Something Found

  Emily was still feeling the effects of the weekend. Being around Orla was interesting. It brought out parts of herself she’d put away recently. She was looking forward to having a job of her own again and a life outside of Collin. Something she could share with him but that was hers. Her conversation with Joseph was still with her as well. And Orla’s hints about Collin’s other talents. Emily was beginning to feel like she was involved in a tug of war that had more than two sides. She wasn’t sure where to focus her energy. Joni and Kevin were somewhere out there on the peripheries as well. But she knew for a fact that until she dealt with the issues from her past she wouldn’t be much use to herself or Collin in figuring out their future.

  “I don’t know how to talk to her.” Emily concentrated on the space in front of her, feeling for the first time in days that she really needed Jeremy.

  He appeared sitting cross-legged on the floor. There was no argument from him this time. He was calm and patient with her. “I don’t think she knows how to talk to you either,” he said. He was leaning back on his hands. His body relaxed, his words spoken softly. “But that doesn’t change the fact that she wants to talk to you. This needs to be done Emily or you’ll never move on. You have so many more things to come. You can’t be continuously haunted by the past.”

  Emily’s lips twitched in amusement when he used the word haunted. And then she felt sad. She realized that she would eventually make peace with her mom. It was time and they were both ready for it. But when she did it would also be time to let go of Jeremy. She was already letting go. That process had started on Inis Mor. But the idea of finalizing that scared her. “It’s still hard,” she moaned, focusing on the problem at hand.

  “Stop thinking about it and pick up the phone. You think too much. Don’t make yourself more nervous than you need to be.” His voice, while calm, contained the same sadness she felt. He was also aware she was moving past him.

  Emily closed her eyes and tried to push everything out of her head. She listened to the stillness of the room and let it creep into her. When she opened her eyes again Jeremy was gone. Without letting her brain register what she was doing her fingers moved to lift the receiver and started dialing.

  “Hello. Emily?” Her mom answered on the first ring.

  “Yeah, it’s me, Mom.”

  There was a pause and then Emily’s mother continued. “Emily, I know this is hard for you, even calling to talk to me about things.”

  “Yeah. It is,” she agreed, her voice coming out more somber than she’d intended. “But I need some answers.”

  “I know you do darling.”

  The endearment hit Emily as something unexpected. Her mother didn’t use them often, at least not with her.

  “I’ve decided to make it easier for you. After you called this morning I was too distracted to work. I told them I was sick. I’m actually at home now.”

  “Mom, that’s not like you at all.” Emily was struck with mild disbelief. “I think I’ve seen you take one sick day in your whole life and even then Aunt Carolyn made you do it.”

  “I know. But this is important. I’m writing you a letter. I’m almost done with it actually. And I’ll mail it out today. I’ll get it out to you as quickly as possible.”

  There was a pause and her mother’s voice faltered. “I hope I’m doing the right thing.” It was weird for Emily to hear her mother’s always-decisive voice sounding confused. “There are things we need to talk about, I know. But some things might be better to read than to hear. It’ll give you the time you need to think about them. Then call me, or write to me if you’re more comfortable with that. And then we can talk.”

  Her mother’s voice trailed off into silence and Emily found her own was caught in her throat.

  “Emily. I hope you’re not mad at me about this. I just thought-.”

  “No Mom.” She fought off the numbness that had taken over since she’d lifted the receiver. There were too many emotions involved for any of them to win dominance. Instead they cancelled each other out. But finally Emily felt peace settle inside her. Her mom was trying to make this as easy as possible for her. “Actually I really appreciate it.”

  “I promise if this letter doesn’t answer all the questions you have you can call me and I’ll answer anything else you have to ask. We need to settle this Emily. We need to get to know each other. I don’t want it to be too late. I love you. I know I did a bad job of showing it, but I always loved you.”

  “I love you too Mom.” The truth of those words sank in for the first time in her life, but she wasn’t able to elaborate on them. “I’ll be looking for the letter. I’ll write or call as soon as I get it.”

  The room felt too quiet when Emily hung up the phone. Instinctively she thought of Jeremy but he didn’t seem like enough. She wanted real people around her, real voices, and real distractions. She picked up the phone again.

  It rang five times before it was answered. “Hello?”

  “Collin?” His voice sounded thick and there were background noises Emily didn’t recognize. “Where are you?”

  “I’m in a bar Emily. Where the hell else would I be with my drinking problem? I wouldn’t want to upset your perfect analysis of me.”

  His words stung. He’d never been so intentionally cruel. She was speechless on her end of the line.

  “Look, don’t wait up for me because I’ll probably be home late. And yes drunk.”

  Emily hung up the phone and pushed it as far away from her as she could, wanting to push away what had just happened. She wasn’t sure who it was on the other end of the line but that had not been the man she thought she’d married.

  Collin still held his phone to his ear waiting for her to yell at him, waiting for what he deserved. Silence was not what he’d expected and it scared him.

  “Shit.”

  “Who’d you piss off now?’ Kevin asked taking a seat next to him at the bar.

  Collin’s eyes narrowed angrily. “None of your business.”

  “Right. Of course. God forbid you tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

  The bar tender approached and Kevin noted that Collin was drinking Guinness and that it was low. “Two Guinness.” Then he turned calmly back to face his brother.

  “Emily,” Collin said sullenly. “I’ve pissed off Emily. I’ve just been a complete langer to her and she didn’t deserve it.”

  “Then call her back.”

  Collin shook his head. “No. She deserves to be angry. I deserve her to be angry with me.”

  “Why, so you can wallow in more self-pity?”

  A smart answer was on the tip of his tongue but Collin bit it back instead. “Yes.”

  “You know Collin I’m really getting sick of this shit. I’m getting sick of all of it. We all lost our mam you know. And we’ve all had to deal with it. And we’ve all had to find our own way.”

  Collin tried to interject but Kevin was only getting started. “Not all of us got to have a breakdown though and have Dad pay for us to go to a different country.”

  That took Collin by surprise. He hadn’t seen that one coming. He’d never even considered how that might have affected his siblings.

  “Some of us took responsibility for ourselves. We learned to make things work for ourselves. I really thought that was what you were starting to do when you met Emily. She’s a nice girl with her head on her shoulders. And she has the patience to deal with your moods. But now it looks like you’re going to go and fuck that up too.”

  “Jesus Christ Kevin, I don’t fuck everything up! I may not be as perfect as you but I can do some things right. In fact I’m actually very good at some things. I am a good husband most of the time. And I’m a good accountant as well. Better than you.”

  “And you’re good at being a langer too.” There was a hint of laughter in Kevin’s voice as he used the insult that only really had meaning in Cork.

  Collin was ready to bark back a retort until he saw the smile break across h
is brother’s face. He had to reign the angry words back in, which in his intoxicated state wasn’t easy. “Yes,” he said when he had control of his speaking facilities again, “actually I am.”

  The stouts arrived and Kevin moved to pay for them and then gave the pint his full attention. He watched patiently as it settled and then eventually took a sip. When he looked back at Collin he still had a slight amount of foam at the corners of his lips.

  “Collin I know you’re a good accountant. I’ve told you that a hundred times before. Not that it ever registers. And it’s not that you’re not a good salesman, although you aren’t as good as me, it’s that you don’t want to be a salesman. And watching you torture yourself on a daily basis isn’t exactly fun for me.”

  Collin was listening but he couldn’t help gesturing to his lips. Kevin’s partial foam mustache was distracting him.

  Kevin wiped it away nonplussed and continued on. “I went over what you did on the computer after you left. I wanted to make sure you didn’t fuck anything up in your bad mood. But you didn’t.”

  “I know I didn’t.”

  “In fact you’re very good at organizing the books. It’s because of you that I’m able to experiment with trying different styles of furniture. Because you let me know just how much we can afford to experiment. I hate looking at the numbers. And I’ll admit that. But I know it needs to be done. Why can’t you just say that you hate being on the floor and let me deal with that? Why do you feel the need to punish yourself?”

  “Because I don’t want to let Dad down,” Collin’s anger returned. “He’s been through enough. I want him to know he can count on us to take things over. I want him to be happy.”

  “And you think having him watch you go into work miserable makes him happy? Why are you so stubbornly stupid sometimes?”

  Collin took a sip of his own Guinness and smiled bitterly. “Because I’m good at that too.”

  “Collin I don’t want to keep struggling with working with you. I hate going in not knowing if we’re going to be friends or if you’re going to look at me like the enemy.”

  “Am I really that bad?”

  “Yes, actually, you are. And it stays with you outside of work as well so that I never know what to say to you.”

  “I’m sorry Kevin. I just get so caught up in my own shit sometimes.”

  “I know. You and Joni are both like that. You both have these huge hearts but sometimes they’re too big and I think it’s easier for you to shut people out than allow yourselves to be hurt. You want to do things for everybody else but you hate having people do things for you.”

  “I never thought you noticed things like that. You always seemed so independent from the rest of the family.”

  “That’s because it’s so hard breaking into your relationship with Joni. You two are exclusive without even realizing it. Paul and I used to talk about it.”

  “Wha?” Collin was stunned to hear these things. It was one thing to think Kevin felt this way but to hear that his younger brother Paul did too hurt.

  “Yes. Only he used to say it was harder on me. Being the baby everyone worried over him. But none of you know that last year Paul had to be hospitalized for taking too many Es.”

  “What?!”

  “Yeah. I got that phone call because he didn’t want to worry Dad and he knew you and Joni would freak out about it. I was the calm practical one that got to go up and see the damage done to my baby brother by all the ecstasy he’d taken. And I’m the one who calls him every week now making sure he’s got his shit together.”

  “I never knew . . . .”

  “No. And you shouldn’t know now. But he’s doing fine. Look Collin I’m just sick of whatever it is that’s between us. It’s got to end. We play the part of good brother’s but we both know it’s an act and I hate it.”

  “I’m sorry.” Collin was drunk and he felt sorrier than he could put into words. “I’m really sorry.”

  “Good.”

  “Kevin I never meant . . . . I mean I just never knew . . . .”

  Kevin smiled at the tormented expressions that passed across his brother’s face. “That’s because you’re an idiot like I said.”

  “I know.”

  “Good thing I still love you.”

  “You must be one patient son of a bitch.”

  “I’m an angel actually. The best one in the family. It’s time you all realized it.”

  Collin couldn’t remember the last time he and Kevin had sat and had a beer on their own together, but he knew it was sometime before he’d started at the furniture store.

  “Look, let’s just have one more pint. Then let me take you home. Tomorrow we’ll sort out some other arrangement for work, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Robert answered the door when Emily arrived and she plastered a pleasant smile across her face. He greeted her warmly, taking the bags from her arms. “You really didn’t need to go to all the trouble of bringing food.”

  Emily followed Robert into the house. “I don’t mind. It’s easier than offering to cook you a meal, that would be a disaster,” she joked, hoping she sounded natural.

  Robert chuckled and she felt a little better. “Oh. And wine. It gets better and better.”

  After her conversation with Collin Emily had sat on the couch feeling lost. How could this have happened? Collin had never treated her badly before. He’d never even intimated that this type of behavior was in him. She’d staked everything on the kind of man she thought he was only to find herself sitting alone in a house in Ireland feeling abandoned.

  Then something kicked in and Emily pulled herself back together. Whatever the hell Collin was up to she knew he’d regret it. She’d married him and that meant it was up to her to stick by him, but that didn’t mean waiting around patiently for the asshole to arrive home. She found it irritating that the only person she could think of to call was his sister but was thankful that at least there was someone.

  Joni appeared and whisked the bottle of wine out of Robert’s hands. “This is for the movie, so don’t get any funny ideas.”

  “It’s no problem,” Emily reassured them quickly. “I brought two. You know, just in case.” Emily felt it was only fair. If Collin was out getting drunk she was entitled to do the same.

  “A woman after my own heart,” Robert said, pulling out the other bottle.

  “Oh. Right.” Joni looked embarrassed as she put down the snatched up wine. “We can have one with dinner then. And where did you say Collin was?” she asked changing the topic.

  Emily hadn’t said anything about Collin. She’d enticed Joni into having her over by offering to bring over a chick-flick and dinner, saying they could sit around and be girly together with the promise of no deep conversation. It was a promise she intended to keep. “He’s out, I think with a couple friends from school.”

  “And you didn’t join them?”

  “No. Let the boys be boys,” Emily said as casually as she could manage.

  Joni seemed pleased with this answer and Emily was grateful to move on to another subject. “Will I get the wine opener?” she offered. But her voice was drowned out.

  “Who’s here?!” Leah shouted down the stairs. Then the mayhem began as a screaming wail emanated from a plastic walkie-talkie on the table.

  “Welcome to the fun Emily,” Joni said with a tight-lipped smile.

  “Do you want to get the bottle ready or check the nappy?” Robert asked.

  “Which do you think?” Her smile dropped altogether as Joni stared back at her husband.

  Robert chuckled good-naturedly. “Right. I’ll check the nappy.”

  Leah bolted into the room as her father headed out. Making a b-line for the guest she crashed into Emily’s legs in her haste to get a hug. Emily picked her up, surprised by the weight of her. “Uff, you’re getting big Leah.”

  “I know,” she agreed. “What smells good?”

  “I brought Chinese.”

  Leah’s face li
t up.

  “So if you’ll just let me put you down you can show me where the plates are and I can get the table ready.”

  “I’ll get it,” Joni said. Her hands were already full holding a bottle and a jug of milk.

  “No Joni. It’s no problem. I knew what I was getting into, well kind of, when I asked to come over. I can at least help.”

  “The plates are in there.” Joni pointed to one of the cupboards. “The cutlery is in there.” She pointed to a drawer. “And the wine glasses are in there.” She pointed to another cupboard. “That’s one thing you still need to learn about the Irish, we may say no when help is offered but it’s always apprecieted.”

  “Right. I’ll try to remember that.” Emily was already feeling a little better being surrounded by the commotion of the family. It distracted her from her own problems.

  Robert came down with Owen in tow as the food was being dished up. He took the bottle Joni gave him and settled in at the table to start the feeding. “So what movie did you get?”

  “Two Weeks Notice. It’s got Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant in it.”

  “Like Sandra, not so sure about Hugh.” Robert made the same face Collin did when it came to the subject of Hugh Grant. It made Emily smile and then seize up with an uncomfortable wave of sadness.

  “But I think I’ll leave you two ladies to the movie.”

  Emily understood that there were things about Robert and Joni that she didn’t know, but she couldn’t help finding him to be very amiable. At the moment he was looking a lot better than her own husband. She liked the way Robert always seemed calm. He dealt with Joni’s moods without much of a ruffle.

  Joni prepared the rest of Owen’s food and put it in front of Robert.

  It amazed Emily how well they had the whole routine down. They barely spoke to each other as they organized the kids.