,” I whisper. And I mean it. Of all the reasons to back out of his promise, this is the only one I can’t argue with.
“The other compound is hundreds of miles away. If I go with you to 119, I’ll never see him again.”
“I know.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I shake my head, trying to unstick my throat so I can speak. “What are you going to do? Jayden still wants you dead.”
His expression hardens at the mention of Jayden. “I can handle her.”
“How? You saw what she was willing to do to get rid of me. She already arrested you. What’s she going to do when she gets bored sending you out into the Fringe?”
“I’ll be careful. I still plan on coming eventually. I . . . I’ve sent an appeal to 119 to consider bringing Owen into the compound.”
“You did what?”
Panic flashes through me. I didn’t know it was even possible to contact another compound’s leadership, but Eli doing so is tantamount to admitting to treason. Colluding with a drifter is illegal, and spending the night on his couch is definitely grounds for life in the cages.
“I just told them I suspected my brother was still alive . . . in hiding.”
“How did you even contact them?”
Information, the board, and certain Operations workers can message other compounds to coordinate supply shipments and gather news, but most civilians have no way to contact them.
“Celdon helped me,” he says with a small smile. “He’s scary good at overriding security.”
I choose to ignore the fact that he dragged Celdon into yet another illegal mission and focus instead on his crazy plan. “Do you think Owen would even come to 119? He hates the compounds.”
“I don’t know. Maybe for me. I have to try.”
“Right,” I say, willing myself not to cry. But I can feel the tears blazing in my throat, and it’s tough to look at Eli.
“Hey.” Eli reaches out and tugs at my chin, forcing me to look at him. “With or without Owen, I’m going to follow you there.”
“You have to,” I say thickly. “If you don’t leave this place, Jayden will kill you. It’s only a matter of time.”
“I know that,” he says in a soft voice. His calmness is making my near hysteria seem even more ridiculous. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes now and yank my chin out of his grasp so he won’t see.
“Hey . . . Harper.” He puts his hands on my shoulders and pulls me back to look at him, concern and regret etched in those beautiful eyes. “It’s all going to work out.”
I nod, but I’m really just trying to pull myself together. These last few weeks have made me an emotional wreck.
I force myself to get a grip. I don’t need Eli. I was on my own before Bid Day, and I was fine. I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it my whole life.
But Eli looks conflicted now, as though he’s teetering on the edge of indecision. “Maybe if we leave the compound, we’ll get placed in another section. Maybe . . . maybe things could be different.”
“What things?” I ask, a little annoyed that he’s dragging this out. I just want to rip off the bandage and leave so the pain will subside.
He doesn’t answer me right away. Instead, he grasps my face between his warm, rough hands and captures my lips with his.
The feeling of his mouth on mine is so shocking it takes me several seconds to react.
Eli doesn’t mind. He tastes me slowly at first, as though he’s trying to commit me to memory.
Then I finally realize what’s happening, and a dam breaks somewhere inside me. Everything I’ve been feeling spills out, and I throw it all into that kiss.
When I respond, his lips grow more demanding, and he kisses me as though he’s been slowly starving himself for days.
That’s when the wall between us starts to crumble. Suddenly Constance doesn’t exist. Jayden doesn’t exist. It’s just us.
I reach out and grab the neck of his shirt, pulling him closer. He makes a noise of surprise in the back of his throat and locks one arm around my waist, pulling me off my feet a little and holding me flush against him.
The added weight on his injured leg sends us both crashing into the wall, but that doesn’t deter him. The hand cradling my face works its way to my hair and then skims down my back, over my hip, and back up my side. He doesn’t miss anything.
He yanks his lips away, and I immediately want them back. But then his mouth finds my neck, and every muscle in my body tightens.
It doesn’t take long for him to grow impatient and find my lips once again. Every inch of him is pressed up against me, and a slow burn starts to spread across my skin.
My feet are still dangling a little, but I squirm down to the ground so I can touch him. As my hands drift down his hard chest and abs, I have to fight the urge to unbuckle his belt and shove him onto the bed.
He seems to be reading my mind, because his kisses become even hungrier, and he starts to move me in that direction. With one of his arms still locked around my waist, we pitch backward, and my head hits the pillow.
My stomach tightens, and his hand freezes halfway up my shirt. A smile cracks his face, just inches from my mouth.
“If I get you in my bed, it’s all over for me,” he says in a rough voice.
“I’m already in your bed.”
“Yeah, but if we . . .” He tilts his head. “I might just tell Owen to go to hell, because there’s no way I’d be able to let you leave without me.”
Disappointment washes over me as Eli climbs off and pulls me back up. He leaves his hand wrapped around my arm, and we both stand frozen for several seconds, staring at each other.
“Please tell me you’ll come,” I whisper. “Eventually.”
He doesn’t answer. He just touches the side of my face once more and kisses me softly, wrapping a strand of my hair around his fingers.
This time I know it’s a legitimate goodbye.
Feeling a little shaky, I pull out of his arms and cross the room to his computer. I boot it up and slowly log in to my account.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Transferring money to your account for the ticket.”
But when I pull up my account statement, a brick drops into my stomach. As I scroll down the list of transactions, I realize a few are conspicuously absent.
“Are you sure Miles transferred that money to my account?” I ask.
“Yeah. Why?”
“It isn’t here,” I say indignantly. I scroll down farther, trying to contain the panic building inside me. “Neither is the money from my fight or Sawyer’s bet.”
“What?”
“There are no deposits, no withdrawals — no record of the transactions at all.”
“That’s impossible.”
But we both know it isn’t. If Constance can use our interfaces and computers to spy on us, surely they can access our financials.
In a flash, he’s reading the statement over my shoulder — looking for any trace of my missing credits.
Eli’s face goes dark when the realization hits him, and he closes his eyes in frustration. “This is all my fault.”
“How is it your fault?”
He lets out a frustrated growl. “That day . . . in the medical ward . . . Miles must have had his interface on him. I never checked. I didn’t know they were watching him, so I just started talking, and . . . Constance co
uld have heard everything.”
Eli swears and pulls me to my feet. He drags me out of the room toward the training center, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they aren’t recording us from his computer. He’s gripping my hand firmly, as though he’s forgotten he’s supposed to hide what’s going on between us. We fly into the training center, and he slams the doors behind us.
“Harper, you have to get out of here.”
“But the money —”
“It doesn’t matter. You still have to go — on the next train.”
“What about you?”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be right behind you.”
I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. “Okay. But —”
“You’re going to have to sneak onto the cargo train.”
I open my mouth to protest, but he cuts me off. “Better a refugee in 119 than dead. Besides, you have some money left. You can rent a compartment outright and appeal for an emergency placement.”
I look around desperately, trying to think of another option. But there isn’t one. Constance has worked very hard to make sure I don’t go anywhere.
If I want to escape, I’m going to have to run.
twenty-six
Harper
It’s amazing how much of a life fits into a rucksack. Other than my computer and lots of clothes, I don’t have much to my name.
Celdon meets me at my compartment around twenty-two hundred, dressed in dark blue pants and a thin maroon sweater. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him out of his white Systems uniform, but he probably won’t be placed in Systems where we’re headed.
I’ve traded my Recon fatigues for black pants, boots, and my favorite jacket. Part of me feels like a traitor for leaving my gray fatigues folded neatly in my closet, but I’m hoping to be someone entirely new at 119.
A few minutes later, there’s a soft knock at my door. It’s Eli, and he looks a little more in control than he did the last time I saw him. His eyes widen when he sees me, but he no longer has that wild, hungry look.
“It’s time,” he says. “They’re loading the cargo now.”
“Okay.”
“Remember what I said: Wait until they’re done unloading at 119. They’ll board the train, and you run like hell.”