“Here.” I handed the spear to Lux and gripped the branch with both hands again. “When she gets within range, stab her.”
Lux swung the spear like it was a rattle. I let out an exasperated breath, wondering if it would just be easier to let go and deal with a few hundred broken bones. I glanced over my shoulder, noting that Lux’s wild flailing of the spear did seem to be keeping the witch at bay. Although time was on her side. I couldn’t hang here forever, and she certainly seemed to have no limit to her ability to float around mid-air.
“Give me my ring.”
I’d never given up anything that was mine. Never. But here I was hanging off the side of a cliff, contemplating doing just that. I wouldn’t have budged if the only consequence would have been my broken or dead body at the bottom of this cliff, but I couldn’t do that to Lux—not even over something given to me by my beloved.
“Maybe we can come to some sort of compromise,” I offered instead. “A shared custody sort of thing. Like you get to have the ring on alternate weekends, and for two weeks during summer break.”
The woman stared at me, outraged. “It is my ring.”
“Yes, but my fiancé gave it to me, and now I’m really attached to it.”
She shook her head. “Your fiancé gave you a stolen engagement ring? You knew it was stolen, and you still said yes?”
My hands slipped a little on the branch. “Yeah. I’m a demon, an imp. The first ring he ever gave me was still attached to the hand—severed from the body, of course. Otherwise it would have been kind of hard to FedEx. I’m not sure shippers do cadavers. Actually I’m not sure they’re supposed to ship severed hands either.”
Her mouth dropped open. “He cut off someone’s hand to give you a ring?”
“The hand was really the gift, not the ring. But severed limbs rot, and I wasn’t sure I could get it past security at the airport, so I kept the ring.” I gripped the branch tighter, hoping maybe she’d think she got off easy since she didn’t lose a hand and agree to my shared custody offer.
“It’s love,” Lux told her. “Rings are for love.”
“You are crazy,” the hag informed me. “And your fiancé is even more crazy.”
“I know.” I grinned. “That’s why I love him.”
She looked a bit taken aback at that. “But…it is mine. It was stolen, and I want it back.”
My hands slipped a bit more. “Isn’t that reproduction just as good?”
“No.”
My arms were killing me. “How about every other weekend and three weeks in the summer? I’ll even throw in Wednesday night so you can wear it out on dates if you ever get that crotch-rot taken care of, that is.”
The hag glanced down between her legs, then glared back up at me.
“I can heal,” Lux offered.
“No, he can’t,” I lied. I wasn’t letting Lux anywhere near that hag’s moldy beaver.”
“I can,” he insisted. “Heal hag. Swap rings every year.”
The woman hesitated. My hands slipped again, leaving me clinging to the very end of the branch.
“Okay, but only because you have a psycho romance story involving severed hands and stolen rings.”
The branch snapped. Lux resumed his strangle-hold on my neck as we fell. I tried to turn midair so I’d hit the boulders first, hopefully protecting the angel from dire injuries. The ground rushed toward me, then something changed. I felt a spark charging the air, like what happens the moment before lightning shoots across a storm-dark sky. My wings burst out and I swooped along the ground, a mere two feet away from the rocks below. I flew until I found a flat, grassy spot between the mountain and the forest, then landed, setting Lux on the ground beside me and rubbing my neck. The little angel had his wings out as well, and was dancing around in delight. The hag slowly descended like an oracle in a cheap production of a Greek play, smoothing her skirt once she was on solid ground.
Before I could protest, Lux danced over and punched her in the crotch. “Heal!”
The hag staggered backward, falling to the ground with her feet in the air. That left Lux and I with an unfettered view of her taco—which was a healthy pink and no longer looking as if bits might start falling off at any second. Huh. I was not interested, but I was pretty sure she might actually be able to get a date with a troll or a goblin now. Or a male hag, if they existed.
Or a female hag, if that’s the way she rolled.
The hag held out her hand with the reproduction ring in her palm. I grumbled a plethora of curse words as I yanked the engagement ring off my finger. We both handed the rings to Lux who mixed them up behind his back, then held two closed fists out in front of him.
“Pick.”
He’d instructed me to pick, no doubt because the hag would possibly know which was which even through his chubby little hands. I picked the left hand, because I always pick the left hand. Lux opened his fingers and the hag let out a frustrated huff, taking the other ring and jamming it on her finger.
“See you in a year, imp,” she told me.
“A year,” I lied.
Then she was gone, the forest was gone, the mountain was gone. Lux and I stood on a grassy meadow that seemed to go on forever. I dismissed my wings, jammed the ring back on my finger, then took Lux’s hand.
“I think that’s enough ring returns for the day. Let’s go home.”
“Pizza and movie?” the angel asked hopefully.
I squeezed his hand and smiled. “Pizza and movie.”
Chapter 15
This time there were more than rats, possums, and groundhogs shambling around the front of my house. Let me tell you now that zombie deer are pretty fucking creepy.
They didn’t hesitate to attack me. I grabbed Lux and he quickly teleported us inside the house. It was one thing for me to be mauled by decomposing undead. I didn’t want Lux to be scarred by that sort of thing.
The zombie animals didn’t go back to aimlessly walking around as I’d expected once we were inside. Instead they mounded up near the entrance to my house, clawing and biting at the wood. I grimaced, thinking I’d need to pressure wash to get all the gross rotting flesh off the door.
“Sam?” I turned to see Nyalla behind me, staring at the door wide-eyed. “I came home to those…things. There weren’t as many of them then. I drove over a few and managed to get inside the house before the rest of them came after me.”
“That’s why I wanted you and Lux to use the back door,” I told her.
“Well, I can’t exactly drive my car around back.”
I had a ton of shit to do with these stupid meetings, the rings, and the bachelorette party. But this was becoming a priority. Who the fuck had cursed me with dead animals, and how could I make it stop?
“I’ll go out and kill them. Wyatt said to smash their brains, and that seems to be working so far.”
“Wyatt? My brother knows about this? Are there half-dead animals outside his house, too?
I waved the question away. “No, I’m the only one cursed with zombie deer. And zombie rats, possums, and groundhogs. Until I figure out how to make this stop, you might want to carry a gun when you leave the house. Aim for the head.”
Nyalla came up beside me to look out the window. “What if they bite me?”
I snorted. “Then Gabe shows up and kills every last one of them.” The archangel was even more protective of Nyalla than I was. After taking care of my zombie problem, he’d probably roam the countryside, squashing the brains of every roadkill, just in case.
“No, I mean what happens to me? Do I turn into a zombie? Do I need to have a month of rabies shots?”
I had no idea. I remember Wyatt telling me to check my wounds and see if there was any rabies or something. At the time there had only been bacteria, but I wasn’t willing to stake mine, or Nyalla’s, life on that.
“I think it’s just a bite, although you’ll need some serious antibiotics afterward. I’m not absolutely positive though, so perhaps you should only lea
ve the house when someone can teleport you out.”
Nyalla scowled. “I’ve got a bunch of friends coming over to help fill the penis squirt guns for the bachelorette party. What am I supposed to tell them about the zombie deer in front of our house?”
I shrugged. “That there are zombie deer in front of our house and they should aim for their heads? I don’t know, Nyalla. I’m doing the best I can here.”
She threw up her hands, muttering something about having everyone go to the Eastside Tavern instead, then stomped upstairs.
The bachelorette party. Shit, I was really running out of time and I still had a lot to do.
I checked my texts and was relieved to see one from Wyatt giving me the name, number, and address of Amber’s favorite pub. I made a quick call, keeping an eye on the undead out front. Just as Wyatt had said, it was easy-peasy. The owners of the pub were thrilled to be hosting Amber’s bachelorette party, and would come up with all sorts of special foods and shooters without me even having to lift a finger.
“Ma?” Lux pointed at the zombies on the other side of the window. They were trying to chew their way through the glass and leaving spit and gore behind. “Ma, I help?”
“You’re too young to be killing zombies, sweetie. Why don’t you go get a beer and you can watch through the window while I take care of these things.”
He grinned. “Ma funny?”
Oh yes, Ma would definitely be funny. Lux thought I was living a Three Stooges episode, and would be breathless from laughter watching me get my ass kicked by undead. I’d be annoyed if he weren’t so damned cute.
I went out the front door and was mobbed and bitten a dozen times before I could grab my shovel. There were just too many of them, and after they’d ripped one of my favorite shirts from my back, I switched to my sword. The sentient weapon was not much more effective than the shovel, but the blade was built for penetrating rotting bone, where the shovel’s edge wasn’t.
By the time I staggered inside, I was unrecognizable from one of the zombie deer. Sure enough, Lux was red-faced and nearly passed out from laughing. He took one look at me and collapsed onto the floor in mirth.
“Ma funny!”
“Yeah, Ma is really fucking funny,” I muttered as I headed up the stairs. I needed a shower. I needed to burn these clothes. And I needed to order pizza because in the midst of the shit-show that was my life, a few bright moments sometimes appeared and tonight was going be one of them. I was going to have pizza and movies with Lux, then Gregory would be coming over. He’d taken to spending nights here, and even though he didn’t sleep, I liked having him in my bed with me. Then tomorrow we were supposed to do a family outing before the Ruling Council meeting. I couldn’t wait. Too often it seemed like we were ships that passed in the night, doing the tag-team parenting thing. As much as I wanted some one-on-one time with my angel, I also longed for some family time with the three of us.
I never imagined these would be the things I cherished. As a young imp, I’d envisioned myself breeding with a mid-level demon, depositing my offspring in the best dwarven foster home I could afford, then forgetting all about it. After I devoured my practice partner, I’d vowed never to breed. Then after Ahriman…
But here I was, in love with an archangel, co-parenting an adopted angel in a hands-on way I’d never thought desirable, let alone possible. I couldn’t imagine handing Lux over to another and never seeing him again. Yes, I longed for a dwarven nanny, but guiding a young angel as he matured was surprisingly rewarding.
I didn’t want to breed. I didn’t want to raise another angel. But Lux was perfect. He was mine and he was perfect. And I was thrilled that Gregory felt the same way about our little winged guy.
After I got cleaned up, I settled Lux in with a movie and eyed the remaining rings as I waited for pizza delivery. Three. I couldn’t believe we’d managed to return so many of them in such a short time, although I guess it hadn’t taken Lux all that long to steal them. He’d done most of the first pile with the help of Samael. Gregory and I had helped with the second pile, and Lux and I had knocked out a good bit of the third pile. Now we were down to these three.
I wasn’t ashamed to say these rings made the hair raise on the back of my neck. One was that nasty, rusty-looking gold thing. One was a pretty band with swirly script on both the inside and the outside. The other was some iridescent metal that shifted through a rainbow of colors. Every one of them burned with something powerful, something otherworldly. Every one of them was formed of unknown materials. I wasn’t sure who these rings belonged to or what they did, but I’d be glad to get them off my dining room table and out of my house.
I eyed them, remembering the troll. Lux was afraid of delivering these on his own, but he still was trying to be responsible, make Gregory proud, and do this on his own. That troll wouldn’t have killed him, but it would have been a horrible experience had she caught Lux. And if he hadn’t been able to teleport home? It might have been hours before I realized he wasn’t home, or with Nyalla or Hunter and gone to look for him. I couldn’t take the chance that he’d do that again. I needed to keep these rings with me to make sure he didn’t try to go off on his own and find himself with more than a troll after him.
The pizza delivery guy broke through my reverie, so I shoved the three rings in my pocket, then I went to answer the door. The pizza guy looked rather unsettled. It took me a few seconds to realize why.
My driveway was full of headless animals. The dude had carefully driven around the corpses, but I’m sure this wasn’t something he usually encountered delivering pizzas.
“Um, we went hunting and…uh…didn’t have time to field dress anything. We’re going to eat first, then get right on it.”
He glanced at the deer carcass a few feet to the left of the porch. “You might not want to eat these. They don’t look like they’re all that healthy.”
I dug some money out of my pocket and quickly changed my story. “I know. We’re culling rabid animals. They’ll be composted or something. Just as soon as we’re done eating our pizza.”
Damn it. I was sick and tired of killing zombie animals, and I was doubly sick and tired of cleaning up the bodies afterward. I’d planned to just leave these in my driveway and hope that a few hundred vultures would swoop in overnight and hauled them off. If not, I was going to get my Lows to drag them all into the woods and hose off the front of my house and my driveway afterward. I hadn’t thought about the impact this might have on random delivery people.
I handed the guy his money, sneaking a quick peek at his butt as he made change. “Hey, I’m looking for guys to strip at a bachelorette party. Do you think—”
“Sorry, I’m busy that day.”
He shoved some money into my hand, snatched the five I held out to him, and practically ran for his car. I couldn’t believe it was this hard to find a stripper. I’d assumed from the number of dick pics women seemed to get that guys would be lining up to get naked in front of a bunch of women—especially when there was a chance of getting laid. Was it me? Was it that the first guy I’d asked was hiding under my table from a troll and this second guy was swerving around a bunch of mangled headless deer in my driveway?
Wimps. There had to be some decent looking human guys out there who wouldn’t be put off by dead zombie deer and trolls.
I shifted the pizza boxes in my arms and went back inside. “Pepperoni, onions, peppers, and olives for me,” I announced. “Bacon and hots for Lux, and chicken with hot sauce—”
“For me.”
An arm came around me, taking the boxes. Gregory planted a kiss on the side of my head, then carried the pizza over to the coffee table. He plopped down beside Lux, and I sat on his other side.
“How are my favorite angels today?” He wrapped an arm around each of us.
“Rings.” Lux’s face was solemn. “Scary.”
I sighed. “Lux tried to deliver one himself and accidently teleported a troll back here. We beat her off with sex toys—
I mean we subdued her with sex toys, although the other would have been really funny.”
“Did you send her back?” Gregory asked as he took his arm from around me and leaned forward to open the pizza boxes.
“No. She left with a dildo. I think she’s either under the bridge up 27, or the one where 97 crosses 26.” I shrugged. “She’ll be fine. Trolls are the least of our worries right now.”
“I know.” Gregory handed me a pizza slice. “I’m guessing we both have bad news. You tell me about yours first.”
I had so much fucking bad news that I wasn’t sure what to lead with. “Let’s wait until later to exchange bad news. Right now I just want to eat pizza, watch movies, and chill on the couch with my favorite angels.
Which was exactly what I did. All too soon we’d put Lux to bed and were back on the sofa. I snuggled against Gregory, wondering if the bad news could keep until morning.
“Okay, Cockroach. You go first. Tell me what happened today.”
So much for waiting until morning.
I took a deep breath and began to count on my fingers. “First, the ring you gave me belongs to a witchy hag. She spotted the fake a mile away and damned near killed Lux and me, so I had to negotiate shared custody of the ring.”
He looked outraged. “How could she tell? I made an exact replica of it.”
I held up my hands. “I can’t tell the difference either, but clearly she could. No biggie. I’ll forget to return it next year and deal with it if, or when, she hunts me down. Second, the elves are trying to form an Elven Union. They’ve taken over Iceland and have plans to do the same to a bunch of other countries.”
Gregory scowled. “Do we need to remove them from Iceland?”
“The human citizens will kick our asses if we do. Evidently the elves are duly elected officials, so we’ve got a choice here: we can respect the democratic process, or we can send in hitmen to take them out and put our own chosen leader in their place.” I shrugged. “It’s no big deal. Countries do that shit all the time. Then we can look shocked at the news of the elven assassination and claim we had no knowledge of this dastardly terrorist deed, all while we’re making advantageous trade agreements with our puppet leader.”
With This Ring: Imp Series, Book 11 Page 16