“Devouring,” I countered.
“It’s the galaxy I’m concerned about you devouring, Cockroach. Not me or one of my siblings.”
“That’s not true. I’m young. Give me a few hundred thousand years and I’ll bet I could devour the whole bunch of you and not even pause to take a breath.”
“Yes, but you won’t.” He brushed his spirit-self against mine. “I have complete faith that you won’t do that.”
“You said once that you thought I was the one who would begin the apocalypse,” I reminded him.
He shrugged. “Look around you, Cockroach. This is the apocalypse by heavenly standards.”
He had a point.
“Either way, there is something that can kill an archangel. And I’m willing to bet there are other things you haven’t thought of that might be able to kill even a being as powerful as you.”
He smiled and shook his head. “These are humans we’re discussing. I’ll admit they’ve done a dismaying amount of damage with the gifts we angels gave them, but they are nowhere near advanced enough to come up with a weapon that would destroy an archangel.”
“Even with the help of elven magic?” I asked. “They’ve trained some powerful sorcerers. Couple that with human technology, and they might produce a weapon that would surprise even you.”
He thought about that for a moment. “I’ll take it under consideration because you’re concerned. I don’t think it’s possible, but I’ll bring it up in the next Ruling Council meeting and we’ll discuss.”
I rolled my eyes because I knew where this was going to end up. Gregory and his siblings had changed quite a big since I rolled into town, but they were still Angels of Order. There would be a committee formed and by the time they’d studied, discussed, and prepared a thousand-page report, there would be thousands of dead angels.
Oh well. I did my best to warn him. I’d try to convince the humans they didn’t need to go killing angels. I’d try to convince them to stick with a less lethal weapon. But at the end of the day, this really wasn’t in my hands—it was in the hands of the angels who made up the Ruling Council.
Chapter 13
The next day I went through my morning ritual of killing the undead animals milling about my front door. I’d checked my various wounds for rabies or something that might have turned the bitten into a zombie, but found nothing except the usual soup of bacteria that lives in dead flesh.
I had two appointments for the day and while the effects of the bullet Gareth’s guards had shot me with had worn off within an hour, I was still dealing the one I’d been hit with in Phoenix, so Lux dropped me off in Iceland then went to Harper’s for a playdate with his Nephilim buddy Austin.
Iceland totally rocked. Lava fields. Glaciers. Volcanos. Hot springs. Northern lights. I loved Iceland—except for the elves. During the elven exodus, a group had landed here, and unlike most other countries, the Icelandic folk welcomed their elven overlords with open arms. Within weeks, the elves ended up in high government positions. Humans fought over who would have the honor of hosting an elf in their home. The lucky ones fawned over their guests, preparing them special foods, redecorating to suit their tastes, even giving up most of their house and sleeping in the garage so the elves could have privacy in the rooms of their choice.
I hated it, but what could an imp do when the humans she wanted to save were absolutely happy under an elven thumb?
One thing I noticed straight away was that Reykjavik was clean. Iceland had always been pretty environmentally conscious with geothermal electricity and other green power sources, but this was like the pollution clock had been set back thousands of years. It was as if the country was immune to the whole climate change thing. Elves. They were really damned good when it came to manipulating the environment, and they never could tolerate the slightest bit of trash.
I walked into the conference room to see four elves huddled around the end of the table, looking at pictures on each other’s cell phones.
“Do you let him in the house?” one asked.
“I’ve been letting him sleep at the end of my bed,” the other replied with a sheepish smile. “I can’t help it. See how cute he is with those little round ears and floppy hair? He looks at me with those big blue eyes and I just can’t say no. I’ve even been feeding him scraps off my plate.”
“It’s not good to spoil them,” a third said.
“I’d spoil him, too. He’s soooo cute.” The fourth bent closer to better see the picture on the phone.
“He is adorable,” the first said. “When he’s old enough, I’d love to breed him to my Sadie. I’ll bet they’d have gorgeous offspring.”
The rest made approving noises, agreeing that the babies would be breathtaking. I walked around and peeked over their shoulders to see a picture of a dark-haired, light-eyed little boy of about ten on the first elf’s cell phone.
Fucking elves.
Another elf came in and the others scurried to their seats. I plopped down in a chair at the end and in a blink the table was filled with fruits and an assortment of beverages—no doubt in reusable and biodegradable bottles.
“Thank you, Iblis, for joining us today. I am the Prime Minister, Svelathia Lly. You may call me Prime Minister.”
She smiled benignly, waving a hand and sending a plate loaded with fruits my way. I bit into a strawberry and nearly swooned as the flavor hit my tongue. Elves were good at weather and growing things, even if they were total assholes.
“We invited you here because we want to let the Ruling Council know that from this day forward, Iceland will not accept any demon or angel on our shores that has not received prior approval.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say to that. Demons and angels were going to go wherever they wanted, approval or not. If Iceland was buying Blue Fire products, then those angels and demons would wind up dead, or in jail and stripped of their abilities. I’d spread the word, but that was all I could do.
“Applications for tourist visas and residency permits can be found on our website,” the Prime Minister went on. “Processing time at the moment is approximately two to three years.”
“Okay.” Again, other than spread the word, there wasn’t anything for me to do.
“We’re also forming an alliance with other like-minded, forward-thinking nations. We’re calling this alliance the Elven Union, not to be confused with the European Union. Henceforth we will be the EU in capital letters, and those other people will be the eu in lower case letters.”
Like that wasn’t going to be confusing as all hell. “Why don’t you call yourself the Fae Union instead? So the acronym is different.”
That would make them the FU, which in my mind would be just hysterical.
The Prime Minister wrinkled her nose. “We don’t include other fae in our alliance. They’re not welcome unless they go on the website and complete the appropriate paperwork, and even then I can assure you they will not receive approval.”
I wasn’t sure what the fuck elves had against other fae, but this had been a hatred stoked long before my time. From what Leaf had said the other day, it had begun before the war between the angels, before the angels had taken the elves under their wings.
“What countries are in the Elven Union?” I asked.
She named off Ireland, Norway, Sweden, Finland, the Netherlands, and France, then told me that the Ukraine and Poland were applying and some of the United Kingdom had expressed interest.
Damn it all. I couldn’t believe this. I’d busted my ass to keep the elves from enslaving the humans, and they were marching right into cages behind the pointy-eared pied pipers.
“What about England? Has the U.K. split over elves, or are they all in?”
The Prime Minister smiled. “England doesn’t want to be part of the EU or the eu. We’re working on some of the other countries in the UK, hoping to win them to our side.”
I left the meeting, wondering what Canada and Australia were going to say about this whole
thing. Someone else in the Ruling Council had the other UK countries for their meetings. At the next meeting, I’d need to find out if this was really true or if the elves were lying. No one really minded if they took over Iceland, but if this Svelathia Lly was telling the truth and they had enough countries to form a union, then we needed to think about what that meant for the world going forward.
I texted Gregory for a lift to my next meeting, hoping that there was a grace period in the no-angel-or-demon-Iceland policy. Then while I was waiting, I sat on a park bench without the slightest bit of graffiti or bird poop on it and called Terrelle.
“Don’t have a whole lot for you yet,” she announced. “I’m still working on things, and would prefer to give it to you all at once. Plus I wanted to confirm some shit. Humans lie worse than demons, you know.”
I did know. “Actually I wanted to ask if you know anything about the Elvish Union and which countries are currently or considering being in it.”
She laughed. “Fucking elves. That crap is coming out of Iceland. They took over the whole country. They treat the humans like they’re a bunch of spoiled pets. It’s worse than it was in Hel.”
I remembered the pictures in the boardroom and agreed. The humans here might not know they were slaves, but they were.
“So far the Elvish Union is a union of one. Iceland is the only country committed to the scheme. They’ve been talking it up, but the other countries aren’t all that keen on having fae run their government or their lives. Svelathia Lly can say whatever she wants, but no one’s buying. Unless the elves can prove some serious advantage to having them at the helm, no one besides Iceland is going to be coming to their little party.”
That was a relief.
“Can I add a few things to your list if you’ve got time?” I asked. “Keep your ear to the ground on this Elven Union thing. Let me know if anyone seems like they might be leaning toward joining.”
“Will do, boss!”
I hung up and contemplated the extreme cleanliness of the park as I waited for Gregory. What would happen if I littered? Stuck some chewed up gum under the bench? Drew a penis on the statue of the elven Prime Minister? Would I get fined? Arrested? Shot with one of those guns that no one was supposed to have yet?
I decided against pushing my luck and played solitaire until Gregory came to pick me up.
* * *
I didn’t remember much about my meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister because he was fucking hot and charming, and I spent our whole meeting envisioning what he’d be like in the sack. I think he’d said everything was fine. Everyone in Canada all got along with the shifters. They all got along with the demons. They all got along with the angels. No, there weren’t any elves in their government, but he’d assured me that if one ran for office and was democratically elected, they’d welcome them just as they would a human. Just before I left, I remembered to ask him if they had any contracts with Blue Fire for weaponry or defense shit.
He’d replied that they were not so rude as to go shooting at guests in their country, or their own citizens who might occasionally turn into animals.
Which basically meant Canada was turning a blind eye to everything going on at the moment. Nothing to see here. Everything is fine. Good. That was one less country I needed to worry about. Maybe if the US started deporting angels, Canada would take them in.
Gregory picked me up and dropped me at home with a bottle of maple syrup, and a stuffed moose wearing a Mounty hat that I’d bought for Lux, then took off to take care of business. I felt bad for him having to haul me around everywhere when he had his own shit to do. It was inconvenient for me. It was inconvenient for him. I fucking hoped Terrelle figured out how to reverse this thing completely or I was going to need to fess up and ask the other archangels to take turns taxiing me around.
Lux wasn’t home, which didn’t particularly alarm me even though Harper was supposed to have dropped him off hours ago. When I’d first brought him here from Hel, he’d killed himself a few times every day. Luckily he was very good at recreating his human form, but I hadn’t wanted to take chances, especially when a run-in with the chipper/shredder in my barn nearly left him dead-dead, so for months Lux had babysitters.
Since I couldn’t convince any dwarves to apply for the job, Nyalla stepped up to take on the majority of the angel watching. So had Asta, Harper, Ahia, and Uriel. It really did take a village to keep a baby angel from offing himself.
Lux had learned quickly and now didn’t require quite the level of supervision he’d originally needed. Between Gregory, Nyalla, and I we ensured he wasn’t alone more than a few hours at a time. Unconcerned about his absence, I put the moose and syrup on the dining room table, made a sandwich, and headed out to visit the horses.
The three were out in the pasture, gorging themselves on grass. Boomer trotted over from the guest house, a bone in his mouth that I hoped was not from a graveyard. I ate my sandwich, petted my smelly hound, and thought about going for a ride with Lux later this week. I’d been worried after my meeting with Gareth, concerned that angels were going to end up filling prisons and cemeteries all over the world, but that Canadian Prime Minister made me feel I’d overreacted. There was no panic in Canada. Maybe I’d blown the whole thing out of proportion. Maybe all I needed to do was have Dar talk to his new bestie in the White House, reassure him that all was okay, and get Gareth to put the kibosh on the lethal weaponry part of project Woo-woo.
Brushing the crumbs from my hands, I gave Boomer a quick scratch behind the ears and headed back to the house. There were a few more meetings with world leaders to knock out and a handful of rings that still needed to be returned, then I could get on with the fun stuff in my life—like hiring strippers for Amber’s Bachelorette party, horseback riding with Lux, and convincing Little Red to take a massive dragon dump on top of my neighbors’ car.
The UPS truck was just pulling up as I walked through my living room. For a second I wondered what he was delivering, then I remembered my drunken internet shopping spree. I’d been inspired and pretty much bought out an entire sex shop worth of toys and novelty items.
Thankfully there were no more than four or five dead rats shambling around my driveway. The delivery guy ignored them and began unloading a lot of boxes from the back of the truck. I stood in the doorway and watched him, wondering if he would be interested in moonlighting as a stripper at a party. That brown uniform wasn’t exactly form fitting, but when he bent over to stack the boxes on my floor, I noticed he had a nice ass.
“Wanna get naked in front of a bunch of horny women for money?” I asked as I signed for the packages. “One’s a half succubus. You might even get laid.”
Before he had a chance to respond, my living room erupted into chaos. Lux appeared in a flash of light, screaming and running toward me. Unfortunately when he’d teleported, he’d somehow also brought a troll with him—a very pissed off troll.
The UPS man froze. I wasn’t sure if it was the little angel, or the troll, or the combination of the two that had fried his brain, but he was about to be squashed, so I shoved him aside and ran forward to confront the troll before he could attack either the delivery guy or Lux.
Correction, “she.” Of course it had to be a female troll. They were bigger than the males, stinkier, and far stronger. Before I could even think to summon my sword, I found myself lifted into the air and slammed back to the ground, WWE style.
I landed on top of the boxes, and one broke open, spilling fat, twelve inch long, bright green dildos across the floor. A huge fist came my way and I rolled, narrowly avoiding being crushed. Another box burst open and red vibrators rolled out. Some genius had thoughtfully put the batteries in them pre-shipment, and they began humming and bouncing around.
That startled the troll enough to buy me a few seconds of time. I got to my feet and summoned my sword, completely unsurprised when the thing appeared as one of the green dildos—two feet long, because clearly my sword had size issues.
> I had no time to think about how ridiculous I looked standing in my dining room holding a giant floppy green dildo because the troll recovered from her shock over the vibrators and grabbed for me. I danced out of the way, smacking her with the dildo-sword. It didn’t do one bit of good, and with the next grab, the troll had me. My insides squashed together as she tightened her fist around my waist and lifted me over her head.
“No! Ma! Bad troll!” Lux squealed. A vibrator bounced off the troll’s head. Then a pair of fur-lined handcuffs. Then Bobby the Blow-up Doll.
“Hey,” I yelled. “That doll was expensive. Throw the cheap stuff.”
I felt my ribs crack. Ignoring the pain, I continued to whack the troll with my dildo-sword. Lux didn’t have the best aim and I was getting hit by as many of the vibrators and BDSM toys as the troll. Just as I was about to be snapped in half, Lux whacked the troll across the thigh with a sparkly riding crop.
The troll screamed, and without thinking I plunged my dildo-sword into her open mouth as far as I could.
The troll had a very active gag reflex. She made a horrible noise and dropped me to the ground so she could clutch her throat, trying to cough the dildo-sword out. I fell, landing on top of Bobby, his realistic cock sliding between my thighs.
Wow, this thing was nice. Those ads weren’t lying. Curious, I reached down and flipped a tiny switch on Bobby’s side. His hips angled mechanically back and forth, rubbing the cock across my crotch. It felt amazing. I could only imagine how incredible this would be if I were naked.
I rode the blow-up doll for a moment while Lux continued to smack the troll with the crop. Picking up a vibrator, I switched it on high and wondered if I could get off with my jeans on. Probably.
A crash tore my attention from the sex toys to the troll, who was now on the ground and beginning to turn an interesting shade of blueish-brown. Damn. This was the second time this week I’d caused a near suffocation. What were the odds?
“Uh oh,” Lux announced, backing off on the beating he’d been delivering.
With This Ring: Imp Series, Book 11 Page 14