Something Found

  Emily had something else on her mind to discuss with Orla when they were both back in the shop. Orla seemed to know everything about Collin’s family and she was easier to talk to about them. There was less chance of offending her.

  “Orla,” she said from behind the till, after a few customers had strolled in and eventually left.

  Orla was reorganizing one of the shelves. “Yeah.”

  “Was there always tension between Collin and Kevin?”

  Orla stopped what she was doing. “Why? Is it still that bad?”

  “No, no, no,” Emily reassured her. “Collin’s become a completely different person over the course of a few days. He and Kevin really got into it on Monday and I think they both finally got some things off their chests. I was just wondering how long it’d been going on, that’s all.”

  “Their whole lives.” Orla shook her head as she turned back to face the shelf. “But I suppose it got worse after their mam. Kevin’s,” she searched for the right words, “well, he’s just different from the rest of the family.” Then she turned back to face Emily again. “The rest of them are a lot more laid back. He’s motivated in a different way. It causes some tension, but I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s his fault.”

  “I just hope this new peace will last between them.”

  “If they’re finally working things out that’s great. It’s been needed for some time,” Orla agreed. “It’s not just Kevin by any means though. Collin can be pigheaded too. Actually I’d say it runs in the family. But he’s a grown man and it’s up to him to decide how things are going to turn out for him. He blames things on Kevin that aren’t Kevin’s fault.”

  “My husband? Pigheaded? Never!” Emily laughed. “Why he’s a perfect angel.”

  “Right. And Brendan is king of the fairies.”

  Chapter 13

  Emily had pushed her mother’s letter out of her mind after hanging up the phone with her considering the situation out of her hands for the moment. She’d done her part and that was all she could do. But then, very quietly Friday afternoon, the letter dropped through the mail slot to land in their front hall.

  Possibly it lay there for a couple hours before Emily passed and noticed it. It was under a bill and an ad for Domino’s pizza. She picked them all up sorting through them on the way to the kitchen. She froze for only a second when she recognized the American stamps. Then she placed it on the table with the rest of the mail and moved away from it. She wasn’t ready.

  She tried to finish folding the laundry but her hands were too unsteady. She looked at the small pile of dishes to be done and knew that was an even more laughable idea. She’d end up breaking every single one of them.

  No matter how much she wanted to ignore it, the only thing in the world that existed for her was the envelope and the waiting letter within it. Emily considered taking it upstairs and burying it under her pillow. With it out of sight she might be able to forget it. But it was Friday and once Collin came home in the evening she wouldn’t have another chance to be alone with it until Monday. She knew she couldn’t wait that long.

  Approaching the table warily Emily caressed the sticker with her mother’s address. Her finger ran over the precise writing in black ink that spelled out her own name and address. She could see the faintest hint of where her mother had started to write a B for Brennan instead of an R for Ryan. It would’ve been the first time her mom had to write that out.

  With careful fingers Emily carried the letter to the couch. She needed to brace herself for whatever was coming. She’d honestly thought she’d rip the letter open as soon as it arrived. But it was different when it was sitting in front of her. When all the answers to all the questions she’d been asking her whole life were sitting in the palm of her hand. It was something she would’ve killed for when she was younger, when she was starving for her mother’s love and wondering who her father was. But Emily no longer believed there were solid answers to all her old questions. Who could really say what the truth was? She was more afraid of the new questions it would bring.

  Emily’s hands shook but she eventually managed to open the envelope and unfold the letter. She was surprised to find that it was hand written. Whenever her mother wrote Christmas cards or letters to friends she always typed them. Emily was even more surprised to flip through quickly and find four pages with scattered tear marks throughout. She’d been focused on how hard it might be for her to read it. She hadn’t considered how hard it was for her mother to write it.

  Her head popped up and she sought the comfort of Jeremy. She wanted him close, sitting next to her on the couch. She wanted him to reach out and hold her the way he used to when she was a scared little girl. But of course that was impossible. She’d always known to put limitations on what she wanted from him. From the beginning she’d known that. Why was she trying to push those boundaries now?

  Dear Emily,

  Already that sounds too formal for what I want to say. But then I’m not exactly sure what it is I want to say. I wish I could do things all over again. Take you into my arms as the little girl you were and make everything right for you. But I can’t. All I can do is apologize and explain belatedly. I want to be able to find the words to let you know how sorry I am for messing things up so much. And to let you know how much I really do love you.

  I guess it’s best to start at the beginning. You deserve to know how it all began. I should have told you years ago. I never should have kept it a secret, kept it a mystery, to grow in your mind.

  When I was nineteen-years-old I was taking a secretarial course in Michigan. You know that part. I was happy Emily. I had friends. I used to go out. You’d never guess it, but I like to think I had some kind of wild times. At least I used to know how to laugh. That was the same year I met your father, Mathew.

  Emily could tell there was a pause in the writing. Her mother’s straight up and down letters began to ramble a little more across the page.

  Honestly, he was a handsome man, charismatic, and funny. It’s hard to think back to, but he was. He made me brave just by the way he looked at me. He could light a room with his smile. The same way you can when you want to. You have his eyes too, so full of expression. But his hair was blond and his face was rounder than yours. All the girls liked him. And when he said he loved me I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I know these are all things you should already know. I should have told you when you were young before it ever had a chance to become difficult. But it still hurt too much to talk about. I was selfish, sparing myself the pain.

  We dated for two years. I thought I knew him. I thought we were meant to be. It just seemed so natural, so right. I could see the future for us. It wasn’t anything big or amazing, just something simple and happy. I felt so safe in his arms, like nothing bad could ever happen to us. I never in a million years thought he would leave me.

  I had almost finished my course when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared but I thought everything would be alright. Even then Emily I knew that I wanted you. Before I knew if you were a boy or a girl I knew you were precious. I never doubted that.

  Mathew ( I’ll try not to refer to him as the bastard. That was never fair of me.) was scared when I first told him the news, but he seemed to get over it. He said we would get through it. He even went to the doctor with me for every check-up in the beginning. He started to think of names and described the house we’d have in years to come. He seemed to be excited.

  It wasn’t until the fifth month of the pregnancy that he started missing a few doctor’s appointments. He asked me to go with my sister instead. He said he was busy at work. I guess I knew deep down that something was wrong, but I didn’t want to admit it. I thought he just had the jitters that it would work itself out. He had said we’d get married, that he was just looking for the perfect little chapel. He even bought me a little ring and said he’d get me a bigger one as soon as we could afford it. But he never introduced me to his family. They all lived on the east coast. He said it wa
s too far while I was pregnant. And we stopped hanging out with most of his friends. When I stopped to think about it, which I tried not to do, I began to feel like a secret.

  It was during the seventh month that he disappeared completely. We weren’t living together yet. He kept promising we’d be married soon and then we’d do things properly. I know I should have put my foot down but every time I argued with him he got so upset. I hated seeing him that way. He said he’d find us the perfect apartment before you were born, but he was gone before that happened. He disappeared into thin air.

  The writing on the page was becoming more frantic and Emily could see the tearstains. Then suddenly it became clear and controlled and more legible again.

  I guess I could have tried harder to find him. Carolyn suggested it. But at first I was too distraught and I had my hands full with you. And later I just didn’t see the point. I couldn’t force him to come back to us.

  But there was one day, about two weeks after you were born, we’d moved in with Carolyn, and I got this phone call. When I answered nobody said anything. But I stayed on the line. I said his name and I heard him catch his breath. I must have stayed on that phone for a full five minutes listening to someone breathing. And then I hung up. I’m sorry about that Emily. I still feel guilty about it. Maybe if I’d stayed on the phone, found the right words to say, maybe he would have spoken, maybe I could’ve convinced him to come home. But I was tired and I was hurt and I was angry and I felt if I waited for him to speak one minute longer I’d go crazy.

  So that’s the beginning. And you came into the world with a mother who was angry most of the time and an aunt who was in mourning. And I was scared of you Emily. I loved you so much and you were so tiny and perfect but I didn’t feel that I deserved you. I felt like I’d already let you down. And some part of me thought you would leave me too. And I was so afraid to get attached to you because of it. I hate to admit it but that self-pity lasted for almost three years. I let myself get away with too much, feeling sorry for myself for too long instead of realizing what I had. And when I finally woke up and did realize what I had, an amazing daughter, you had already stopped trusting me.

  I tried Emily. I really did try, whether you saw it or not. But you were already so attached to Jeremy. Whatever I did you thought he did better. I know that sounds ridiculous, competing with an eight-year-old, but that’s how it felt. He was the one you went to when you were upset. He’s the one who bandaged your cuts and scared away the boogieman for you. And I couldn’t be angry about it. You two cared about each other so much. You already had something I never had. So I let him take care of you. He did such an amazing job of it. Of course I was there, I watched and I was ready to step in if you ever reached out for me, but it seemed like you never did. Maybe that’s just more self-pity though. I was working so hard then just trying to support us. I was tired a lot and not wholly there when I was home. I don’t blame you Emily. I know what happened was my fault. You were a child. You did what felt safe. But I didn’t know how to win you back. I still don’t. But I want to. Even though you live in Ireland now, I still desperately want you in my life in whatever way you’re comfortable with.

  I guess there’s more. There’s Jeremy’s death, which affected all of us. There’s meeting Hank and finding my own happiness, my own peace again. You always seemed happy for me about that. Distant, but happy. That meant a lot to me. I know you must have more questions. And you’re probably still very angry. But I’d rather have you yell at me than not talk to me at all. I want to get things right Emily. More than anything I want to get things right. I hope it’s not too late.

  Contact me in whatever way you’re most comfortable. I’ll be waiting.

  Love,

  Mom

  Tears were streaming steadily down Emily’s face by the time she came to the end of the letter. Hitting the pages they added to the marks her mother’s had left. But she wasn’t sure who she was crying for.

  She wanted to pick up the phone and call home instantly, to make everything right. She wanted to erase the past and start all over again. But she knew it wouldn’t be that easy. She had explaining to do as well. She was just as guilty as her mom in ways. She’d seen her mother trying and walked away from those attempts on many occasions, refusing to take any responsibility for her actions.

  Emily placed the letter in front of her as if it were something precious too fragile to touch. She cradled her arms around herself and let the pain emerge from all the hidden spots inside. She’d made so many mistakes. Even after Jeremy’s death she’d preferred his company to her mother’s. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. And if she wasn’t careful she’d do the same with Collin. She’d run away from too many things in her life, refusing to face up to her own role in them.

  Guilt washed over her. Things had to change.

  “I’m going to have to say goodbye to you,” Emily sobbed.

  She pictured him perfectly this time. It had been a while since she’d taken the time to painstakingly reconstruct him. She got the look in his eyes exactly right, the smile, the slouch when he sat, and the way he cocked his head to the side. She wanted to hold the memory of him to her. She didn’t want to let go. But it was time.

  “I feel mean doing it.” She said the words in a full speaking voice, unashamed of what she was doing. “I’m scared to let go of you because then I’ll start to forget and I don’t want to forget things. Once I start to forget it’ll be like you’re dying all over again. I feel untrue to you and you’ve always been true to me.” She couldn’t help this need to explain herself, to apologize. “But if I don’t let go I’ll always be back there living in our safe little world. And even if you were still alive I know we wouldn’t have that. We’d have moved on to other things that allowed for other people to enter in. Right now I don’t know how to let other people in fully and hold onto you. And I need Collin. I really need him to keep me grounded, to make things real. And I need my mom too.” Emily’s voice faded out as the tears took over.

  She held that last image of him with her eyes closed. It was the look he always gave her when she learned something new as a child. It was a mixture of pride and sadness. He had never meant for her to be a little girl forever, he’d always been the first to push her along the path to adulthood. He would’ve hated the thought that in the end he was the one holding her back.

  Emily held onto that look for as long as she could, her arms tightly wrapped around herself. Jeremy didn’t say anything to her because there was nothing left for him to say. She wouldn’t hear his voice again. She’d let go.

  An hour passed before Emily opened her eyes. She’d cried harder than she had the day of Jeremy’s funeral. She had more things to mourn this time, more things to let go of. Eventually she cried herself out and fell into a deep exhausted sleep.

  She pulled herself off the couch as if pulling herself out of a cocoon, unwrapping herself from the layers of blankets she’d taken shelter in. She’d managed to place her mother’s letter safely on the table before her complete breakdown and that was her new focus. She was determined and hopeful in a way she hadn’t been in years.

  After a brief stop to the bathroom to clean herself up she went in search of the stationary she’d bought in Chicago. Buying it had been her agreement to herself not to lose touch with people from home. But of course she had yet to even take the plastic off.

  She fixed herself a nice calming cup of tea and sat down at the kitchen table, pen in hand.

  It seemed like years had passed, going backwards in time and then forward again. Emily was surprised when she put down the pen and looked up to see the light in the room growing dim. She felt like she was coming out of a trance. The words had spilled out of her more easily than she’d imagined they could. She told her mother everything. She told her how she’d resented her, how she’d blamed her for making her father go away, and how hard it was to have a cousin five years older than her play the role of both her parents. Emily was more honest about
her emotions than she thought she could be. But she also told her mother that that was the younger Emily.

  Emily apologized for blocking her mother out, for knowingly choosing to hold Jeremy’s hand instead of hers, intending to cause pain. And she apologized for all of her teenage years, which had been such a mess of emotions she hadn’t been sure who she was mad at. Half the time her anger had been at Jeremy for leaving her and the rest of the time she divided her rage between hating the world for taking him away and her mother for not being able to take the pain away. Those were the years that she’d spent hiding in her room.

  She told her mother that it wasn’t until college, when she was able to escape the house and the memories and create a new life, be a new person, reinvent herself, that she’d found some peace. And she’d felt her mother’s life was better without her in it. Emily wanted her mother to be happy with Hank and she thought that as long as she was around she’d dampen that happiness. So she didn’t call, or write, or visit as much as she could have.

  And in some ways she loved Ireland because it gave her the same freedom that college had. Nobody knew anything about her past except what she told them. It was her chance to start again.

  But she didn’t want to lose her mother. That’s when the tears had started again. Emily knew that despite her contradictory behavior she needed her mom in her life. She hoped, now that they had both found some peace, that they could put the past behind them and start over.

  Emily showered and dressed mechanically. She’d gone through so many emotions in the one afternoon she didn’t have anything left inside her. But she knew she wanted to get the letter mailed. It was all that mattered. The tiny envelope seemed to contain her future in it and the sooner she slipped it into the postbox the sooner her new life could begin.

  It was only a five-minute walk to the green letterbox. She read the collection times and was disappointed to see that it wouldn’t be picked up until Monday morning but there was nothing she could do about it, the post office would already be closed.